bison67 Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 So ill get to the point here, my break up from 3 years ago still effects me very much. I had an extremely tough, painful, and prolonged breakup that lasted a few months 3 years ago that feels like it stole part of my soul. Nothing has been the same since that day 12/9/13. I remember the second she told me she was leaving me i felt an intense such of emotion, stress, adrenaline, and pain that I had never felt before, I honestly remember the feeling so vividly like "O god I dont like this feeling!!! this hurts so much, Ive never felt anything this emotionally and physically painful before!". The problem for me is that the pain had lasted so long and lingered and I have been in a depression for 3 years now, and its not just all BU related, thats only a piece of the puzzle, the breakup just seems to be the point where it all started. Cause before 7pm on 12/9/13 I have never felt the slightest bit of depression or anxiety in my entire life and that second it hit me like a brick wall and It hasn't left since that moment. (I dont blame her for leaving me btw, no anger at all there) Its been a battle in life since that moment, Ive always liked to party and drink. Due to that BU I couldn't cope well with my emotions and that partying ramped up big time as self destructive and selfish ways continued. I went to rehab from September 2015- May 2016 to get my life together and move on. I did very well and got sober and life got better, or at least I presented that I was happy, im good at that. Even though I was clean and doing well and I had talked about the BU to intense therapists for 8 months I still felt pain from it, but hid it, i had talked to much and nothing has changed. After rehab everyone thought i was doing amazing, I was an inspiration to people, all that stuff people say when you get it together. I got my dream job in the summer once i got it together. Im actually a former athlete which got me a job in very high level coaching. With this job iv'e relocated out west and to all my friends and family they think i'm doing INCREDIBLE. I have money, fame, and i'm in amazing shape, literally looks like i'm doing as well as a 25 year old possible can in life. It scares me because I logically know im sooooo lucky and sooooo blessed and my job is a 1/1000 job and most people would kill to do what i do. I have an amazing loving supporting family that im so close to, i have great friends, im healthy, im super fit (7 days a week gym), im very attractive, i have a good apartment, and a sweet car. My life is great and im so blessed. I have issues with women though, I feel like i have trauma induced asexuality (if thats a thing) my attraction to women is GONE, except in rare cases where a women is so beautiful and nice that i cant resist. Only met one in 3 years and I saw her for a month before she crushed me. I really dont trust women and im attracted to only a couple in the world and it has to be the perfect combination of great personality and great looks, met 5 in my life that I was attracted to, only successfully has 2 year relationship with 1 (BU 3 years ago). I wish i wasn't so picky as i see my friends go girl to girl every month it seems and they are happy. I really really am worried that the damage that has scarred me, my lack of attraction to most women, how picky I am, and my depression will keep me single forever....I want a wife and family one day, but it feels impossible for me cause of my scarred brain. I have relapsed too....I drink about once a week now after games on saturday, I know i shouldnt drink but its the only thing in the world that 100% lifts that pain and makes it go away. ITS CRAZY HOW WELL IT WORKS. But the next day im sooooo hungover and depressed that day is torture. But those few hours of alcohol bliss are so worth it, Its my freedom from that familiar feeling that began 7pm 12/9/13. Why cant i kick this lingering sadness, pain, and depression that has been in my life since 7pm 12/9/13? People say it will go away, but maybe im a rare case of a person that a BU has actually ruined forever. Ive tried therapy, intense exercise, community work, sobreity, and medication. \ Nothing feels the same in life anymore when to everyone else im doing "better than ever". I have walking depression, I appear happy and awesome on the outside, but on the inside im an anxious, depressed, low self esteem, and miss the past so much. I just want life to feel like it did pre 7pm 12/9/13..... All i want, i pray everyday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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