My journey. Dumped 3 mo ago. She breaks NC. We may be back together...

[RayF]

The backstory can be found here...

 

 

 

 

So after three months of agony I'm here. And it doesn't feel like I thought it would. In fact It's more confusing than ever.

 

Able to handle breaks ups better than I had in the past, ,my biggest struggle was wondering if i could find someone I felt so connected to ever again. This girl and I had a deep soul connection like I've never experienced.

 

I told her never to contact me unless she wanted to give us another shot. Radio silence for three months. I dated other girls, a month in I met a good girl. I liked her, we connected. She cared about me very much and has been good me.

Through this three month break I have not gotten my ex off my mind. I've longed for her, our connection, I've wanted to share so much with her. Despite her being in another country just knowing I was connected to her was all I wanted.

 

My friends, therapy and reflection made me realize that her age and insecurity and fear of the responsibility of a real relationship was likely the culprit of her leaving and not her excuses which were that I was not social enough for her, not easy going enough, too pessimistic among other things. She was and had been selfish, she used excuses to run.

 

Out of the blue on a night 3 months later where I realized I was feeling pretty good she contacted me by email. I was shocked. It was odd, saying she was going through a really rough time and only I knew that side of her, she needsd to talk to me and was afraid. I was angry, I ignored her but ultimately reached out the next day as there was no way I would not.

 

The last few days have been such an emotional roller coaster and a blur.

 

We first spoke the night after, it begun with her telling me she had almost attempted suicide and had a full blown eating disorder that she was hiding from me the last few months we were together. I knew she had issues but this sort of made everything finally come together and make sense. Her issues went way before me, but I think the break up and moving back to France has exasperated it all.

 

I got so much closure from this conversation, but it also opened the door back to her which is actually very scary as much is it is everything I thought I wanted.

 

At first i let her have it hard, telling her it was so selfish of her to reach out to me only about her, not care at all about me or ask how I was. She had hurt me so bad. I told her that her issues were that she runs away from bad things in her life, fleeting from one false happy moment to the next, leaving real life which is hard and people who love her behind as soon as things get too real for her. She lets people down and she runs from wha good things could be in her life and that's what she did with me.

 

She completely agreed with everything I said. The conversation shifted to her admitting she saw an instagram post i put up with another girl and that she was so upset she had to go home and lie down. I admitted I wished it as her with me. That put us in another more honest place where we confessed how much we missed each other, She told me she tried to do something with some guy once and hated it so much she has not attempted anything since and has not wanted to. She was not over me and in a bad place in her life.

 

Everything felt right when talking to her, we both knew it, we both felt our love and admitted to each other our love never went away, in a way it was all very beautiful.

 

This and subsequent convos that followed: She told me she needed me and that she felt like she did not deserve this because of how she hurt me she does not have anything to offer me. But she can;t stop thinking of me so much she is so ashamed she was not able to be strong for me when I was having a rough time, she left because it was hard and everything I said was right

 

But she also knows how messed up she is and it could take years to be better.She might not make me happy and might destroy me with her

 

I told her last night that I loved her for who she was flaws and all, I wanted to take that journey with her but I am afraid so for her sake and mine there are no guarantees but we will take day by day. I told her i was spending time with someone else. this totally crashed her. I told her i would cut it off and the whole time I only loved her and this made her really happy but she said she can't ask me to do that. I told her obviously thats how it works.

 

During all this I'm still unclear if we are actually back together or not...

 

Due to her being unstable I'm afraid of what to do, if it could work ever between us... will she change her mind again. Pull away, But how can I stop loving her? Especially when I know we only love each other and miss each other .

 

She's a mess, she's in another country... does plan to come back to NY but who knows if that will work... i didn't know what to do with the other girl so i told her i needed a few days to deal with something. (just felt I should not jump the gun to cut her off I do care bout her and am unsure if it will play out with my ex) I'm stuck and everything is confusing.

 

This is so not a typical situation of grass is greener, or maybe another guy I'd like more.. or this or that. It's all so much deeper, confusing and darker... one thing I know is that what I feel for her is true love in every sense of the word because I care about her so much and her mental health.

 

So that;s my story. One thing is for sure if you read this and take away one thing. Cutting off contact definitely is the ONLY way to possibly get to the spot I am in now. But if even still it may not be easy.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this seems to be all she's able to offer. Why not pursue the local woman?

an emotional roller coaster and a blur.

[RayF]

It's a good question you're right and she even admitted she was afraid of that too.

 

As to why? Everything I feel for her is like a small fraction of what I feel for my ex. We know eachother better than we know ourselves and our connection is unparalleled to anything either of us have ever felt.

 

And I love her and want her to get better. Not at my expense no, but at this point she's told me she knows I was right about why she ran away she had not wanted anyone else and wants only me.

 

But obviously I'm torn...

[annie24]

would you consider going to counseling with your ex? Also, you said she is not in the country. Are there any plans for her to move back? soon?? if not, it doesn't make sense to hang on if there is a new girl around.

[Casual]

It's a good question you're right and she even admitted she was afraid of that too.

 

As to why? Everything I feel for her is like a small fraction of what I feel for my ex. We know eachother better than we know ourselves and our connection is unparalleled to anything either of us have ever felt.

 

And I love her and want her to get better. Not at my expense no, but at this point she's told me she knows I was right about why she ran away she had not wanted anyone else and wants only me.

 

But obviously I'm torn...

 

RayF,

 

This is really complicated because...well...it is clear that you aren't really over your ex - so in a way, the new girl is a rebound. Now, I think rebounds can be good for people to get heal after a breakup, but it can also get messy (as it may get now...for example). Now even if your ex wasn't in the frame it seems as though the woman you are dating IS a rebound and you need more time to heal before you can full appreciate whether or not you like the other woman, or whether your feelings for her are some how bound up with your grief over your ex.

 

Your ex clearly has a lot of mental health issues and she needs the type of support that long distance may not be able to provide. She really needs to try and sort herself out, she can't do that, remotely, through you.

 

Perhaps you could both stay in touch in a more undefined relationship while you both heal a bit more, get your heads straight and then see where you are? The post-breakup drama/emotional phase is like an absolutely mental time to be attempting to achieve any type of clarity on a situation.

[SooSad33]

My friends, therapy and reflection made me realize that her age and insecurity and fear of the responsibility of a real relationship was likely the culprit of her leaving and not her excuses which were that I was not social enough for her, not easy going enough, too pessimistic among other things. She was and had been selfish, she used excuses to run.

- First off.. in 3 months.. do YOU think any of this has 'changed'? Probably not!

 

They why would you wonder.. or even consider getting involved with her.. again?

 

Don't do it because you 'miss her'...etc. This will not work out, yet again... then what? You fall further?

 

Yes, she may have reached out-- but you even told her, that she's being selfish.. cause she's hurt you and again only going on acting out only in regards to herself.

 

This shows YOU are still hurting and not over any of this.

 

Therefore, this is all going to keep on hanging in the way of a good, clean break and cause more problems.

 

I do not feel you two are near ready to go there... and things will quickly fall apart again.

 

 

IF you are someday wanting to 'try again', then a LOT needs to be changed.. and issue's improved. I don't think they are.

Then what's going to happen? The same thing!

 

Suggest she keep working on herself. You can't really do much there for her. You cannot 'fix her'.

 

And I suggest you continue to work on YOU. Keep going and work on accepting the BU.. and the after effects.

 

** She is in another Country? Gawd- that's even harder on you's!

 

As for 'another girl'? I suggest you back out of that one and don't 'use her' to your benefit. Not fair on her at all... when you're still fiery over this ex.

[Hollyj]

You need to end it with the current girl. Not fair to her. AT ALL!!!!!

[jenny_mcs]

 

 

One thing is for sure if you read this and take away one thing. Cutting off contact definitely is the ONLY way to possibly get to the spot I am in now.

 

The bad thing is that you don't realize what an unenviable spot you are in. You are in a worse spot than someone that got dumped one day ago and is sobbing into their mom's shoulder right now. You're in a worse spot than them, because of after 3 months of agony and struggle, you just got pulled back into her vortex of chaos. Now you can have a few more days, weeks, or months of uncertainty and anxiety, and when she cuts it off again you'll be back at square one. Only this time you'll have hurt this nice local girl who actually liked you.

 

You should cut off contact with the ex and the new girl and be alone for a few months and really get your head together, because you are making terrible choices.

[RayF]

First of all, I haven't really done anything at all yet so you can't say I'm making terrible choices.

 

Even if I was not hung up on her I'd have to be heartless to at not least answer her when she's suicidal.

 

I've told my ex nothing but the truth about her and about how I still feel about her but as far as I'm concerned there has been no final decision on what we are doing.

 

The only bad choice I've made is to tell the ex I'm cutting it it off with the other girl when I hadn't been sure of it.

 

And yes she plans to come back in 3 months, this was always the plan... which is the only reason why is engage back with her.

 

I've told the other girl I was not healed over my ex and I'm definitely not going to hurt her by dragging anything on she will be hurt enough.

 

But this JUST happened... so I need to process

 

But yes I sure as hell don't think my situation is enviable in the slightest.

[boltnrun]

"I told her never to contact me unless she wanted to give us another shot."

 

Well, you did kind of go back on this...

 

So now she knows that you still want to be with her. She holds the cards now. I guess all you can do is wait and see if she truly does want to get back together or if it was just her wanting someone to sympathize with her. Hopefully once she feels better she doesn't disappear on you again.

[HeartGoesOn]

I could be off base, but this sounds like a case of wanting what she can't have. In other words and not to sound harsh, but with her knowing that you're moving on, my guess is she doesn't want you, yet doesn't want anyone else to have you. With that said, I agree with others as in taking a break in order to get your thoughts/life together.

 

Another way to look at this is, be careful what you wish for...

[Trinity11]

Ray i think you should steer clear for now until she is a bit more stable. Her confusion is not something you want in a relationship that is already rocky yeh. If she can clean herself up, then you will both be in a better place for a relationship. Its nice she let you know, but still, what are you supposed to do about it?? Only she can make her way with these problems. They are psychological and she will need more help than you can offer.

[RayF]

I could be off base, but this sounds like a case of wanting what she can't have. In other words and not to sound harsh, but with her knowing that you're moving on, my guess is she doesn't want you, yet doesn't want anyone else to have you. With that said, I agree with others as in taking a break in order to get your thoughts/life together.

 

Another way to look at this is, be careful what you wish for...

 

I think this was part of it yes...

 

But I'm no stranger in being dumped. I know exactly what to do and not to do and I did it all correctly. I also know people who have had the whole grass is greener thing and the want what you can't have thing.

 

I love this forum but I often think people can think a bit too black and white around here. It's not the more typical situation where she took me for granted, went to try and get with another dude and he treated her like crap so she came crawling back. It's where she was a afraid of me and our relationship because it got too vulnerable for her, and she loathes herself deep down and sabotages anything good because she thinks she does't deserve it. But after three months, not even knowing if I was seeing anyone she never tried to see anyone else because she was still in love with me she was just too afraid of that love.

 

My situation is a lot more complex. Which I realize is maybe even worse.. but I'm between a rock and a hard place.

 

Irregardless the reasoning the resounding advice given in this thread which I hear loud and clear and don't worry, I 'm aware as well, is to be cautious. This is someone who is not in a mental state that is healthy.

 

But until now our relationship has never been totally open and honest she's exposed a vulnerability to me she has been afraid to face her entire life. weather she's strong and stable not to run from that/me remains to be the question.

 

And it will take years of work.

 

Obviously I'm on the fence. But right now it feels good and right for both of us to be connected.

[MindLESS]

Hey Ray,

 

I just want to let you know that I relate very much with your background of your break up and with your situation.... I just haven't reached the part where the ex and I have talked.. I'm only in week 6 of NC.. 3 months of it is agonizing in itself just to think about it, but I admire your courage in persevering. You say you are from NY.. I'm assuming you live in NYC? If so, I do too.. Its amazing how lonely a place can be when you are surrounded by 8.7 million people..

 

Be well friend.