"You, Me and She ...What We Gonna Do Baby"

[Butterfly1983]

Good evening everyone... will try to make this brief..

 

Early 2016 I met a military guy on Match.com. His profile said divorced. He was deployed at the time. Well once he came home, we met and moved along. It was fairly bumpy and a little difficult because I wasn't used to military life. Being honest, there were a few flags along the way.

 

In September, he wanted to break things off because he said work was becoming too much and he just didn't have time for a relationship but if things lightened up and he became available, and I was available, we could rekindle things. We remained in contact during his next short deployment.

 

In November, I came across some information on Linked In and then went to FB, connected the dots and found out that he was still in contact with his exgf. She is ill (confirmed). He said he wanted to be there to support her and her kids...the kids adore him. He told me that he didn't know how to tell me and wasn't sure what to do and how to handle things. Well... I believed the bull...that he wasn't attached to her but was attached to the situation and felt a sense of obligation.

 

My gut wouldn't let me chill and so I did more digging and found

 

Well this past December, I found out he was still married ( separated). The wife filed for divorce but the case was still open. When I asked him about it, he said he was so ashamed of his situation and he wanted to handle things on his own. He told me that his life was a mess and he needed to fix his life before moving on with me.

 

Well to make a long story short... fast forward... I still felt unsettled so I decided to reach out to "exgf." Well I find out that they are engaged, living together since July. She does indeed have a potentially terminal diagnosis. I told her everything that happened between us.

 

So yes, he is still married on paper and engaged to someone else. He hates me and tells me I've ruined his life blah blah.

 

Why do I feel so bad? Why? And was I wrong to communicate with the fiance? I wanted the truth. Thoughts?

[Seraphim]

Why hurt a terminally ill person? Did it make you feel better?

[reinventmyself]

Well. . It's all out now.

 

You have the truth and don't feel guilty. No doubt you have a lot of volatile emotions.

Guilt should not be one of them.

 

The only person that ruined his life is himself. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to have a conscious, so not taking any responsibility and trying to deflect the

blame is just another indication of his broken character.

 

I am sorry you went through this. I hope there are some valuable lesson here for you so you don't find yourself in this situation again.

 

Head high. . don't look back

[Butterfly1983]

I guess I should add... that November/December... we picked up again in terms of communication and when he returned...we saw each other and just started communicating more and more.

[Butterfly1983]

Why hurt a terminally ill person? Did it make you feel better?

 

My intention wasn't to hurt her. I was very upset and just wanted confirmation. No, it doesn't make me feel better. If I could rewind the clock, I would've paid attention to the flags earlier on and just walked as the lies began coming out.

[Wiseman2]

Yikes! He sounds like one of those sociopath bigamists. Sorry this happened to you, run like hell.

 

You didn't ruin his life, his philandering and lies did. He's probably getting a lot of flack from the wife and/or gf.

 

Do you think there's any more gfs, wives, fiances, etc. parked around the country?

So yes, he is still married on paper and engaged to someone else. He hates me and tells me I've ruined his life blah blah

[Butterfly1983]

Well. . It's all out now.

 

You have the truth and don't feel guilty. No doubt you have a lot of volatile emotions.

Guilt should not be one of them.

 

The only person that ruined his life is himself. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to have a conscious, so not taking any responsibility and trying to deflect the

blame is just another indication of his broken character.

 

I am sorry you went through this. I hope there are some valuable lesson here for you so you don't find yourself in this situation again.

 

Head high. . don't look back

 

Thank you. There are so many lessons. Right now, I'm going through the process of evaluating my though process and actions. It hurts a lot. I'm truly heartbroken. Everything was a lie from the beginning.

 

Head high!

[Butterfly1983]

Yikes! He sounds like one of those sociopath bigamists. Sorry this happened to you, run like hell.

 

You didn't ruin his life, his philandering and lies did. He's probably getting a lot of flack from the wife and/or gf.

 

Do you think there's any more gfs, wives, fiances, etc. parked around the country?

 

Well according to the fiance, he has been getting a divorce for 7 years. Smh. Yes, I believe there may be other women or at least there was someone else before me. The fiance and I both feel that way. In fact, the fiance' divorced her first husband for cheating. I asked when he proposed and she said around the time we met. Sigh. smh

 

He is separated from the wife, just not sure why they can't finalize the divorce.

[Butterfly1983]

**Update**

So we did the back and forth. He blamed me for ruining his life and jeopardizing his career (something I did not do). He doesn't want to take any responsibility for his actions. It is all my fault... and I'm going to look like the bad guy. How can a person propose to a woman, he says he loves, she's also battling cancer... then go on Match.com to meet other women...lie about everything for an entire year and then blame you for it? Can anybody answer that?

[RainyCoast]

can you answer what you are trying to achieve?

 

you did the "back and forth"? what back and forth was there to do?

 

why are you going the length to talk to him and his ill girlfriend? what is in it for you?

[reinventmyself]

Its time to block him and move forward. Don't wrestle with pigs. You just get dirty.

[Butterfly1983]

can you answer what you are trying to achieve?

 

you did the "back and forth"? what back and forth was there to do?

 

why are you going the length to talk to him and his ill girlfriend? what is in it for you?

 

The "back and forth" were the arguments about the fallout. I only reached out to the fiance on Thursday- no time after. I reached out because I wanted truth and confirmation...two things he wouldn't give me.

[Butterfly1983]

Its time to block him and move forward. Don't wrestle with pigs. You just get dirty.

 

Thanks. I've blocked his number but cannot figure out how to block emails...so I'll google that.

[RainyCoast]

The "back and forth" were the arguments about the fallout. I only reached out to the fiance on Thursday- no time after. I reached out because I wanted truth and confirmation...two things he wouldn't give me.

 

i think you have found out so much crap before, that it required no confirmation. i know it's hard to wrap your head around something so twisted, but you will only gain clarity by yourself. he couldn't speak the truth if his life depended on it. the more of this circus you're updated on, the harder it'll be to detach.

[Wiseman2]

You forget to mention doing all this while also still being legally married to yet someone else. You must block him. he's nuts and sounds like he could go off on you..

How can a person propose to a woman, he says he loves, she's also battling cancer... then go on Match.com to meet other women.

[Butterfly1983]

i think you have found out so much crap before, that it required no confirmation. i know it's hard to wrap your head around something so twisted, but you will only gain clarity by yourself. he couldn't speak the truth if his life depended on it. the more of this circus you're updated on, the harder it'll be to detach.

 

You're absolutely right. Now that I've calmed down, I wish I would've walked away months ago. I'm upset (with myself) that I didn't trust my gut. But yes Rainy, you're right...way too many chances and I'm sitting here trying to wrap my brain around all of this mess and I just need to stop. It will never make sense to me. Is it normal to feel like I've lost something even though he's crap?

[Butterfly1983]

You forget to mention doing all this while also still being legally married to yet someone else. You must block him. he's nuts and sounds like he could go off on you..

 

Ha! Yes, legally married! It's "funny" you mentioned that, my cousin is scared that he may try to harm me.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds unhinged. I would back away from this for that and so many other obvious reasons. You can do much better than this.

Ha! Yes, legally married! It's "funny" you mentioned that, my cousin is scared that he may try to harm me.

[boltnrun]

Adultery is illegal in the military (at least, in the US).

 

So, he should be worried.

 

But HE caused this mess.

 

No need to keep digging to find out "why". How would finding out "why" change the outcome??

[RainyCoast]

You're absolutely right. Now that I've calmed down, I wish I would've walked away months ago. I'm upset (with myself) that I didn't trust my gut. But yes Rainy, you're right...way too many chances and I'm sitting here trying to wrap my brain around all of this mess and I just need to stop. It will never make sense to me. Is it normal to feel like I've lost something even though he's crap?

it's normal because you did lose something, you lost an emotional investment. now that you know he doesn't deserve it, you will reclaim your emotional energy back, step by step. that's why following this crazy mess is bad for you, it sucks your emotions by eliciting an emotional response- i mean it's impossible to be updated about something so sick and not experiencing affect. every time he elicits your disgust, outrage, revolt, he took that from your "battery". when you think of your feelings that way, as your emotional energy, as that's what they are, you will get the determination to preserve it.

[Butterfly1983]

He sounds unhinged. I would back away from this for that and so many other obvious reasons. You can do much better than this.

 

Thanks Wiseman. I'm going away for a few days so I'll put this all behind me and hopefully come back refreshed. I can do better and I will!

[Butterfly1983]

Adultery is illegal in the military (at least, in the US).

 

So, he should be worried.

 

But HE caused this mess.

 

No need to keep digging to find out "why". How would finding out "why" change the outcome??

 

So is it troublesome if you filed for divorce (verified) and it's just not finalized but you're engaged to someone? That's interesting. Okay, that's why he's flipping out! Well I didn't contact the military or anything...so I'm not sure how they found out. He said that when I called the court in December to inquire about the divorce status it triggered an alert and was sent to his security manager and now they're asking questions. He's lied so much that I don't believe that happened...but maybe it did. But he knew that I called in December. He didn't start flipping out until I cmmunicated with the fiance soo that's why I find it convenient and believe its a lie.

Blah. oh well

 

And you're right... it won't change the outcome. I guess I just wanted to know why he did it? Why he lied from jump but the "why" isn't important. He did it.

Thanks Bolt!

[Ms Darcy]

I guess I should add... that November/December... we picked up again in terms of communication and when he returned...we saw each other and just started communicating more and more.

 

I think when you realized he was still married you should have just left him alone completely and cut all contact.

[Butterfly1983]

I think when you realized he was still married you should have just left him alone completely and cut all contact.

 

You're absolutely right. When we met he told me he'd been divorced for 2.5 years...so when I found out that he was still married...no matter how "messy" the divorce, I should've left based on the fact that he told a huge lie. I was blinded by emotions and I listened and believed his excuse...that he was ashamed and wanted to handle things on his own. I told him that he took my choice away by not disclosing his status from the beginning. I made some very dumb decisions and ignored some pretty huge flags. I accept full responsibility.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, so what you can do NOW is to cut all contact and do not communicate with him again.