Don't know how to solve this. BF threw a strop because I haven't moved out yet

[Pretzel]

I don't think anyone, no matter who, will be able to help you improve family dysfunction, your finances or living independently. It's a matter of being honest that you are very enmeshed with them, they don't want you dating or going out or having sex or having a bf. And that culturally you are expected to live at home, remain a virgin, etc. until a marriage is arranged.

 

It's not quite that bad. They aren't into arranged marriages or anything. I just have a very controlling mother. There are expectations on me to do things a certain way but I am living by my own values and learning to set boundaries with them. That will become easier after moving out.

 

I'll give you an example. Not long ago, I was out on date, I leave my phone in my bag on silent. One time, I saw it light up in my bag, and watched out the corner of my eye while it rang 5 times in a row with no breaks. 5 minutes later as it played on my mind and wanted it to stop, i called her back and asked what is so urgent. It was something about the dog, which she could have easily texted me about. Or asked me tomorrow. My mum is just nutty. I do love her but her constant smothering and questions and that is what make our relationship dysfunctional. She has no concept of boundaries. None. My therapist is helping me put those boundaries in place and forcing her to respect them, otherwise not giving in.

 

As you said, it may just be a lost cause.

[abitbroken]

I'm frustrated about this because there are plenty of things about him i don't like, but I respect his choice to do it. Should i tell him this by way of example? I dislike that he smokes and he has no idea that I dislike it. I've never voiced my opinion. I dislike that he doesn't do any exercise. I dislike how he manages his work (no breaks, lunch at the desk, working on weekends). But would i lecture him about this stuff? No! I don't think it's in my place to do so.

 

Maybe because my relationship with my ex before was so bad, with this guy, as he is actually super great, i let a lot of this stuff slide and respect boundaries, and i expect him to be equally accepting of me, and hope that we can accept each other. So it has hurt and has felt insulting that he hasn't. Despite his apologies yesterday and efforts to smooth things over, it's been playing on my mind still, a little bit.

 

The trouble with this is that you are too accepting. There is one thing to try to run someone's life and its totally another to have an opinion. If he doesn't have a good balance in is life - doesn't exercise, works through lunch - you could always ask him if he wants to go on a bike ride with you because its something you would enjoy and see for yourself if its just at work where he has no balance or if the relationship continues he is going to have no balance once he gets home as well. As far as the smoking, you have absolutely full reign to tell him that you don't like smoke in you car, and going forward, you won't allow it. You can have an opinion and voice it if he is smoking in your face or HAS to light up at the dinner table, etc. Not to lecture him - but for your own health. you need to also think long term. Would you really be okay about it if you were to marry a smoker? Probably not. its not about telling him what to do - but seeing if all these negatives add up to him not being for you.

 

I don't think anyone, no matter who, will be able to help you improve family dysfunction, your finances or living independently. It's a matter of being honest that you are very enmeshed with them, they don't want you dating or going out or having sex or having a bf. And that culturally you are expected to live at home, remain a virgin, etc. until a marriage is arranged.

 

If you have your own place, I don't think this is the case. When I lived with my parents, they would be concerned about me if I didn't come home, etc. When you move out - some things will stay the same, but some will change drastically. It is a growth process that can't come to fruition until you come into your own and are totally independent of them. I was divorced when I moved back in so they obviously weren't protecting my virginity, but knew that I might still be vulnerable from the abuse I endured so were very concerned about me moving too quickly with someone new, and DID ease up when I met someone that took the time to introduce himself and they knew he was a good, emotionally stable guy who was respectful of them and his own family. Keep in mind that after being with a very controlling man, they could just be overwatchful of you as well.

[abitbroken]

She has no concept of boundaries. None. My therapist is helping me put those boundaries in place and forcing her to respect them, otherwise not giving in.

 

As you said, it may just be a lost cause.

 

And you pick men that have shaky boundaries. Either they are controling, or they guilt you into almost believing healthy things are not healthy.

[Pretzel]

Thanks.... there may be a correlation there, not that I am consciously going for 'controlling' types but my ex certainly was, and looking back on it I just think he was horrendous. My therapist thought theres a connection there with my mum being controlling, but who knows. I know I would never get with a guy who is anything like my ex again, that's for sure. The more time goes by, the more i shudder at the thought of him!

 

This current guy, he makes his opinions strongly known to me but he'd never struck me as controlling before, more just opinionated. I actually always liked and respect that he has opinions and voices them. But there's a fine line in that potentially come across as pressuring, and i'm just feeling that for the first time from this argument. The difference between me and him is that i won't express my opinions on how he does things unless it's something i am seriously affected by. So i never felt i could say anything about the things i don't like. With the smoking, he's super considerate, when we are somewhere out together always asks first if I mind if he lights up, and in his own flat, he only ever smokes on the terrace, even if its freezing out. When he visits me art studio he goes downstairs to smoke outside. Would never smoke in the car. The only issue I have with it, is purely just that i would prefer to date someone who took take of themselves more and was healthier. I didn't want to tell him this because i thought it might make him feel insecure (especially with respect to the exercise remark, as it suggests things about his physique), and I just figured it's part of his package. I also dislike his tattoo. But my attitude is just: it is what it is. I don't think there's any point in relying someone can change. I had thought he felt the same way and had adopted the same philosophy. But the frustrations he has aired recently suggest otherwise.

[Ms Darcy]

Pretzel,

 

You guys are incompatible. You were incompatible the last time this issue came up, you are incompatible now, and you will be incompatible when it comes up again.

 

You are trying to fix incompatibility. And in denial that you can't. Your lifestyles and relationship needs are diametrically opposed.

[Pretzel]

Pretzel,

 

You guys are incompatible. You were incompatible the last time this issue came up, you are incompatible now, and you will be incompatible when it comes up again.

 

You are trying to fix incompatibility. And in denial that you can't. Your lifestyles and relationship needs are diametrically opposed.

 

Hm I don't really see it as an incompatibility, just a difference in circumstances. We get along like a house on fire, it's just the circumstances that make this particular need difficult to fulfil.

We see each other often and get along fantastically and have shared interests & wonderful chemistry. I don't want my problems i'm seeking advice for to mean that I am going to have to dump him. If that was what my intentions were, i wouldn't be seeking advice. I am just seeking clarity and objective views on any disagreements. We have a tonne of plans together for the near future and i'm not going to give up just over things that come up here and there (so long as he's still wants to try and he has strongly indicated that he has) so I'd prefer to work through problems, and give it a chance.

[Krankor]

Pretzel, I'm going to do a 180 here. I read your post originally, read a few sentences that screamed "controlling" to me, and launched into action. However, I read this again and realized that looking at the total picture it's unfair to label this guy as a controlling abuser. Perfect boyfriend? No, but controlling abuser is a bit much at this point.

 

It's of course silly to put a number on this, but I will anyway; in this disagreement, you were about 80% correct. So yes, 80 beats 20: you win. But if you want this to work you also need to acknowledge and deal with his 20.

 

The way he handled things that night was poor: it was childish and overbearing. But where his 20 comes into play is that for him to feel some measure of disappointment and frustration when March suddenly became May is understandable.

 

I think you just did a poor job of managing expectations. Ultimately it's your call of course, but living with your parents IS having a negative effect on your relationship, and therefore on his life. This was part of the deal when you got together, but I imagine with the caveat that it was a temporary situation. When you told him you were moving out in March, while you didn't look at it as some sort of deal or promise to him, you gave him a light at the end of the tunnel that he began to count on. Then one night laying there you nonchalantly and in passing pushed that light back two months, and he reacted poorly...

 

The part I dislike the most about his reaction is demanding to know details of your finances. That strikes me as controlling. But in the context of his childish tirade, I see it as "justify to me why you are disappointing me" rather than "give me this information because I'm controlling and entitled to it."

 

The text you sent him the next day was pretty self-righteous. Again, he was wrong in how he behaved and in not understanding that you had your reasons. But, again, he has his 20 that you didn't at all acknowledge. After all, you DID on some level let him down. There needed to be some sort of "Look, I know I disappointed you. I had my reasons, but I get that my living at home is less than ideal for our relationship. Ultimately, I have to do what's best for my life, but I do understand your frustration..." You don't need to apologize, just acknowledge his side. Your text was all "I'm completely right, you're completely wrong, it's all about me, and that's that."

 

You may have gotten a better response that way...

[Batya33]

You'd prefer he take care of himself better by not smoking. He prefers you take care of your growth, yourself, better by living independently of parents who treat you like a child. I think the way he went about it was jerky though. I lived with my parents until I was 28. They were great- not controlling in the least- I was in grad school. I cannot tell you what a huge difference it made for my growth and independence to live on my own - would never have imagined.

[Pretzel]

Thanks guys, I really value your advice and input.

 

We had a big talk today. I have been hot and cold towards him since our argument on Wednesday. Not intentionally. I would just get these random feelings of insecurity in the relationship - as things are always a little shaky after a fight. I mean i didn't let this show, i would just have moments where I'd be subdued because these thoughts would preoccupy me, and he would ask me 'are we ok?' in the last few days. And I'd say yes.

Until............this morning. We were texting about making some plans and i was in an off mood about the same thing. He asked me again, and this time I just had it all out and said I was worried about a few things. We had this long back and forth. He lost his patience with me a little, because he was unable to fully grasp my anxieties and what they were about exactly and he thought i was playing games by not being clearer. We were both frustrating each other. I made the classic cliche mistake of having an argument over whatsapp. Bad idea. BAD idea. I should know this by now!!!! And then i realised, if anything is a deal breaker, it's not me living at home. It's me and my sometimes inability to get a grip and drag on arguments. I realised this from when he said 'you've been stoking fights a few times lately and it's making me unhappy. either stop doing it or stop seeing me'. Of course, him snapping in that way that didn't go down very well with me at all. And I said I won't cooperate with that kind of language, don't give me an ultimatum, recognise it takes two to tango and either work with me to do things differently, jointly, together, or you stop seeing me. And he accepted & agreed to meet me half way.

His wish he asked from me was to tell him more clearly what makes me unhappy and what he can do about it and be direct. I said I would try. My wish to him was to show more empathy & listen more when i am upset rather than trivialise. He said he would try as well. We both agreed on this together and said he 'would love for us to work' - more reassuring language. Then we met up, went for a walk, talked about it, and I stressed that he shouldn't make threats to the relationship because it's not healthy language to move forwards with. He agreed. Then we went for Sunday lunch with friends and all was well.

 

I really want this to work....argh. Let's see. We never ever argued not once in the first 3 months (starting dating in Sept/Oct), there wasn't even the slightest sign of it. It's only been like this since Xmas theres been like 3 or 4 'incidents'. I feel like now i understand what it means when the honeymoon period fades and things are brought to reality a bit.

 

I can do only do what I said I would try to do and the same for him and see what happens.

 

I am considering even explaining to my parents that i have a boyfriend and try to suss out if they'd be cool with me staying over on some nights even before i move out of home- not in one big sudden confession, but maybe just ease my parents into the idea slowly, let them meet him etc. first and spend more and more time with him to their knowledge and then see how they react.

 

Sorry for the long post and going slightly off topic. Just needed to vent.

 

Thanks all you lovely folks for giving me perspective on this one.

[Ms Darcy]

>> you've been stoking fights a few times lately and it's making me unhappy. either stop doing it or stop seeing me.

 

This stuck out to me. Although one may not agree with what he says, this is a real sign of what's in his heart.

 

While YOU may feel things are going great, he may have soon growing resentments.

[Pretzel]

I'm sure that is true, it sounded exactly like he was growing resentments and of course i was upset about that and that's why i asked him what he truly wants. Because a statement like that that doesn't fill me with great reassurance and confidence in the relationship. He wrote back 'I like you. A lot. You know that. But please let me know what i can do to stop this from happening and please help me do that.' I explained that was a more healthy way of framing discontent. Anyway, later that night when we were together in person he admitted that 'we were both not good to each other' during that argument.

[Batya33]

I think a lot of this would improve if you changed your living situation because you need independence from your parents, to be in your own space, to have responsibilities that go with that and then I think you'd have a lot of a healthier perspective of how to communicate and deal with anxieties and insecurities -it really is that life changing when you're choosing to live like a child (in your case especially, given your parents' way of dealing with you) and shift to living like an adult.

[No1]

He doesnt want to date a 27yr old who lives with her parents. Its not that difficult to understand.

 

Its a difference in beliefs.

 

If you dont want to move out, then dont move out. If you do want to move out, then do it for you, not because your BF tells you to. Now on the other side, your BF will have to decide if waiting for you to move out is okay or not according to his beliefs. If you told him May is your date, then he can choose, if he wants to be with you, then he accepts that May is it and shuts up. If he doesnt like May, then he can take a hike.

[Krankor]

I'm sure that is true, it sounded exactly like he was growing resentments and of course i was upset about that and that's why i asked him what he truly wants. Because a statement like that that doesn't fill me with great reassurance and confidence in the relationship. He wrote back 'I like you. A lot. You know that. But please let me know what i can do to stop this from happening and please help me do that.' I explained that was a more healthy way of framing discontent. Anyway, later that night when we were together in person he admitted that 'we were both not good to each other' during that argument.

 

I disagree that this was a healthier way of "framing discontent." He's essentially shouldering the responsibility for your bad behavior. It is YOUR responsibility to curtail fight provoking on your behalf.

 

People shouldn't threaten the relationship every time they don't like whay their partner is doing, either. But what sometines comes off as an ultimatum is actually a genuine warning: "if this continues, I'm not sure I can continue this relationship." That may well be an honest statement--and most people can only be on eggshells for so long--whereas holding a proverbial gun to the relationship's head in an effort to get what you want from your partner is manipulative.

 

It IS useful for you to let him know if there are ways he can help you feel less conflicty (it's a word now because I just made it one) but he shouldn't have to essentially take the blame for your behavior.

[abitbroken]

Did I read correctly that your parents do not know that you even have a boyfriend?

[Pretzel]

Did I read correctly that your parents do not know that you even have a boyfriend?

 

That's right.

 

I told my mother for the first time last night though! I feel so relieved to get it out. But I just told her so far that he exists, just easing her into the idea. Not any details or how long we've been dating etc. But I feel I've opened Pandora's box now, so she'll no doubt start to have a lot of questions....

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Not that parents need the details of your personal life, but since you live at home and they don't approve of dating or premarital sex, it's fine just just say you're "seeing someone", right?

 

Silly to drive home at 3 am with your bra in your purse like a naughty teen and expect a grown man to tolerate this. The issue was your parents and your refusal to introduce him. You must address this teen like dating behavior at 27 yrs. old and even if/when you get your own place at least stop living a lie that you are this virginal little girl who never dates men.

 

At least when you are bf/gf respect the guy enough to eventually introduce him to family.

I told my mother for the first time last night though! I feel so relieved to get it out. But I just told her so far that he exists, just easing her into the idea. Not any details or how long we've been dating etc. But I feel I've opened Pandora's box now, so she'll no doubt start to have a lot of questions....

[abitbroken]

That's right.

 

I told my mother for the first time last night though! I feel so relieved to get it out. But I just told her so far that he exists, just easing her into the idea. Not any details or how long we've been dating etc. But I feel I've opened Pandora's box now, so she'll no doubt start to have a lot of questions....

 

Quite frankly, half the reason for your mom's behavior on calling you with inane questions could be that she is worried about you. She doesn't know if you are in a gutter somewhere. Moms think that way.

 

Also, the next step SHOULD be - unless you decide to ditch him - is to INTRODUCE them, you have your boyfriend impress mom by picking you up for a proper date and returning you home! It doesn't have to be a big introduction, just "hello, I'm (name)". When I introduced my guy to my parents - it was a quick walk in to pick me up, i introduced him, my guy knew a little bit about the neighborhood so asked a small talk question and there was something in common that I told my parents and guy about so it was just five minutes of nice small talk and then we left. My parents STOPPED the phone calls, stopped trolling through town wondering where i was etc. Because they saw he didn't look like an axe murderer. There was no sit down family dinner - it was more like when you see shows from the 50s where the guy picks the girl up for the date.

 

So cut your mom a little slack. And if you respect her like this, she might dish it back.

[abitbroken]

That's right.

 

I told my mother for the first time last night though! I feel so relieved to get it out. But I just told her so far that he exists, just easing her into the idea. Not any details or how long we've been dating etc. But I feel I've opened Pandora's box now, so she'll no doubt start to have a lot of questions....

 

That's okay! As much as you don't think so, she does love you and some questions - expressing interest and care are important.

[evad1]

How long have you been dating this guy? You guys have a lot of issues. Sounds like a compatibility issue. You're posting too often about this guy lol. I imagine the relationship is hardly going smoothly.

[evad1]

Between him being kind of controlling, and your overthinking something has got to give.

[Pretzel]

Thank you so much for the encouragement regarding talking to my mother about this!! I was so scared to tell her, she's the most difficult woman I know. But I really hope it goes well from here forwards and there are no 'meet the fockers' moments for him if and when they meet - assuming we continue dating despite recent hiccups.

 

I know i have posted a few times about this guy- I just don't want to screw anything up he's good to me in lots of ways that i haven't mentioned perhaps so i don't want to be unfair to him. He did majorly annoy me during this particular dispute but i think we have worked things out. This particular issue probably our biggest dispute. We may well turn out to be incompatible but i guess time will tell.... If I haven't moved out by May then maybe you'll find me in the break up forum who knows

[evad1]

Thank you so much for the encouragement regarding talking to my mother about this!! I was so scared to tell her, she's the most difficult woman I know. But I really hope it goes well from here forwards and there are no 'meet the fockers' moments for him if and when they meet - assuming we continue dating despite recent hiccups.

 

I know i have posted a few times about this guy- I just don't want to screw anything up he's good to me in lots of ways that i haven't mentioned perhaps so i don't want to be unfair to him. He did majorly annoy me during this particular dispute but i think we have worked things out. This particular issue probably our biggest dispute. We may well turn out to be incompatible but i guess time will tell.... If I haven't moved out by May then maybe you'll find me in the break up forum who knows

 

lol I like your attitude. Exactly, who knows we'll see how things go. Hopefully you guys had a good Valentine's Day at least.

[Krankor]

I'm 40 and temporarily living at home while I recover from surgery; the stairs at my house were just too much. My girlfriend comes to my parent's house and is welcomed, although it's a little awkward for me personally. Weird situation; I feel like I'm in high school again.

[Wiseman2]

Weird situation; I feel like I'm in high school again.

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