Inconsistent boyfriend / disabled girlfriend

[Redrose21]

Hi. Ive been dating a guy for 7 months. He says he loves me and wants to build on foundations for a long future together. We live together in my house. He brought a dog which he promised to care for because it's a real handfull. He doesnt and the dog destroys the home and I don't want it here. My boyfriend is inconsistent to our relationship. He often doesn't come home at night and switches of his phone for days on end, until he's ready to speak to me, when he thinks I've calmed down. He doesn't leave after an argument..he just leaves me and the dog whenever suits. His work is inconsistant and when he gets offered a bit of work he don't come home after. The only stable money is my giro and my few hrs I work. I'm now in huge debt on my home, which I've never had before. He promises to help..but he doesn't. I keep losing extra work because the turmoil of his in and out of my life. He says he doesn't want me to work..and don't help to encourage me. I suffer with depression. Last week i found illegal drug wraps in his vehicle twice! He denies any knowledge. This is my first relationship in 8 years since leaving my violent ex husband. I'm disabled in my spine as a result of him which limits my ability in everyday tasks. My new boyfriend gets angry and calls me names like idiot and stupid. This hurts because I feel stupid because I don't have a career because of my disability. Last week i sat on the bed trying to talk to him about money for my children..he stood up in anger and raised his open hand to my cheek bone. He intimidated me. Later he said he didn't do it but was more waving his hands about in frustration with me. I feel maybe it weren't that bad..maybe I'm over reacting?. Recently I tried to talk to him and he walked out of the bedroom calling me an idiot again. So I threw a pillow at him. He picked it up and slammed it back at me. I threw it back and he slammed it back again harder. I was shocked by his disrepect. The irony of it is I love the guy. No one is perfect..people make mistakes and tbh I'd really like to be in a good solid relationship to share the joys of life with. This man says he loves me and has dreams for us together..I used to have dreams of my own..until i fell in love with him very much..but now I feel my life has tumbled down. I wonder if i should kick him out and move on as a single woman again which unfortunately is not something I want to choose to be.

[Birdie]

Yes kick him out! He's abusive and incredibly disrespectful.

 

Did you ever talk to someone after leaving your abusive ex?

 

You deserve to be treated well!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are in another abusive relationship. Go to social services for help with food, welfare, disability help/payments,etc. Get child support for your children. Find ways to support yourself and your children that make sense.

 

Evict this guy and get a tenant/roommate to help with bills.

 

Why did you allow him to move in after only 7 mos of dating? Did you need financial help? What about your family and welfare/ disability payments?

 

Also get help from domestic violence agencies.

7 months. We live together in my house. The only stable money is my giro and my few hrs I work. leaving my violent ex husband. Last week i sat on the bed trying to talk to him about money for my children..he stood up in anger and raised his open hand to my cheek bone.

[Redrose21]

I moved him in with me because his rental wasn't suitable and we was really very happy to start with. I think I was happy because I found someone who i thought was as crazy for me as I was for him. Im alone after losing my daughters who now live in another country as a result of domestic violence so naturally im vunerable, seeking love to fill the gap in my life. I was also at the point of losing my nursing career, something id been in college 3years for and worked 9months for. Id reached a breakdown, mentally for my kids and physically for my spine. But then the debt started coming and put our relationship under pressure. I trusted him because i didnt want to be alone. But now hes been gone since yesterday morning and his phone is off. I'm just playing the waiting game for his call.. I can clear my debt if I'm on my own because being alone doesn't cost so much.

[Redrose21]

And as for family..I don't have any. I only had a mum and she died at christmas whilst in hospital. On the way to her funeral he was shouting at me over the directions there. That really hurt me and I find it very hard to forgive. I don't see friends any more because when he's gone i either clean the house for his return or im depressed because he hasnt returned. I'm not to sure what is really going on and I'm confused.

[abitbroken]

Call the police if there are drugs in the car. That way he might be removed from the house so you can react and you have something on record. If he disappears on you and you own or are the lease holder on the house, why not have a locksmith come change the locks? Kick him out for good

[Wiseman2]

It's a red flag to move someone in after dating only a few months. Evict him. He doesn't love you and he's using you for a place to live. Are you supporting him financially with government funds? Read up on con men.

I moved him in with me because his rental wasn't suitable. I can clear my debt if I'm on my own because being alone doesn't cost so much.

[Redrose21]

Yes we live mostly on my funds and my part time work. Work which I need to give up because I'm incapable physically now..I just cant afford to at the moment. He does get some money but that's when he leaves. Like yesterday he called to say he was on his way home with money but he didn't arrive. Usually I'd still take him back..but god willing not this time. Yes i guess he doesn't love me and is using me for a place to live..I guess I used him for the company.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Pack up his stuff and change the locks. He's running a drug dealing operation and mooching off your government funds. You are putting yourself at risk.

Yes we live mostly on my funds and my part time work. yesterday he called to say he was on his way home with money but he didn't arrive.

[Redrose21]

His family are lovely. They made me feel really welcome. I feel like I'm losing a lot once again. X

[abitbroken]

How did you lose your daughter's to domestic violence if you were the one being abused? Does that mean your daughters are with extended family, or with your abusive ex? Can you communicate with them?

 

I honestly think you should call the women's shelter and be connected with counseling. You cannot trust yourself to not date another abuser after this. You are oblivious to the signs. One of them is very loose boundaries and moving too quickly in the beginning - and you were gung ho just so you wouldn't be lonely - which makes you very attractive to someone abusive.

[Redrose21]

Thanks Wiseman2. ..that's just what I needed to hear. X

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like another thorn to pass by on your way to the rose.

Best wishes as you move on forward.

[Redrose21]

Thanks abitbroken. Yes my children are with the abuser and I have limited holiday contact. But that's another story which can be very typical if you know anything of the legal systems which I won't go into. I recently started therapy with a counsellor but it isn't working on educating my behaviours..it's just meetings where I chat without receiving feedback. I think from being single for such a long time because i didn't want to meet another rat..I should've choosen better..but how can you know when a man is going to change. When I met him he had a career, as did i, but we both had issues. I don't think anybody can predict in the beguining when all is well if someone will be abusive. I hoped that we had hit a bad patch as people do but they stay together and work it out. Only the fact he don't come home tells me we arent together in this. X

[Redrose21]

Thank you betterwithout x

[DancingFool]

Thanks abitbroken. Yes my children are with the abuser and I have limited holiday contact. But that's another story which can be very typical if you know anything of the legal systems which I won't go into. I recently started therapy with a counsellor but it isn't working on educating my behaviours..it's just meetings where I chat without receiving feedback. I think from being single for such a long time because i didn't want to meet another rat..I should've choosen better..but how can you know when a man is going to change. When I met him he had a career, as did i, but we both had issues. I don't think anybody can predict in the beguining when all is well if someone will be abusive. I hoped that we had hit a bad patch as people do but they stay together and work it out. Only the fact he don't come home tells me we arent together in this. X

 

Then you need more constructive counseling and not just talk therapy.

 

As for how do you know.....you need to place on yourself some hard rules that you don't break or budge on until your man picker becomes better adjusted. First rule is avoid like the plague any type of whirlwind romance type stuff. Keep it arm's length for at least 2-3 months of just a date on a weekend kind of a thing. Absolutely no moving in together. You may consider living with someone after you've been in a relationship with them for at least 2 years and the relationship is genuinely good consistently. You have actually had all that time to see how he handles life, challenges, know he is not on drugs, didn't mysteriously lose a stable job, etc, etc, etc. It takes serious time to get to know someone and even the best con artists can't maintain a facade for 2-3 years. They'll seek easier targets. Also, early on and by that I mean under two years, he shows you any kind of bad behavior, you dump him. Do not meet a man and immediately consider him your next long term mate no matter how great he seems at that moment. Now if he is still great 2-3 years down the road and the biggest issue you have is that he won't put his dirty socks in the hamper, then you might start thinking that you have a keeper, but not a minute before those years are up.

[abitbroken]

Thanks abitbroken. Yes my children are with the abuser and I have limited holiday contact. But that's another story which can be very typical if you know anything of the legal systems which I won't go into. I recently started therapy with a counsellor but it isn't working on educating my behaviours..it's just meetings where I chat without receiving feedback. I think from being single for such a long time because i didn't want to meet another rat..I should've choosen better..but how can you know when a man is going to change. When I met him he had a career, as did i, but we both had issues. I don't think anybody can predict in the beguining when all is well if someone will be abusive. I hoped that we had hit a bad patch as people do but they stay together and work it out. Only the fact he don't come home tells me we arent together in this. X

 

WHen i was first out of an abusive relationship - I NEEDED to just chat and get it out. Perhaps you need a change - to go to a support group of abuse survivors so you can recognize yourself in them and learn from people who are at the other side of the journey, look into CODA and also find another therapist.

 

As far as "a bad patch" People hit a bad patch when someone is laid off, someone close dies. They don't disappear and the whole relationship wasn't a bad patch.

 

Yes, there are ways to predict that someone COULD be abusive. Those signs include.

1) Moving way too fast - being overly eager to get very involved immediately, moving in or marrying quickly, sweeping the other person off their feet, etc, vs getting to know someone over time.

2) How they treat their mother, other close familiar women and how they speak of them.

3) How they treat "neutral" women and children (ie, the waitress, the clerk taking their ticket, the doctor at the hospital).

And I could go on and on.

 

Also, you are codependent if you are giving your life to someone - supporting them financially and keeping a roof over your head because you just don't want to be alone or if you don't hardly know them.

 

Also, as far as the kids - i sympathize with you. If there was no documentation of abuse - the cops were never called, etc, or there is no signs of it that the kids show up at school with - sometimes the custody does go to the parent that is more financially and physically able to care for the kids.

 

I think that i would swear off or men. Go to counseling. Also, go to things like cooking classes, volunteer or book groups if you are a person of faith - scripture study or church/synagogue activities and find some sort of network or community for yourself whatever that may be - where people are used to seeing you around and get to appropriately care about you. Even if you have a physical limitation, there is some way to be around healthy people who will stay a little at arm's length at first. Also, try what you can to reconnect with your children.

[Wiseman2]

Get a nice reliable paying tenant/roommate to make your life stable and have company, friendship as well as some extra income. Why let this conman use you and live off your government funds? Plus, you if he's using drugs, staying out all night, do you really want the cops at your door? Pack up his stuff, change the locks and place an ad for a roommate.

Yes we live mostly on my funds and my part time work. He does get some money but that's when he leaves..I guess I used him for the company.

[abitbroken]

Get a nice reliable paying tenant/roommate to make your life stable and have company, friendship as well as some extra income. Why let this conman use you and live off your government funds? Plus, you if he's using drugs, staying out all night, do you really want the cops at your door? Pack up his stuff, change the locks and place an ad for a roommate.

 

Yes. a female roommate with a job and consistent income. No charity cases. No one you feel badly for. But not until you kick boyfriend out and he stops coming around.