Fordtechdad Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We were both previously married and were friends, couple friends, during the previous marriages. She divorced her husband a few years before my divorce. It was during my divorce that an affair between our ex spouses was confirmed. An affair that happened while we where both still married and were all "friends". My divorce was pretty nasty. We both have children from our previous marriges. A few years after my divorce, me and my now wife met up, talked of old times, fell in love, got married. Now comes the problem. Even though my divorce was nasty, I have since moved on and refuse to allow a bad time in my past control my life. I have regained a mutual understanding with my ex wife and are on good terms with her for the sake of our kids. I came from a divorced family as a child and remember how comforting it was that my parents still got along and no longer fought. This does not mean I forgive her or forget what she did to me. I just means I have put it in the past and respect my kids enough to be mature about it. My wife on the other hand still holds a strong grudge against my ex and is very spiteful. She can not even stand for me to be civil with my ex. She still has problems with her ex because he is behind on child support. I even get along with him and talk to him about all the kids more than my wife does. My wife constantly accuses me of still having feelings for my ex and that she is prying on our marriage. Its absolutly upsurd. The only comunication I have with my ex is about the kids, pick up and drop off, doctor visits, illnesses, school, sports, etc. I am very active in my kids lives and have 50/50 joint custody. If I don't tell my wife everytime a text or call was made with my ex, I'm hiding something. Even though my phone is unlocked and has access to all phone records, emails, my Facebook, everything. Every minute of my day is accounted for. I feel like I have to document and record everything I do just to prove my innocence. I breath a sigh of relief when one of my step kids wants to ride along to take my kids back to my ex's house cause then there is a witness to nothing happening. On top of that, she treats my kids that I have with my ex poorly. Honestly, she is a real b***h to them. As soon as I take them back by their mom, she does a 360 and acts like a superwife. All of this had made me the least bit interested in sex which is now used as another excuse to accuse me of cheating. We've tried counseling but it gets nowhere. The person just listens and offers no advice. I'm ready to just throw my hands up and call it quits cause the constant drain of frustration, accusations and guilt trips just isn't worth it. I just don't see how being a to my ex will make anything better. Anyone with similar issues? Advice?
abitbroken Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Firstly, Understand that everyone's process is different. Your ex was a homewrecker and destroyed her family, she is not merely your ex. She is having a heckuva time getting her ex to coparent or cooperate BECAUSE OF YOUR EX and what they mutually did. I think that you married eachother in haste - most likely did not seek premarital counseling. Its time to try counseling again, but find someone else or a different type of counselor. Also, part of counseling is to be able to talk in a mediated environment. And also, i would consider exchanging your kids by taking them to their grandparents for the ex to pick up for a short bit while you are working things through.
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Sorry to hear this. Agree you are doing the right thing being amicable with the ex for this kids' sake. Unfortunately it sounds like your wife is redirecting some of her rage and resentment about her ex at you. Some marriage therapy to affirm what you've stated here would help, as well as get her anger toward her ex under control and handled properly. Do you think she never got over the affair between her ex and your ex? Also she needs to treat your kids with respect when they are with you and that must be addressed.I have regained a mutual understanding with my ex wife and are on good terms with her for the sake of our kids. My wife on the other hand still holds a strong grudge against my ex and is very spiteful. She can not even stand for me to be civil with my ex. She still has problems with her ex because he is behind on child support. I feel like I have to document and record everything I do just to prove my innocence.On top of that, she treats my kids that I have with my ex poorly. Honestly, she is a real b***h to them.
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I have to ask, was this a good marriage choice?
DancingFool Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 So your ex wife effed around with your current wife's now ex husband.....now you two are married....yeah....awkward.... I think it's incredible how you have moved past all that. However, I also think that it would be too much to ask of most people. Your current wife has good reasons to hate your ex wife that are difficult to move past. Your ex destroyed your current wife's world and of course your current wife cannot trust your ex wife to be anything like decent. Personally, I think you two should have never gotten together, let alone gotten married. Sounds a lot like misery loves company went too far and while you have healed and moved past the pain, the situation is actually exacerbating your current wife's pain and stopping her from moving on. Parting ways is probably best for all parties involved, including your children if your current wife is being hateful toward them too. It's just not a healthy situation and I don't see how you could ever make it healthy. There is too much bad blood and bad history involved. At best, before going through yet another divorce, you can try more counseling but find a different counselor. Keep in mind that different therapist have different approaches. Not all are wallflowers charging you a small fortune just to listen to you two vent without offering anything constructive to do about your issues. It also sounds like your current wife could do with some personal counseling to help her heal on her own terms.
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 If anyone was a bytch to my kids they would be gonzo. As you have learned kids are forever who you marry isn't.
Cherelle Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 First and foremost, if she treats your kids poorly then she should be gone from your life. Secondly, your wife seems to hold on to negativity that can destroy her and all of her relationships. What business is it of hers that your ex-wife is involved with her ex-husband? Is she still holding feelings for him despite his lack of being financially responsible? Something in her life is preventing her from loving life and putting the past in the past. Is she miserable? Do you enjoy being around her?
ParisPaulette Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 On top of that, she treats my kids that I have with my ex poorly. Honestly, she is a real b***h to them. AND THIS IS THE REAL PROBLEM> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Don't care how your current wife feels about your ex, but why on earth are you staying married to someone who mistreats your kids??? That says more to me about you having a serious issue of your own, than it does her. You shouldn't have married her in the first place, you knew how she was going into the marriage, unless you were so desperate to stop being single you just up and married the woman before really even getting to know how she felt about it all. And then mistreating your kids? Yeah, pack her bags and tell her it's done, not because she's upset her ex had an affair with your ex, but because she's just a bitter angry woman who is taking it out on some kids that had nothing to do with it all in the first place. Then go get some therapy to figure out why you aren't a father tiger ready to do battle when even the people closest to you try to hurt your own children. Seriously, don't have kids if you are not willing to go to bat for them and insist they be treated with love and respect. You are their protector, that is your job, you aren't being a father if you're letting someone, don't care who it is, mistreat them. Get it together and dump this woman. She's poison. Not saying she has no right to be angry, but A. she should have moved on before marrying anyone and B. people who mistreat kids for any reason do not get a pass in my book. And they shouldn't in yours either.
intheferns Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 AND THIS IS THE REAL PROBLEM> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Don't care how your current wife feels about your ex, but why on earth are you staying married to someone who mistreats your kids??? That says more to me about you having a serious issue of your own, than it does her. You shouldn't have married her in the first place, you knew how she was going into the marriage, unless you were so desperate to stop being single you just up and married the woman before really even getting to know how she felt about it all. And then mistreating your kids? Yeah, pack her bags and tell her it's done, not because she's upset her ex had an affair with your ex, but because she's just a bitter angry woman who is taking it out on some kids that had nothing to do with it all in the first place. Then go get some therapy to figure out why you aren't a father tiger ready to do battle when even the people closest to you try to hurt your own children. Seriously, don't have kids if you are not willing to go to bat for them and insist they be treated with love and respect. You are their protector, that is your job, you aren't being a father if you're letting someone, don't care who it is, mistreat them. Get it together and dump this woman. She's poison. Not saying she has no right to be angry, but A. she should have moved on before marrying anyone and B. people who mistreat kids for any reason do not get a pass in my book. And they shouldn't in yours either. So much this! It sucks your wife hates your exwife but the HUGE thing is your wife is taking it out on your kids. And you know she's hateful to them. Why are you allowing this? Not ok, not at all. Stop putting her before your children.
catfeeder Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I would walk away from anyone who isn't kind to my kids. Period. Your kids are dependent on you to use good judgment on their behalf.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.