Am I overthinking this or my jealousy is taking over?

[bigheart101]

So the reason I'm here is because I need some advice. I've moved to a new city and I have no one to turn to. I met this beautiful woman on the Internet last december. We immediately hit it off. We had a lot of things in common and luckily she was in my city (not the current one I'm in). I was able to meet her only once before I left for a new city due to work and same for her, our work separated us but we spent that whole day together and it was amazing. We decided to start a relationship none the less, a long distance one because we felt we had something beautiful between us to let it go to waste. Our eventual plan is to start living together at some point but we haven't fully planned that. I was going to live with her for a week or two but that hasn't happened yet. The reason I'm here is because these last few days, I feel like things have not been quite normal between us.

 

We have started talking lesser and lesser and the things we say are more of a routine now and that's fine with me. Work days are tough, I understand. She would usually text from work in-between but that has stopped happening as much as well. Yesterday I tried to change that and start a bunch of different topics with her but didn't get much of a response on those and no effort from her. She still did repeat the usual I love you and miss you text. I even asked if something is up but she denied and didn't respond to it much. I'm the jealous kind but I'm working on it and I don't bother her much with it. The problem being that she is usually online on WhatsApp more and more but not talking to me or giving one word answers to me but talking to other people, till late nights. Basically putting no effort into this with me.

 

I'm the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve so this sort of hurt but I understand giving space is really needed. The fact that she tells me there are guys from work and from her uni working at the same place who hit on her doesn't help me much. She also told me yesterday that the work people wanted to go for a movie and dinner today. She told me she rather stay back at the office and complete work and has plans to go home and chill with her roommate. I told her to socialize and all and she responded by saying she's fine in that area. In fact there was a guy so keen on getting her to come along he was ready to talk to her roommate and tell her she will be coming late for her. So today the only time we talked was before work at 8am and the last message was sent from me. Morning has come and gone and its almost 10pm here and she hasn't responded or started a conversation or gotten in touch with me. I didn't message her thinking maybe I need to give her some space but I can't help think the worst. What kind of person doesn't even update you on her plans? Is this normal behaviour specially after what she said yesterday.

 

I have a million thoughts going through my mind and the one that repeats the most is that maybe since its only been two months, this was just the honeymoon phase which was worn off. I mean between her being online on WhatsApp talking to other people more than me, and much in the same repeat pattern when she does talk to me, like what I had for dinner etc etc and the fact that she says something about today but then disappears on me and her telling about the guys who hit on her, I'm starting to feel like I missed something myself about this. Any advice would be good or just some words if my thinking is normal or I'm crazy would help. Haha. Thanks

 

Also, the only reason I'm making effort here because I've actually fallen for her and care about her. Ive dated women where these phases would come and go and the woman would leave and it was fine by me. I don't want to lose this woman but I want to keep my feelings in check and not set myself up for heartache.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately after one date she may not think a LDR is engaging enough. She may want to date local people. For example talking about moving in, ILYs, etc after only one date is too much too soon and people may be telling her it's a red flag.

 

It sounds like loneliness is clouding things. All you really have is a the memory of one nice date and some texts. Try to pull back and see what happens. At the same time try to get more involved with realistic local women, friends, clubs, groups, activities, etc..

I was able to meet her only once

[milly007]

What did your last message to her say?

 

If you're still sensing something is off over the next few days, I would just call her and see how she's doing. Don't start off the conversation asking if she's okay though. Just make small talk, ask about her day, etc. and if you're still sensing something is off, ask her if everything's okay.

 

If things still continue as they are and are not getting any better, I would seriously consider whether this is a relationship that you want. This is long distance, right? LDR's take more work, in my opinion. There has to be equal effort in a relationship, obviously. So if your needs aren't being fulfilled, why bother continuing on with the relationship?

 

Also, have to say, why is she telling you about these other guys hitting on her? And about the guy from work wanting her to join them for dinner? It makes me suspicious, as if she is trying to make you jealous. Otherwise, I just don't see why she's telling you these things or what the point is.

[reinventmyself]

You met someone once two months ago does not a relationship make.

What may have seem like a good idea in the moment is different than the reality.

After a few weeks she's finding that this isn't working for her and doing a slow fade.

 

I'm sorry. You might prepare yourself for moving on as well.

[bigheart101]

Thanks for the replies guys. Appreciate it. Sorry, work had me tied up so it took some time to reply. Just the idea that you guys took some time out to read this and help me, makes me happy.

 

Unfortunately after one date she may not think a LDR is engaging enough. She may want to date local people. For example talking about moving in, ILYs, etc after only one date is too much too soon and people may be telling her it's a red flag.

 

It sounds like loneliness is clouding things. All you really have is a the memory of one nice date and some texts. Try to pull back and see what happens. At the same time try to get more involved with realistic local women, friends, clubs, groups, activities, etc..

 

So she's the one who was more into the idea of this long distance relationship than I was initially. It took my sometime to come to the conclusion that I wanted to put the same effort into it. Even though we had only been on one date. I doubt loneliness is the issue since I've been alone of three years. I spent two years trying to figure who I am without being defined by a relationship and the third year was mostly hookups before I met her.

 

You met someone once two months ago does not a relationship make.

What may have seem like a good idea in the moment is different than the reality.

After a few weeks she's finding that this isn't working for her and doing a slow fade.

 

I'm sorry. You might prepare yourself for moving on as well.

 

on the contrary, she came back to that night and we talked on the phone. She said some pretty intense things like how this albeit long distance relationship means to her and how badly she's fallen for me. Shes been showing more signs of commitment to this

 

What did your last message to her say?

 

If you're still sensing something is off over the next few days, I would just call her and see how she's doing. Don't start off the conversation asking if she's okay though. Just make small talk, ask about her day, etc. and if you're still sensing something is off, ask her if everything's okay.

 

If things still continue as they are and are not getting any better, I would seriously consider whether this is a relationship that you want. This is long distance, right? LDR's take more work, in my opinion. There has to be equal effort in a relationship, obviously. So if your needs aren't being fulfilled, why bother continuing on with the relationship?

 

Also, have to say, why is she telling you about these other guys hitting on her? And about the guy from work wanting her to join them for dinner? It makes me suspicious, as if she is trying to make you jealous. Otherwise, I just don't see why she's telling you these things or what the point is.

 

So she did get back. I took your advice and talked to her normally. I've mentioned what happened below. I think she told me about this guy because I pushed her to go out and socialize and this was her way of showing that she does, although I can see what you mean. It has spiked my jealously a bit. Help me after reading what I mentioned below. Perhaps it will make sense

 

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So after I posted this, super late at night she called me saying she just got home. We talked on the phone. We had a super nice conversation and she told how badly she's fallen for me and vice versa. We have this intimate thing going where we are super committed to each other or at least we both like to believe we are and are affirming it, which I realized over the weekend but the problem is that I believe my jealously has kicked in and growing day by day.

 

For example, when she called me, after a long conversation I asked her if she did end up going to that dinner because she hadnt told me and she said he had, very casually. I was expecting her to tell me this herself and she didn't and I hated that she mentioned it casually when I asked. She told me how when she was getting dropped home with her roommate, one of her collegues kept staring at her. She didn't enjoy the attention but it didn't help my cause. Finally, we just wished it each other for valentines day and I couldn't help myself and asked something super stupid, I asked her if any other guys had wished her. She said just one other, a good friend of hers. I asked her if it was the one she told me about, the one who liked her a lot and she had a thing for a long time ago but told me not anymore. They basically had wrong timing. She liked her and he was with someone. Now he likes her and she told me she moved on. So anyway, her reply to my question was first "I doesn't remember" followed by "he loves me, yes. He knows I love you, yes.". I was taken aback a bit because I didn't know he loved her. So I told her the same. Told her I had no idea he loved her. She's was like "he loves me a lot actually, hurts a bit everytime I think about it. But now we don't bring it up, at least I dont". So yeah. That made my jealousy and insecurity kick in at the highest level. Don't know what to make of it. It's more difficult for me now because 4 years ago I was dumped by my ex who left me for someone else after a 3 year relationship. I spent the next two years trying to figure out who I am without one.I did hook up with a few before I met this one. I know this long distance isn't the healthiest way to jump back into it but I really really like her and have feelings for her and I known it's not conventional but I want to give it a try. Any tips for my jealousy. What helps work through it and all. I'm afraid it will get the better of me but I'm sure you can to some extent why.