mtexas25 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I am 31 and my bf is 29, we have been together for almost 4 years now. To say that we have been through a lot is an understatement. My bf has repeatedly cheated on me. He used an app and met a countless number of women. I didn't know of the cheating until a 1 1/2 into the relationship. I was devastated. But for some reason I still wanted to be with him. I don't understand it myself. After the first incident that I'm aware of, he of course promised to never do it again. Then it happened again, and months later, again. I don't know why I am not strong enough to leave. I question myself everyday. Maybe I'm scared? Maybe because all my friends are married, engaged, having kids, that I think if we break up I will be alone. Maybe all the above? I don't know, and I don't know the solution. Anyways, besides the cheating, he is a very cold and heartless person when he is mad. The other day I noticed that he was following a very provocative looking girl on instagram, who is local. Now I understand guys look around, but because of my past with him and the promises he has made to me, I told him I felt uncomfortable with this, especially with everything we've been through. He said he only followed her and liked the pictures that had guns in them, because that's what he's interested in. Then he got really defensive, left the room, and started calling me every name in the book. He made this comment about how he'd hit me, and I told him if he ever did, I'd tell a guy friend who'd beat him back. I said it because I was angry and teasing him in a way. However, because I said that, he is not speaking to me. It's been 2 days. He's heartless towards me now, and says the only way to fix this relationship is if I get that guy to fight him, because he wants me to back up my words. I think it's ridiculous and obviously I'm never going to allow that to happen. But he's saying the only way to move on, is to make that happen. I have no idea why he's being so cold and hateful. Apparently I hurt his ego. I'm not sure what his point in dragging this out is. To hurt me? to humiliate me? Either way, I feel like in a loving relationship, two people shouldn't treat each other in such a hateful way. I don't know why he's like that. It truly hurts me. Anyways, despite the fact that he's cheated, lied, and who knows what to me, I'm so angry that he is even angry with me for retaliating to his words. I feel like he's trying to get revenge for the times I've been angry with him for cheating, and for the reasons why he doesn't have that much privacy anymore (i.e. he doesn't have a FB (that I know of), changed his personal number, no other apps except Instagram (again that I know of). Anyways, anyone with some wisdom of words would be appreciated. I know I'll be judged for putting this all out there, but I truly want to be happy and in a good relationship with someone and I'm willing to hear advice now, even if it's something that I don't want to hear. I'm hoping someone will tell me something that will make this click for me. Thank you.
twentysix Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I don't really think that there's much to say other than WHY would you stay with someone that has repeatedly cheated on you? I understand that you feel like the clock is ticking and there's a lot of pressure when all your friends are getting engaged or married and starting families, but do you not think about how you may regret staying with this person in the long run? The amount of hurt he's caused you, the name calling, the threatening... do you want to live with that for the rest of your life? He cheated a month and a half in and it's now 4 years later and it doesn't seem like he's changed much! Cut this one loose, I say. I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you, and I'm sure what I said above is not what you want to hear, but he doesn't sound good enough for you!!
angrythoughts Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 You know what we're all gonna say. He's 29 but sounds like he's actually 13. He's immature and disrespects you time and time again. The longer you stay with him the weaker you'll get. I understand your friends getting into engagements and marriages puts pressure on you to do the same, but would you really want the rest of your life being spent with a guy who cheats on you all the time? Know your self worth. Please please PLEASE leave him. ASAP!
03222019 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I'm not one of those people who will call you a fool because love blinds up and does make us foolish. But this man sounds horrible, what are you getting from being in this relationship? A guy who cheats on your, threatens to hit you, calls you names?!? Get rid my love, all my friends are having babies and getting married and it's not nice when you have to start again like I have had to after two years with a guy I loved but lied to me about drug use. You will not get a happy and healthy relationship with this man. Ever. There is someone out there for you who will treat you better but you have to be strong enough to put yourself first and leave this toxic relationship. You will have a better life without him, being with someone toxic brings us down, we don't realise as it can be a slow process but they are no good. You are important, put yourself first! Look after yourself and I hope you have the strength to do the right thing x
jujusamples Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I think you posted this already knowing what everyone is going to say! Your relationship sounds abusive! There are red flags left right and center. Believe it or not but giving someone the silent treatment is a form of abuse. I really did not know that until I went to therapy. Let's not say it's straight up abusive but it is definitely a sign that the person COULD get abusive. He also sounds very controlling, as in it's his way or the highway. As soon as you show any signs that you are sticking up for yourself and not putting up with his crap, he will make you pay for it. That's where the silent treatment becomes an emotional abuse. He uses it torture you because he knows it will get to you. I could go on writing a novel about how unhealthy your relationship is. It's best if you get out of it, not to mention the cheating! It should only take 1 time for you to leave. Just like if he were to ever hit you, it should only take 1 time time for you to leave. Stop giving him chances and making excuses for his poor behavior, leave him! Why do you want a relationship with someone whom has NO respect for you? It's just going to go in a downward spiral and it will affect you mentally in the long run. If you are hoping things will change, I could tell you based on what I read, it won't! It's only going to get worst. It's hard I know to leave, but you really need to love yourself before others could. If you love yourself, you will not let someone treat you this way. Just saying!
Matt3939 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Who cares if everyone else is in a relationship kids or marriage. I rather be alone then ever deal with some of the stuff you mentioned and I am. You would be a lot better off without this guy. Good luck
Clio Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I don't know why I am not strong enough to leave. I question myself everyday. Maybe I'm scared? Maybe because all my friends are married, engaged, having kids, that I think if we break up I will be alone. Maybe all the above? I don't know, and I don't know the solution. Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. Read again the stories that you wrote here. That is how your WHOLE life will look like if you stay in this relationship. How is this any better than being alone? How come you feel that this is all you deserve? And how do you ever bring kids into that equation?? It would be a crime. If you are interested in ever having kids, then you OWE it to them to break up with this guy. It sounds like this guy’s behaviours felt somehow very familiar to you or you wouldn’t have stayed on. Were you brought up in an abusive environment? Did either of your parents abuse, abandoned or neglected you? If yes, then this is your inner child stuck in reliving the past trying in vain to “fix”/rewrite it. If relevant and feasible, you need to seek professional help to deal with your past traumas and escape this vicious cycle. Our real goal in life is to become the best possible version we can be and to be HAPPY. This guy is not adding any value in your life. Being alone is NOT worse than what you described. Marriage and kids are not accomplishments. A HAPPY marriage and HAPPY kids is the real accomplishment and this guy is NOT going to contribute to any of these. At this point, you need to sober up. You are not a victim here. You stopped being a victim the minute you decided to stay onboard knowing about the lies, cheating and abuse. You are making informed choices. Whatever happens to your life is ON you. This guy is a tool for sure but YOU are the one who is allowing him to destroy your future. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can heal your wounds and create space for good things and people to enter your life. The solution is to break up, seek professional help, surround yourself with trusted friends and family, seek new experiences, learn new things, volunteer in helping others, set personal goals etc. In a nutshell, focus on building a life you are proud of. Good luck!
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Sorry to say but this entire description is from a victim and martyr standpoint. He cheats, he threatens to hit you but you stand by him, etc. Is this a LDR? What do you mean his IG friend "is local"? Have you ever met in person? Unless this is an S and M arrangement with all the bravado about your friends beating him up, he needs to fight them blahblahblah, then your are simply in a crazy relationship. But you seem to enjoy the drama and martyrdom.I am 31 and my bf is 29 following a very provocative looking girl on instagram, who is local. He made this comment about how he'd hit me the only way to fix this relationship is if I get that guy to fight him To hurt me? to humiliate me? despite the fact that he's cheated, lied
Unreasonable Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 If you feel like your "clock is ticking," then the absolute LAST thing you should do is waste any more time with this guy!
mtexas25 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Posted February 11, 2017 Thank you all for your comments. As of today, he is still not speaking to me. I tried calling him like I normally do after work to see what he wanted to do for dinner. He never answered any of my phone calls. He stayed at work late. When he showed up to the house, he went straight into another room to work out. I had bought us dinner and asked if he wanted some. He said no, and proceeded to just eat some nuts. He refused to eat the food I bought. He took his nuts and whatever else he grabbed from the pantry and went into the bedroom to eat, instead of sitting next to me on the couch. To say I was hurt was an understatement. So I have packed up all my belongings and tomorrow I will be looking for an apartment. He doesn't even seem phased.
mtexas25 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Posted February 11, 2017 I wanted to say again, thank you for your comments. I read them over and over to keep giving me the strength to finally leave.
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