Pursue or not?

[Silos]

Hi everyone, I have been thinking about posting my 'problem' on this forum for some time and finally found some courage to do so. I am not going through the best of time and opinions are very welcome even if they are brutally honest.

 

Warning...this is going to be somewhat long.

 

Two years ago I lost my partner whom I had been with for 8 years. First year was very hard to get adjusted but the last year has been better. I dated a few guys but didn't feel comfortable but I started having fun with my friends and going back to work.

 

I work in a very 'manly' job so being 'out' is a big no no. Not because I have a problem with it but because there are too many closed minded men who think that making fun of other people is the epitome of their life.

 

Anyway, I've set my eyes on this man who is 60 years old, I am 33. I've always been attracted to older men. At first we just gave the occasional nod to each other, sometimes doing some small talk. I have learnt that he is a single man...never been married but no one knows anything else about him. He is reserved at work and while we do know a lot of things about each other, this one man is an exception...(yeah straight butch men simply love to gossip too).

 

A couple of weeks ago I had to undergo a knee surgery so I took three weeks to go back to work. When I went back, lo and behold, the first person I see is this guy I am interested in. He was alone and I plucked up courage and went to talk to him. I told him that I was out for three weeks and he plain and simply asked me why and what surgery did I have. I told him. It was time for my shift to start so I had to sort of rush the conversation. Before I left, he told me 'wow so it's been three weeks since I saw you last? Time sure does fly by'

 

At first I didn't really think about the comment but soon over it started spinning in my head.

 

Next day I went for a walk on the promenade close to where I live and it's also the town he lives in. When I was walking back to my car, I saw him there having a coffee. I didn't have courage to cross the street and go say hi so I kept walking. But he saw me and called me and made a hand gesture to go join him. We spent a little less than two hours there chatting.

 

Now here come the complications.

 

While we were sitting down he asked me how come I was walking in this particular town. I told him that it's close to where I live and I also have a flat that my partner left me in his will. In my language, there is one word for partner that refers to either male or female, so I left it open. He just assumed it was a female and without realizing, I just burst out and told him that it was a male. I was expecting him to just be polite and find an excuse and leave. But he didn't. I explained to him that even though legally the flat is mine, I cannot really sell it unless my late partner's children (my late partner was married before) sign and agree to the sale.

 

Anyway, we just continue talking...I told him I like cooking, he said that he likes it too. Honestly he doesn't strike me as a man who likes being in the kitchen, but who am I to judge? He asked me if I like wine and I said yes and was interested to see what kind of wines I am interested in. The conversation carried on with switching from talking about ourselves to talking about what goes on at work.

 

The next day I saw him at work...I was with my friends and him with his. He came over and grabbed me from my arm and asked me if I wanted a coffee. I said no but I asked him if he was going to be at the same cafeteria in his town the following morning. He said maybe he will be there. I left because my shift was over (afternoon shift) and his was starting (night shift). We sort of agreed to meet at 9am but I realized it was unrealistic since he finished work at 8am.

 

I went to the cafeteria and he stood me up. He didn't come but I didn't make a big deal out of it. I was a bit disappointed yes but I thought maybe he was tired of had other things to do. The following evening I saw him again at work and I played it cool. But he did ask me if I went to the coffee shop and I said 'yes I went but I went late, so maybe you were gone already?' and he said 'no, I went home and slept'. I didn't want to show him I was disappointed so we went for a cigarette and at one point he told me...'I talked to someone about the flat you have and they gave me a suggestion of what you can do to make a profit out of it' At that moment I was floored as he never struck me as the kind of guy who was listening to what I was saying, let alone keep thinking about it the next day and ask his friends about it. I did not say anything and I changed the subject I told him what was I going to do the following Sunday. Being from a very small country with only 350k people, we only have one garden/plant shop and I told him how much I love going there on Sunday. He told me that he loves it too and that he goes sometimes and afterwards he goes for a drink at a nearby town. He kept emphasizing on that. Once again I kept silent.

 

A few days after I was driving to go visit a girl friend of mine who lives in his town too and I saw him at this usual hang out area with another man. I tried hard not to stop but I couldn't. So I stopped and went to join them. At first he didn't seem very happy (at least that was my impression) but shortly after he offered me a coffee. The man that was with him was his brother, who pulled a chair and asked me to join them at the table. I told the guy I like that the following day I was off from work and very abruptly he asked me why. I told him that it was my mum's birthday and he asked me what were the plans. I told him we were going out to eat as a family and he asked me how many people will be there. I answered him.

 

I left my wallet and car key on table. This guy I like first grabbed the wallet and was fiddling with it (it's out of the ordinary wallet) and he asked me what it was and where I got it from. Then he grabbed my car key and was fiddling with the key chain. In the meantime more of his friends joined and I started feeling uncomfortable. But he tried his best to not keep me out of the loop. Every time he realized I was lost because they were talking about something I had no idea about, he stopped, shifted his attention towards me and explained. I have to admit that it felt good. One coffee led to another coffee and soon after we were drinking whiskeys. I bought the first one, him the second, me the third and him the fourth. Since it was early afternoon I told him that I can't do anymore. A while later he stood up, gave money to the bar tender and told her 'make him (referring to me) another drink before I go'. I told him to wait until I at least finish it, but he said he was tired.

 

Since then I did not see him again. I am somewhat scared to go to his hang out place again as I don't want to bother him. He is your typical butch guy. I could never figure out whether he likes men or women as he talks about nothing of that sort. First impression of him is that he is old fashioned. I am dying to go have another coffee/drink with him but the fact that he did not ask me for my cell phone number bothers me. I think if he was genuinely interested in me he would ask for it. Also, I think he would have not sort of stood me up on our coffee 'date'.

 

Hence I am posting on this forum so that I get some opinions about whether I should pursue or just move on. I really do like the guy and I feel very happy when I am in his company. Am I being obsessive? I am very scared that I would bother him if I go to his usual hang out place again. At the same time I am also scared that I am not explaining myself properly on here so if you have any questions that would help clarify the situation please don't hesitate to ask me. I really would like some opinions as to whether this guy is showing signs of friendship, or signs of someone that is interested or signs that he doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

Sorry for the long explosive text but the fact that I wrote it all out (or let's say the parts I remember) already helped.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think he's gay? Perhaps you don't know enough about his personal life.

[Silos]

I have no idea if he is gay or not...I would like to think that he is. I have a good friend of mine who works with us as well that thinks he is gay.

[DancingFool]

From all your interactions as described, he simply comes across as a nice, friendly, considerate, civil person and that is all. There is nothing to indicate any special interest in you. I think that your heart might flutter about all the little things only because you are into him and because you seem vulnerable at the moment to someone showing you basic kindness and consideration after a long post break up drought.

 

There is also the fact that you work together and that can really make things awkward. Then there is also that huge age difference. You may be fine with that, but he may be turned off by that and only see you as a sort of "son" and that's assuming that he is batting for your team. He might not be. Never married doesn't mean much. There can be other reasons for that that he does't care to share, including painful ones.

 

As for bothering him. I mean if you happen to be there on your own business and he waves you over, then clearly you are not bothering him. Just don't start going places where you know he might be just because....right? Right.

 

Personally, I think you've healed and been single too long now and need to put more energy into finding someone outside of this situation.

[Silos]

DancingFool, your reply is a very considerate one and I agree with you totally. Instead of wasting my energy trying to figure out what is he or what is he not, I better focus on myself and look for someone else.

 

What confuses me is that generally, especially at work, he is not a nice, friendly and civil person...except to me. He is a very reserved man. But could be that he is being nice to me because he feels sorry about that fact that I've lost my partner...

 

Either way thanks a lot of your insight, really appreciated!

[catfeeder]

Aside from not even knowing whether he's gay, the fact that you work together and are NOT out on your job would be my reason to suggest that you don't pursue him--unless and until one of you has another job.

 

I'd consider him a friend at work, and potentially a friend outside of work, but I'd divert the crush. It's tough and ill advised enough for hetro or gays who are out to date coworkers, but to mess with anyone in an environment that's already hostile toward gays would make your life miserable--especially if things go sour and you're stuck facing a hostile workplace AND a hostile ex Every. Single. Workday. for the duration of your job.

 

I'd skip that.

 

Head high.

[Silos]

There has been an enormous update in the past week...more than I can handle actually.

 

We met again for a coffee but I was with my friends. They are all clearly gay and he sat with us. He was very comfortable. One of my friends, who knew I like the guy, suggested that I throw a dinner party for them. I took his advice and invited this guy I like too. Right on the spot he accepted and looked happy.

 

My friends were supposed to come at 7pm...he came at 5pm because he decided that he wanted to help me with the cooking (which seemed very weird to me, especially since I barely knew the guy). He came right on time but all we did in those two hours was sit down and talk. I showed him my apartment and he looked very, very interested. He also felt very comfortable...treating my house like it was his, but I have to admit, was something that I enjoyed. He was even interested in my two cats.

 

Dinner was served and my friends left. He stayed. We drank wine and talked. At one point I told him that my hands are freezing and he simply grabbed one of them and placed it in his hand to check. He looked at me and smiled. I didn't know whether that was a sign or just a friendly gesture. At one point he even told me that he was seeing a woman once a week, just for casual sex but he dumped her.

 

Before he left he did another weird thing. He just stood up and showed me his socks. At that point I burst out laughing and he asked why? I told him nothing and just carried on, trying to be interested in his socks. He told me that he bought them recently and that the material was very nice. I asked politely if I can touch them and he said yes. Was that another friendly gesture or an invitation that I just simply missed?

 

Before he left, he asked me whether we are meeting for coffee or not the next day. I said yes for sure.

 

Next day I met him, but he didn't come alone. He came with a somewhat camp gay guy. I was left speechless. We had a coffee and he told me that they had to leave because they had to go to the bank but he told me to wait for him as he was coming back and it was not going to take long. I was so shocked with all this that I just sat there, staring having no idea what to think. Is he straight but has a gay friend? Is he partnered? Do they live together?

 

Anyway he came back, and he came back alone and we spent another two hours together. Before I left he asked me if he was going to see me at work in the evening. I said yes and left.

 

Yesterday I met him for another drink in the morning and I asked him if he wanted to come cook another dinner with me for my friends. He said yes again. In the evening we were both working. When I arrived in the car park, I saw his car parked with him in it. Normally he comes late and I arrive early. Yesterday he arrived earlier than me. I pretended that I did not see him and just walked in to work. He followed me and said 'you were behind me' and I played the fool and told him 'was I driving behind you?' and he said 'no you parked behind me and saw you walking in.' He came outside to smoke a cigarette with me and we had to part ways.

 

Normally this guy doesn't talk to anyone, so my friends and even other people who work there are looking at us funny. It doesn't make me uncomfortable at all.

 

It just messes with my head.

 

Now I already feel a bit down because for the next two weeks he will not be seeing each other at work as we will be switching our roles (our job involves a rotation). But yesterday morning he told me that I should go to his town for drinks. I told him that I have other things to do and besides I don't know if he will be there or not. He said 'so what if I am not here, just come and enjoy a drink or coffee by yourself.'

 

One final thing that I noticed. Yesterday he was with his brother and another older friend. They were sitting on a square table and one end was empty. I grabbed a chair and moved it towards the empty end. His brother moved and sort of made space so that I go sit next to him (the guy I like).

 

I just don't know what to think? Should I ask him straight and plain if he is with the other guy? Or will that be very rude?

 

Gahhh, why is life so complicated.