In love with my ex? I have a girlfriend at work

[5am0ht]

Okay this is confusing and debilitating...

 

I am 35 years old, I was with my ex for 4 and a half years, we were (and still) the best of friends. We did everything together including travelling the world. She was heavily dependent on me, doesn't have a lot of friends, and struggles to make new ones. Towards the end of our relationship we had stopped being intimate, but still so close. During this time I developed a close relationship with a girl I work with, but didn't go further - until I left my ex. It was a hard decision at the time, and it felt right at the time. I continued to see the girl from work and occasionally text my ex to see if she was okay. She moved in with a work friend, I moved into share accommodation where I still am. Things were going well but always thought about my ex and worried if I made the right decision or not. 8 months past, and I received some strange messages from her, totally out of character. She was in a psychotic episode, would talk about strange plans to take over the world etc. She did not sleep, stayed up all night writing weird notes and painting - I called for help and she was admitted to hospital. She was diagnosed with manic depression, and stayed in hospital for over a month, even spent her 30th birthday in hospital. I visited her everyday and was in touch with the nurse. I felt so responsible for contributing to her sadness, and it still gets to me. During that stage I was off and on with the girl from work because I was so worried and sad about what happened, and realised she was not doing okay. Since then she has left hospital and started working again, going about her life, but still very lonely. I am currently seeing the girl from work, but constantly think about my ex, wishing I was there with her and reassure everything will be okay. At the same time I enjoy the company from the girl at work. Whenever there is a social occasion that includes partners I get anxious, such as weddings, holidays, Christmas - because I am still emotionally attached to my ex, therefore I have trouble fully committing to the current relationship. During this time I have become distant with my close friends and family because I am so burdened about what's going on. I am currently seeing a counsellor which is helping control my thoughts, but not helping the situation. I fear if I leave my current girlfriend my work situation will suffer as I will miss her and I don't think I will handle it. Leaving work is not really an option,as I love my job, and I have been there for a while. When I think of my future, i think its with my ex, but I am confused because I really enjoy my time with the girl from work, and I can see this working too. This issue has really affected my life and I cry almost everyday. Sorry for the long message but I really need help.

[Clio]

You and your ex did not work out despite being together for almost half a decade. This indicates that you are not compatible and this hasn't changed based on what you wrote. If you really care about her, you need to stop stringing her along to soothe your own guilt/insecurity. Her psychotic episode was not your fault. People break up all the time. However, it is very selfish to hang on to her like that given that you now know her fragile condition. You are in no position to handle her problems and you need to focus on resolving your own. Therapy is a good step towards that so you are on the right track. You cannot have both girls and based on what you wrote, you don't have what it takes to make it work with your ex or the other girl would not be in the picture. You need to let go of your ex completely.

 

Either focus on fostering a healthy relationship with your current girlfriend or stay single until you figure out your own life. Your future is not with your ex. Emotional attachment does not equal love, just habit and your actions and second thoughts indicate that it's habit mixed with guilt that is keeping you attached to your ex, not real love. At your current state, it's best that you take a step back from relationships to clear your head. Stringing along your ex in her condition is selfish and is keeping you both stuck. You need to make a clean choice and stick to it. From an uninvolved outsider's point of view, your current girlfriend or none appear the most healthy options for everyone involved.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are in a caretaker role and over-attached. She needs a psychiatrist and therapist to closely monitor and help her through things. You are not responsible for her going off her meds catapulting her into a manic episode. That is extremely common.

 

As for the coworker, there just seems to be a bland connection and chemistry there regardless of your ex. Try not to use either of these women for excitement, to fill your need to be needed or as a security blanket.

 

Why did you break up with the ex? Was it the untreated mood disorder symptoms? Do you think the coworkers is sort of a rebound?

 

Can you simply explain to the coworker that it's not working out and you are not in the frame of mind for a relationship?

She was diagnosed with manic depression, and stayed in hospital for over a month, even spent her 30th birthday in hospital. I am still emotionally attached to my ex, therefore I have trouble fully committing to the current relationship. I fear if I leave my current girlfriend my work situation will suffer as I will miss her and I don't think I will handle it.