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Would you girls be upset or is it just me?


mandeelove

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Well . . .try to not get stuck on principle that you lose sight of what you are after. Isn't it an overall feeling like he isn't making the effort?

Him not driving your way shows a lack of effort but him inviting you to join him house hunting seems to me his is. At least in this instance.

Especially in light of the fact that you did want to go.

 

What's done is done. Don't second guess yourself by my comment.

Keep us posted about whether he comes your way tonight.

If he's smart, he will.

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It continued where he made other suggestions for tonight but requires me to drive there. So i directly said come and get me OR stay near me once u come. I was met by an answer of "we'll hang out some other time and he was "too tired" since he had a busy day. So i said ..seems like u moved back home now living closer to me and im met with same excuses. So he blamed that on his backwards situation living with his folks... So i said not really- u always never drove to me. Even now living closer....

 

So this is where Im at. Figured Id post about it. He cancelled the whole plan for tonight just bcuz he dont want to pick me up. Totally lazy...And to top it off he diverted things by asking what place I want to go to for Valentines day. ????? I feel pretty down about the whole thing bcuz at my age I never thought I'd have to deal with something so stupid. I had better boyfriends as a teenager.

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It continued where he made other suggestions for tonight but requires me to drive there. So i directly said come and get me OR stay near me once u come. I was met by an answer of "we'll hang out some other time and he was "too tired" since he had a busy day. So i said ..seems like u moved back home now living closer to me and im met with same excuses. So he blamed that on his backwards situation living with his folks... So i said not really- u always never drove to me. Even now living closer....

 

So this is where Im at. Figured Id post about it. He cancelled the whole plan for tonight just bcuz he dont want to pick me up. Totally lazy...And to top it off he diverted things by asking what place I want to go to for Valentines day. ????? I feel pretty down about the whole thing bcuz at my age I never thought I'd have to deal with something so stupid. I had better boyfriends as a teenager.

 

If he isn't willing to drive to see you it means he doesn't want to see you that much. You are just a convenience. Have you read he's just not that into you?

 

If you really liked someone, would you ever refuse to see them because you had to drive?

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If he isn't willing to drive to see you it means he doesn't want to see you that much. You are just a convenience. Have you read he's just not that into you?

 

If you really liked someone, would you ever refuse to see them because you had to drive?

I understand that but he's always asking to see me .. i used to drive everyday so the part I dont get is if he wasnt into me he would not want to see me...period. he is always wanting to see me and call me.

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I understand that but he's always asking to see me .. i used to drive everyday so the part I dont get is if he wasnt into me he would not want to see me...period. he is always wanting to see me and call me.

But he doesn't want to see you. He's not seeing you today. He only will agree to see you if you do all the work, otherwise he doesn't want to see you.

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It continued where he made other suggestions for tonight but requires me to drive there. So i directly said come and get me OR stay near me once u come. I was met by an answer of "we'll hang out some other time and he was "too tired" since he had a busy day. So i said ..seems like u moved back home now living closer to me and im met with same excuses. So he blamed that on his backwards situation living with his folks... So i said not really- u always never drove to me. Even now living closer....

 

So this is where Im at. Figured Id post about it. He cancelled the whole plan for tonight just bcuz he dont want to pick me up. Totally lazy...And to top it off he diverted things by asking what place I want to go to for Valentines day. ????? I feel pretty down about the whole thing bcuz at my age I never thought I'd have to deal with something so stupid. I had better boyfriends as a teenager.

 

He's proven his lack of willingness to put in effort to see you once again. He only wants to see you when it's convenient for him.

 

It's total BS to say you're too "tire" to drive 10 miles (20 mins?) to see your GIRLFRIEND, when she drove 20 miles to you, all the time.

 

From now on, only plan dates near you and see if he comes. Or...just never end up having a date again because he's always "lazy" or "tired" to drive. Then you'll know what you have to do.

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Stop spending low-quality time like this. If he won't date you, do something else. Say no to indifference if you tag along or not with whatever he's doing anyway. It's not a date. Plan things in your area that are actual dates. Jumping up and down over and over about what 'he has to do now' is pointless if you don't change your strategy.

So every weekend he has been going to look around.
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I told myself that too. That if he didn't care about me he wouldn't want me driving to see him every weekend. But, it turns out he liked me driving out there for HIS convenience, because I brought food and my body for him to have sex with. He didn't have to look for sex or do without because I brought it to him. He admitted that if I hadn't driven to see him I would have never seen him, because he didn't care ENOUGH about me to make the effort to drive.

 

Sounds like this guy you're dating. He likes you if you drive to him, but if you don't he doesn't really care enough to make that effort himself. He'd rather not see you at all than have to drive to see you.

 

And there's your answer.

 

If you back pedal now, he'll know he will never have to make an effort because you're willing to do whatever you have to just to keep him. Is that OK with you?

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After all that he called back to say he'll come to me tonight and he told me what time.

 

I am ONLY going to say no to everything around his way until he comes to me and continues to. I turned down everything he said today and now it seems he took a moment and called me back saying hes coming later. If i keep doing this and he continues to put his effort- i will have my answer. But Im not accepting anything less. Today I was upfront about it (not beating around the bush) and so far seems to work.

 

I agree with everything you all are saying. A man who truly likes a woman would do anything to see her or make it easy for her. I know from this point I carried most of the relationship so thats why I posted on here bcuz I reached a breaking point and Im not being appreciated for it. 9 months will turn to one year and I dont want to waste anymore time not knowing if this guy really cares about me or hes just "bored" with nothing else to do.

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After all that he called back to say he'll come to me tonight and he told me what time.

 

I am ONLY going to say no to everything around his way until he comes to me and continues to. I turned down everything he said today and now it seems he took a moment and called me back saying hes coming later. If i keep doing this and he continues to put his effort- i will have my answer. But Im not accepting anything less. Today I was upfront about it (not beating around the bush) and so far seems to work.

 

I agree with everything you all are saying. A man who truly likes a woman would do anything to see her or make it easy for her. I know from this point I carried most of the relationship so thats why I posted on here bcuz I reached a breaking point and Im not being appreciated for it. 9 months will turn to one year and I dont want to waste anymore time not knowing if this guy really cares about me or hes just "bored" with nothing else to do.

 

Keep us posted, but I'm not going to lie, his response about today was pretty not cool. The house hunting thing is not a date and doesn't mean anything. I've had guy friends ask me to view houses with them because they love my input. I don't know your guy but usually when guys have asked me that I view it as they just want a more objective opinion or they know I notice things. I wouldn't read into that.

 

The fact that he was too tired to drive 10 miles is extremely lazy. I'm so sorry he said that to you, as I know how hurtful that feels. I'm glad he did drive over but his response sounded lackluster and almost makes me wonder if he did it just to hook up or because he figured he'd be sitting at home, bored and out of his mind. Also your first Valentine's Day and he's asking you where you want to go? I get that Valentine's is kinda a commercialized holiday and maybe I'm just a bit too finnicky about the holiday, but the first one I feel the guy should put a bit more effort in. I feel he should suggest a few date ideas and ask for your input, not put the ball in your court.

 

One thing I'd suggest if this continues, is the next time he says he's too tired to come get you, do not discuss the issue. Don't say things like "I thought you'd make more of an effort." just say okay, keep me posted and hang up. I've learned that 95% of the time guys know when they are doing something wrong or mistreating you. Sure, some guys are oblivious but you'd know if you were dating a clueless type of guy. I've had guys in the past neglect me, give me crap excuses or send lackluster texts/calls and they all knew they were being a jerk and apologized to me much later. The more you lecture him on this stuff, the more you are forcing him to do things. He did come over but part of me wonders if it was just because he heard what you were saying and felt forced to or was trying to avoid some future argument. You need to know if he genuinely wants to hang out and genuinely has strong feelings for you, so no more telling him what to do if you can. I know how hard it is in the moment, when you are feeling disappointed and hurt.

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Yes he always pays for everything. I have to say, I never paid the bill on anything even if I offered to be nice. He just always pays.

 

I agree its our first Vday and he should def put something into it. He mentioned it Saturday. He told me 2 places hes thinking of and I picked one of them. Im not saying anything from there on. But I know its set on that and hes coming to me . The place is by me also . Other than that , I said nothing about vday. I wanted him to figure it all out so I know its all his ideas.

 

And yes I thought of that plenty of times...if I put things in his head- he'll be forced to do them. Is this his choice or my nagging him to do it??? I have backed off now in all aspects- even texting and phone calls , and i find that he is calling me more now! Even talking longer on the phone. And as far as driving, I feel I know him well enough. If he doesnt want to do something, he wont ,no matter what u say. So i do feel he honestly wants to come . He doesnt do things against will. Hes pretty transparant, sometimes brutally honest ,so if i forced him to come he'd def say "im only here bcuz u told me" ..we had a convo last night about driving and he said he agrees that we both should drive equally. He knows he is lacking. He doesnt think im wrong. He said he will drive more and then stay around my area. I dont know if he'll do back and forth driving but this is a start so Im going to sit back and watch his actions now. If we go back to the same old thing, i wont stand for it but it looks promising so far. He came here Sat and next is Vday... so 2 in a row.

 

Someone mentioned maybe he does things for convenient sex... but our situation is tough right now. ..Me with my parents...him back with his, so theres no shots at sex , and he still hangs out knowing that prior to. Our relationship never was only sexual . It seemed our best times werent even in the bedroom. It was all the other moments.

 

Lastly i feel like hes a popular guy. Well liked....has alot of friends he could pass time with..so i dont think he has no other options and then chooses me. He wants to choose me. If that makes sense? This is why I was baffled and wrote the post...bcuz he has all these good points YET would not compromise or drive? Be a carinv man...It seemed bogus bcuz I do feel he likes me. He is not starving for a woman. He is dateable. I hope I am making sense. I feel the only thing is to see actions now. Like someone mentioned, im not going to point out how Im mad so he can be forced into things. Going to play it cool and hang up if he cant drive to me. I want him to figure it out on his own and have that desire to see me.

 

Sorry for bad grammar and crazy typing. Its been a long day !

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I think this relationship sounds like a gigantic load of crap and you need to leave. What you said in an earlier post I can conform to as a guy; if and when I am with the right woman myself, I am willing to do anything to spend time with her, including driving to her frequently and doing other things. I think this kind of stuff should come natural to a relationship; the fact you have to make such an issue and play games with him to get him to do it, it doesn't sound right. I'm already calling it; he's slowly going to slip into his old ways, because that is just the way he is. You shouldn't have to boss him around to do things that he should do normally. I don't think any of this should have been forced to begin with.

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That's a good start but let's see if he slips into bad habits in a few days or weeks. Either way you seem to be handling this okay, just stay firm with this. I hope it goes well but the prior poster makes a good point. Real change comes within him and not through you withholding attention. It's only been a day so it's impossible to tell right now if he things will be balanced for the foreseeable future or just the next week. Just remember that even though it's been good for the last day or so, don't jump to the assumption that all is well just yet.

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Someone mentioned maybe he does things for convenient sex... but our situation is tough right now. ..Me with my parents...him back with his, so theres no shots at sex , and he still hangs out knowing that prior to. Our relationship never was only sexual . It seemed our best times werent even in the bedroom. It was all the other moments.
well sex isn't the only benefit he's getting. he gets a relationship without actively being a partner. he's purely on the receiving end.

 

He is not starving for a woman. He is dateable.
other women may not be so willing to bring him a relationship on a platter.
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Stop spending low-quality time like this. If he won't date you, do something else. Say no to indifference if you tag along or not with whatever he's doing anyway. It's not a date. Plan things in your area that are actual dates. Jumping up and down over and over about what 'he has to do now' is pointless if you don't change your strategy.

 

Deleted! I didn't continue reading your updates. . .

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lastly. . .It's often said that you will get a better response from someone if you tell them what you like and what's important to you, rather than pointed out the negative.

 

You might consider saying something to the effect, `Don't get me wrong, I like coming to your house and we always have fun, but it means something to me that you'll meet me have way and come this way sometimes. It makes me feel good'

 

And just leave it at that. No complaint, no negative.

Humans typically get defensive or shut down when they hear a perceived complaint. Though as much as you are entitled to it, it's just another way of being heard that has often has better results.

 

When and if he does come your way, be sure to thank him to reinforce it.

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lastly. . .It's often said that you will get a better response from someone if you tell them what you like and what's important to you, rather than pointed out the negative.

 

You might consider saying something to the effect, `Don't get me wrong, I like coming to your house and we always have fun, but it means something to me that you'll meet me have way and come this way sometimes. It makes me feel good'

 

And just leave it at that. No complaint, no negative.

Humans typically get defensive or shut down when they hear a perceived complaint. Though as much as you are entitled to it, it's just another way of being heard that has often has better results.

 

When and if he does come your way, be sure to thank him to reinforce it.

True I like that. Thanks. I am trying to be less argumentative with him...taking a soft approach to how I deliver my wants and needs. I agree it's much more effective than complaining and listing his downfalls.

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That's a good start but let's see if he slips into bad habits in a few days or weeks. Either way you seem to be handling this okay, just stay firm with this. I hope it goes well but the prior poster makes a good point. Real change comes within him and not through you withholding attention. It's only been a day so it's impossible to tell right now if he things will be balanced for the foreseeable future or just the next week. Just remember that even though it's been good for the last day or so, don't jump to the assumption that all is well just yet.

I am hopeful but his good behavior needs to last yes!! Def not going to act like it can change overnight. I have to see it over time and I hope he does naturally want to be better. I think sometimes a woman can make a man want to be a better man but he ultimately has to change on his own. We teach them how to treat us though so hopefully its not too late to fix this.

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I wont lecture him anymore. Thats what I meant to say.

 

This is smart. Recognize that every time you attempt to intervene and guilt BF into behaving as you wish, you're depriving yourself of valuable information. You end up feeling as though you forced something, even while he may have stepped up to surprise you in ways that you wouldn't have anticipated.

 

Backing off isn't so much about 'testing' a person, but rather learning their rhythms and desires and ways of communicating. Allow people to show you who they are without rushing to fill in gaps. Pull back on your desire to compensate or control, and then you'll get to learn whether someone else's 'ways' are all that unreasonable.

 

This requires a period of discomfort when your habit has been to compensate for any real or imagined lack. It can mean that BF spins around his own preoccupations for a time, because his habit has become one of allowing you to overcompensate. So he may or may NOT pick up the ball right away, and if you're too trigger-happy with your judgment about that, you will prematurely sabotage what could otherwise be a time of adjustment for him to your NEW willingness to drop the ball into his court.

 

If you really care about this guy and feel that he's otherwise kind and good to you, then your investment isn't about setting him up to fail, but rather allowing him to recognize the gaps you leave open out of a willingness to let go of overcompensation and the resentment that goes along with that.

 

Head high, and give him a while.

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Ok heres an update...which will be my last post about this topic. Thanking everyone in advance for their advice

 

Vday is not planned. He gave me a few options . I chose what I wanted but he waited so long with no reservation so the places did not have room for tomorrow. I gave him a few other options but he refused them for various reasons. (Too far or not his style) Seems he gave me choices yet wanted me to pick diff things that HE liked. Anyways it made no sense so instead of fighting I just stayed level headed and said I guess Vday is off. Nothing is available this late.

 

So yeah he never planned anything or made reservation. The options he likes are near him but I said Im not driving on Vday. Im just not.( Call me y guys but I wont do it. ) This is what my post was all about.

 

Im going to take the high road and forget about vday. I told him. And if he "gives in" by tomorrow Im going to say "no thats ok. Some other time" he called vday dumb anyways. He clearly shows no desire to make me happy tomm. I dont want gifts or flowers. I figured a dinner of my choice was just fine! I mean he DID ask ..yet didnt like my options. What the?

 

Im disgusted. Calling it off but keeping my disappointment to myself. I will break away from this guy now. He even said Hes not picking me up to drive to a far place bcuz hes "not a taxi cab".

 

Thanks everyone for helping thus far. Think its a lost cause. Everytime i make some progress he takes 10 steps backward. He made it such a push and pull I dont even want to go out anymore.

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Ok heres an update...which will be my last post about this topic. Thanking everyone in advance for their advice

 

Vday is not planned. He gave me a few options . I chose what I wanted but he waited so long with no reservation so the places did not have room for tomorrow. I gave him a few other options but he refused them for various reasons. (Too far or not his style) Seems he gave me choices yet wanted me to pick diff things that HE liked. Anyways it made no sense so instead of fighting I just stayed level headed and said I guess Vday is off. Nothing is available this late.

 

So yeah he never planned anything or made reservation. The options he likes are near him but I said Im not driving on Vday. Im just not.( Call me y guys but I wont do it. ) This is what my post was all about.

 

Im going to take the high road and forget about vday. I told him. And if he "gives in" by tomorrow Im going to say "no thats ok. Some other time" he called vday dumb anyways. He clearly shows no desire to make me happy tomm. I dont want gifts or flowers. I figured a dinner of my choice was just fine! I mean he DID ask ..yet didnt like my options. What the?

 

Im disgusted. Calling it off but keeping my disappointment to myself. I will break away from this guy now. He even said Hes not picking me up to drive to a far place bcuz hes "not a taxi cab".

 

Thanks everyone for helping thus far. Think its a lost cause. Everytime i make some progress he takes 10 steps backward. He made it such a push and pull I dont even want to go out anymore.

Well, I'm disappointed for you. No doubt you put alot more this and didn't get much in return.

 

Honestly, he sounds like a horses ass*

His loss. You deserve at the very least, someone that meets you half way. You need to ask yourself why you tolerated it for this long

 

Hold out for someone that treats you well. It's not too much to ask for.

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