Finally got closure from my ex but still unsure of my decision/feelings?

[mgsportsfan252]

Hi I have posted here more than a few times on some different aspects of a BU with a co-worker. Here are the cliff notes and then I will get to my newest mental obstacle.

 

-Dated 5 months

-She ended it (in October) claiming she needed space/confused about her feelings for me

-She also gave me the "let's be friends" speech but I declined

-A week or so before I found out of my dad's cancer diagnosis

-She sent one breadcrumb text that I foolishly replied to

-Other attempts of her reaching out to me I ignored

-I myself didn't reach out or initiate any contact outside of saying hello at the office

 

Recent few weeks

-Dad was in hospital for cancer

-She reaches out saying "she is always here for me, etc" I just politely thank her

-Dad passes away (Jan 20)

-She attends the wake and crying (she never met him) and I tried to calm her down and make her laugh a little

-A day or two after I thank her for coming to the wake, she suggests catching up and I say sure but don't expect her to really mean it

-A week later she texts saying "let me know if/when you want to meet" I don't reply

- Next morning she sends a couple more texts essentially saying "no pressure just really want to see you/catch up"

- I respond asking for her intentions and she says I am a great guy and would like to remain friends

- I tell her thank you for attending the wake and offering support but I've been clear on the let's be friends thing. I wasn't upset at her or how it ended, but it doesn't work when you weren't friends beforehand (in our case we weren't). And when someone asks me to give them space, I have to take their word that's what they really want from me. If later down the line you want to try again, feel free to reach out. I wish you nothing but the best (that's what I wrote to her).

 

A couple of people said I should have met up with her to then see if her feelings of rekindling might spark or come up. But the majority of people all agreed that I shouldn't meet up with her if I don't want to be friends with her.

 

I know I did what was best for me and her actions were well intended but I feel like I'm unsure of my decision.

 

However, if I wrote down the pros and cons of being with her as either a friend or even dating her again, I am pretty sure the cons would outweigh the pros. I even wrote them down to help

 

Pros

-Got along really well

-Had similar sense of humor

-She was caring/compassionate

-We had similar interests but also different interests as well

-I found her attractive (even though in the cons I mention one thing about her appearance that was a con)

 

Cons

-We only went to bars, the movies or just hung out at our places

-She was overweight (it didn't bother me when we dated, but still there were times it was off putting)

-She didn't have many friends. I only met 3-4 friends the entire time we dated. She had some other work friends that I met as well, but they are all friends due to proximity more than anything

-She would want me to sleep over 2-3 times a week. It was fun but probably not the best thing for our relationship development

-She may have lied to me about her age. She said she was 23 but then she popped up on tinder as 25 (this was after the breakup)?

-I let myself go in terms of diet and exercise. We went out to eat and to bars a lot after work and I started to focus less on my gym/diet routine.

-I'm also usually not a big drinker, but when we dated I was drinking (not getting drunk all the time) a few days a week

-She would try and get me to do things she liked such as arts/crafts but then never follow through with it

-As I mentioned she didn't have many friends, but she kept showing me people on Instagram who were her "friends" and what they were doing. Her best friend used to joke she had 3 friends and one of them was her mom. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but it may have been true

 

Even more, during the time my dad was sick she never once checked in to see how I was doing or how he was. She did send the usual check in text a week or so after the BU but I kept it short and reminded her I will give her space. But when I had to witness my Dad basically go from 250 lb strong man into a 180 bed ridden man she was nowhere to be seen or heard. And I get the news of the passing probably sparked feelings of guilt in her to want to be there for me but I know if he was still alive she wouldn't have reached out to me at all about the "let's be friends" thing

 

I know I am doing the right thing for myself in not being friends with her (right now writing this out has kind of helped to be honest). And some of my friends who met her/knew her says she is trying to be nice/compassionate but usually when someone says they want to be friends, it's usually for selfish reasons or for their own gain. I know if she started dating someone else she would probably stop talking to me for the most part.

 

We had a good connection but I still have feelings for her and probably always will in a way and know I can't be friends with her. I have a lot of friends that are girls but I never dated them or even had the thought/want to date them.

 

I guess the point of this post is to ask, I got the "closure" I wanted yet how come I feel unsure of it? Why do I keep thinking that things will change even though I know they won't and if they did, I would probably just end up hurting myself more in the long run?

 

Anyone else going through something similar? Any advice or feedback would help.

[gebaird]

It sounds like your head is at war with your heart. Not uncommon when you are hurting after a breakup. The only real closure is the closure you give yourself when you decide to move on and stop questioning the decision.

 

I like your pros & cons list. It helps to make things more concrete, so you can look past your pain and be objective.

 

The bottom line is she hurt you and will probably keep doing it if you allow her to. Since she keeps reaching out, you need to set that boundary by blocking her.

[Hollyj]

So sorry for your loss.

 

You handled it well. For the long-term you are not compatible. Most importantly, she was not there in you most difficult time. Not what a friend does.

 

Time to be done,

[mgsportsfan252]

It sounds like your head is at war with your heart. Not uncommon when you are hurting after a breakup. The only real closure is the closure you give yourself when you decide to move on and stop questioning the decision.

 

I like your pros & cons list. It helps to make things more concrete, so you can look past your pain and be objective.

 

The bottom line is she hurt you and will probably keep doing it if you allow her to. Since she keeps reaching out, you need to set that boundary by blocking her.

 

I guess you are right with the whole heart vs. head. Overall I am happy with how I have handled myself since the BU and kept to my word that I would give her space and not contact her. The only mistake I made was responding to her first breadcrumb text, other than that though I have remained strong.

 

I have even gone on dates with 3 different women during this time. None of them lead to anything but it did help rebuild my self confidence and let me know I am an attractive guy who can get good looking girls (all 3 I dated would be considered more attractive than her). One didn't feel a spark, the other I didn't feel a spark and the third sort of fizzled out by the time we got to the 3rd date.

 

I think the death of my dad also hasn't helped in terms of dealing with it. I sort have used the BU and seeing her everyday at the office as a way to distract me from what I need to really focus on.

 

But I at least got her intentions and did what I think is best for me in this situation, just like she did when she ended the relationship back in October.

[DancingFool]

Seems like what you are experiencing is a bit like buyer's/seller's remorse. Despite that twinge of what if and should or shouldn't have, you know you made the right decision.

Your cons list is pretty dang long and honestly doesn't sound like you are missing anything with her. If she doesn't have many friends then all she is doing with you is attention seeking. Even showing up at the funeral and bawling her eyes out like that was less about you and more attention seeking. She wasn't comforting you in your loss, you were comforting her crocodile tears when she never even knew the man. You may be attracted to her, but....you've dodged a bullet with this one. Keep on moving on.

 

Also, maybe time to start dating again? At least dip your toe in that direction.....

[mgsportsfan252]

So sorry for your loss.

 

You handled it well. For the long-term you are not compatible. Most importantly, she was not there in you most difficult time. Not what a friend does.

 

Time to be done,

 

Exactly, and I did appreciate her sending condolences but found the whole showing up at the wake and crying a bit much. Again, I am sure she didn't use it for attention or anything but find it hurtful she tried to bring up the "let's be friends" thing even though she already knew my stance and what state I am in mentally.

[mgsportsfan252]

Sorry forgot to add this. Not sure if this will come off as me being petty/immature/etc.

 

She still follows me on Instagram and Snapchat and still views/likes my stuff (and usually pretty quickly which I found odd). I don't follow her on any social media and haven't since the night we broke up. Should I remove her from seeing my posts? I honestly don't post much and don't think much of it like I used when she would like my stuff.

 

I just want to at least make things amicable since we do work in the same office.

[mgsportsfan252]

 

Also, maybe time to start dating again? At least dip your toe in that direction.....

 

After your post I did mention I went on a few dates but nothing panned out. I was talking to one girl I was setting up a date with when the whole issue with my dad came up. I told her I wasn't ready at the time to meet up and needed process what had happened. She was very understanding and said to take my time and reach out when I felt ready. And through the past couple of weeks I am starting to feel better and it might be a good idea to reach out to her again and see if she is still interested.

 

While I am sad my dad passed, I also have to keep on moving and live the life he wanted me to live. I learned through this that while it is tough, the world doesn't stop for you and you need to keep moving on.

[reinventmyself]

Sorry forgot to add this. Not sure if this will come off as me being petty/immature/etc.

 

She still follows me on Instagram and Snapchat and still views/likes my stuff (and usually pretty quickly which I found odd). I don't follow her on any social media and haven't since the night we broke up. Should I remove her from seeing my posts? I honestly don't post much and don't think much of it like I used when she would like my stuff.

 

I just want to at least make things amicable since we do work in the same office.

 

I check ex's stuff. It means absolutely nothing. Just morbid curiosity I guess. I look because it's there.

It's interesting how many people want to give this more meaning than it will ever warrant.

[mgsportsfan252]

I check ex's stuff. It means absolutely nothing. Just morbid curiosity I guess.

It's interesting how many people want to give this more meaning than it will ever warrants.

I know it means nothing since she said she just wants to be friends. I just find it odd behavior and something that none of my other exes have done before. Usually we just unfollow and go our separate ways amicably

[reinventmyself]

I know it means nothing since she said she just wants to be friends. I just find it odd behavior and something that none of my other exes have done before. Usually we just unfollow and go our separate ways amicably

 

I also have the capacity to an ex's friends. Especially if I am the one that ended it.

 

She is just that much further ahead of you in coming to terms with her feelings about you and the relationship.

Therefore she can comfortably friend zone you and be ok with that.

 

You, on the other hand are not there yet. And that is a very legitimate place to be, in light of things.

 

You may never want to be her friend. There isn't a one size fits all for this situation.

 

Just honor your feelings and put them first and do what feels right for you

[mgsportsfan252]

I also have the capacity to an ex's friends. Especially if I am the one that ended it.

 

She is just that much further ahead of you in coming to terms with her feelings about you and the relationship.

Therefore she can comfortably friend zone you and be ok with that.

 

You, on the other hand are not there yet. And that is a very legitimate place to be, in light of things.

 

You may never want to be her friend. There isn't a one size fits all for this situation.

 

Just honor your feelings and put them first and do what feels right for you

 

Well we weren't friends before the relationship. She told a friend of mine she thought I as cute and he set us up. I don't think I could ever be a friend with her there isn't a friendship that doesn't associate with our romantic relationship.

 

I get that it is easier for the dumper to move on and try and insist on this, but when the other says no they should respect that. She hasn't.

 

And most of the time they do it more because they:

1. feel guilty about breaking up and that makes them feel better

2. they need that person while they start looking for the next guy

3. they want you there as a back up plan in case it doesn't work out

 

I am almost certain that if we did become "friends" she would drop contact with me as soon as she met someone else.

 

Sorry if I sound angry or bitter, not trying to be. I know from past experience it doesn't work if you weren't friends before and even then it takes time. For us it's only been 5 months and we weren't friends before.

 

And again, she said she wanted space and was confused about her feelings (AKA "it's not you it's me" which I understand means she isn't into me or met someone else. I think it was the first but could be wrong). How does becoming friends help with that since that was her reason for ending things? It would just complicate things right?

[reinventmyself]

And most of the time they do it more because they:

1. feel guilty about breaking up and that makes them feel better

2. they need that person while they start looking for the next guy

3. they want you there as a back up plan in case it doesn't work out

 

I am almost certain that if we did become "friends" she would drop contact with me as soon as she met someone else.

 

Sorry if I sound angry or bitter, not trying to be. I. How does becoming friends help with that since that was her reason for ending things? It would just complicate things right?

 

It's ok to be angry and bitter! Breakups don't exactly bring out the best in us.

 

Dumpers rarely dump impulsively. They've been contemplating it for some time before they actually act on it. Therefore they have had the chance to process things long before you were even aware. That's what trips the dumpee up. Why arent' they feeling bad too?

 

I've been the dumper and wanted to stay friends.

Honestly, if I ask myself why, it's two reasons. It alleviates my guilt somewhat, after all I am wanting their friendship and not banishing them completely from my life. . and/or there are things I genuinely like about them. And though we aren't going to be forever after, I'd like the benefit of having those things available to me if possible. It's a win/win for me. Not necessarily for them.

 

It's also a readjustment for me. Though I no longer want a romantic relationship with that person I have become accustomed to their presence. Going cold turkey isn't a cake walk. . .even for the dumper. But holding onto someone you no longer want just to ease your own transition is selfish.

 

Bottom line. You are no longer a unit. You do not need to consider her comfort whatsoever when deciding whether or not you can be her friend.

 

It's usually after some time and distance and the feelings have subsided that two people can sometimes come back together and redefine their relationship as a friendship, only. It doesn't work when one party still has lingering disappointment and feelings.

 

Be kind to yourself and do what ever necessary to get through today.