Would you girls be upset or is it just me?

[mandeelove]

Yes very true !! Thanks for all the encouraging words and personal experiences.. I see this has alot to do with me also bcuz I know many girls who would of left by now. Its been like this for months. I might walk away a few days but I then re enter into this with him accepting this zero effort. So it is about walking away and knowing my value. I have to be able to do that in the end if nothing gets better. Thank you.

[mandeelove]

If he doesn't show an effort, read this a ton of times. I know how difficult this is as I was in a similar position and had a hard time realizing my worth. And yeah I loved my guy but ultimately he did not care enough to want to fight to make it work. At the first sign of me putting my foot down, he bolted. But yeah if you honestly think he will fade out, be thankful you didn't invest more time into a relationship going nowhere.

 

I hope he shows you through his actions how much he cares for you, but if he doesn't, don't be afraid to let go. This is sad to admit but the guy I just met last week shows way more interest and effort in me than my last boyfriend did within a month. That's really bad but it was only till he broke up with me that I REALLY started to see how minimal the effort was that he was putting in.

 

Know your value. Give him a shot to step it up but don't be afraid to walk away. I know it's hard but trust me, love is wonderful when it's reciprocated and the effort is balanced.

I know what u mean...once u walk away from something not so good , u start to see whats out there and how bad the last one was. I been with my guy for 9 months so I almost got used to this which is scary bcuz most of my exes were always putting in alot of effort. I know there has to be alot of guys who actually want to see a girl alot and genuinly enjoy relationships . !!

 

Its hard to wslk away.. it def is. Something I am learning right now but it may be the only choice. Im trying this pull back thing and then I'll know. I will def keep u posted. Thanks

[catfeeder]

I'd skip being upset and just stop doing it. If BF is invested enough he'll step up to pick up the slack. If not, then there's your answer.

[nathaly]

Its hard to wslk away.. it def is. Something I am learning right now but it may be the only choice. Im trying this pull back thing and then I'll know. I will def keep u posted. Thanks

 

I know what you're going through.. it is happening to me.. walk away from something you are in love with but at the same time hurts you by his actions.. it's HARD to let it go even when you feel like heaven by his side.. i've been through it a lot lately.. and at the moment you will be like there's won't be any guy like him but trust me it WILL.. i spend 5 years with my ex and even though i sometimes miss him, i know it worth it because i wasnt in a real relationship anymore, it didn't feel the same.. he can change.. but if not.. keep that in mind! you deserve better girl, we all deserve a man who would do anything for us, and so mans do. #Equal

[Wiseman2]

Now that you are closer and he also lives with his parents, he said he would do more of the driving. See what he does and only drive half the time or find something else to do with other friends, family, interests etc.

I do live with my parents and he lives solo so that's one reason I drive there. But now he sold his house and moved back to his parents so we both are in the same boat. my bf now lives only 10 miles away from me He did say he will even though we have less privacy now.

[mandeelove]

Now that you are closer and he also lives with his parents, he said he would do more of the driving. See what he does and only drive half the time or find something else to do with other friends, family, interests etc.

Thanks I am going to do exactly that because his 2 past excuses (distance, and I live with parents) just do not hold weight anymore.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks I am going to do exactly that because his 2 past excuses (distance, and I live with parents) just do not hold weight anymore.

 

Keep us informed. When are supposed to see him next?

[mandeelove]

I know what you're going through.. it is happening to me.. walk away from something you are in love with but at the same time hurts you by his actions.. it's HARD to let it go even when you feel like heaven by his side.. i've been through it a lot lately.. and at the moment you will be like there's won't be any guy like him but trust me it WILL.. i spend 5 years with my ex and even though i sometimes miss him, i know it worth it because i wasnt in a real relationship anymore, it didn't feel the same.. he can change.. but if not.. keep that in mind! you deserve better girl, we all deserve a man who would do anything for us, and so mans do. #Equal

Thanks for sharing your experience. It is hard because other than these things, we do get along. Its like why cant he change something so small? It gets frustrating especially when we'd do that for them. I know i would if he mentioned he wants me to improve on something. Id do it in a second. Anyways i agree! Ive beenn thru bad breakups in the past and then moved on but it does take a while and that first plung is scary because u dont know if it will be a total mistake leaving them. But chance after chance is not healthy either. Especially when u realize u might like them more than they like u. Thanks for your support. I hope u find the strength to move on in your situation also.

[mandeelove]

Keep us informed. When are supposed to see him next?

I will keep you all posted. Well I don't know when we will get together next because normally I'm the one asking him but I stopped asking so it's up to him to plan. I will def update !!

[reinventmyself]

I will keep you all posted. Well I don't know when we will get together next because normally I'm the one asking him but I stopped asking so it's up to him to plan. I will def update !!

 

Stay strong. He might pleasantly surprise you.

[boltnrun]

The fact that he WON'T change "for something so small" speaks volumes, doesn't it?

 

I agree with what you're doing...do NOT make the plans, wait for him to. And if the "plans" include you once again driving to him, suggest HE drive to YOU. If he comes up with another excuse or cancels AGAIN, you will have your answer.

[LilyVanilly]

Sorry. . gotta seriously disagree on this one.

 

Instead of testing him with an unnecessary dramatic episode, how about you tell him that the way things are currently going is not working for you and your needs are not being met. It's his prerogative to do what ever he wants but the fact remains that this is wearing thin for you and you are going to start doing some things on your own and/or contemplating making a change.

 

Nothing to dispute. . . no fuss.

 

You just state your position and understand his. You are either on the same page or you're not.

 

From what I noticed, guys cannot understand without things being shouted into their faces as they think we're just on PMS or something like that and it's another mood swing. if you slam few doors this will be a wake up call and will show don't mess with me pal.

[katrina1980]

From what I noticed, guys cannot understand without things being shouted into their faces as they think we're just on PMS or something like that and it's another mood swing.

 

if you slam few doors this will be a wake up call and will show don't mess with me pal.

 

Tough cookie.

 

That's not my style but hey whatever works!

 

If this is a LTR and new behavior, after telling him how I feel, if nothing changed, I walk away. Quietly.

 

If we had only just started dating (0-3 months), I don't even bother talking to him, I just walk away. Quietly.

[mandeelove]

From what I noticed, guys cannot understand without things being shouted into their faces as they think we're just on PMS or something like that and it's another mood swing. if you slam few doors this will be a wake up call and will show don't mess with me pal.

LOL yeah i used to be a feisty fighter in my day but honestly the men just called me crazy or too much. Or pms like u said!! They always seem to get the upper hand in the argument once a woman loses her cool. So now I play things diff as I got older.

[notalady]

LOL yeah i used to be a feisty fighter in my day but honestly the men just called me crazy or too much. Or pms like u said!! They always seem to get the upper hand in the argument once a woman loses her cool. So now I play things diff as I got older.

 

Yes, being rational and reason with them is the better approach. Someone who calls you crazy or attribute it to PMS is not someone worth dating.

 

If reasoning and communicating calmly doesn't work, you know that this person doesn't listen to reason or can't see others point of view or disregard your feelings, is just plain ol' wrong for you. So, next!

[notalady]

From what I noticed, guys cannot understand without things being shouted into their faces as they think we're just on PMS or something like that and it's another mood swing. if you slam few doors this will be a wake up call and will show don't mess with me pal.

 

Only the guys you dated. So perhaps it's good to look at how you choose men and change that, if you would like a different relationship dynamic.

 

I've never once shouted or lost my temper on a guy I'm in a relationship with. I've always reasoned and discussed the issue calmly (if calming down first is required, I would do that), their reaction tells me whether they are the right guy for me. If they cannot be reasoned with, cannot see my point of view, cannot communicate effectively, and/or disregard my feelings, I know they're not the guy I'm looking for.

[reinventmyself]

Only the guys you dated. So perhaps it's good to look at how you choose men and change that, if you would like a different relationship dynamic.

 

I've never once shouted or lost my temper on a guy I'm in a relationship with. I've always reasoned and discussed the issue calmly (if calming down first is required, I would do that), their reaction tells me whether they are the right guy for me. If they cannot be reasoned with, cannot see my point of view, cannot communicate effectively, and/or disregard my feelings, I know they're not the guy I'm looking for.

 

I don't raise my voice either. I don't need to.

I personally think you lose your credibility the moment you go off the rails.

 

Plus they get really nervous when you are calm and pointed in your delivery

It's much more effective.

[mandeelove]

I don't raise my voice either. I don't need to.

I personally think you lose your credibility the moment you go off the rails.

 

Plus they get really nervous when you are calm and pointed in your delivery

It's much more effective.

Exactly !. And the fight somehow becomes about the person who flew off the handle instead of the real issue at hand .

[Batya33]

I didn't read all of it but it's time to stop driving and time to leave the ball in his court in a non confrontational way. My husband is far from perfect but this is who he is- I took him home yesterday from oral surgery. The anasthesia had barely worn off. I had my wheelie bag because I had his stuff and my work. We got to our building's garage door. He is walking slowly and has gauze in his mouth. Our building door is heavy. He said - slurring- let me get the door for you. I of course wouldn't let him. Find a guy who is thoughtful like that and bonus if his parents are like that too. It's a mindset and it's values and instinctive. I am not referring just to being a gentleman but always looking to lighten your load a bit. Maybe not with housework - somehow he cannot see the dirty laindry or the half filled glasses in the living room - but he means well. Find someone who means well. This guy seems to mean well mostly when it suits him.

[Kris22]

I had the same problem with my ex. I was always driving to him, but he never drove to me. However, when I voiced my concerns to him he would drive to me once during the week and I would drive to him and stay with him on weekends. Maybe your boyfriend would be willing to drive to you at least once a week. If not, maybe you need to let him go if he isn't going to put my effort in to your relationship or caring for you.

[mandeelove]

Just a little update... He invited me today to do house hunting and open houses . The houses are miles in the opposite direction of me. Def closer to him.. Anyways he said you're welcome to come. I turned it down because I am doing this "strike" on driving. I didnt tell him that. I just said I couldnt come. It frustrated me though because its something I would of liked to do but because he has not drove to me, I had to stick to my guns and pretend I couldnt come. Im losing out on things basically because I have no choice but to prove my point. Of course he didnt suggest to get me which (i have to admit) is really out of the way. But still... Anyways I said you can come here tonight and he said he will let me know. I dont get why he cant just say ok? Always a struggle... So this was a good example of my usual dilemma. IF I did drive I would have prob been there all day and he'd prob take me out over there. It just would be the same thing I wrote my post about. Im hoping u guys agree with what I did today even though I would have liked to go look at houses. I stayed strong.

 

Another thing is he wants me involved in things. U wouldnt just take any girl to look at houses and get her opinion if u didnt see a future or like her alot. Thats the part that baffles me. Why not want to come to me no matter what it takes? Why not put effort? It does not add up.

[Applewhite]

I think you should have said: I would love to, please pick me up though. If he says it's too far / out of the way - remind him that if he does buy one of those houses, you'd be making that back and forth trip all the time.

 

If he says you would both have to make it - remind you that you are the only one making the trip now and that it needs to be more equal - which is why it would be a good idea to pick you up.

[Wiseman2]

House hunting and 'welcome to come along' doesn't sound like a date, but more like 'this is what I'm doing today and if you want to tag along, ok'.

 

Wait until there is a real date invitation and do something in your area, plan something nice. He planned this so you have no say in it. Is he one of those weirdos who goes for the tour and free snacks wasting realtors time?

he said you're welcome to come.

[mandeelove]

House hunting and 'welcome to come along' doesn't sound like a date, but more like 'this is what I'm doing today and if you want to tag along, ok'.

 

Wait until there is a real date invitation and do something in your area, plan something nice. He planned this so you have no say in it. Is he one of those weirdos who goes for the tour and free snacks wasting realtors time?

No lol he is def buying a house . So every weekend he has been going to look around. I have went a few times. Yeah it wasnt a real date but he wanted to include me because he gets my opinion. Im waiting on a real date with a plan and only in my area. I did 9 months of driving vs his 5 or 6 times. He has to really step it up now .

[mandeelove]

I think you should have said: I would love to, please pick me up though. If he says it's too far / out of the way - remind him that if he does buy one of those houses, you'd be making that back and forth trip all the time.

 

If he says you would both have to make it - remind you that you are the only one making the trip now and that it needs to be more equal - which is why it would be a good idea to pick you up.

Thats a good idea.