Would you girls be upset or is it just me?

[mandeelove]

My bf does not drive to me ever. I normally drive to him and we do everything in his area. I do live with my parents and he lives solo so that's one reason I drive there. But now he sold his house and moved back to his parents so we both are in the same boat. Also, my bf now lives only 10 miles away from me versus the original 20 where he used to live. Ok so a few days in to this move we have not hung out but I'm hoping he will drive to me. He did say he will even though we have less privacy now. We still will make it work.

 

I have always had resentment that he never drove to me. . I expressed this but it never got me no where. Its not about the driving but the effort and to see he cares. I sit in traffic for him. I drive alot. It would feel good to see him put effort. Pick me up on a real date. Anyways his excuses ranged from too tired, u live too far, i dont feel good or theres way too much traffic. All dumb excuses being that i still drive in all the same conditions he did.

 

Here comes my real issue....when his friends call or something that relates to networking or anything else important to him, he drives! Far too if needed! So since his move back home to his parents, he has drove over 20 miles to meet friends etc. He'll sit in the traffic. I just get really aggravated. It irks me. I speak up about it. Is it just me or would any girl feel the same way I do? I just sometimes feel bad for getting heated and coming off naggy but I cant help it. This gets me mad bcuz his priorities are messed up. Its like he'll drive to wherever he wants but it comes to me and nothing. I have to drive or put effort more.

[agent1607307371]

I think most people would get upset at being taken advantage of like that. Does he give you money for petrol at least?

[limichelle]

I would be upset! I completely understand your frustration.I would feel like I was unimportant. The fact he doesn't get this is what would be a red flag.

[mbee]

Wow this sounds similar to what happened with my ex. How long have you been together?

 

My ex lived 15 minutes WALKING from me and would make more effort to see his friends than me, and he gave the exact same excuses yours did.

 

Anyway after him breaking up with me, I've had a lot of self-reflection so I'll tell you what I wish I knew when we were together. He's taking you for granted big time. If I could go back in time (and I know this is hard to do) I would have stopped making an effort completely. So stop making an effort, just for a couple of weeks. Do not offer to drive and do not ask to see him. I know this is difficult but it's the best wake up call for a guy who is taking you for granted.

 

When he does ask to see you, let him know you can't drive to his area for once. Ask him to come and meet you. Put it out there. Have him make most of the effort. If he's cool with not seeing you or not making an effort then you have a bigger problem in your relationship.

 

In my case, I know my ex will come around and realize that he took me for granted, but if I had stopped making an effort or asking when I'd see him, that might have happened within the relationship. So learn from my experience and give him the opportunity to make an effort and do not offer, ask or suggest anything (even though I know it's very hard).

[mandeelove]

Wow this sounds similar to what happened with my ex. How long have you been together?

 

My ex lived 15 minutes WALKING from me and would make more effort to see his friends than me, and he gave the exact same excuses yours did.

 

Anyway after him breaking up with me, I've had a lot of self-reflection so I'll tell you what I wish I knew when we were together. He's taking you for granted big time. If I could go back in time (and I know this is hard to do) I would have stopped making an effort completely. So stop making an effort, just for a couple of weeks. Do not offer to drive and do not ask to see him. I know this is difficult but it's the best wake up call for a guy who is taking you for granted.

 

When he does ask to see you, let him know you can't drive to his area for once. Ask him to come and meet you. Put it out there. Have him make most of the effort. If he's cool with not seeing you or not making an effort then you have a bigger problem in your relationship.

 

In my case, I know my ex will come around and realize that he took me for granted, but if I had stopped making an effort or asking when I'd see him, that might have happened within the relationship. So learn from my experience and give him the opportunity to make an effort and do not offer, ask or suggest anything (even though I know it's very hard).

Thank you for your advice and wow, glad to also hear I'm not the only one to go through something like this! Sorry to hear about your situation ..How long did u guys date and did u do the driving everytime ? Did he ever drive to you?

 

I have been dating him for 9 months. I can count 5 times he drove to me and the rest were me. Yeah he just doesnt see its a deeper issue of making effort. Its not registering with him no matter what I say. He'll just call me a nag or I'm too much etc.

 

I do agree with u about stopping my driving to him to see what he does. I am def going to do that bcuz now he lives closer to me and he has no excuse reallyy. Plus he drives other places so this is bs now. I never tried pulling back my driving. I always gave in ..

 

After you and your ex broke up did he ever realize he took u for granted or was it just over? Thanks for the advice . !!

[mandeelove]

I would be upset! I completely understand your frustration.I would feel like I was unimportant. The fact he doesn't get this is what would be a red flag.

Thank you!!

[Sportster2005]

It doesn't matter what upsets us. It upsets you. Tell him. If he doesn't accommodate your concerns, you have a decision to make.

[abitbroken]

I can see where you would do more driving if he was single, had his own place and you just wanted to get together and screw around whereas no privacy at your parents house. maybe now that he is 10 minutes away, you just grab the bull by the horns and ask him to meet you somewhere in the middle or plan a date somewhere on the other side of your place and say "hey, pick me up at 7 and we'll go". Just be forward. There was a time when I drove to my guys' more because it made more sense - if we were doing something near his place it was easier for me just to drive there vs him drive to pick me up to go to his place and drive my back again. So don't go in looking for a fight - it doesn't even have to be "a talk" yet. Just don't give him a reason not to reciprocate, expect it, and if he still never does, then address it

[mbee]

Thank you for your advice and wow, glad to also hear I'm not the only one to go through something like this! Sorry to hear about your situation ..How long did u guys date and did u do the driving everytime ? Did he ever drive to you?

 

I have been dating him for 9 months. I can count 5 times he drove to me and the rest were me. Yeah he just doesnt see its a deeper issue of making effort. Its not registering with him no matter what I say. He'll just call me a nag or I'm too much etc.

 

I do agree with u about stopping my driving to him to see what he does. I am def going to do that bcuz now he lives closer to me and he has no excuse reallyy. Plus he drives other places so this is bs now. I never tried pulling back my driving. I always gave in ..

 

After you and your ex broke up did he ever realize he took u for granted or was it just over? Thanks for the advice . !!

 

We broke up literally 2 weeks ago today, so it is not enough time to know what will happen. I am confident he will realize he took me for granted. I was a great girlfriend and very accommodating and he is also a few years younger than me, and still has a bit of growing up to do so I've let him go.

 

Yes, in the beginning of dating (1-2 months) he made an effort and then it dropped off to where I was making an effort 100% of the time. The reason we broke up was similar, I asked for more quality time and he felt I was being difficult and ended it.

 

But yeah you know talking to him will not change things. Instead do nothing and let your actions speak for you. Eventually he will miss you and start putting in the effort to see you. Some people need to learn the "hard" way, even though I understand that it makes sense for you and me to talk things out, listen and make compromises. Not everybody works that way. I've dated similar guys in the past, and 100% of the time they learn once you stop giving in and leave the ball completely in their court.

 

However, if he does not change or only changes for a week or 2, you may need to reassess if he's neglecting you in more ways. Is this just the driving or does he neglect you in other ways? If you find that he's unable to change and is neglecting you in other areas, it may be in your best benefit to not let the relationship continue on much further past 9 months. A healthy relationship requires compromise. Personally, if it was JUST the driving, it's not a dealbreaker for me, but if you see other ways he's being neglectful or if he's minimizing your concerns by saying you are a nag or too much, that points to a deeper issue that will only get worse the longer you are together.

 

Just be honest with yourself on that. Before my ex broke up with me, I was also contemplating if we should break up cause I felt he was taking me for granted, so regardless it was bound to happen until he stopped neglecting the relationship. So keep this all in mind cause unfortunately he may not change, even if you stop putting in the effort or talk to him, and if he does change, it may only be temporary and it's up to you to decide if you want a boyfriend who takes you for granted or to find someone who values you and will not downplay your concerns by calling you a nag.

[mandeelove]

That sounds like my bf. Effort in the first month, then dwindled on driving and accomadating but most is MY fault bcuz I'd always say don't worry I will come to you etc etc. I wanted to see him so I'd drive if he wouldnt. So I reinforced this behavior. When it got too far I voiced my concern and he did not drive anyway. Alot of times I become naggy bcuz he just wont change. Im like a broken record now.

 

Your ex will prob realize his loss too but like u said they have to change and stay consistant after !!. Not a few days... Im going to keep this in mind bcuz I can see that happening with mine.

 

Yes there are more issues than driving. Effort on my part is more in general. I always seem to want to talk more or keep in touch and I show concern as to when our next hang out will be. He is like a go with the flow type. If days pass he wont start to worry when we are hanging. He doesnt like to call or text alot. Not a phone guy. So we are off in that sense too. He doesnt plan dates either and when i give opinions or ideas hes not into trying diff date ideas. He is def lacking compromise or trying to make his partner happy . But the theme is effort/showing care. He shows opposite YET if we attempt to break up, he calls me like a few days later always . Sometimes even hours later. He never truly breaks up. So that shows he wants me but once we start up lol its back to the same story. Valentines day is coming and not to sound cliche but hopefully he'll put some thought into this. Its our first one together so Im waiting to see if he even cares.

 

What u said is what Im doing though. Going to back off as far as initiating effort goes. Im not going to fight or nag. Just gonna back off /text less. Stop driving/ see what happens.

 

I hope your situation works out too !! If your ex changes for the best.

[mbee]

Yes, wow, our situation is quite the same. My ex was also the same, could go days without worrying and didn't call/text a lot as well. Very similar. Good luck with yours. I don't think it's a good sign that he calls you after a breakup. If anything you are showing him that you aren't going anywhere, which further encourages him to take you for granted.

 

View it the opposite way. If you were with a guy who made all the effort, and you put in minimal effort. He got mad at you, you guys broke up, and you called him and he'd take you back in a heartbeat, you wouldn't take that guy seriously. You'd know he was wrapped around your finger and that you could do/say whatever you want, and he'd come running back to you. You are showing your value to him by what you are willing to put up with. Trust me, I have the same issues so I get how tough it is, but while you are backing off and letting him pick up the slack, take some time for yourself to really understand if this is a relationship you want.

 

I hope your ex doesn't need to lose you to value you, and can learn this in the relationship but don't spend months trying to change the guy. One good thing I learned from my recent breakup, is that I was not happy with the lack of calls, texting and general effort. Sure I love him and want it to work but long-term, the resentment would have grown and we would have broken up anyway. Its easy to talk yourself into thinking the lack of effort isn't so bad, but regular communication, compromise and effort is NECESSARY for a healthy long-term relationship. So don't downplay your feelings and don't accept less than you deserve. No guy is perfect, neither are you, but a guy should care about doing the little things, like staying in touch and planning to see you, especially after 9 months! Just keep this in mind, but I do hope it works out for you and that the guy steps up the effort. Keep us updated!

[angrythoughts]

Its only 10 miles... even if there is traffic it shouldn't take that long to get to your house from him. He's not willing to put in the effort that you've been putting in. To me it sounds like he doesn't care enough to see you.

 

Tell him bye and find a guy who wants to see you. This boy sounds lazy. You're not his priority.

[notalady]

You've posted about this guy numerous times. Too many red flags.

 

Yes 10 miles is nothing. Even 20 miles is not a big deal. His excuse is BS. My boyfriend drives 50+ miles to see me on weekends (though I do go to him quite a bit because he lives alone and I live with a parent). When he drives to me, we generally do outside activities around my area. There is literally no excuse for your boyfriend not wanting to drive to you, ever.

 

He doesn't want to put in as much effort, or any effort really.

 

Time to rethink the relationship.

[boltnrun]

I used to date a guy who I always had to drive to. It was literally about 80 miles one way. I did this every weekend.

 

When we eventually broke up, he told me if he'd cared enough about me HE would have driven to ME. But, he didn't. So he didn't. And he told me that if I hadn't driven to him I probably would have never seen him. And that if I hadn't, he probably wouldn't have even cared.

 

Yeah.

[nathaly]

I would definitely be SUPER UPSET, i get you girl... but i clearly understand what's happening there.. you GOT HIM USED TO IT! you didn't see it coming, but i did! and now he's ok and relax because he knows you are the one who always drives, why would he put an effort to drive, to waste time and gasoline if he knows you always do it for both of you? now it's difficult for him to change something he is used to, and more even something he is OK WITH.. now speaking wont work... he always will be giving you endless excuses.. now you have to take actions.. i would recommend to give him a trial month. in this month you won't drive for him.. and after this month ends you can decide what will you do.. and see how much he really care. he will have two options, not seeing you for an entire month or.. drive for you! but you have to be strong because i know this can be hard and heartbreaking process if things turn down to be like you wouldn't want! wish you the best!

[reinventmyself]

I wouldn't participate in a one sided relationship where I did all the heavy lifting.

I know it would be hard but I would start backing off of the efforts and see if he doesn't meet you half way.

You might have a firm conversation with him about your expectations and he should be contributing at least as much as you do or this relationship doesn't seem viable.

[mandeelove]

I would definitely be SUPER UPSET, i get you girl... but i clearly understand what's happening there.. you GOT HIM USED TO IT! you didn't see it coming, but i did! and now he's ok and relax because he knows you are the one who always drives, why would he put an effort to drive, to waste time and gasoline if he knows you always do it for both of you? now it's difficult for him to change something he is used to, and more even something he is OK WITH.. now speaking wont work... he always will be giving you endless excuses.. now you have to take actions.. i would recommend to give him a trial month. in this month you won't drive for him.. and after this month ends you can decide what will you do.. and see how much he really care. he will have two options, not seeing you for an entire month or.. drive for you! but you have to be strong because i know this can be hard and heartbreaking process if things turn down to be like you wouldn't want! wish you the best!

Thank you so much. Yup Im going to pull back all my actions. Its my best bet bcuz words never worked. Hopefully it turns in my favor but if not, Im prepared to face that truth . I agree with u- I got him used to it all . He had no reason to step up. so it ends now !

[abitbroken]

Thank you so much. Yup Im going to pull back all my actions. Its my best bet bcuz words never worked. Hopefully it turns in my favor but if not, Im prepared to face that truth . I agree with u- I got him used to it all . He had no reason to step up. so it ends now !

I wouldn't simply "pull back" - i would be clear. If he suggests the date, he picks you up. If he says "hey, lets' go get a pizza" an you say "great, pick me up at 7" and he refuses, then you know what to do. But if you always said "no problem, i will come to you" all the time in the beginning - then you ALSO set the pace here. If the thing you are doing is on the other side of his place - then i can see you driving - if its near your place or on the other side - then he picks you up. Easy Peasey. And if he doesn't pick you up, then i guess he doesn't want to see you that badly. And don't go.

[LilyVanilly]

I think he got too comfortable and he needs reminded that he's in that relationship as well and needs to put an effort. I would start a major argument and see what he does after. if he crawls back it means he cares and this will be a reminder of his duties but if he doesn't then seems like a waste of time.

As to the Valentines....i'm 10 years in and I will be getting a takeaway, as suggested in this article (reflects my relationship perfectly)

buzzfeed.com/gorzauni/romance-is-dead-anti-valentines-day-ideas-for-c-2sfg0

[reinventmyself]

. I would start a major argument and see what he does after. if he crawls back it means he cares and this will be a reminder of his duties but if he doesn't then seems like a waste of time.

 

Sorry. . gotta seriously disagree on this one.

 

Instead of testing him with an unnecessary dramatic episode, how about you tell him that the way things are currently going is not working for you and your needs are not being met. It's his prerogative to do what ever he wants but the fact remains that this is wearing thin for you and you are going to start doing some things on your own and/or contemplating making a change.

 

Nothing to dispute. . . no fuss.

 

You just state your position and understand his. You are either on the same page or you're not.

[mandeelove]

I wouldn't simply "pull back" - i would be clear. If he suggests the date, he picks you up. If he says "hey, lets' go get a pizza" an you say "great, pick me up at 7" and he refuses, then you know what to do. But if you always said "no problem, i will come to you" all the time in the beginning - then you ALSO set the pace here. If the thing you are doing is on the other side of his place - then i can see you driving - if its near your place or on the other side - then he picks you up. Easy Peasey. And if he doesn't pick you up, then i guess he doesn't want to see you that badly. And don't go.

Yes true I tried being direct like "Come get me " or "I cant drive tonight so can u?" and he has actually cancelled the date and would say "dont worry about it- see u tomorrow then" in hopes by tomorrow I'd drive. It never worked. Thats why I figured let me do actions now. But I agree with everyone and you when you say I set the pace. He got totally spoiled. He only picked places by me- never by him... so it almost looked like he made it "make sense" to go there. Now Im going to pick places by me and thats it. He'll have no choice. I honestly think the relationship will fade out when I back off. Thats my gut feeling .

[boltnrun]

And if it does "fade out" you'll have your answer.

 

The guy I used to date and drive to told me that while he enjoyed the "convenience" (of not having to look for sex, of having someone come to HIS place and bring food, etc., while he sat in a chair relaxing), it wasn't love. He was willing to accept whatever I chose to give him but he wouldn't have searched me out or made any effort because he just plain didn't care enough to do so.

 

So if you choose places near your home or let him know that you'd like to see him and that he's welcome to drive over to your place and he keeps canceling...you'll know he just isn't that into the relationship and that he's willing to just let it (and you) go. And who needs that?

[reinventmyself]

If he's willing to lose you so easily, he isn't worth keeping to begin with.

Hold out for someone who is just as crazy about you as you are them. Don't settle for less.

 

This honestly has more to do with you then it does him. You need to start believing you are worth it!

 

My guy lives 79miles from me. He is currently in route, in traffic, which translates into a two hour drive for our midweek date.

 

By the time he gets here, I have about 2 hrs to give him before it's time for bed because I get up so early for work.

He'll get up at an ungodly hour with me and drive back home tomorrow. I know it's huge an inconvenience, but to him this relationship is important enough to make the effort. I pay him back by going to his house on most weekends.

[mbee]

If he's willing to lose you so easily, he isn't worth keeping to begin with.

Hold out for someone who is just as crazy about you as you are them. Don't settle for less.

 

This honestly has more to do with you then it does him. You need to start believing you are worth it!

 

 

If he doesn't show an effort, read this a ton of times. I know how difficult this is as I was in a similar position and had a hard time realizing my worth. And yeah I loved my guy but ultimately he did not care enough to want to fight to make it work. At the first sign of me putting my foot down, he bolted. But yeah if you honestly think he will fade out, be thankful you didn't invest more time into a relationship going nowhere.

 

I hope he shows you through his actions how much he cares for you, but if he doesn't, don't be afraid to let go. This is sad to admit but the guy I just met last week shows way more interest and effort in me than my last boyfriend did within a month. That's really bad but it was only till he broke up with me that I REALLY started to see how minimal the effort was that he was putting in.

 

Know your value. Give him a shot to step it up but don't be afraid to walk away. I know it's hard but trust me, love is wonderful when it's reciprocated and the effort is balanced.

[reinventmyself]

I

Know your value. Give him a shot to step it up but don't be afraid to walk away. I know it's hard but trust me, love is wonderful when it's reciprocated and the effort is balanced.

 

And. . .the very act of putting your foot down and walking away in turn teaches you your value. It's hard, but necessary and rewarding all at the same time. The more you do it, the more you value and take care of yourself.

 

In turn you become accustomed to not settling for less anymore.

But it starts with you changing things about how you handle yourself, not waiting for him to change.

 

Trust me. . .I was somewhat like you once.upon.a.time.

 

This is what self esteem is all about. 'Esteem in once self' = self love.

It starts with you.

He's not going to believe in your value if you don't.