Can a breakup happen because of dumper being too "available" in the long-term?

[bbogdanov]

Hi, the story here will be long (whose one isn't anyway?) and english is not my native language, so excuse me in advance.

 

Friends of mine introduced me to that girl a long ago (March 2012). One beatufil day (or evening to be precise ) they told me they were going to get me out for a dinner and take with us a girl which they would introduce me to (we were both single at the time). So basically it was some kind of an "arranged" meeting. Nevertheless, we liked each other and started dating for a few weeks. Unfortunately, she had decided to work at a sea resort for the summer in order to save some money to open her dream business - a flower shop. She told me she liked me and would want to see what can a relationship with me turn out to be, but couldn't reject her arrangement for the summer so we had to just leave it like that and the future will eventually show what will happen. I offered her to give her the money she needed so she stays but she politely refused and we stopped contact. A month later i got into some kind of a long-distance relationship (don't ask me how or why ) and she got mad and deleted me from facebook. For an almost an year I was seeing that other girl, we visited each other every month for at least a full weekend, went together for a summer holiday at the sea, etc. but it didn't turn out to be healthy relationship and we broke up (February 2013). I was sad for several weeks and took some time to heal myself when I suddenly remembered about HER, the previous one, and decided to just add her as a friend on facebook (at the same date BTW, exactly one year later, what a coincidence ) to see what happens. Honestly, at that time I didn't have any expectations and wishes about "us" and I even felt somehow "guilty" towards her but thought it would be great if we at least are friends on facebook, who knows... We exchaged a couple of comments on each other's post, a couple of likes etc, nothing unusual for a social network. I didn't bother to message her as like I said - I didn't feel "well" doing it. Easter was coming so one day I posted a picture of our family Easter cakes (how stupid people here in eastern europe are ) and she liked that and sent me a message, joking if I would give her one of them. I said no problem, I will be glad to do that and we arranged a meeting. We met in front of a bus station and I was honestly just going to give her the cake and leave, exchanging few kind words before that of course, just like friends. Well, she surprised me when she invited me to a cafe but I accepted of course, I liked her and saw that she like me too. We talked about what had happened to each one during the previous year and had some nice conversation. We arranged several more dates in the month after and we become a couple eventually. Well, that was the beginning of the end (everything you read until now was basically not so interesting and not so conected to the topic title but I had to write it down).

 

We became romantic partners but somehow it felt too "easy" for me, although I didn't think about it at that time. I just used to make some "fight" for my previous girlfriends and now she just handed herself to me on a platter, I did not do anything to "win" her heart. Never mind, the first year, year and a half was happy for us, although some clash of opinions started to happen. She made a compromise with most of the things, though, as it appeared she loved me deeply. That just put strength to my opinion she is ready to do everything for me and she will always be there for me and I turned in the wrong direction. Somehow I took her for granted - all those months she was very submissive, although she is a very stubborn person in her life. Maybe her love towards me was stronger... I started to be extremely selfish and to want her to agree with everything. At the same time, I just didn't show her enough love, attention, commitment as I was living my life for myself, like I didn't have a partner. I was not taking into consideration anything that's not directly involving me. I became some kind of monster! Eventually she opened her dream business and the things got even harder. She was working for 12 hours a day and I found that extremely worrying and got angry. I wanted to share more time with her but she just had to develop the business and couldn't offer me her time. I wanted to go on holidays, to share some time travelling, going out etc. As time passed by I was getting angrier and angrier. We were constantly fighting about her job (and about some other things as well) to the point that I told her to choose - her job or me (February 2016). She told me she can't do anything for the moment about her job and I had no choice but to leave, I was just not happy enough and was totally p----d off! We were separated for a month when she contacted me and invited me to go out and have a conversation. I had thought a lot in that month and decided I am not right to behave like that and she was more important and I would try to give it another go. We got back together and everything was fine in the beginning. She stopped working at least on Sundays (not because of me) and we had some nice holidays through the summer but the autumn offered bitterness again. I had not taken my "lessons" and I continued neglecting her, fighting with her for some small things, ignoring her for days when we were angry at each other to the point that one day in December she told me it's over. She no longer had feelings for me, she no longer loved me, she was completely unhappy and disappointed... No need to tell I made all classic mistakes after that - begged, pleaded, told her I would change etc. but nothing was of any help. Now I am heartbroken and alone, totally deserving it! I knew I was behaving bad all this time yet I continued doing it. I made her cry many times because of my words or actions yet I made it again and again...

 

I just CANNOT recognize that "me"! What happened?? I have always been romantic, kind to women, making gifts, giving attention etc. Just not with that girl, although maybe she was the one who deserved that most compared to my previous girfriends!

 

I DON'T want to justify my actions, I have taken my lessons from that relationship, I was horrible partner, I was a monster!

 

Just was wondering one thing - do you think that behaviour of hers from the beginning was a predisposing factor for my actions? Like if she was "harder" on me, if she didn't agree with most of the things, if she stood her points I would not take her for granted and not neglect her?

[Wiseman2]

No, no one causes you to 'be a monster'. She's responsible for her actions and reactions and you are responsible for yours. If a partner is a doormat and unappealing as a result, then you break up with them, it's not a license to "be a horrible partner".

I was horrible partner, I was a monster!do you think that behaviour of hers from the beginning was a predisposing factor for my actions? Like if she was "harder" on me, if she didn't agree with most of the things, if she stood her points I would not take her for granted and not neglect her?

[DancingFool]

Nobody is responsible for your actions and behavior but you. Her being kind to you didn't make you a monster and it certainly wasn't her job and responsibility to discipline you like some kid when you were acting like a jerk. It's all completely on you and now you have your consequences. She got fed up and she was honest with you that she no longer feels anything for you. When she had enough, she did what any sane adult will do - dump you and move on. You've shown her that nothing will change with your nasty behavior and changing, not changing, acting out, etc - all on you. She can't fix you and she correctly didn't try.

[JoyfulCompany]

Hi,

 

I read your story and your previous thread and actually - all of your other posts here. I'll be very honest and straightforward with you.

You sound like a very confused and a totally immature guy.

 

You've acted like a complete jerk with that girl while you were together. Now you're asking if she provoked it? Start taking responsibility for your actions. No, she didn't provoke it - you blew it. Deal with it and learn from it.

 

Your case is the classic ego sting. Couldn't care less for what you had for more than three years but the moment she wanted out - you started with the begging and pleading. I read you blocked her but you're sending flowers to her workplace tomorrow?! If you do have any love and respect for her - take into account her wish and, please, leave the poor girl alone. And really take the time to work on yourself. Going out with friends for a couple of months and feeling better doesn't mean you've changed. I saw you were calling her a "b---h" in one of the group threads and I got pissed off. Seriously - she quits putting up with your s**t for her own good and that makes her a "b---h"?! How could she?! I think this shows exactly how much you've changed. Z-E-R-O. If you truly love someone, even when you hurt, you don't use ill words towards them. Period.

 

I am tired of hurting myself, if that b---h wants me back, she will have to go really hard for it! Let her burn in hell!

Well, maybe she's tired of hurting herself, too, by being with you. Don't you see?

 

You need some serious, SERIOUS work on yourself, dude! You don't sound stupid but you're obnoxiously selfish and, I'll repeat myself - quite immature. Approaching your 30's with the mindset of a 20 year old...

I hope this break up becomes a reason for you to really grow!

[bbogdanov]

I appreciate your opinions! No need to attack me like that. I said honestly how I behaved, I knew it even then! Just don't know how could I do that? I've never been that bad to a girl before - in fact I was the opposite with my previous girlfriends! Just asking some answers in order to realize some things about myself, as I said - I don't seek justification or something like that. I know I've been wrong and I am taking the whole responsibility for the breakup, even when all people say when a couple breaks up both are responsible. I was just curious about this point of view, strange point really but... Don't take my ill words seriously, just a moment of affect, like some kind of boost for me to feel a little better. Never mind, thanks again for the answers! A man can always learn something new about himself!

[MissCanuck]

You're not mature enough for her.

 

Time to grow up and really start behaving like a man.

[bbogdanov]

Could be! That's why I am asking for opinions. As you see at least I am trying to learn something new, no matter the fact I am immature, have issues, don't behave well etc.

[mbee]

I've always been the girl in this situation, so I can really relate to this. My last boyfriend sounds similar to you and I was in a 2 year relationship relationship 10 years ago with a guy who treated me the same. As much as it sucks to hear, you do sound immature and have a bit more growing up to do. Part of growth is accepting we are not perfect and working on our mistakes.

 

My first ex of 2 years treated me similar to how you treated your last girlfriend. When we broke up, and I refused to take him back, he spent the next 3-4 years figuring himself out and becoming a better person. Now he's a much better boyfriend to the women in his life and ironically, he's a great friend to me. I would not get back together with him, but he's made up for his crappy behavior by working on himself and doing the right thing for other women in his life. And ironically, he's always there for me now, as a friend, even though he was not like that when we were in a relationship. Also he's the first to tell me that when any guy treats me like that, I need to get out so that the guy can work on himself because there is NO EXCUSE to treat a partner badly and to neglect your partner.

 

It's good you are self-reflecting. Clearly you want to know what happened and that's part of the process. Now it's time to learn from your mistakes and work on being a better person. It's not because she's too available or because she was too kind or too whatever. I've dated guys who came off as too available and clingy, and did the right thing and ended it with them because it was too much. So work on whatever it is within you that caused you to mistreat someone who only showed you kindness. Doesn't mean you are a terrible person, just means you have some growing up to do.

[bbogdanov]

Well, that opinion was also great to hear! Thank you for it! I really know how bad I behaved, I knew it even back then, just didn't do anything to change it. I really think I've been immature, but hope to grow up at least a bit with this experience.