Why is dating so bizarrely easy for some people?

[lovingthefall]

I’ve been single for quite a long time and while I’m mostly fine with it, I’ve recently started to wonder what makes it so easy for some people to date and find a partner, while others, like me, stay single for much longer.

 

I randomly ran into an acquaintance yesterday, who I haven’t seen for years because his addictions and self-centeredness made him quite difficult to spend time with.

 

This guy has been a drug user for 15+ years, hasn’t worked a job since his teens, lives off welfare and handouts from family, cheated on his ex wife multiple times, and regularly uses people to get what he wants.

 

I recently heard through mutual acquaintances that his wife had left him, and that he was borrowing money from everyone he could, to buy furniture etc for the new apartment that his family are renting for him.

 

I also heard that he’s been dating a lot and has a couple of new girlfriends that he’s been seen with, and when I ran into him he showed me photos and told me about them and they’re all gorgeous, successful women.

 

I know a few other guys, too, that are average-looking, shy, alcoholic, drug-using guys in their late 30s, with little to no financial stability, and yet never seem to spend more than a couple of months single.

 

I, on the other hand, am a stable, healthy, successful guy, that’s always had loads of attention from the opposite sex and has no addictions or destructive personality traits that I'm aware of, and yet I’ve been single for years.

 

I meet literally hundreds of smart, beautiful, successful women in my life and many of them are attracted to me, flirt, ask me out for lunch etc, but they’re always either married or otherwise involved.

 

I've also had people leave anonymous notes on my desk saying they think I’m hot, and other colleagues emailing and IM’ing me at work to flirt, and yet I’ve only met one single woman in the past few years and she was crazy.

 

Before Christmas, one of these woman that I work with even confided in me that she's getting cold feet about her upcoming wedding and said to me "but if a guy like you ever proposed to me, I wouldn't be worrying".

 

I then met a relationship counselor at a party, and after chatting all evening she said that she’s never met a guy that’s more in tune with what it takes to make a relationship work and that if every guy were like me, she’d be out of a job.

 

How is that people like the one I saw recently can have so much success, while people like me that that seem to have far less red flags on their record don’t?

 

I even tried online dating late last year and got zero responses, and I've seen the same situation with several women, as well as men, that I've known.

 

In the past I’ve known amazing, smart, gorgeous, successful women that just could not find a guy for years, no matter how hard they tried. This was while I wasn’t single, though…they’re all in relationships now.

 

Have any of you seen this happen in your own lives, or the lives of people you know? And, if you have, what were your thoughts on why it happens?

[Ms Darcy]

The comparison game is almost always fruitless. I'm better than this guy - so why does HE get women?

 

Nah. The reality is that you don't know what they have to offer - but it's obviously something. As for YOU, I would strongly suggest to guys that, if you are not having much luck in the dating world, consider two things. One, are you relying on online dating only? If so, no wonder you have little success. Guys who get out in real life and ask women out tend to get better at that and actually get dates eventually. Two, you might need to think about if you are "punching above your weight" in terms of seeking women who simply have no interest in your type. I know that's a controversial thing to say, but hey - it can be a reality.

[gebaird]

I think being able to date easily and being able to have a successful long-term relationship are two different things. The drug abusing d-bag you described in the beginning is probably attracting but not keeping the "gorgeous successful women" you described. If he's somehow keeping them, it's probably because they've got serious issues that aren't apparent from looking at their pictures. Or because he's a great liar. I wouldn't exactly call that relationship success.

 

There are a lot of people who go from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship. You, on the other hand, have standards. The toxic magnetism that attracts broken people to each other isn't a factor for you, and trust me -- you aren't missing as much as you might be thinking.

 

I used to think similar thoughts about business leaders I've personally known. It seems like a lot of clueless people with big egos rise to the top. True or not, I'm sure as hell not going to compromise my values in order to achieve supposed success. I'll keep plodding along, being kind and good and productive, and hoping for the best.

 

The dating world can be difficult to navigate, but it's better to take your time -- even if it means being single for a while -- than to say yes to anyone with a pulse.

[J Miracle]

I have a family member that was in the same boat. Didn't have a girlfriend for a decade, but women were Into him. Hes smart, successful, attractive, really a good guy. He eventually found a girlfriend from OLD. However I think he was single for a long time because he wasn't really putting in Much effort to pursue new women. I think he kinda just took what came to him, and limited his options. Thats my theory.

[lovingthefall]

Ms Darcy

True, but comparisons can also help, as understanding one person’s relative success in an area can help another person to see where they may be lacking.

 

As for opportunities other than online, as I said I meet hundreds of women…just none that are single. Many aren’t forthcoming about having a guy, but it eventually comes out.

 

And no, I’m not punching above my weight. It’s not the attention-getting that’s my problem (other than that brief time online)…it’s meeting women that are single. Literally everyone I meet is involved.

 

gebaird

Absolutely right. I’d certainly rather be single and have a healthy, happy life, than grab onto the first relationship and be another unhappy married person (I'm sure there any many happily married people...I just haven't met many).

 

J Miracle

Yeah, I guess I don’t make a huge amount of effort, but neither did 99% of the married people that I know. They just happened to meet their partner through work, friends etc.

 

That’s not an excuse on my part though. Just another example of how it works very organically for some people and not so much for others.

[SooSad33]

I, on the other hand, am a stable, healthy, successful guy, that’s always had loads of attention from the opposite sex and has no addictions or destructive personality traits that I'm aware of, and yet I’ve been single for years

- this is probably why....

 

I guess you're not in Canada, eh? lol

 

You have a lot going for you.. but you sound much like me... being more.. 'selective'. When many other's are that much more 'unstable' and going for anything that will take them on... you think?

They don't have high 'values'-- thus all relationships are dead ends... and nor are they, themselves, 'stable'.

 

If you've got ppl hitting on you at work... and a gal getting married and is so 'impressed' with you... how could you get no responses on dating sites? lol

 

IMO re: dating sites? I've heard the success rates are very low! Under 25% success.. wow, eh

I've been there.. over 4-5 yrs.. have since backed off.. no interest. And I've come to see that there's much difficulty from both sides.

I often see guys even saying things like " Sane women pls".. etc.

 

I guess there are MANY out there who are NOT stable...

 

What I have also said a few times is.. as we get older, it is much more challenging, as these people have been thru a lot by this time in our lives... so... yes, many negatives hanging over us. ( and lets add a few more negative experiences with dating sites.. as so many are just out to use & abuse.. ugh!).

 

So- then you have to take into account that they are all in their own phases of life. it's like.. 'this is my life, can you handle it'? Most often.. No.

 

A LOT to consider with online dating. Yup, many use.. many run.. many are damaged.. on it goes.

 

 

Good luck there

 

**, Oh, and my own experiences?

- One guy stuck around 5 mos.. then disapeared.

- one guy tried to use me.. last less than 4 mos... he was an alcy. ( already have an alcy ex thnx).

- one guy kept me around.. for whenever he was available.. like every 3 weeks..

- One guy was mentally ill... was short term.. but left a big impact... not good!

Met a few more for coffee... nothing progressed there.

--- this is over 4-5 years.

 

I am exhausted emotionally.. trying to stay sane, mentally. Oh.. joys.

 

** **

[SooSad33]

I think being able to date easily and being able to have a successful long-term relationship are two different things. The drug abusing d-bag you described in the beginning is probably attracting but not keeping the "gorgeous successful women" you described. If he's somehow keeping them, it's probably because they've got serious issues that aren't apparent from looking at their pictures. Or because he's a great liar. I wouldn't exactly call that relationship success.

 

There are a lot of people who go from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship. You, on the other hand, have standards. The toxic magnetism that attracts broken people to each other isn't a factor for you, and trust me -- you aren't missing as much as you might be thinking.

 

I used to think similar thoughts about business leaders I've personally known. It seems like a lot of clueless people with big egos rise to the top. True or not, I'm sure as hell not going to compromise my values in order to achieve supposed success. I'll keep plodding along, being kind and good and productive, and hoping for the best.

 

The dating world can be difficult to navigate, but it's better to take your time -- even if it means being single for a while -- than to say yes to anyone with a pulse.

 

So true!

I know a guy or 3, like that. They jump into something with anyone close enough and who'll give them the attention.. and one after another.

I can't do that.. I'd find that overwhelming. ( going from one to another- within a cpl weeks?). One guy had probably half a dozen women in the last year... nasty

 

I only met up with 2 last year.. then admitted I was done with this kind of 'search'. Won't let myself get pulled down that way. And Im not a 'player'.. like so many others. Sad, really.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, I guess I don’t make a huge amount of effort, but neither did 99% of the married people that I know. They just happened to meet their partner through work, friends etc.

 

That’s not an excuse on my part though. Just another example of how it works very organically for some people and not so much for others.

 

Well, this was really my point. Some things are "fast" for some and not for others. It is what it is. I had to put in a ton of work in the dating world and my husband didn't. But we're both married - see what I mean? In the end, it doesn't matter.

[reinventmyself]

So true!

I know a guy or 3, like that. They jump into something with anyone close enough and who'll give them the attention.. and one after another.

I can't do that.. I'd find that overwhelming. ( going from one to another- within a cpl weeks?). One guy had probably half a dozen women in the last year... nasty

 

I only met up with 2 last year.. then admitted I was done with this kind of 'search'. Won't let myself get pulled down that way. And Im not a 'player'.. like so many others. Sad, really.

 

This is a great point. I know people who flit from one to another and others wonder what their magic tonic is. There is nothing mysterious about it. If you look closely, their standards are typically low and they can't tolerate being alone. So often times, anything that is breathing will do. I wouldn't call that success.

[SooSad33]

This is a great point. I know people who flit from one to another and others wonder what their magic tonic is. There is nothing mysterious about it. If you look closely, their standards are typically low and they can't tolerate being alone. So often times, anything that is breathing will do. I wouldn't call that success.

 

Yeah, and wouldn't this kind of thing cause one to be more 'emotionally unavailable'?

And I heard it can wear you thin.... I'd think so.

 

Cause really.. how much can one take? They're really not 'trying' to get to know you.. there must be something wrong going on.

 

I can't see my kids doing this sort of thing.. nor my brother's, that I'm aware of.

[J Miracle]

What do you consider "successful" dating? I went out with a girl for about a month, maybe 5 dates or so. We had sex, had some good times together, she displayed some mixed signals, and I broke it off. I considered it a success, cause I have open ended expectations. Others may have taken it as a failure. What exactly do you want?

[Mari]

Ms Darcy

True, but comparisons can also help, as understanding one person’s relative success in an area can help another person to see where they may be lacking.

 

As for opportunities other than online, as I said I meet hundreds of women…just none that are single. Many aren’t forthcoming about having a guy, but it eventually comes out.

 

And no, I’m not punching above my weight. It’s not the attention-getting that’s my problem (other than that brief time online)…it’s meeting women that are single. Literally everyone I meet is involved.

 

 

Your comparison may be failing here. The other guy may not have a problem being with someone who isn't single. It could be that every girl he has been with was initially taken. I'm not saying that's what you should do but that when you compare his life to yours it may be what he's willing to do and of course the people in your circle.

[mbee]

What do you consider "successful" dating? I went out with a girl for about a month, maybe 5 dates or so. We had sex, had some good times together, she displayed some mixed signals, and I broke it off. I considered it a success, cause I have open ended expectations. Others may have taken it as a failure. What exactly do you want?

 

This is a good point. What do you define as successful? My last long-term serious relationship ended 4 years ago. I'd say I'm pretty attractive, kind, sweet, independent and have lots to offer a guy. I have 0 issues getting dates with successful, attractive, kind-hearted guys. I've been out with a guy for 5 times before realizing it wasn't going anywhere. My last boyfriend lasted 5 months, which is pretty short by my standards, but we did have something real even if it was brief by my standards.

 

So yeah maybe I've been unsuccessful because I haven't been in a real long term relationship in 4 years, but by my opinion, I've been pretty successful. I'm putting myself out there, going on fun dates, meeting great people and just looking for the right guy who wants to stick it out with me on this amazing adventure of life. Sure, I haven't met him yet, but at least I'm giving it a solid effort and am meeting some cool people on the way. So yeah what are your expectations? What are you ideally trying to find in the next 1-2 years of your dating life?

[SoulTaker]

I also heard that he’s been dating a lot and has a couple of new girlfriends that he’s been seen with, and when I ran into him he showed me photos and told me about them and they’re all gorgeous, successful women.

 

I know a few other guys, too, that are average-looking, shy, alcoholic, drug-using guys in their late 30s, with little to no financial stability, and yet never seem to spend more than a couple of months single.

 

I, on the other hand, am a stable, healthy, successful guy, that’s always had loads of attention from the opposite sex and has no addictions or destructive personality traits that I'm aware of, and yet I’ve been single for years.

 

To answer your question, it is because these types of guys have "it".... It might be their charm, looks, wit, out-going personality,.... They have something that women are attractive to. Of course, their flaws are hidden until the women get to know them better.

 

And even when the women get hit with these flaws, some of them will stick around hoping that they will be the one to "fix him".

[Zippy2000]

You just have to think about what YOU are attracted to. Its all about "basic instinct". Everyone in their mind has a "type" or what they are atteacted to. Its in our genes.

 

For example I like curvy women I prefer brunettes. In fact all my girlfriends have been brunettes. So its all about attraction. It doesnt matter if they dont have money or drug users. It someone finds their genetic profile of attractionthen thats why some couples dont "look" right. Its all to do with what we call as chemistry.

[notalady]

Without reading responses, I think some possible reasons for you not dating for a long time - possibly you're more selective. You know exactly what you want and you only want that (ie will not settle for "just anyone"). Also, you might not be putting yourself in enough social situations where you can meet like minded singles. The other possibility, the type of women you're looking for aren't attracted to you (ie you don't have what they need / want), do you often get rejected by women you're interested in? If so this could be it, if not, its probably more likely to be the other reasons.

 

The type of women you want are not dating the guys you described (druggies, broke, no job, drama, whatever). Conversely, the women that are attracted to these types of guys, are not the ones that are attracted to guys like you. And believe me, there are plenty of emotionally unhealthy, low self-esteem people out there who are only attracted to other emotionally unhealthy individuals. It won't be a problem for these people to meet each other and become attracted.

 

For example, some women like a fixer upper project, a man they can rescue. Some women "date down" because they fear rejection and they think these guys are safe because they won't reject them. Some women only date guys who play games and reject them, because they are used to being rejected and having to "win over" men's approval. Some women love drama. Some women love the intense attention, the hot pursuit some of these guys might give them.

 

Point is, you are only seeing the superficial stuff, like looks and "success", you don't know what's going on on the inside. So there's really no point comparing. Better to focus on what you can do to better your chances of finding what you're looking for.

[Sportster2005]

Simple. Sex appeal. Some men and women have too much of it. They can be the biggest losers in the world, but if they have sex appeal, they will always have mates. Testosterone and estrogen, there's your answer.

 

It's real easy to say wonderful nice things to people when it's risk free. People obviously like you. You're probably a great guy. Women are bound to say nice things to you. But the reality is, it's easy to say. They don't or won't ever have to put their money where there mouth is.

 

There's a world between being a good catch and being sexy. And the sad of fact of life is, sexy often wins. We are driven by it, or the species doesn't succeed.

 

You can do something about your sex appeal. It's hard to find good resources on it. Every wannabee playa wants to sell you their DVD for $39.99. And although I think there is some truth to their materials, it's also dramatically oversimplified and glorified. The short of it is, attitude and confidence. It comes more naturally to some. But it can be improved.

[lovingthefall]

Thanks for the great feedback everyone. I guess my main problem is that I have high, but not unreasonable, standards, and that I need to expand and improve my social circle and life.

 

What do you consider "successful" dating?

 

Great point. I just realised that I’m looking at anyone that has any kind of current dating-life as being successful, when that’s actually ridiculous. I guess I’m just feeling bummed out about not meeting any single people lately. Pretty dumb!

 

Your comparison may be failing here. The other guy may not have a problem being with someone who isn't single

 

Another great point. I actually have turned down a few opportunities in recent years, with women that I was super attracted to, as they would’ve involved me potentially devastating some other guy’s life.

 

What are you ideally trying to find in the next 1-2 years of your dating life?

 

You know what…I actually have no idea. I’m going to need to think about that.

 

Possibly you're more selective. Also, you might not be putting yourself in enough social situations. The other possibility, the type of women you're looking for aren't attracted to you

 

Selective? Yes, absolutely. Not in an unrealistic way, but I’d rather enjoy being single than be with someone that I’m not completely into. As for the social thing, yes my social life mainly revolves around work stuff recently, due to everyone I know raising young kids at the moment. And no, the women I’m attracted to are almost always attracted to me too. I’ve thankfully always been quite lucky like that.

 

You can do something about your sex appeal

 

Thanks for the advice and tip, but I don’t have a problem there. For the most part, the only time that women I’m attracted to haven’t been attracted to me is when I tried online dating, and obviously there I can only give a very limited snapshot of who I am. Regardless, it was still quite demoralizing to get so much attention in real life and then hop online and hear crickets. Very good for snapping the ol' ego into line though