CandyKins Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship, 2 years onwards. Controlling i.e. not staying out with friends late at night, where am I, what time I will home etc. It feels he wants to keep constant tabs on my every move and I have felt anxious and stressed knowing how he would react and his misunderstandings, despite openly doing FaceTime. His controlling behaviour isn't severe like on what clothes I wear, food I eat. He doesn't criticise me or make me feel unworthy. I am a firm believer if you feel and know you are right then you voice your feelings and concerns in an appropriate manner. Not in through hostility or get into ping pong conversations. In the past I would engage in ping pong conversations, I would give it a day or two max then call on another number. My phone call me would be for a different matter, then he would bring the situation (controlling behaviour) up. I discussed how how it makes me feel, uncomfortable that I can't even go out with my friend even though I do FaceTime for his peace of mind and what does it tell you that you that you can contact me anytime. He appreciates my communication and we leave it on that. This time it's different. Last night I told him I was going out with my friend for dinner. My friend arrives later due to issues at her household, he got so abrasive telling me to go home now, resulting him blocking me. Even worse he blocked all the other contacts, i.e. The other number I would use if he blocked me. We don't use social media. I have no reason contacting him now. I will not submit to him and will never contact him unless he contacts. I have no ego in this, I know he has gone a step too far. I am overall happy with him, he's very good to me but this controlling behaviour is becoming out of hand. I have done the right thing remaining calm,non argumentative and have the approach to deal with this as a couple, not one sidedly internalising blame. Thoughts and advice?
j.man Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 What does "he's good to me" mean? Financially? Because emotionally he sounds on par with a 14 year old.
Seraphim Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Actually breaking up is a GREAT thing. I know you are emotionally attached to him but he's not great overall . His control issues are severe.
leseine7 Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 At first, when reading the first paragraph of this post, I was tempted to write that I think in certain circumstances, it's okay to humour your boyfriends' need for "Tabs" throughout the day if it doesn't get too out of control. I don't actually mind that my boyfriend likes to also hear everything I'm up to. That being said, he definitely does not demand it of me and he does not tell me what to do. He may make clear if he doesn't like something or is uncomfortable, but he will never control. I used to get uncomfortable with his constant curiosity until I realized it is harmless and he just wants an inside scoop. I'm saying this because on one hand, I think that we all have to adapt to our partners' needs to an extent, even if we feel uncomfortable. But what you went on to describe is really unhealthy, on both parts. What are ping pong conversations? Why do you have to resort to calling with another number - I'm assuming that happens when he refuses to answer your number? And all-out blocking is just emotional warfare this day and age, haha. I would take that as a sign that things are done and probably send one message on whatever platform unblocked to say "Okay this is clearly a toxic relationship for us both and I take your blocking me as a sign you no longer care to work on this relationship with me. All the best in the future." And probably leave it at that. But if you do something like this, you can't go back on it, so know you want it if you do. Regardless, I do think you need to assess what the benefit in staying in this relationship is. It seems extremely unhealthy and you are wasting your time in these childish fights.
SooSad33 Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Wow.... Think about all of this.. seriously! Is this how you want your life to be? Another year down the road.. or 5??? Come on... some proper RESPECT is required in a relationship. And communication. He does have issue's, I see that. he is 'lacking' in a number of ways. Do NOT let him control you anymore. Your best bet is to get out of it. Work on getting yourself back.. and your life back on track. If you don't, his 'ways' will continue to affect you in some brutal ways--- bringing you down mentally and emotionally. ( damage) and that you do not need or want! You want someone in your life who KNOWS proper ways of communication and respects you. Someone who is actually loving, caring and understand that you do have a life outside the relationship... and accepts that. Always best to pick up on red flags and act. Get out of this... walk and keep walking. He is NOT worth your sanity.. agree?
ParisPaulette Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 And it's going to get worse, as long as you stay. You need to look up the term "Cycle of Abuse" and that's why there those good times, that somehow always seem to dissolve into a pile of ship when his need to control and become abusive becomes greater than his need to treat you right, so you don't go. He has an addiction to control and potential yes that can lead to an addiction or taste for violence of one sort or another whether emotionally or physically. As with all addictions a person needs more and more of their "drug of choice" as time goes on. This is why you are seeing him escalate and he will continue to escalate no matter what you do, as long as you stay. And he will justify it all to himself yes even if he physically hurts you. And the longer you stay the more beaten down you'll become, the more you come to accept this as normal. Please for everything you hold dear do not have children with this man. Just don't even do that to a child, you as a grown adult at least have a choice to walk away and get yourself to safety. A child doesn't and I'm tired of headlines detailing how more children died at the hands of an abusive partner. So don't. Call this hotline, talk to someone about an exit strategy, and go. This will only get worse, never better no matter what he says. And yes, 16 years of working in a woman's clinic and shelter I have come to the conclusion that the need to abuse someone no matter if it's physical or emotional or verbal is an addiction, one the abuser neither wants or can control. A few therapy sessions won't fix this guy, neither will false promises of "I'll never do it again" when you are both in the honeymoon phase of that cycle after you tell him you're going and he tries to win you back. It's time to admit this is getting worse and you need to leave and not look back.
reinventmyself Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Outside of his insane need to know where you are at all times and control your comings and goings, if you don't do exactly as he pleases there is a punishment involved. He is training and conditioning you and it's almost working. This is just the beginning. You point out his good points. Well, everyone has good qualities and so do abusers. In this case this guy punishes you and then honeymoons you when the conflict is over and it further reinforces the cycle of abuse and attachment. Be glad you aren't married to this guy. Once he realizes walking away isn't just an automatic option or you and your only way to be done with him to drag him into court and divorce him, the abuse escalates. Trust me when I tell you that more you challenge these control tactics the more he'll escalate them. It just gets worse from here. Why does he do it? A variety of reasons that are much bigger than you. Only a therapist can help this guy with his volatile insecurities. Get out. . get yourself into counseling and figure out what attracted you to this guy in the first place.
CandyKins Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 I didn't mean financially. He has been good as a person and to our relationship. Everything else is good and I am happy apart from this, as you rightly put it 14 year old behaviour.
CandyKins Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 I agree a certain degree checking up on you if fine. I.e. "What time are you likely to be home?" "Don't stay out too late That is different opposed to "go home now, I don't like this" along with vermin texts Ping pong conversations meaning you keep texting and it goes nowhere. Other number because it's only resort to communication. He's even blocked that now and I'm sorry I have enough dignity and respect not asking my friend or a stranger if I can use their phone! I like to think he is being childish as you rightly say and wait until he comes to me, unblocked me and talk first. The moment I come to him he will not take me seriously and in future this will get worse. If he doesn't after a couple weeks I will have to move on.
MissCanuck Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Your relationship sounds awful. Seriously. It's not normal to try to control another adult like this. When you have to invent other numbers to contact your own boyfriend because he won't respond to you otherwise, you know you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Let him go and stay gone. This isn't healthy, OP. If this is your idea of a happy relationship, you very much need to rethink your definition of love. This isn't it. Something to consider is that it's not unusual for people who play warden to their partners like this to be the ones behaving badly themselves. It would be interesting to know what he is getting up to when he cuts off contact. I bet there are a few things you don't know about him.
Doc Blaze Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 ] "he got so abrasive telling me to go home now, resulting him blocking me. Even worse he blocked all the other contacts, i.e. The other number I would use if he blocked me." I don't know one person close to me who would put up with this.
abitbroken Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I am overall happy with him, he's very good to me but this controlling behaviour is becoming out of hand. I have done the right thing remaining calm,non argumentative and have the approach to deal with this as a couple, not one sidedly internalising blame. Thoughts and advice? How can you be happy with a man that has zero respect for you? Are you his property. My guy will say things like " call me when you get home so i know you got home okay" if i am driving at night or will be out late unless i am driving to my parents house - they would obviously call him if I didn't arrive asking if i was with him. Or i ask him when he plans to be back so therefore i can know to wait to eat dinner or go ahead and eat. Those are caring things. What he is doing is abusive!!
abitbroken Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 If he blocks you, like he has, don't contact him again. Controling people turn into physically abusive people. One day he'll physically block you from leaving you house/apartment.
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 Wait, he blocks you so often that you need a backup number? worse he blocked all the other contacts, i.e. The other number I would use if he blocked me.
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