Lots of History, Lots of Change

[suffolkguy]

I really struggled to find the right section for this. We've been together for 5 years, and there is a gap between where we live; she's at university in Cambridge, I'm working in Suffolk.

There's a lot of history leading up to this, and it all needs to be mentioned.

 

We got together quite young, still at high school. Things were amazing for two years, and we were (and almost always have been) very sexually active, but then I panicked when I developed sexual attractions to a few of the other people in our friendship group (guys and girls). Confused, I broke up with her. This lasted a month or so, and then we were back together, but in that time our friends started to reject me so I went to extremes to find new ones. I joined a dating site, just looking to make friends, and I became friends with one person (all other communications failed as no one else got along with me).

I kept talking to this person when we got back together but kept it a secret because I was ashamed to have joined a dating site. Over time this friendship took on a sexual edge, as the two of us found we were attracted to each other. We'd never met, but when that was suggested I realised I needed to tell my partner about this.

She opened my eyes to the fact that I had been cheating on her, and I nearly lost her, but we are so fiercely dedicated to each other that we decided we would heal together and get counselling. I had also convinced myself that I was polyamorous; what other explanation was there for being attracted to other people?

Counselling stopped about six months ago, and we'd found a good place where we had trust and though she would still sometimes worry and ask if we're okay, we were strong. We still are strong.

 

She's been at university since September, and has quickly formed a friend group that I have some familiarity with. Unfortunately, with my job, I don't get to see her often, sometimes going a month, though I try to visit as often as possible. Recently she and one of her friends have grown close, and it culminated in a kiss one evening. It didn't lead to anything, but my partner is now asking for us to open our relationship so that she and this friend can engage with each other sexually.

This development scared me, and helped us realise I'm not polyamorous, and we have determined that we are both very sexually charged people who struggle to be tied down to one sexual partner. We're completely dedicated to each other, and are both committed to getting married, living together, having a family. This change scared me, and I freaked out at the very idea of her being involved with someone else. After a lot of talk we realised it came down to me worrying that I wasn't good enough as a boyfriend, and scared that she was going to leave me for him. She explained to me that she loves me, and there's nothing romantic; it's purely sexual and she just wants to have fun. I'm okay with that. She's even said that she wants it to lead to threesomes between us, but it's important this second guy is comfortable first. I've consented to this, and said I want her to be in charge of it, not me, and as long as I'm kept in the loop and know loosely what's going on between them then I'm happy.

Everything here is fine, and I'm perfectly happy with it.

 

The thing I am struggling with is that she has made it clear to me that I am not allowed any other partners. She says that my past actions mean she feels uncomfortable with me being with someone else, and doesn't want that happening. She has said that in future she might be able to relax, and trust me; I've said that if that does ever happen I'd want her to be in charge regarding what happens, and with whom (we already have a rule that they would have to be a friend, and have said that in future we want a circle of friends with whom we can have sexual relations).

I understand that I betrayed her, and I had a week of insecurity and panic, and at points I didn't trust her, so I have some understanding of how she felt. How she still feels, to a degree.

I think it's left me jealous that she's going to be having this freedom, and I'm not.

 

The advice I'm looking for covers a few things.

1: How can I deal with this jealousy?

2: How can I rebuild this trust so that we can both enjoy this freedom?

3: Am I being selfish?

 

Any other comments and questions are welcome.

Thanks in advance.

[Wiseman2]

All you can do since you are both exploring all this and open/honest about it is try it out. It may not be for you or either of you may get sick of it or it will become a lifestyle, etc.

my partner is now asking for us to open our relationship so that she and this friend can engage with each other sexually.

we have determined that we are both very sexually charged people who struggle to be tied down to one sexual partner.

She explained to me that she loves me, and there's nothing romantic; it's purely sexual and she just wants to have fun.

She's even said that she wants it to lead to threesomes between us, but it's important this second guy is comfortable first. I've consented to this

[Jibralta]

You can say, "no." You're not ok with her having multiple partners when you can't. You're not comfortable with the situation. Maybe you want to be comfortable, but you're not. You can't change reality, no matter how much you want to.

[suffolkguy]

All you can do since you are both exploring all this and open/honest about it is try it out. It may not be for you or either of you may get sick of it or it will become a lifestyle, etc.

 

Thanks for your words.

I guess it's important to be patient and see how it goes.

[suffolkguy]

You can say, "no." You're not ok with her having multiple partners when you can't. You're not comfortable with the situation. Maybe you want to be comfortable, but you're not. You can't change reality, no matter how much you want to.

 

We went down that road of me saying "no". We talked and understood why I was freaking out. It went to "yes, as long as I'm involved", and she pointed out that was selfish of me and I wasn't thinking of the third person. Now we're at "yes, I'm okay with this", and she wants us to focus on the present and not worry about what could happen in the future, and I am happy with her having this other partner.

 

I just find it unfair that I don't have that freedom, but I feel like I'm being selfish and not thinking about how my past actions affected her/us. I'm worried that because of that she may never be okay with me having other partners, even if she's the one in charge.

[Clio]

So she gets to have sex with another guy and you can't? To me that's sounds selfish on HER part and a double standard. She did some emotional cheating of her own, yet she gets a free pass? I think that the past is no excuse to having her cake and eating it too. I think that if your relationship can't handle the distance and you have to resort to such acrobatics, your real problem is that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole i.e. you two are not compatible. It also sounds like you are so scared of losing her that you are willing to bend over backwards. If you are not polyamorous and not really comfortable with this, then imo you should reevaluate the whole relationship. It sounds like she's all you've known in terms of relationships so you are afraid to let her go even though it's not working.

[Jibralta]

We went down that road of me saying "no". We talked and understood why I was freaking out. It went to "yes, as long as I'm involved", and she pointed out that was selfish of me and I wasn't thinking of the third person. Now we're at "yes, I'm okay with this", and she wants us to focus on the present and not worry about what could happen in the future, and I am happy with her having this other partner.

 

I just find it unfair that I don't have that freedom, but I feel like I'm being selfish and not thinking about how my past actions affected her/us. I'm worried that because of that she may never be okay with me having other partners, even if she's the one in charge.

 

In other words, you don't know how/ are afraid to say, "no," and mean it. That's an unfortunate problem to have. I hope that you find a way to stand up for yourself in the future, and stop agreeing to things that make you uncomfortable.

[suffolkguy]

So she gets to have sex with another guy and you can't? To me that's sounds selfish on her part and a double standard. She did some emotional cheating of her own, yet she gets a free pass? I think that the past is no excuse to having her cake and eating it too. I think that if your relationship can't handle the distance and have to resort to such acrobatics, your real problem is that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole i.e. you are not compatible. It also sounds that you are so scared of losing her that you are willing to bend over backwards. If you are not polygamous and not really comfortable with this, then imo you should reevaluate the whole relationship.

 

Thanks for the thought.

I have to disagree. Sorry. Neither of us are monogamous, not in terms of sexuality, and we both agree that we would only feel comfortable having other sexual partners if they were people we both know well. Her second partner is a close friend to both of us, and she said during our "negotiations" that she didn't know if he was bi, but if he was she wanted that to happen as well. It was disappointing for both of us when it turned out he's purely heterosexual.

I admit that I'm scared of losing her after what I did, but on the flip-side the only thing I ever really sacrificed was agreeing that the polyamory was never going to happen (and that doesn't count now we know that I'm not polyamorous apart from in a sexual context). She has made sacrifices, and though most of them are small they all add up.

I feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I need to, and just freaking out because it's something new.

Sorry. I appreciate your advice.