Jump to content

Thank you to everyone out here....


Recommended Posts

Backstory: I dated my friend of 10 years and upstairs neighbor for 9 months until the middle of summer last year. Through my over pursuit, needy behavior, giving too many gifts and other tactical mistakes - she pulled away. We mutually decided to end it. She started dating a guy a month later. I got to found out about this by her parading the new guy in front of me the night she brought him home for the first time. Needless to say, I freaked out and lost all emotional control for about 4 months. I went into depression, had anxiety attacks and could not center myself emotionally for more than a day or two.

 

My ex is still with her new guy and apparently the relationship has resulted in her travelling across the country with him to meet his family after dating for roughly six months. Ironically, after nine months with me, she wouldn't even fly down to Mexico with me for a getaway. It just confirms that she never saw me as someone who was worth investing in.

 

As for my place, its been a source of pain due to the fact that I always knew when she was home, at his place or when he was sleeping over. My "no contact" just meant looking out my window every night to see who's car was out there or checking her FB profile. It became a monster that I couldn't control in my mind. My therapist helped me explore the damage I was doing to myself by prolonging this state of "narcissistic injury". While I don't fit the definition of a narcissist, the way my ego was damaged (due to not letting go of a fantasy of reconciliation with her and struggling with how she moved on) does fit the diagnosis.

 

I've only spoken to her once on NYE where she wished me a "Happy New Year" in passing and I returned the comment -- no conversation. I jumped in my car and drove off to a party.

 

So I worked on myself: Went to therapy, lost 30lbs, bought a new house (was an additional form of "hell on earth") and took a new role at work. Found my faith and started going to church again. (which really helped).

 

Last night, I finished all the final cleaning and purging of old "man cave" items that I no longer need as an adult. I took one last look around the place, said good bye to it and locked up. My last "act" there was to take a receipt from Tiffany's for a sterling silver ring that I bought her for Christmas last year and tore it up and threw it in the trash. I took one last look at the window of my old place and drove out with a smile on my face.

 

 

Today: I'm handing in the keys to the apartment this morning and its a strange feeling. I know that I'm starting a new chapter in my life but the "bitter sweetness" of it all is really overwhelming today.

 

So as I hand in the keys, I believe that this will give me the "closure" as I will no longer be sleeping under the bedroom where my heart was broken. The new house is nice. I've started a new relationship (although I'm dubious that it will last) and I'm looking for a new job and challenges.

 

I'd like to thank all of you who have responded to many of my own posts. One thing that I have gotten out of this site is a bit of happiness by trying to respond positively but objectively to others who are going through what I'm just emerging from

 

Its a long, hard road to go down. Do the work on yourself to get to where you want to be. Friends, family and therapy can help --- but YOU have do the work. No one can truly fix you except for you! The more that you know this, take the time to embrace your feelings, find new outlets for expression or self-improvement -- the sooner you will get to that light at the end of your tunnel.

 

I'm no one special but I'm doing the work to be better man for my family, friends and the next woman in my life. This painful experience came to me later in life but I'm sure that it hurt just as much.

 

Thank you all for helping me find my new strength, sense of purpose and knowledge of where I want to go in life. I'll be out here for anyone who needs someone to vent....

 

God Bless You All,

 

The "Once" Shattered Man

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Distantearth: We all have to deal with these a little differently. It took

 

1) Time - with those who truly care about me, time with myself to read a lot of self-improvement books

2) Distance - from her (which I'm only truly now getting)

3) Self-improvement efforts - gym: cardio, weight lifting. The downstream effect is emotional control and self-reflection which helps with depression and anxiety.

4) The courage to date other people despite being an emotional basket case (Which I know isn't fair to someone that you are starting date but all you can do is ask for forgiveness)

5) Therapy - This helped me identify things about myself in terms of personality, my history which shaped who I today and why I make decisions.

6) Acknowledge and accept what and who you are, the roles that you played in past relationships that didn't work ---and learn to forgive yourself for what you did and what you allowed others to do to you....(Not easy, painful)

7) Find things to take the space in your mind and heart that you gave to your ex. For me, I re-established my faith, old workout habits, renewed old relationships with old friends that I had let fizzle.

8) Be thankful and empathetic. - As it says in the Good Book: "I cried because I had no shoes....until I met a man who had no feet". I'm pretty damned lucky to have family and friends who stood by me. Also, met a lot of other people that are currently struggling and I found a new purpose in being a supportive friend to them.

9) We are all imperfect beings with some form of damage and baggage. Don't let it define who you are! --- Challenge yourself to be better than you were yesterday in some small way. Everyday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow -- that does seem like a special kind of hell! The difficulty of seeing her with her new partner on such a regular and intimate basis, if you were still into her? Just wow. I was just feeling grateful today for not having Facebook so I'm not even tempted to 'narcissistic-injure' myself (ok, I didn't have that language, thanks for that!), or bound to come across accidentally, my ex's new relationship. And that's FB!

 

I commend you for being able to bootstrap yourself. You sound like you're in a good place -- congratulations!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So getting off of FB seems to be really helping, especially today. While it isn't "emotionally cheating" technically, every time I check her page I get heart burn and anxiety due to the feelings that are still hurt.

 

My new dilemma is when/how to tell the girl I'm dating about why I'm not on FB anymore. I feel guilty about withholding this information from her. Matter of fact, I think its just as bad as lying and I feel like an a-hole for not being able to tell her this.

 

On the other hand, its allowing me to concentrate on our new relationship rather than the damage from my breakup that I've brought along with me. In doing so, I'm healing and through her, I'm growing.

 

I assume that I will eventually go back out there one day when I'm more emotionally stable.

 

Any suggestions?

Edited by ShatteredMan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a very hard question and only you have the answer. Actually there's one poster in ENA that shared his story as his ex used him as a "rebound" as she never told him that she just got out of a relationship when they started dating. I'm not saying that you are using her as a rebound but is obvious that you still have some feelings for your ex. If you want my true opinion, I don't agree with being in a relationship while you are improving on yourself, especially hiding information to this person and also is not fair for that person. At least I'll be honest.

 

Good luck and congrats for getting this far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So getting off of FB seems to be really helping, especially today. While it isn't "emotionally cheating" technically, every time I check her page I get heart burn and anxiety due to the feelings that are still hurt.

 

My new dilemma is when/how to tell the girl I'm dating about why I'm not on FB anymore. I feel guilty about withholding this information from her. Matter of fact, I think its just as bad as lying and I feel like an a-hole for not being able to tell her this.

 

On the other hand, its allowing me to concentrate on our new relationship rather than the damage from my breakup that I've brought along with me. In doing so, I'm healing and through her, I'm growing.

 

I assume that I will eventually go back out there one day when I'm more emotionally stable.

 

Any suggestions?

I think that saying you don't enjoy using fb right now is honest enough. Why not unfriend and block the ex? Or at the very least unfollow? Man first thing I did was block him on fb for my own protection (so I wouldn't check his profile) and I'm super happy about that decision. I love fb, not on it constantly or anything but it's def my morning news and lunch break. I'd never give it up for a crappy ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that saying you don't enjoy using fb right now is honest enough. Why not unfriend and block the ex? Or at the very least unfollow? Man first thing I did was block him on fb for my own protection (so I wouldn't check his profile) and I'm super happy about that decision. I love fb, not on it constantly or anything but it's def my morning news and lunch break. I'd never give it up for a crappy ex.

 

Katara, maybe this is the time to do a social media detox. I agree with him. Theres lot of things you can do instead of creeping on your ex profile. Working out, reading a book, watching a serie. The point is to detox yourself from social media. After I ended my relationship with my ex I started using fb more and more to the point that Was the first thing I do when waking up in the morning. I can use that extra 10 mins to get in on time to work or do yoga. The point is to get off social media. Is not bad to use it but make it your hobbie is it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Katara, maybe this is the time to do a social media detox. I agree with him. Theres lot of things you can do instead of creeping on your ex profile. Working out, reading a book, watching a serie. The point is to detox yourself from social media. After I ended my relationship with my ex I started using fb more and more to the point that Was the first thing I do when waking up in the morning. I can use that extra 10 mins to get in on time to work or do yoga. The point is to get off social media. Is not bad to use it but make it your hobbie is it.

 

I think you misunderstood. I have had my ex blocked on fb / social media for 6 months (since the original breakup). This was to remove the temptation to check on him and the possibility that he is checking me. I have also blocked anyone I suspect he is involved with and my profile is locked down super tight. I have never unblocked him. Best thing I ever did.

 

I don't stalk my ex at all. I don't want to know what he's doing. I don't want him to have a reason to think about me. I avoid him and try to stay off his radar. My ex is not a normal ex. He is sick in the head and I'm afraid of him. He has threatened me physically and professionally.

 

And I literally check my fb in the morning and on my lunch break. It's not a hobby. I'm old lol. I had a life before fb. But I do love it, and I wouldn't give it up for my ex. If op wants to, that's for him to decide. FB is nothing special. But if you're avoiding fb because of your ex, welllll....... remove the ex! So many posts i read where ppl leave their exes on fb then cry about the ex being on fb. It's the easiest step in a breakup.

Edited by katara42
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's a control thing. For me, it's just easier to remove the temptation through isolation of a painful trigger.

 

Since going cold turkey, I've been able to stay more centered emotionally and I'm able to concentrate on other more productive things.

 

It may be a drastic me sure but in this case, "the ends justify the means".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's a control thing. For me, it's just easier to remove the temptation through isolation of a painful trigger.

 

Since going cold turkey, I've been able to stay more centered emotionally and I'm able to concentrate on other more productive things.

 

It may be a drastic me sure but in this case, "the ends justify the means".

I think that during a breakup you should do whatever feels best. Use fb / don't use fb, whatever feels best.

 

If you are looking for advice, which you were, my advice was that you could tell your new interest that you don't use fb these days if the subject comes up. You don't have to go into great detail or make a big thing out of it. "Yes I'm on fb but I'm not on there much / just use it now and then to see friends pictures / taking a break from it" that sort of thing.

 

I do strongly advocate blocking or unfriending your ex on fb especially if you're having such strong reactions. It's kind to yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^ Agree with you Katara. Another thing is that half the content on FB is Trump bashing/loving and other people trashing others for their view points. Its a lot of negativity that is getting old to me at this point.

 

If you're going to move forward with your life and try to be part of someone else's, both of you deserve the cleanest slate possible and its not fair to the other person if you're creeping your exes on social media. Its just better to put it away and revisit it down the road when its not going to be a problem and misplaced emotional ties are not being maintained through the use of social media.

 

Plus, I'd rather be out her chatting with y'all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I def know that for my next relationship I won't date someone that is more interested in social media than our relationship. For ex. Going out and being on the damn phone all the time and taking pictures, selfies, videos as my ex used to.

 

Read this.. Talks about the link between narcissism and those who obsessively take "selfies".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So the rebound is over. Honestly, neither one of us were feeling the pull on the heart strings. It turned out that I was her rebound as well and it doesn't bother me as there was very little emotional attachment.

 

We had an honest conversation: Agreed that we were pretty far apart on politics, stance on social issues, future goals and expectations. I think it ended as amicably as it could have.

 

Moving forward, I've fired up the dating profile but I'm not going looking for someone right now. I've got a new house (that it seems all of the appliances have conspired to fail systematically against me), I'm going for a new role at work, I'm re-dedicating myself to more time in the gym, taking some cooking classes (I want to "Beat Bobby Flay" one day!), etc.

 

What's really funny is that I don't feel "lonely". I'm still going to avoid FB like a disease.

 

Thank you again for all the kind assessments, advice and positive notes out here. They meant a lot during my dark days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've seen your screen name throughout the forums and it's good to see that you are doing well. I'm two months into my break up and I can feel myself getting better. I still miss her from time to time. Friends and family are trying to set me up with other women but I'm just not there mentally yet. I'm not sure how long it will be until I'm ready but I feel that it's not fair to the next person I may meet and I definitely don't need to tell my sob story to anyone else. I'm really looking forward to that moment when I no longer feel lonely and happy to be single again. It's still a work in progress. Thanks for your post and this site has also helped me during the most diffult time in my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So the rebound is over. Honestly, neither one of us were feeling the pull on the heart strings. It turned out that I was her rebound as well and it doesn't bother me as there was very little emotional attachment.

 

We had an honest conversation: Agreed that we were pretty far apart on politics, stance on social issues, future goals and expectations. I think it ended as amicably as it could have.

 

Moving forward, I've fired up the dating profile but I'm not going looking for someone right now. I've got a new house (that it seems all of the appliances have conspired to fail systematically against me), I'm going for a new role at work, I'm re-dedicating myself to more time in the gym, taking some cooking classes (I want to "Beat Bobby Flay" one day!), etc.

 

What's really funny is that I don't feel "lonely". I'm still going to avoid FB like a disease.

 

Thank you again for all the kind assessments, advice and positive notes out here. They meant a lot during my dark days.

 

Great. Now time to focus on you. I followed your advice and I don't feel the urge to be on social media as before. I'm slowly disconnecting myself from that disease.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've seen your screen name throughout the forums and it's good to see that you are doing well. I'm two months into my break up and I can feel myself getting better. I still miss her from time to time. Friends and family are trying to set me up with other women but I'm just not there mentally yet. I'm not sure how long it will be until I'm ready but I feel that it's not fair to the next person I may meet and I definitely don't need to tell my sob story to anyone else. I'm really looking forward to that moment when I no longer feel lonely and happy to be single again. It's still a work in progress. Thanks for your post and this site has also helped me during the most difficult time in my life.

 

I'm glad you're doing well, Bob. It does make me feel good when others are pushing through swamp of heartbreak and pain that many of us have after such an emotionally traumatic experience. I believe that I've put links on some of my responses to other posts . This may not make anyone feel better instantly, but at least you know you're not alone and that the pain you're feeling is a natural reaction to what has happened.

 

I know what you mean about being fair to the next person. I went with the "buckshot" approach to dating every single woman I could in the hopes that it would expedite the healing process. It did nothing because I wasn't ready in my mind or heart. One of my friends said, "You could meet the perfect woman tomorrow and you wouldn't know it or how to approach a serious relationship with her in the state you're in..." and they were right!

 

Eventually, one of the women that I was dating started to grow on me, but still my mind was on my ex. I'm not proud of this and I realize that it was sleazy of me to use her as a rebound.....just like my ex had done to me! It wasn't fair to her and it didn't help me as much as I thought it would. At least we were both honest with each other when we realized that neither of us were having our heartstrings pulled by the other. It was an easy choice to part ways and I sincerely want her to find someone that will make her happier than I could due to being more compatible and emotionally available.

 

As I've said, now that I've done what I've done, made progress in certain areas, regained much of my emotional stability through some of the activities and strategies that I've talked about, my world is lot brighter. For many of us, our pain is temporarily defining who we are at this moment in time. There comes a time where we are tired of this pain and agony, make decisions to release/replace it with positive things/people/activities (hopefully!) and in doing so, give more value to these items than to what is consuming us.

 

Thanks again to all of you. Stay strong and positive when everything seems to be falling apart or conspiring against you. Better things are coming for all of us.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How are you doing now?

 

If this is directed at me....

 

I'm more comfortable being alone. This is not a bad thing. I don't think about her very often due to the removal of social media from my life.

 

The few times I've been out on FB, no urge to look at her profile. No urges to drive by her hangouts to see if her (or the new guy's) car are there. Matter of fact, while I'm only a few miles away, I've had one time where I got in the car to cruise by one of our old hangouts. As I started the car, I said to myself, "Why am I doing this? How is this going to benefit me? Will it bring her back? No it won't.....". That was about a month ago.

 

As a result of being more comfortable being on my own and concentrating on things that make me feel like I'm progressing in my own self-development, I've gotten a hit on my dating profile from a girl that I was nuts about years ago. We've connected but she's not given me a time that she's ready to meet up. That's okay. I've got other things going on and maybe I'll hear from her later. Maybe she'll meet the man of her dreams somewhere tonight and that's okay too.

 

This is a big town and there's another bus every 15 minutes.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 7 months later...

UPDATE: I've bumped into my ex a few times over the last month or so at a local park where we both jog. The last time I bumped into her, we had a conversation for about 30 minutes. I suggested that she let me know if she was available to catch up sometime in the near future. She seemed agreeable to this.

 

About a week later, I let her know a day before that I was going to go jog and invited her to come along. She didn't give a resounding committment and then the next day cited a rough day at work as a reason not to meet up and said she'd rather meet up for a drink. I told her I was going anyway and if she changed her mind, she knew where to find me. She thanked me for being understanding....

 

A week later, I got a nice happy birthday text from her. As much as I wanted to reply with a nice letter and an inquiry to see if she was available to meet up, I left it at, "Thank you very much!".

 

I haven't heard from her in two weeks and at this point, I think I've finally put this to rest. Again, I've shutdown my facebook account (massive help) and deleted her out of my phone again.

 

In summary, I truly have reached a brighter place where I've forgiven her for the pain I went through and I hope she finds whatever she's looking for.

 

 

 

Per this thread, every time I thought I'd gotten over her and past this situation, but throughout the year, I would eventually start ruminating every time some other thing that was happening in my life seemed hopeless and out of control. I think that because I felt like I was failing at some other aspect of my life and for some reason, my mind would say, "Why don't you see if she's single again and reach out?" or "I'll bet she's now realized what a chump that guy was that she moved on with and she's missing you!" and other things. I'd start rationalizing reasons as to why enough time had passed that she would probably see me in a different light, and so on and so forth....

 

As usual, I'd start looking for threads full of examples of people who got back together with an ex after some amount of time. This would start fanning the burning embers of false hope of reconciliation and eventually (about a few hours, really) get them burning again like throwing gas onto a dying fire. I'd log back into Facebook, look for new pics of her and keep doing that for a few days. Eventually, I'd get myself under control emotionally, bring myself back from Fantasyland and get back to real life.

 

So now, the false hope that was rekindled is out. I've reserved myself to the reality that if she wanted me back in her life, I'd be hearing from her....plain and simple.

 

I've forgiven her for the pain she caused me but I'll never forget it. In a way, I guess I should thank her because that emotional hell made me so much stronger through educating myself about relationships, going to therapy (and doing the work!), journaling (a huge thing!),going to church (something I thought would never happen), changing how I worked out, changing my diet, getting a new, more challenging role at work, a new house....etc, etc.

 

I know that I've thrown a lot of "Go No Contact" and "stay off of Facebook/social media" and I must come off sounding like a fraud through this admission of not following this advice with strength and conviction that is needed to make it work. As a result, it took a longer time than I would have expected but I'm doing these two key things for the foreseeable future but this time, it doesn't seem like trying to scale a mountain. It seems more like going to Costco on a Saturday, which isn't easy but you know that you'll be fine once you get home and things are settled down....

 

I hope that those of you who are starting or are in the middle of your painful journey, don't lose hope. As I've said countless times out here, your light at the end of the tunnel is coming but you have to be ready for it and have prepared yourself through self-reflection, hard work and all the things you have to either rebuild or improve yourself into something that the next great person who walks into your life will want.

 

You can do this. Once you do, you will be glad you went through the pain, did the work and got to where you will be when your world is where it needs to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...