Breakup 3 years ago still effects me greatly

[bison67]

So ill get to the point here, my break up from 3 years ago still effects me very much. I had an extremely tough, painful, and prolonged breakup that lasted a few months 3 years ago that feels like it stole part of my soul. Nothing has been the same since that day 12/9/13. I remember the second she told me she was leaving me i felt an intense such of emotion, stress, adrenaline, and pain that I had never felt before, I honestly remember the feeling so vividly like "O god I dont like this feeling!!! this hurts so much, Ive never felt anything this emotionally and physically painful before!". The problem for me is that the pain had lasted so long and lingered and I have been in a depression for 3 years now, and its not just all BU related, thats only a piece of the puzzle, the breakup just seems to be the point where it all started. Cause before 7pm on 12/9/13 I have never felt the slightest bit of depression or anxiety in my entire life and that second it hit me like a brick wall and It hasn't left since that moment. (I dont blame her for leaving me btw, no anger at all there)

 

Its been a battle in life since that moment, Ive always liked to party and drink. Due to that BU I couldn't cope well with my emotions and that partying ramped up big time as self destructive and selfish ways continued. I went to rehab from September 2015- May 2016 to get my life together and move on. I did very well and got sober and life got better, or at least I presented that I was happy, im good at that. Even though I was clean and doing well and I had talked about the BU to intense therapists for 8 months I still felt pain from it, but hid it, i had talked to much and nothing has changed.

 

After rehab everyone thought i was doing amazing, I was an inspiration to people, all that stuff people say when you get it together. I got my dream job in the summer once i got it together. Im actually a former athlete which got me a job in very high level coaching. With this job iv'e relocated out west and to all my friends and family they think i'm doing INCREDIBLE. I have money, fame, and i'm in amazing shape, literally looks like i'm doing as well as a 25 year old possible can in life. It scares me because I logically know im sooooo lucky and sooooo blessed and my job is a 1/1000 job and most people would kill to do what i do. I have an amazing loving supporting family that im so close to, i have great friends, im healthy, im super fit (7 days a week gym), im very attractive, i have a good apartment, and a sweet car. My life is great and im so blessed.

 

I have issues with women though, I feel like i have trauma induced asexuality (if thats a thing) my attraction to women is GONE, except in rare cases where a women is so beautiful and nice that i cant resist. Only met one in 3 years and I saw her for a month before she crushed me. I really dont trust women and im attracted to only a couple in the world and it has to be the perfect combination of great personality and great looks, met 5 in my life that I was attracted to, only successfully has 2 year relationship with 1 (BU 3 years ago). I wish i wasn't so picky as i see my friends go girl to girl every month it seems and they are happy. I really really am worried that the damage that has scarred me, my lack of attraction to most women, how picky I am, and my depression will keep me single forever....I want a wife and family one day, but it feels impossible for me cause of my scarred brain.

 

I have relapsed too....I drink about once a week now after games on saturday, I know i shouldnt drink but its the only thing in the world that 100% lifts that pain and makes it go away. ITS CRAZY HOW WELL IT WORKS. But the next day im sooooo hungover and depressed that day is torture. But those few hours of alcohol bliss are so worth it, Its my freedom from that familiar feeling that began 7pm 12/9/13.

 

 

Why cant i kick this lingering sadness, pain, and depression that has been in my life since 7pm 12/9/13? People say it will go away, but maybe im a rare case of a person that a BU has actually ruined forever. Ive tried therapy, intense exercise, community work, sobreity, and medication. \

 

Nothing feels the same in life anymore when to everyone else im doing "better than ever". I have walking depression, I appear happy and awesome on the outside, but on the inside im an anxious, depressed, low self esteem, and miss the past so much. I just want life to feel like it did pre 7pm 12/9/13..... All i want, i pray everyday.

[evad1]

So ill get to the point here, my break up from 3 years ago still effects me very much. I had an extremely tough, painful, and prolonged breakup that lasted a few months 3 years ago that feels like it stole part of my soul. Nothing has been the same since that day 12/9/13. I remember the second she told me she was leaving me i felt an intense such of emotion, stress, adrenaline, and pain that I had never felt before, I honestly remember the feeling so vividly like "O god I dont like this feeling!!! this hurts so much, Ive never felt anything this emotionally and physically painful before!". The problem for me is that the pain had lasted so long and lingered and I have been in a depression for 3 years now, and its not just all BU related, thats only a piece of the puzzle, the breakup just seems to be the point where it all started. Cause before 7pm on 12/9/13 I have never felt the slightest bit of depression or anxiety in my entire life and that second it hit me like a brick wall and It hasn't left since that moment. (I dont blame her for leaving me btw, no anger at all there)

 

Its been a battle in life since that moment, Ive always liked to party and drink. Due to that BU I couldn't cope well with my emotions and that partying ramped up big time as self destructive and selfish ways continued. I went to rehab from September 2015- May 2016 to get my life together and move on. I did very well and got sober and life got better, or at least I presented that I was happy, im good at that. Even though I was clean and doing well and I had talked about the BU to intense therapists for 8 months I still felt pain from it, but hid it, i had talked to much and nothing has changed.

 

After rehab everyone thought i was doing amazing, I was an inspiration to people, all that stuff people say when you get it together. I got my dream job in the summer once i got it together. Im actually a former athlete which got me a job in very high level coaching. With this job iv'e relocated out west and to all my friends and family they think i'm doing INCREDIBLE. I have money, fame, and i'm in amazing shape, literally looks like i'm doing as well as a 25 year old possible can in life. It scares me because I logically know im sooooo lucky and sooooo blessed and my job is a 1/1000 job and most people would kill to do what i do. I have an amazing loving supporting family that im so close to, i have great friends, im healthy, im super fit (7 days a week gym), im very attractive, i have a good apartment, and a sweet car. My life is great and im so blessed.

 

I have issues with women though, I feel like i have trauma induced asexuality (if thats a thing) my attraction to women is GONE, except in rare cases where a women is so beautiful and nice that i cant resist. Only met one in 3 years and I saw her for a month before she crushed me. I really dont trust women and im attracted to only a couple in the world and it has to be the perfect combination of great personality and great looks, met 5 in my life that I was attracted to, only successfully has 2 year relationship with 1 (BU 3 years ago). I wish i wasn't so picky as i see my friends go girl to girl every month it seems and they are happy. I really really am worried that the damage that has scarred me, my lack of attraction to most women, how picky I am, and my depression will keep me single forever....I want a wife and family one day, but it feels impossible for me cause of my scarred brain.

 

I have relapsed too....I drink about once a week now after games on saturday, I know i shouldnt drink but its the only thing in the world that 100% lifts that pain and makes it go away. ITS CRAZY HOW WELL IT WORKS. But the next day im sooooo hungover and depressed that day is torture. But those few hours of alcohol bliss are so worth it, Its my freedom from that familiar feeling that began 7pm 12/9/13.

 

 

Why cant i kick this lingering sadness, pain, and depression that has been in my life since 7pm 12/9/13? People say it will go away, but maybe im a rare case of a person that a BU has actually ruined forever. Ive tried therapy, intense exercise, community work, sobreity, and medication. \

 

Nothing feels the same in life anymore when to everyone else im doing "better than ever". I have walking depression, I appear happy and awesome on the outside, but on the inside im an anxious, depressed, low self esteem, and miss the past so much. I just want life to feel like it did pre 7pm 12/9/13..... All i want, i pray everyday.

 

Im happy to hear you got help for your issues. Have you tried dating again? I mean it sounds like you have everything in your life together but this issue? It's pretty hard to meet someone who you can kind of just click with or someone you feel like you can relate too. It may just be taking you some time to meet someone. I don't want to be rude but if I may ask why did she leave you?

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you realize that alcoholism and underlying mental heath issues are causing all this not the breakup. Stop blaming her and take responsibility for your own mental health again.

 

Perhaps voluntary alcohol/addiction support meetings would help maintain sobriety and mental health. She didn't destroy you, self-destructiveness is.

 

If and until you realize that, you'll float along in denial blaming a breakup for all your ongoing problems.

I have relapsed too....I drink about once a week now after games on saturday, I know i shouldnt drink but its the only thing in the world that 100% lifts that pain and makes it go away.

[evad1]

You're definitely not the only person to be super depressed over a break up. I don't know if you were experiencing problems before the break up but you need to accept you're going to be sad about it but you need to continue dating. Even if it takes you awhile to find someone. There are plenty of people like you who end up settling for something over nothing because who wants to end up alone? Start dating online. Don't start drink heavily again!! What You're feeling is completely normally. you got your life together don't start falling apart again or else you'll never meet the right woman. There are plenty of women who are looking for the exact same thing you're offering and can't find it. Lol where are the nice guys like you hiding?

[Betterwithout]

Break ups suck, and some have had tougher break ups than you.

Depression is common and if it persists, find a good therapist.

 

I want your next thread on this forum to be "I found love". It is 100% up to you to drop the bottle for good, be thankful for the gifts you have in your life (you have tons going for you), and go to good dating sites to find the woman of your dreams, or join a co-ed sport team to meet someone aligned to your passions. You know deep inside that you have the potential.

 

God bless

[Costasheat]

i don't know why but i nearly felt like crying while reading this...

 

Well man as you say you have everything a human wants so i don't see what keeps your confidence so low...

 

you arw stuck in hell with the devil himself keeping your heart inside a cage burning it !! the time has come Beat Him !

[bison67]

Just seems that this break up triggered some intense depression that hasn't lifted in quite some time. Im not longer upset about the break up but it seems to have created this depression I cant seem to escape from. I have been working on my issues for 3 years now but it hasn't felt like my mind felt 5-6 years ago when i was confident, happy, the opposite of depressed, and enjoying so much in life. I hope one day I can get back to what life used to feel like before that one moment triggered this wave of depression. Its not even about the break up anymore, I dont miss her or think of her much, im content with that.

 

 

Thanks for listening everyone

[lostlove76]

I'm not one to give advice about this because I don't have my own self worked out yet, but I'll share with you what I was told by a doctor or therapist a few years ago. I can't even recall exactly who told me this, but they said that depression and/or anxiety changes your brain chemistry, and sometimes you have to take meds (antidepressants) to reset it back to normal. I apologize if I missed this in your post, but have you tried meds? I took zoloft a few years ago and it did wonders. I should be on it now, truthfully. If you've tried everything else, and it's not that you're still heartbroken over the ex, maybe see about antidepressants? Worth a try, right?

 

And I know what you mean about the drinking. How it makes you feel so much better in the moment, but 20x worse than normal the next day. It's a temporary fix, and then you crash hard. I get it.

[bison67]

You seem to get it, and yes I tried meds, therapy, and was sober for over a year and life was going extremely well and everyone I knew was so happy for me looking from the outside. I really did like I had it all figured out from the outside perspective. Problem was I was unhappy for NO reason on the inside. It still scares me

[beast1125]

You seem to get it, and yes I tried meds, therapy, and was sober for over a year and life was going extremely well and everyone I knew was so happy for me looking from the outside. I really did like I had it all figured out from the outside perspective. Problem was I was unhappy for NO reason on the inside. It still scares me

 

It's because you are living in a love story set in motion by your creator, God. Your God desires to have a loving and intimate relationship with you each and every day and without that relationship you will always have a God shaped hole in your heart. We are creatures of love and our purpose is to love in return. No man or woman will ever be able to fully satisfy the desires of anyone's heart no matter what this world has convinced you of. Get on your knees, pray to your heavenly father, and ask him to soften your heart and set your path straight.

[evad1]

You seem to get it, and yes I tried meds, therapy, and was sober for over a year and life was going extremely well and everyone I knew was so happy for me looking from the outside. I really did like I had it all figured out from the outside perspective. Problem was I was unhappy for NO reason on the inside. It still scares me

 

Do you feel like you a purpose? Are you doing anything outside of work, and the same old same old?

[bison67]

Do you feel like you a purpose? Are you doing anything outside of work, and the same old same old?

 

 

Absolutely, my life is epic from the outside, im fit as hell, have a dream job, have some fame whatever that is worth, money, nice place, nice car, great family, yet it all doesnt mean that much to me due to a wave a severe depression that begain on 12/9/13, that date is SOOOOO important cause I remember the EXACT moment i felt this. It hasnt left since.....

 

Nobody knows I feel like this except for professionals, people in AA, and close family. To the rest of the world I'm an incredibly impressive 25 year old

[shessofly]

Have you been to a doctor to rule out medical issues such as hormone imbalances? I know you're in good shape but it might be worth looking into. Rule out everything.

[evad1]

Absolutely, my life is epic from the outside, im fit as hell, have a dream job, have some fame whatever that is worth, money, nice place, nice car, great family, yet it all doesnt mean that much to me due to a wave a severe depression that begain on 12/9/13, that date is SOOOOO important cause I remember the EXACT moment i felt this. It hasnt left since.....

 

Nobody knows I feel like this except for professionals, people in AA, and close family. To the rest of the world I'm an incredibly impressive 25 year old

 

Only thing wrong with that is there are people who have money and fame and family and they're still depressed because they're looking for something. Your girlfriend was your little bit of excitement or whatever you want to call it. now you're depressed because you feel like you're missing something.

 

You don't feel content with what you have. From what you said you can't get off on cheap flings so you don't have anything but drinking every so often to feel that void.

 

Finding purpose in life that goes beyond your personal needs...think about it.

[bison67]

Only thing wrong with that is there are people who have money and fame and family and they're still depressed because they're looking for something. Your girlfriend was your little bit of excitement or whatever you want to call it. now you're depressed because you feel like you're missing something.

 

You don't feel content with what you have. From what you said you can't get off on cheap flings so you don't have anything but drinking every so often to feel that void.

 

Finding purpose in life that goes beyond your personal needs...think about it.

 

Single best thing ive read on this forum. Thank you.

[evad1]

Single best thing ive read on this forum. Thank you.

 

I'm in the same place. So don't feel bad. If I lost my boyfriend I'd be even more lost. I don't want to get into theories and all that bull but you're braver than me. That's all you need to know, good luck! Give us updates if you can. please stay a good guy. Girls like me are are searching all over for guys like you, even if you don't see it.

[evad1]

Also, I wanted to say this will be tough. Just because you realize what the problem is doesn't mean it will be a easy fix. Please don't get discouraged, and if you can't handle it like you've done before seek therapy. Good luck like I said before lol

[bison67]

Also, I wanted to say this will be tough. Just because you realize what the problem is doesn't mean it will be a easy fix. Please don't get discouraged, and if you can't handle it like you've done before seek therapy. Good luck like I said before lol

 

Ive blown roughly 250,000$ on therapy, medication, and rehab.... given up, and exhausted all options. Im just hoping one day ill wake up and that feeling will be gone and things will feel like they did before 12/9/13. Just want this darkness to lift cause it makes ZERO sense why I feel this way. Ill keep "white knuckling" every single day until I cant anymore, hopefully things turn before then, its exhausting to live like this everyday, so draining. Keep in mind that everyone literally thinks i'm doing amazing and things look like that one the outside, i'm far from a disaster and actually very successful in my life.

[evad1]

Ive blown roughly 250,000$ on therapy, medication, and rehab.... given up, and exhausted all options. Im just hoping one day ill wake up and that feeling will be gone and things will feel like they did before 12/9/13. Just want this darkness to lift cause it makes ZERO sense why I feel this way. Ill keep "white knuckling" every single day until I cant anymore, hopefully things turn before then, its exhausting to live like this everyday, so draining. Keep in mind that everyone literally thinks i'm doing amazing and things look like that one the outside, i'm far from a disaster and actually very successful in my life.

 

Wow 25000!!!! I will say anytime you need to vent I'm definitely willing to listen I'm just saying that because I know sometimes venting even if it doesn't get you anywhere feels good.

[Quidam]

I was in the same situation than you not so long ago, 18 months after a break up ... mind you mine was dirty, lost the house, half the life with my daughter, things got messy. I now have to deal on top of the BU that I NEED to see her since she will be the mom of my girl for ever.

 

Now my advices, you think, act, write, like if at that moment you died. Every post you talk about the break up you date it time stamp it like it had a meaning like if this was The Moment in life. You are empowering the whole thing. My advice is to stop glorifying this moment and get over it since in the grand scheme of things:

 

You are only 25

She's just a girl

Its just a breakup

You can't die from it

You CAN learn and improve from it

 

 

Let go seriously fake it until you make it, act on it like it was just a moment and life went by... for 3 years. I know it sounds stupid but I was at the same place not so long ago where sitting on the pity potty was part of my routine, part of my day, part of my small talk with people I know. And then it hit me... she's just a girl:

 

1. You CAN live on your own and find happiness you actually need too

2. You CAN can train your brain the same way you trained those muscles into giving up on this... making this less of it.

 

Trust me at the end of the day, you haven't lost anything, you sure have learned a lot. Now stop setting yourself into a pattern train this mind to stop setting yourself into failure. I'm telling you at the end of the day you control the outcome and what you make of this story. Right now it became a part of who you are... and it should not

[evad1]

Or I just wanted to add onto that because sometimes I think it's not always that easy for everyone. You need to find something to throw yourself into.

 

Look at the news , create something, do anything but simply exist. You'll never feel happy that way.

 

I find that if you're too busy doing things that interest you. Even if you're not happy, you're too busy to stop and think about it. Eventually you'll keep growing until you are happy.

[bison67]

Im as busy as possible, I have an amazing job coaching junior hockey in canada (big deal here, its like our college football) we get an average of 4000 fans a night and I make great money. Usually work 70-80 hours a week so im pretty damn busy!

[evad1]

Im as busy as possible, I have an amazing job coaching junior hockey in canada (big deal here, its like our college football) we get an average of 4000 fans a night and I make great money. Usually work 70-80 hours a week so im pretty damn busy!

 

That's sounds very cool! Maybe you should slow down if possible to rediscover your self. You know you like hockey and other sports but is there anything else to discover about yourself? Maybe a experience you've never had before. I could go on and on but you gotta figure it out for self like the rest of us lol.

[bison67]

In this line of work time off = a lost career. I get about a month of in the summer but other than that its 70-80 hour work weeks and maybe 1-2 off days a month. No holidays ever. It is my life and also makes it really hard to meet quality women

[Quidam]

seriously I might ask ... why not moving on?