Confused By Flirting then Rejection

[Green25]

Hi, I've liked a girl for a long time and she has been very flirty with me over the last few months. I finally had the courage yesterday to tell her how I felt and ask her on a date. She turned me down. I have no problem about being rejected but I am confused about why she would flirt if she is not interested in me. It left me feeling down so I wrote my feelings down this morning just as a way of getting them out of my system. Here's the story. I'd really appreciate any thoughts or feedback, especially from a female perspective:

 

 

I feel so disappointed about the way things turned out yesterday when I asked a girl on a date. I am not unhappy because she knocked me back. I am hurt because my hopes were raised and she lead me to believe there was something there that wasn't. I am disappointed and confused because I do not understand why she would play with my feelings like that.

 

For the last few months she has flirted with me. I am not a flirty person and do not normally like to show my feelings very openly. It leaves me feeling exposed and naked.

 

In the beginning I did not flirt back. I really liked her but am reluctant to show someone that I like them. Over weeks and months, as her flirting continued I thought that she was continually making flirty comments because she liked me. I liked her so I started to respond so that she would know I had feelings for her too.

 

Over the past few months there have often been comments exchanged between us and we were getting closer together. At least that is what I thought was happening and I think strongly that this is the impression she was trying to give.

 

Some of her flirty comments were clearly meant to be just that. Remarks about getting married together and me being her husband were obviously not supposed to be taken seriously. Just making comments like that though, why? What was her intention? What response was she trying to get? She obviously wasn't asking me to marry her but why would she say things like that if she has no interest in me? She was clearly just joking about marriage but making a joke like that made me think she had some kind of interest in me.

 

Aside from things like this which clearly were not intended to be taken literally or seriously she often said more realistic things about going out together, she would call me her boyfriend, etc. These were not crazy things to say and this blurred the line of when she was being serious.

 

I was cautious about taking her flirting seriously at first but I liked her and as she continued to do things like calling me her boyfriend, telling me she missed me, telling me she wanted to do things together, asking me for hugs, I believed she was for real.

 

She seemed to genuinely like me, recently for example, as I was leaving she stopped me and told me she wanted me to take her away somewhere together. Another time she asked me to give her a massage and seemed really disappointed when I said no. Anytime there was a chance to drop it into a conversation, she would remind me that she is single or that she wants/needs a boyfriend or feels alone.

 

I am guarded and cautious with my feelings so I felt really out of my comfort zone letting her know I liked her and asking her out on a date, but after all the things she had said and done I really believed she liked me.

 

When she had made remarks about being a couple, at times I had wondered if she really meant it but the thing that made me believe she did is that I cannot see any reason why she would lead me to believe she had feelings for me if she didn't.

 

If I tell a girl I like her and she says she is not interested, that's fair enough and I would not be upset.

 

What has left me really disappointed, upset and confused is that she lead me to believe she liked me but when I told her I liked her, she dropped me completely as if it was some kind of joke or a game where she had just been playing with my feelings.

 

I feel like she has been telling me and showing me she wants me for weeks and months and then as soon as I had found the courage to ask her out, she was laughing in my face and say it had all been a big joke.

 

I cannot understand why she would lead me on if she isn't interested. She must know that this would give me false expectations and hurt me. I just can't understand why she would do this. It has left me so confused.

 

All I can think of is that she enjoys the attention or the self esteem boost of men liking her and flirts with men just to get a response which makes her feel attractive, wanted or empowered. If this is the case then it is a cruel game to play.

 

If you like somebody and you show it, great but don't pretend to like someone and build up their hopes if you have no interest in them. It's just not right.

 

To me it seems a bit like parents spending months before Christmas telling their kids about Santa and getting them excited about him coming and leaving them presents but then on Christmas morning giving them nothing and telling them Santa doesn't exist.

 

 

To me it seems so obviously wrong to lead me on if she was not interested in me. So obvious that I can't understand what is happening. I don't think she is so mean or cruel that she would deliberately toy with me and hurt me but I cannot think what else she could be doing.

 

Does anybody have any thoughts? Especially from a female point of view.

[Lucha]

I am a female lesbian so I can empathize with you from a female point of view and from liking women point of view ;-) It sucks and she shouldn't have let you on like that. I understand you are hurt. But stuff like this happens all the time, people flirt for the sake of flirting. It is not very decent, and it sure isn't pleasant to get rejected after getting your hopes up. But you are letting this weigh you down more than it should. Because it probably will happen again someday with this or another girl and it is too bad you are taking this on you. Don't guard your feelings too much, it is great you eventually put yourself out there even though you got rejected.

 

Yes it was wrong of her to lead you on, yes stuff like this happens all the time, and no there is nothing we can do about it except be genuine and hope to meet a genuine person as well.

[derroax]

That's why a lot of my male friends are gay. I don't have to be careful that what I say or do will be misinterpreted. It sounds like she saw you as a good friend that she can talk to as if you were a girlfriend, but you clearly thought/wanted more than that and she didn't notice so she continued acting like that. She clearly feels comfortable with you and likes you a lot, but you're not her type in terms of relationship. I can imagine you feel hurt as you were hoping all those things meant something more, and they didn't, so you're a little bit heartbroken (anyone is, when their love isn't shared). Give it time to heal and decide whether you can be just friends with her.

[Wiseman2]

Good you took the initiative to ask her out. Her answer tells you all you need to know.

Some people enjoy flirting.

She may have a bf

She may not be interested in dating

She may not date coworkers

She's not leading you on by flirting, since you never dated. She was crystal clear about not wanting to date.

Ignore her from now on and don't accept this friendzoning, attention seeking behavior.

[Eyebrows]

Sounds like my ex, who was a complete attention-seeker. Maybe she likes the power.

[SooSad33]

That's why a lot of my male friends are gay. I don't have to be careful that what I say or do will be misinterpreted. It sounds like she saw you as a good friend that she can talk to as if you were a girlfriend, but you clearly thought/wanted more than that and she didn't notice so she continued acting like that. She clearly feels comfortable with you and likes you a lot, but you're not her type in terms of relationship. I can imagine you feel hurt as you were hoping all those things meant something more, and they didn't, so you're a little bit heartbroken (anyone is, when their love isn't shared). Give it time to heal and decide whether you can be just friends with her.

 

I don't agree with this.... 'Why a lot of my male friends are gay'.

Actions re: influence and experience or hardship in seeking women does not 'make one gay', etc.

One is born and matures into having a preference. It's not a 'choice' thing.

 

IF they choose to be that way- they could be more 'curious'.. or act in a 'bi' mode.

 

My ex's dad was gay but denied it as he'd married his mother.. was 30 yrs of a lie!

No one made him live his life as a lie.. as he got nailed in the end- cheating with a man in another town- and was drunk.

Down the marriage went.

[derroax]

I don't agree with this.... 'Why a lot of my male friends are gay'.

Actions re: influence and experience or hardship in seeking women does not 'make one gay', etc.

One is born and matures into having a preference. It's not a 'choice' thing.

 

IF they choose to be that way- they could be more 'curious'.. or act in a 'bi' mode.

 

My ex's dad was gay but denied it as he'd married his mother.. was 30 yrs of a lie!

No one made him live his life as a lie.. as he got nailed in the end- cheating with a man in another town- and was drunk.

Down the marriage went.

 

Umm. What I meant was that sometimes men do misinterpret what women's actions mean, that's why I find it easier to have gay male friends - at least I know they understand I really care about them, not that I am hitting on them.

[Green25]

Lucha - Thanks for your comments. It's very helpful to have the thoughts of other people coming from different perspectives. I have always tried to be genuine with people and it had never crossed my mind that someone might flirt just for fun without meaning that they actually are interested in you. I haven't got a huge amount of relationship experience and I think I've been naive in this case. I'd always thought that the reason a girl would flirt in this way was to show she like you and to gauge whether the feeling was mutual.

 

I guess I've been looking only through my own eyes and not appreciating that her take on flirting might be different to mine. I'd never really appreciated that people flirt just for the sake of flirting or just for fun. It was really confusing me as I could not understand why someone would say/show they liked me repeatedly but then reject me when I reciprocated. It is comforting to hear that it isn't unusual for people to just flirt without meaning anything by it. I will understand situations like this better in future.

[Green25]

That's why a lot of my male friends are gay. I don't have to be careful that what I say or do will be misinterpreted. It sounds like she saw you as a good friend that she can talk to as if you were a girlfriend, but you clearly thought/wanted more than that and she didn't notice so she continued acting like that. She clearly feels comfortable with you and likes you a lot, but you're not her type in terms of relationship. I can imagine you feel hurt as you were hoping all those things meant something more, and they didn't, so you're a little bit heartbroken (anyone is, when their love isn't shared). Give it time to heal and decide whether you can be just friends with her.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. We weren't long term friends before this happened. The post above is more or less how it started and ended. I wasn't a good friend who wanted more or expected more. Since I've known her there's been flirting which she initiated that has gradually increased. I do like her and after a while the flirting got to the point where I was sure she was signalling that she was interested so I made a move. She knocked me back. As a result I was confused as to why she'd been flirting if she did not have any feelings for me. I think I have been naive as I had not though that someone might just flirt for fun or maybe even as a way of seeking affirmation or boosting her self esteem.

[Ms Darcy]

I can understand your confusion. I mean, she asked you for a massage. That was a bit much.

[trojan]

I had this happen a while ago too. It was flattering in that she was way out of my league. But I figured out she was just flirting just to flirt, which was sort of why it didnt surprise me too much. I figure she was doing the same to ten other guys.

Shes just having fun with you, dont let it get you down.

Im surprised it hasnt happened to you before.

It just happens.

[Green25]

I had this happen a while ago too. It was flattering in that she was way out of my league. But I figured out she was just flirting just to flirt, which was sort of why it didnt surprise me too much. I figure she was doing the same to ten other guys.

Shes just having fun with you, dont let it get you down.

Im surprised it hasnt happened to you before.

It just happens.

 

Thanks. It left me disappointed as I did not expect somebody lead me on just for fun. I try to be straight and genuine with people I like (and those I don't) and assumed other people would do the same. From the comments it seems I've been naive and this type of flirting for fun is common. At least I've learned something.

 

It confused me as I couldn't understand why anyone would lead me to think they liked me romantically if they didn't. It was this confusion that was bothering me rather than actually being rejected. I think maybe she is also flirty with men in general. Possibly as a way to make herself feel wanted/desired and increase her self esteem.

[Jibralta]

To me it seems so obviously wrong to lead me on if she was not interested in me. So obvious that I can't understand what is happening. I don't think she is so mean or cruel that she would deliberately toy with me and hurt me but I cannot think what else she could be doing.

 

Are the two of you young? I'm not asking to be condescending, but because when I was in my teens and early 20s, I was pretty fickle where romance was concerned. It wasn't from a desire to be cruel, but more because I was trying to find out what I wanted. I would travel a certain distance down a path, decide it wasn't for me, and then bail. And because I was (am) not easily hurt or offended by the actions of other people, I didn't (and still occasionally don't) realize that my own actions could hurt other people. As I got older, I became more aware of these things, and less likely to be so callus.

 

So, my first guess is that it's due to her age. But whether this is the case or not, I don't think that you would thrive in a relationship with a person like her. I think you're probably better off with someone who can relate to you more on an emotional level.

[Sportster2005]

She likely liked you, but wasn't attracted to you. She was being playful. Where it gets nasty is you were probably both making assumptions about what the other was thinking and feeling. She was probably thinking you knew she was just being playful and friendly. When she found out you're serious about her, she was probably surprised.

 

You mentioned that she lead you on. You thought she was thinking of you in a romantic interest way. So when she turned you down, you were disappointed. The reality is, she probably did nothing to intentionally lead you on. This went on for weeks and months.

 

She must know that this would give me false expectations and hurt me.

No she must not. She cannot know what you are thinking.

 

If you like somebody and you show it, great but don't pretend to like someone and build up their hopes if you have no interest in them. It's just not right.

She did like you, and she showed it. You probably confused that liking as romantic attraction.

 

To me it seems so obviously wrong to lead me on if she was not interested in me.

I don't think she intentionally meant to lead you on. I think she may be a bit naive and immature, and doesn't understand how it could happen easily.

 

All I can think of is that she enjoys the attention or the self esteem boost of men liking her and flirts with men just to get a response which makes her feel attractive, wanted or empowered. If this is the case then it is a cruel game to play.

People in general like attention from the opposite sex. It is a self esteem boost. It does make people feel attractive. I think you're putting too much emphasis on harmless flirting. Flirting isn't a contract or commitment. It can be abused. And people can be manipulative with it. But it's usually harmless and natural and normal.

 

Do avoid this in the future, if you're interested in a gal, and think she's sending you signals, ask her out. Don't wait weeks and months. Signals crossed all the time in dating and attraction. Don't be hard on her, and don't be hard on yourself. Just take it as a lesson. She liked you. She probably meant no harm. And remember you never know right away who gets the best of the deal when you get rejected.

 

Daing is going to suck if you take this so personal.

[Green25]

Are the two of you young? I'm not asking to be condescending, but because when I was in my teens and early 20s, I was pretty fickle where romance was concerned. It wasn't from a desire to be cruel, but more because I was trying to find out what I wanted. I would travel a certain distance down a path, decide it wasn't for me, and then bail. And because I was (am) not easily hurt or offended by the actions of other people, I didn't (and still occasionally don't) realize that my own actions could hurt other people. As I got older, I became more aware of these things, and less likely to be so callus.

 

So, my first guess is that it's due to her age. But whether this is the case or not, I don't think that you would thrive in a relationship with a person like her. I think you're probably better off with someone who can relate to you more on an emotional level.

 

 

Thanks for your comments. I think you could be right. Not so much from an age perspective but she split up with a long term boyfriend just under a year ago. I think maybe she is still trying to work out where she wants to go from there and what she does and doesn't want.

[Green25]

Thanks Sportster2005. I really appreciate your thoughts and comments. It is great to get input from different perspectives. I can see that I have been considering my interactions with her purely through my eyes and judging them based on my own values, standards and paradigms. I was not giving enough thought to the fact that she might have different ways of doing things.

 

I am not a flirty person and have not had a lot of relationship experience so it simply did not occur to me that her flirting might just be for fun rather than an indication that she was romantically interested.

[Green25]

This got into my thoughts again yesterday as it was Valentine's day and relationships were in your face everywhere you turned. One thought that came to me was that I know some guys will tell a girl how much they care about her just to try to get her into bed when they don't have any real interest in her as a potential girlfriend.

 

Is this a kind of equivalent for girls? i.e. Saying/showing guys affection just to get some warmth, attention, affection from him to make themselves feel good without having any interest in him as a potential boyfriend.

[Sportster2005]

This got into my thoughts again yesterday as it was Valentine's day and relationships were in your face everywhere you turned. One thought that came to me was that I know some guys will tell a girl how much they care about her just to try to get her into bed when they don't have any real interest in her as a potential girlfriend.

 

Is this a kind of equivalent for girls? i.e. Saying/showing guys affection just to get some warmth, attention, affection from him to make themselves feel good without having any interest in him as a potential boyfriend.

 

Of course. Men and women will manipulate and lie to get what they want. Not just in romance, but in life in general. IF you feel you've been used, by all means move on. But give people the benefit of a doubt and take the high road.

[Green25]

Of course. Men and women will manipulate and lie to get what they want. Not just in romance, but in life in general. IF you feel you've been used, by all means move on. But give people the benefit of a doubt and take the high road.

 

Sure. Used/played with/misled/led on. I'm not sure which is the best way to phrase it and I don't want to sound over dramatic. I don't believe she did it with any intent to deliberately hurt my feelings

 

It seems maybe here idea of what flirting means is different to mine. I can see I've been a bit naive in taking things she said and did at face value to mean she was interested so that's a lesson I will learn. In my view she has been careless in flirting without realising I would take it as an indication of interest.

 

I never expected her to make a move and ask me on a date. I think she sees it as the guy's job to do that. I thought her repeated flirting was her way of letting me know she was interested and would be receptive to me making a move.

 

Anyway, life goes on and I'll be more aware in the future.

[Sportster2005]

Sure. Used/played with/misled/led on. I'm not sure which is the best way to phrase it and I don't want to sound over dramatic. I don't believe she did it with any intent to deliberately hurt my feelings

 

It seems maybe here idea of what flirting means is different to mine. I can see I've been a bit naive in taking things she said and did at face value to mean she was interested so that's a lesson I will learn. In my view she has been careless in flirting without realising I would take it as an indication of interest.

 

I never expected her to make a move and ask me on a date. I think she sees it as the guy's job to do that. I thought her repeated flirting was her way of letting me know she was interested and would be receptive to me making a move.

 

Anyway, life goes on and I'll be more aware in the future.

 

It may have been a bit careless. And it's inevitable people will see things differently. You're not going to find a consensus on flirting.

 

It is still mostly a guys job to initiate. That has advantages, as well as disadvantages. Think of the woman who is desperately trying to get asked out. She flirts and flirts, but her crush just doesn't get it. Or he thinks she's just being friendly. It must be very frustrating. Men always of the option to ask a woman out if we like them, and think it's reciprocated. Even if it isn't we can always try anyways.

 

You will prevent a lot of anguish by asking women out earlier, if you're interested.

 

And don't worry too much about it. We ALL get rejected. The good news is, when two people really want to be together, it usually happens very easily.

[ParisPaulette]

First, you did nothing wrong. And I'm a woman, but man she was throwing out some signs. So then you asked her out and she shot you down? (Scratches head) I too wonder what that's all about.

 

Really though I've had this happen on other lines, and yes now that I think about it I remember a boy in high school who did that to me, flirted like mad, told all my friends he liked me, wouldn't ask me out, so one day I asked him. He shot me down, avoided me after that, took up dating some other girl.

 

I have no idea why. I don't know that he does either.

 

I think sometimes people like the attention, or they like the fantasy of something, but the reality is something they are not prepared to follow through with. People who do the whole, "We must do lunch," but are always too busy. That person who promises you something and yet it never happens, even when you ask directly for it. And the whole flirting, sending out signals of "I like you" but then they back away when you show interest.

 

I have no idea what that is, but it's not really sane. So I've learned to simply leave those people alone. But she didn't go for it when she had the chance, so that's her loss, not yours. Just distance yourself, shrug it off. All I'd say is maybe next time ask sooner, so you don't your hopes raised so high. Sorry that happened, I think it was kind of mean of her personally. Light flirting okay, sure. But calling you her boyfriend, jokes about marriage, asking for a massage, those are all indications she really likes you.

 

Maybe she just got scared and backing off a bit will also wake her up. But in the meantime you took a chance, you were brave, my hat is off to you sir, because yeah it's dang hard to ask someone out and worse still to get turned down. All you can do is say, "Nah, not that one," then carry on.

[Green25]

First, you did nothing wrong. And I'm a woman, but man she was throwing out some signs.

 

Light flirting okay, sure. But calling you her boyfriend, jokes about marriage, asking for a massage, those are all indications she really likes you.

 

 

Thanks ParisPaulette. It is comforting to know that others would interpret her flirting and signals as clear signs of interest. I'm not a flirty person and was left confused to the point where I was wondering whether I had totally misunderstood what type of things girls say and do to show interest.

[Sportster2005]

Google "why do people play catch and release" you'll find an article published by eHarmony. At the very least it's interesting, and give some insight to what happens all too often in the dating world.

[evad1]

Thanks ParisPaulette. It is comforting to know that others would interpret her flirting and signals as clear signs of interest. I'm not a flirty person and was left confused to the point where I was wondering whether I had totally misunderstood what type of things girls say and do to show interest.

 

The friend zone lol. She probably just likes the attention. I don't see the reason of flirting with someone you're not even good friends with. Can you be addicted to flirting lol??

]

[ParisPaulette]

Some people are flirtatious by nature, they enjoy it, may not even be conscious of doing it. Again, I'm not sure what that's about, because I was never the flirtatious type. I have a sibling who is. He just is like that. He flirts with everyone and I do mean everyone. He's collects hearts and friends and no one ever has a single bad thing to say. He's so charming that when he is misunderstood, which happens frequently, for wanting something more that he can simply ease out of it while makign the other person feel great for being turned down.

 

I've watched it. I'm in awe and exhausted by him at the same time. I have no idea how he does it, but he sees every single person out there as an adventure and a friend. Can you be addicted to flirting? Not really, but I think for some people it comes as naturally as air. Others like me have had to struggle to do the whole ignore, ignore, ignore, blurt out "I like you!" in the most awkward of ways then retreat and rinse and repeat. I'm a terrible flirter. One of those women who would try batting her eyelashes only to have the fellow as if I had something in my eye.

 

So yeah, I dunno, it's a flirt gene or something?

 

Good news is out there is someone who will dig you just the way you are. So onward moving forward to find them.