I need advice

[Af22]

So I'm in my thirties and have never been in a relation before, and I didn't really care until I met "her".

 

I still don't know what she saw in me since I have no particular traits that girls normally would find attractive, but she started hanging with me a lot. This took me by surprise since no girl has ever taken an interest in me before and not only that, we also have a ton of interests in common. So we spent most days of a week doing stuff together or voice chatting if we weren't together, often ending our "dates" with a hug.

 

I couldn't help but falling in love with her big time. It took some time, but I eventually worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. Obviously it didn't end well, otherwise I wouldn't be here...

She told me she just saw me as a friend, but hoped that we could still continue seeing each other. This worked for a short time, but I quickly noticed it's really painful having unanswered feelings for her.

The first thing I tried was to discuss it with her, but she simply said she's okay with me having a crush on her despite her not having feelings for me.

Then, since the whole thing was just depressing to me, I tried to distance myself from her but it didn't work out either. She eventually wanted to go out and when I told her no she managed to convince me to change my mind and since we've been "dating" as usual.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this. I DO enjoy spending time with her, but it also depresses me knowing that I can't be with her and it certainly doesn't help that I can't find anyone else either (yes, I tried).

At this point it feels as if I had the option of continuing like this or never seeing her again, I'd probably choose the latter since it would be less painful.

[Matt3939]

Sorry she doesn't feel the same towards you. Does she have any friends? Maybe she can hook you up?

[Af22]

I did ask what she think I should do, but I get the feeling she's not interested in helping me find someone. I just got some generic answers like "go out more" and "try a dating site".

[Aarontmarshall]

Hi there,

 

Sorry to hear that you're going through this, it must be tough for you. You need to be honest with this girl and lay it out there with nothing to lose, otherwise, you'll just end up getting hurt and regretting it. Tell her you don't see her as a friend and you never will and that it is best that you both go your separate ways, but if she is interested in dating, then to give you a call. Don't waste your time hoping man, just go for it.

[Af22]

Tell her you don't see her as a friend and you never will and that it is best that you both go your separate ways, but if she is interested in dating, then to give you a call.

Thanks, I'll try that next time I'll see her.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Good you had the courage to speak up and clarify. Yep, the friendzone is not a happy place.

 

Don't give up your search for a gf. Get on dating apps again with a nice profile and pics.then start messaging women and meeting for coffee.

 

At least this showed you that there are women with common interest etc. In fact freindzone her a bit and start asking her for dating tips, etc. let her know you'll hang out but...it won't be forever when you find someone.

I eventually worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. She told me she just saw me as a friend, but hoped that we could still continue seeing each other. I quickly noticed it's really painful having unanswered feelings for her. I DO enjoy spending time with her, but it also depresses me knowing that I can't be with her and it certainly doesn't help that I can't find anyone else either

[amanda1784]

So I'm in my thirties and have never been in a relation before, and I didn't really care until I met "her".

 

I still don't know what she saw in me since I have no particular traits that girls normally would find attractive, but she started hanging with me a lot. This took me by surprise since no girl has ever taken an interest in me before and not only that, we also have a ton of interests in common. So we spent most days of a week doing stuff together or voice chatting if we weren't together, often ending our "dates" with a hug.

 

I couldn't help but falling in love with her big time. It took some time, but I eventually worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. Obviously it didn't end well, otherwise I wouldn't be here...

She told me she just saw me as a friend, but hoped that we could still continue seeing each other. This worked for a short time, but I quickly noticed it's really painful having unanswered feelings for her.

The first thing I tried was to discuss it with her, but she simply said she's okay with me having a crush on her despite her not having feelings for me.

Then, since the whole thing was just depressing to me, I tried to distance myself from her but it didn't work out either. She eventually wanted to go out and when I told her no she managed to convince me to change my mind and since we've been "dating" as usual.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this. I DO enjoy spending time with her, but it also depresses me knowing that I can't be with her and it certainly doesn't help that I can't find anyone else either (yes, I tried).

At this point it feels as if I had the option of continuing like this or never seeing her again, I'd probably choose the latter since it would be less painful.

 

Sometimes women can be oblivious to the fact that they must distance themselves for the sake of the other persons feelings. Would you be able to hang out with her after feelings subside and the hurt of rejection has waned?

 

If this were happening to me, I think my best course of action would to still be friendly, but maybe not make myself as available. I wouldn't want to close myself off to other possibilities...

[mopo]

ok... coming from a girl.. how long has this friendship gone on like this? I ask because I have had serious relationships with men I totally friend zoned for a loooong time. It also matters her age? young girls have such idealistic views of what they want. If she is young she might realize in 6 months she is crazy about you. You should still try to date other people though, it will make you feel better... and look more desirable. DOn't do it jsut to rub in her face, that is not what I'm saying. I'm just saying there might be a chance down the road. The man I've been with for almost two years now, I totally wrote off and just hung out with as friends (slept on his couch) for over two years before that. He played the loooong game.

[Af22]

Here's a little update, I'm going to need more advice..

I told her that we should go separate ways, and it seemed as if she agreed with it because I didn't hear from her at all for the whole next day. But the morning after that she messaged me about wanting to come over to my place to watch a movie and I agreed with it because I thought she maybe wanted to discuss the thing. In the end it turned out she just wanted to hang normally, and when she left she even hugged me. After that she started texting me as if we never had that talk.

I really don't get what she's thinking. She seems hellbent on being just friends with me (despite having a large social circle) and yet she's touchy-feely with hugs. Maybe this is a girl thing and she doesn't think much of it, but since I recently told her about my feelings for her I imagined she'd refrain from giving the wrong signals.

In short, I really don't know what to do now.

 

ok... coming from a girl.. how long has this friendship gone on like this? I ask because I have had serious relationships with men I totally friend zoned for a loooong time. It also matters her age? young girls have such idealistic views of what they want. If she is young she might realize in 6 months she is crazy about you. You should still try to date other people though, it will make you feel better... and look more desirable. DOn't do it jsut to rub in her face, that is not what I'm saying. I'm just saying there might be a chance down the road. The man I've been with for almost two years now, I totally wrote off and just hung out with as friends (slept on his couch) for over two years before that. He played the loooong game.

 

Thanks for your post, it gives me some hope of having a good ending.

Let's see.. We started hanging seriously about 3 years ago and she's younger than me by almost 10 years, which is another reason I don't see why she want to be friends with me. As far as dating goes, I was hoping that seeing someone else would ease the situation but I'm unable to find anyone. I'm just not that attractive.

[RainyCoast]

she is just milking your crush on her, blatantly. it gives the benefits of a relationship, the ego boost of being the object of someone's infatuation, and cuddles.

 

why did you not reinforce your stand that you needed to part ways? "unless you're here to tell me you want a relationship i'm going to have to ask you to leave, and not contact me until you want a relationship".