So much hurt on her that I can't pull the trigger.

[Adviceplz1987]

Where to even begin... First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and (hopefully) respond.

 

My life has been a pretty big mess with my current girlfriend. We've had our ups and downs and near break ups over the past year we've been together, but I just can't stand staying with her at all anymore. I'll try and keep it short and just cut to the chase because I think it may seem pretty obvious I let my self worth fly out the window and I need to let her go because of what she did to me, but I hope you can understand why it's hard (otherwise I wouldn't have posted).

A few months back, I was less than decent with my current girlfriend. We had our issues, hashed them out and stayed together. She said she would be better if I were better and I took her word for it. In comes the problem at hand. A few weeks later, she starts talking to this guy. No big deal honestly at that point. She can have male friends. Problem was, she was purposefully trying to make me jealous. I'm not a jealous guy at all, but she would constantly text him while I was trying to have alone time with her. She had also said that she would cuddle up with him on occasion. And if that wasn't enough to know, she said she was upset that I wasn't "as jealous as I should be." I know she was just trying to get under my skin, but why should I allow that behavior?

 

Go forward a few weeks later and she finds out that he's about to become homeless. She said that we have to bring him in. I was reluctant at first but after she pressed the issue, I caved in, for a week. The closer that week came to an end, she began pressing the issue again, trying to make me feel guilty if I did toss him out on the streets. So he ended up staying longer than I wanted because of that.

 

It's been a few weeks since he's been gone now and she's glad he is. The issues she had with me are gone and she said she's glad I'm the person she wanted me to be. Problem is, she hasn't worked on her issues at all. To top it off, I'm questioning myself as to why I dealt with her toying with my emotions. So the time came to confront her about it and (probably) break it off a few days ago. As soon as she comes home (before I can say or do anything), she's more upset than I've ever seen her. Come to find during his time there, he had raped her. My first reaction was to comfort her and say I'm sorry for what he's done to you. I'm not sure what to do here. I can't stand being in this relationship anymore but I know even if I support her, her world will be destroyed if I leave her.

 

I would just like some opinions or advice. Thank you for your time.

[angrythoughts]

Wow that an extremely tough situation. Is she telling the truth? She said she was cuddling with him and even let him stay in the house. Why would she allow that if he's raped her?

 

Did you show signs that you were going to break up with her?

[Adviceplz1987]

I believe she is telling the truth. He had made an advance on her that cross the line and she had told me about it. We talked amongst each other and him and drew lines in the sand. I have no reason to not trust her if she can come forward with something like that.

He hadn't raped her until he was living in the house for those few weeks. I don't think she would allow him to be there had it happened prior to him being there.

 

There have been signs. In fact, it came up while he had been living there. She said that I hadn't tried hard enough for her to do her part and that I was giving up before even trying to be a better person towards her. She had guilted me to stay at that point and about a month later, she had finally said that I have in fact did better and kept my promise.

[gebaird]

I can't stand being in this relationship anymore

 

This seems to be your truth. Although it's a no-win scenario, staying with someone you have come to hate seems like an awful choice.

 

Does she have family, friends and/or a counselor that can help her through this after you are gone?

[Adviceplz1987]

Her family lives out in Alabama (we're in Pennsylvania) and she doesn't have many friends. The ones she does have live far away (at least an hour+ drive). She does not have a counselor and not much money to afford one.

 

When it comes to me and my disgust for the relationship, like I had said, she hasn't worked on what she said she would. She lashes out if I say something wrong, blaming me for her own feelings. I don't mean ill by my words, they just sometimes come out wrong and phrased in a way that hurts her. When I apologize and correct myself, she doesn't accept it and takes the initial statement to heart. Her anxiety makes her not do normal adult priorities and I end up having to take the helm with many things. Calling her meds in, signing up for insurance, taking care of taxes/bills, etc. And honestly, I'm ready to start a life. Work on the house, have kids/family and she had voiced she isn't. I'm just slowing my own ambitions down staying in this relationship. So it's not just the whole "Forcing me to be jealous" issue.

 

I just feel for her and am guilt ridden to leave her to her own devices that may or may not shut her down. I hadn't really felt strongly about hurting her like this until I found out she was raped. I was ready to break it off until she dropped this bomb.

[gebaird]

I just feel for her and am guilt ridden to leave her to her own devices that may or may not shut her down. I hadn't really felt strongly about hurting her like this until I found out she was raped. I was ready to break it off until she dropped this bomb.

 

I guess you need to decide if you want a relationship or a humanitarian project. If you stay, you'll be doing it out of pity. She may (as anyone would) believe you are fully committed to the relationship, when what you are really doing is counting the minutes until you feel you can leave. Seems a bit deceptive, no? Even a little bit awful, though your intentions might be good.

 

I get that you don't want to hurt her. Perhaps you even want to help her, but is living a lie really the best way to do that?

 

You have to live with your choice, and I would never advocate deliberately hurting someone. I just think you need to step back a bit and look at the long-term implications of the decision you are making. What you are thinking is the right thing may not actually be the right thing.

[Adviceplz1987]

You're right, and I know your are, but it IS living with my decision that I think is bringing me down. To have that much happen to her and stack that on top. It's a lot for someone to deal with. But at the same time, I just can't lead her on to believe that my intentions on this relationship are pure. I'm scared of what she may or may not do to herself (suicidal intentions), what she will be able to do on her own (I know she can't afford her own place), and how available her help can be. In the end, I know she has to be an adult and take care of what life gives her in her own way, but not knowing how that will go down is what has me freaked out so much.

[mike7788]

End it.

 

Rape is a terrible burden and I don't wish it on anyone. My ex had been sexually abused and it was tough for her, as well for me as some things would just set her emotions off..resulting in me having to be her therapist.

 

First of all is this a ploy to keep you on? The same way a woman will say she's pregnant so her boyfriend doesn't leave her could be happening here. ESPECIALLY after the judge of character you just described.

 

Saying a girl is lying about rape is a slipper slope so let's drop that and say it doesn't matter for the moment.

 

Your girlfriend was texting a new guy, in front of you, told you she was cuddling with him, invested in this man emotionally, and then invites him into your home?

 

 

I'm sorry, but NO CHANCE is that acceptable relationship behaviour and you're 100% correct to want to end it.

 

This is the behavior of an extremely self-conscious/immature individual and I would NOT condone staying with her.

 

If you stay with her out of pity, on top of being with someone who you don't want to be with, if the rape scenario is in fact true, you will now have to add being her therapist on top of boyfriend.

 

There is no situation where you come out of this ahead.

 

You need to end it, and look after yourself before you get pulled into a very slippery, dark situation,