A lot of arguments with my girlfriend

[Personnumber5]

I am 31 and my gf is 22 we have been together 2 years and live together.

 

We go through phases of arguing a lot and the last few days we've had an argument everyday about something.

 

Just for clarity, I am depressed and struggle with a negative worldview that makes me almost constantly unhappy/unfulfilled and lethargic.

 

Today's argument was because I arranged a friend to visit our apartment for a weekend and I didn't tell my gf when I arranged it with him. I told her today about a week before he is meant to come round. She got upset when I told her because she wants to be part of the decision process when we have a visitor. This is understandable but I didn't tell her because she we have been arguing and she can get annoyed very easily about things especially in relation this this friend who is visiting because he has a history of not treating me/her with the respect that she wants from friends.

 

This is not the first time I've done this, I don't tell her things often because I'm worried about her reaction to things and I don't want to start an argument. Even though this usually backfires on me when she does inevitably find out. Then we have an even bigger argument. She says that this is a lack of respect from me for her but the way I see it is that I am just afraid of the conflict and just really don't want it.

 

She says that I have made it all up in my mind and that she is not like that but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells constantly and the slightest thing can set her off and make her mad.

 

She is studying from home, doesn't have a job and rarely leaves the house or sees friends, but she says she is happy with that. I am a more extroverted person but go out a lot less than I used to because she is like this and it bleeds into my life because I don't want her to feel bad if I'm out all the time although she says it's fine.

 

I'm so confused and this only scratches the surface of our problems.

 

I wake up everyday feeling like and the day just gets worse from there, I feel like I just do everything wrong and she expects me to be this man that I just can't be at the moment.

 

I never get any alone time in the apartment because she doesn't go out and I am someone who needs their alone time. I haven't got any for so long that I forget what it even feels like! I tried to tell her this but she says it's impossible for her to go out because she doesn't want to waste time on friends and sport/hobbies are too expensive where we live so I don't know what to do! I have to give up on it? Our apartment is very small so even if we are in different rooms I feel like she is there. I never get any time to just be myself with myself and it really hurts me.

 

Anyway I'm rambling.. Hopefully someone has something to say to help. I just need someone to talk to..

[jujusamples]

I'm a little conflicted when I read your post. Are you the one with depression or is your girlfriend the one with depression? I've been battling major depressive disorder for a while now and before I started to get help to better myself. I was like your girlfriend. I didn't go out, I didn't do anything, I just stayed home. Funny thing is my husband felt the same way about you when we were still dating. I remember I used to get mad at my husband for making plans without letting me know. His response is the same as you, he didn't want to argue about it.

 

Keep in mind, I'm the one with depression and that is why I acted that way. I did not realized until I started getting help and doing things to better myself.

 

Anyways point is, it is unhealthy how things are in your relationship. You need some time for yourself, time with each other and time for others. It could be friends it could be family. It could get to anybody if you are stuck seeing each other 24/7 without any other things going on. I lived through that and it did not work out. You need balance. There are lots of hobbies that does not require a lot of money. The best thing I did for myself, which really helped me mentally is join a gym. It feels good to go and it gets me out of the house.

 

Is it possible for one of you to go away for a few days? Just to get some space and time to yourself? It's important to get me time.

[DancingFool]

You say that you don't like conflict but....you choose to sneak around, do wrong and disrespectful things and deliberately cause major conflict.

 

You aren't avoiding conflict, you are avoiding normal healthy communication, discussion and working out a compromise.....which is pretty much what relationships are all about.

 

If your gf and your friend do not get along, then either he can stay with someone else or maybe you should go visit him. There is no real reason for him to stay with you two in your tiny place and arranging it with him but not telling the person who is living with you and will be affected by your one sided decision is not just disrespectful, it's completely selfish. Frankly, even with roommates, if you have a visitor coming who will be staying a day or two, you need to discuss ahead of time and be sure all are OK with that. You don't just decide and then inform.

 

Other things like you liking to go out. If she tells you that you should and she is happy with that, then you do need to accept her at her word and not create a different reality in your head.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like you have some personal issues that are at the heart of a lot of your arguments and her being constantly upset. Maybe talk to a counselor and work on yourself at becoming more considerate and better at compromising and negotiating what you need. That will actually avoid conflict.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you lived together? Did the troubles begin/increase after moving in together? Is it your place, her place or did you both lease a place?

 

I'm guessing it's your place and you feel you should call the shots and you think she's just household scenery? Does she contribute financially or in other ways?

 

It's understandable that she's upset that you are inviting house guests with zero partnership or consideration. You are creating a catch-22 situation by announcing your decisions to her and thus she gets upset that you treat her in this secondary and disrespectful manner.

 

Go out for your alone time. She's not "hurting you" because you both picked a tiny place. Don't date students 9 yrs your junior, if you don't want someone unemployed who studies from home.

I am 31 and my gf is 22and live together. Today's argument was because I arranged a friend to visit our apartment for a weekend and I didn't tell my gf when I arranged it with him. I don't tell her things often because I'm worried about her reaction to things and I don't want to start an argument. She is studying from home, doesn't have a job and rarely leaves the house. I never get any alone time in the apartment because she doesn't go out. Our apartment is very small. I never get any time to just be myself with myself and it really hurts me.