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Not coping with breakup


DrkHrt

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There are many factors during my 4-year relationship that led to this breakup. The straw that finally broke the camel's back was last month, which was a bad month in general, and the communication between us broke down completely. We hadn't seen each other in some time, for a few reasons. I admit, I don't deal well with being alone, and I made a big deal because my partner had decided to go away for the weekend to see his friend, which annoyed me as I had been really busy with work that week and wanted to spend time with him. This created tension between us, which then led to me making a couple of petty decisions out of anger, which deep down I did not mean (not cheating or anything deep). By this point however, no matter how many times I tried to retract the hurtful things I had said/done, he was having none of it.

We've been in this territory before- we have even broken up before, twice. But we always figure it out in the end, and ultimately any bs between us blows over. But this time is different. He is adamant he wants out, despite the fact I cannot imagine my life without him. Every time we have broken up before, I have always felt in the back of my mind that he will come back, and he always does. But there's something different about this time round.

Basically he says he's had enough of fighting and doesn't want the 'stress' anymore. He said I'm too moody/argumentative, and that I lack drive and ambition. He said I'm never going to change. Which is true to some extent, but isn't an entirely accurate picture of the person I am. I was this way when he met me, so I just keep thinking, why have you stayed with me for so long, and why do you always come back to me, if this is how you feel?

We still have to see each other to give some things back and close our joint account (both parties have to be present), and initially I thought I could use us seeing each other as a way of changing his mind before it is officially over. But I realise I cannot do that, because it would only make things worse. I am now being mature and going along with this breakup because he is adamant he wants out, but it's killing me to do so. Any advice?

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Do you live together? Why was there a joint account? It probably would not be a good idea to discuss reconciliation when trying to finalize severing things.

 

What were all the breakups and on/off about?

We still have to see each other to give some things back and close our joint account (both parties have to be present), and initially I thought I could use us seeing each other as a way of changing his mind before it is officially over. I am now being mature and going along with this breakup because he is adamant he wants out.

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We were in the process of looking for a property, hence the joint account. We currently live with our parents.

The breakups have always been pretty much for the same reasons. It will always be an explosive argument about something, followed by him feeling he has had enough and cannot take the 'stress' and fighting any longer. Followed by, months later, him coming back to ME saying I'm his everything and he cannot live without me.

The same cycle, every time.

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Excellent that you are canceling living together/buying a house. With this many explosive arguments and breakups it would have been disastrous to go through with it. It's pretty clear you can't get along. Also unless you solve the cause of the arguing, it will just cycle and get worse.

We were in the process of looking for a property, hence the joint account. We currently live with our parents. It will always be an explosive argument about something, followed by him feeling he has had enough and cannot take the 'stress' and fighting any longer. The same cycle, every time.
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Truthfully I do start nearly every argument. It's not that I necessarily do it consciously, it will just be a conflict of interests that will trigger me to become annoyed. I acknowledge and accept that I have been instrumental in the breakup(s) and I was not always mindful that my moods/anger was affecting him. However, the thing that I cannot understand is why he would stay for so long, and repeatedly choose to come back HIMSELF, knowing I had these character traits.

Character traits which I am now addressing, and I guess you could say I've learnt my lesson the hard way.

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A lot of people struggle with leaving abusive or toxic relationships for a long time, keep going back, etc. until they find the strength to just end it for good.

 

Often someone enlightens them or they start talking to someone and can see how good things could be with the right of type of person.

 

Great you are addressing the moods/anger. Also consider that you may have brought out the worst in each other.

Truthfully I do start nearly every argument.I cannot understand is why he would stay for so long, and repeatedly choose to come back HIMSELF, knowing I had these character traits
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You are right.

And it's the worst feeling in the world to accept, and let this person who I love go. And it will inevitably affect the prospect of 'dating again' for me, as I cannot see myself wanting to invest and trust in someone again, with the idea that they will leave eventually.

And maybe he will have the same issues moving forward too. So in the end, it's just sad. I see this happen to people all the time. I guess, like most people, I thought we were 'above' ever breaking up, but we were not.

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OP, I'm not trying to be hurtful, I'm just trying to tell you what's happening:

 

He's done. He's had it. He's done dealing with your moods, the fighting, your trying to control him, all of it. He feels it's too toxic and all he wants is to be free of this situation. There is absolutely NOTHING you can say or do at this point that will change his mind, so don't even try.

 

I know you've managed to suck him back in in the past, but, as Wiseman2 says, that doesn't really mean anything and people sometimes have trouble extricating themselves from toxic situations. I kept going back to a toxic woman over and over even though I knew I wanted out.

 

Would you want him to stay with you just because that's what you want, even if it's not what he wants?

 

Instead, your first step--and probably the hardest--is to accept it's over and initiate NC as soon as possible. Time to begin the process of getting over him and moving on. It's difficult and can be too painful for words, but you'll get through it. It's unfortunately a part of life.

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I'm sure you mean that in a helpful way but things were not quite the way you seem to have interpreted them to be.

Yes, indeed, it was a toxic relationship but I was not, and am not, a toxic person. I have my issues that I need to address, yes. But I can tell you, in no uncertain terms, I have never encouraged him to come back into my life. Whenever we would breakup, I would get to a point of NC and I would leave him alone, and then out of nowhere, he would return to ME, on his own accord. I have never 'sucked him back'. He made a conscious choice, as much as me, to remain in this relationship.

The relationship dynamic was not as black and white as it may appear- he was no angel, he made some very poor choices that hurt ME. Often when breakups occur, people often see one person's side more than the others, when only the two involved know all the real dirt. There are two people in a relationship, so there are always two sides.

But you are right that I need to enforce NC immediately and accept the situation.

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I'm afraid I agree with the others. He's finally done.

 

Multiple arguments and break-ups are a sign that you're not compatible, and even though he tried by returning before, it's past the point of no return now. Sometimes people take a while to finally realize the problems aren't getting better and they're really not happy anymore. It doesn't matter too much why he came back previously. What's important is the present, and he's decided it is no longer viable to continue the relationship.

 

I also agree with Wiseman who suggested focusing on getting yourself more emotionally regulated again. We sometimes have relationships like this to teach us important life lessons, such as how to communicate more maturely or resolve conflict without ending the relationship on an angry impulse. It's not a pleasant experience, of course, but it sounds like this needed to happen so you can prepare yourself for a healthier relationship in the future.

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Agree. A situation may be a toxic mix but that doesn't mean anyone is toxic or more toxic than the other. Some people just get along like cats and dogs and it never works for a wide variety of reasons from wanting different things to personal temperaments and the list goes on.

 

 

]

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You have lying, cheating and trust issues in this relationship:

 

"My partner and I have not had a smooth 3 and a half year relationship, but one thing that is clear is that we love each other deeply.

The other night we had been talking about how much we love each other and discussing our current endeavour to move in together. Around this time, he accidentally sent me a screenshot from a 'sex-twitter' account (for anyone who doesn't know, it's a Twitter that is devoted purely to sharing all things sexual, explicit pics, videos and comments).

Now this is where the story gets kinda messy...

I already knew my boyfriend had one such Twitter account. I found out about it whilst we we estranged (we broke up in 2014, before eventually getting back together). I didn't mention the account, because I felt like it had no relevance since it was something he had used when we hadn't been together.

So when I received the accidental screenshot, In my gut i immediately felt that it was from his account. I didn't want to believe this, but I did.

"

 

If you have broken up more than twice, it will not work. Let this go. The relationship is not healthy!!!!!!!

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Agree. A situation may be a toxic mix but that doesn't mean anyone is toxic or more toxic than the other. Some people just get along like cats and dogs and it never works for a wide variety of reasons from wanting different things to personal temperaments and the list goes on.

 

 

]

 

OMG!!! That poor dog! LOL

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Truthfully I do start nearly every argument. It's not that I necessarily do it consciously, it will just be a conflict of interests that will trigger me to become annoyed. I acknowledge and accept that I have been instrumental in the breakup(s) and I was not always mindful that my moods/anger was affecting him. However, the thing that I cannot understand is why he would stay for so long, and repeatedly choose to come back HIMSELF, knowing I had these character traits.

Character traits which I am now addressing, and I guess you could say I've learnt my lesson the hard way.

 

Blaming yourself for everything, is an excuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship. You need to start being honest about all of this.

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I'm sure you mean that in a helpful way but things were not quite the way you seem to have interpreted them to be.

Yes, indeed, it was a toxic relationship but I was not, and am not, a toxic person. I have my issues that I need to address, yes. But I can tell you, in no uncertain terms, I have never encouraged him to come back into my life. Whenever we would breakup, I would get to a point of NC and I would leave him alone, and then out of nowhere, he would return to ME, on his own accord. I have never 'sucked him back'. He made a conscious choice, as much as me, to remain in this relationship.

The relationship dynamic was not as black and white as it may appear- he was no angel, he made some very poor choices that hurt ME. Often when breakups occur, people often see one person's side more than the others, when only the two involved know all the real dirt. There are two people in a relationship, so there are always two sides.

But you are right that I need to enforce NC immediately and accept the situation.

I'm not saying you are a bad person, I'm just telling you what likely his thoughts and perception is. The situation is toxic from what you've described--I'm sure he is no angel in the matter. Sometimes two people's personalities just don't work together. It's nobody's fault but then they keep trying to make it work and end up bringing the absolute worst out of each other.

 

If I were you I'd enforce the NC. On/off is no way to live.

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Hollyj and Wiseman2 you are both right and I acknowledge that. There was an unhealthy history there and in the end, I guess it's not about who did what. I guess it just wasn't the healthy union it was meant to be. And that is not something I am admitting easily, but the truth hurts I guess.

Moving on is not currently something I plan to do as I know it would only be a rebound situation.

My current process of rebuilding myself really is only about myself. The prospect of dating is not something I could even wrap my head around right now. It's all early days and I'm still in the process of digesting everything and 'grieving' something which, despite everything, was a happy time in my life.

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Hollyj and Wiseman2 you are both right and I acknowledge that. There was an unhealthy history there and in the end, I guess it's not about who did what. I guess it just wasn't the healthy union it was meant to be. And that is not something I am admitting easily, but the truth hurts I guess.

Moving on is not currently something I plan to do as I know it would only be a rebound situation.

My current process of rebuilding myself really is only about myself. The prospect of dating is not something I could even wrap my head around right now. It's all early days and I'm still in the process of digesting everything and 'grieving' something which, despite everything, was a happy time in my life.

 

No one is remotely suggesting that you date. You need a long time to heal and process the dynamics of this relationship.

 

You need to block and delete this guy.

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You are NOT compatible. You are UNHAPPY and this is your clue to leave. Some people are just not compatible and no matter how hard they try they just cannot make it work: beluckyinlove.net/when-he-hurts-your-feelings

 

You say that you are the one who STARTS all the fights, but do you know what it means? It means that most of those times you are not on the same page. You keep asking 'why is he staying with someone like ME?' I would suggest, however, to ask yourself this question instead: 'Why am I staying with someone like HIM?"

 

Seriously, WHY?

 

You claim that you love him but the reality is such that you are acting as if you were a homeless person and he was your last meal. Are you really that desperate??

 

Are you really that desperate for his love that receiving crumbs and negative attitude is OK with you? Is it what you think you deserve?

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Thank you all for your comments, it has really helped, genuinely. I especially like the comment from you 07sash. It has made me look at this from an angle that I hadn't considered.

I am far from desperate- I am aware I am very attractive (not bragging, but I am), I'm funny, smart, I love people and I love life. It is making me open my eyes to the fact that while I do not think he is a bad person, I also need to realise I am not a bad person either.

I don't want to become bitter and think bad thoughts every time the relationship runs through my mind. I would rather remember it as an experience that had good times, but ultimately, was not healthy and ran its course.

I have already deleted his number (I know it off by heart, but it just means I don't have to see him on my Whatsapp or in my contacts), and I have started the process of detaching myself.

Unfortunately we do have to see each other again as we have a joint account that needs to be closed, and I can't not go, or send someone in my place. I am required to personally be present.

I will not be rude or act weird. I will not talk about feelings or anything like that. Tbh I don't need to because I have already begun to make peace with the situation. I will be amicable and do the necessary proceedings, and then I will walk away.

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You have had no motivation to "change" because he kept rewarding your behavior by coming back.

 

Him coming back now will guarantee you WON'T "change"...because he'll prove once again that you can keep having hissy fits and he'll just go away for a while and then come back.

 

The only way you MIGHT "change" is if he stays away for good. Because then you'll have to realize that the way you handle conflict, disappointment, being "left alone", etc. isn't working and is unhealthy.

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I see your point. However, it was not a case that I simply would just throw a 'hissy fit' if something didn't go my way. Absolutely not the case.

The relationship, over time, became fractured for a number of reasons- reasons which were not always anything to do with me. He was not perfect either.

I do not want a pity party, nor have I tried to gloss over the fact that I have my issues that played a part in this.

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