Aversion to holidays

[xor90]

My bf doesn't enjoy celebrating holidays of any kind -- Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc. Especially so if someone gives him a gift. He told me he doesn't enjoy the reciprocation aspect of it, and feels obligated to give them something in return. Basically, holidays are an inconvenience to him. He simply doesn't gain any enjoyment in them because he doesn't see a point to it. He has made it clear that he doesn't want to celebrate holidays of any kind, especially his birthday, yet I found it very hard to pretend all day long that I find nothing special about the date of his existence. He didn't, and ignored mine completely. In fact, he ignored me completely. It was the one day where he made an actual effort to stand by this. Usually he just grits his teeth and endures people during the holidays. We did far less together on my birthday than we would on a normal day. He spent the majority of his time playing online games with his friends for the entire weekend I was there. So I spent my time just watching him, which I usually have no issues doing, but after the first 7+ hours I would grow agitated and bored. He expressed that he wanted to play with his friends, and had no interest in doing anything with me, so I would leave his house everyday that weekend to find something to do to occupy my time. This is something I've never done before or since. His parents had invited me for dinner that day to celebrate, but we didn't end up going because my boyfriend didn't want to. The time we spent together was strictly meals and sex. Usually he makes sure I get off, but during that particular weekend, once he was done, that was it. I'd expressed interest that I wanted to get off, and he blatantly refused, saying he would rather smoke, and I didn't bother asking again. It would've been a hassle for both of us. The way he had treated me, I would've simply walked out and left except the gas to get down there in the first place was expensive and would've been a waste of money. Needless to say, after that weekend everything was "back to normal". It hit him two weeks later, out of the blue and on a hunch, he called me from work crying, apologizing for how badly messed up my birthday. To understand the gravity of this, know that I've only heard him cry once the entire 8 months we've been together. He's more than made it up to me. He's kind of a mathematical genius, so he's logistically brilliant but has virtually no social abilities whatsoever. Meaning he genuinely has no idea what he's supposed to do. This is something I knew might happen walking into the relationship. But now that Valentine's Day is approaching I fear this behavior may repeat itself. What do you think I should do if it does?

[annie24]

I think you should tell him what you want to do on Valentine's day. Don't wait for him to plan anything. You make the plans and tell him when to show up. Tell him it would really make you happy. If he complains about it, maybe reconsider if this is something you consider a deal breaker.

[Scoe141]

You need to ask yourself what's important to you and your relationships. If enjoying holidays and having someone do thoughtful things for you, is a deal breaker then perhaps he isn't the one for you. But only you can decide that.

 

Also, you shouldn't force someone to conform to your standards. And by the sounds of it, he sounds pretty self absorbed, inconsiderate and absolutely oblivious to that. Or perhaps he just has no clue how to act in a relationship. Either way, you shouldn't have to coach him on relationship etiquette. But if you do and want then it's going to be a long road with a lot of bumps and disappointment along the way.

 

Good luck.

[indea08]

Honestly, he sounds like he may have some form of ausperger's or something. How can he seriously not understand to be nice to someone on their birthday.

 

I would've walked away on your birthday. But it's up to you, how bad do you want to be with him?

[Seraphim]

Honestly, he sounds like he may have some form of ausperger's or something. How can he seriously not understand to be nice to someone on their birthday.

 

I would've walked away on your birthday. But it's up to you, how bad do you want to be with him?

 

Many people with Aspergers enjoy holidays. My son loves Christmas and giving.

[Seraphim]

If you personally enjoy the holidays I would ditch this relationship because it won't get better . If you had kids together what he ignore them too on their birthday?

[jujusamples]

You two are just not compatible! You have different beliefs. Holidays is important to some people and not to others. You either can accept the way he is or you don't. It sounds to me that holidays are important to you, so in the long term, you will be more and more unhappy because holidays are always going to keep approaching.

 

Ask yourself, how much longer could you put up with his obliviousness to holidays? Is it not better to find someone whom has the same beliefs as you? I know it would drive me nuts if my husband doesn't acknowledged my birthday. It's your call in the end, but I hope you give it some serious thought.

[notalady]

I don't think it's about celebrating holidays and birthdays. He's selfish and disrespectful, based on how he treated you on your birthday, basically deliberately going out of his way to make it miserable for you.

 

So, sure, if you don't like celebrating holidays and birthday, you can still have a nice time together doing whatever you normally do as a couple and that can be nice. A lot of people I know are not that into celebrating birthdays (especially as you get older, you just don't really care about it anymore) and some holidays (Valentine's Day being particularly one that I know a lot of people don't celebrate), doesn't mean they will go out of their way to ignore each other and make sure they have lousy sex, just to prove a point (which I don't even know what it is), do you see how ridiculous that sounds?

 

Lack of social skills is to put it lightly.

 

You are majorly incompatible, and frankly, I don't know any woman would be compatible with him unless they are equally hateful of holidays, celebrations, and like to ignore their partner during these times.

 

There's no point being afraid of it happening again, know that it WILL happen again, in whatever shape or form, that is inconsistent to your expectations. Quit expecting anything from him, because it won't happen.

 

It's ultimately up to you if you can accept this is who he is, or not. I don't know many who would.

[MissCanuck]

He sounds like a brat, OP.

 

It's one thing to not love holidays, but he's very immature and disrespectful about it. He knows what's expected of him, which is why he does everything he can to shut down all of your expectations surrounding these events. So don't believe for a minute he's clueless. He isn't.

 

It's essentially his way or the highway, and the way he conducts himself would not work for me. Think about it: he deliberately behaved like a jerk to you. And this is the guy who is supposed to be your boyfriend?

 

I'd next him, honestly.

[Iggy5129]

The holiday thing sucks we can all agree. But you spend a lot of time sitting around watching him play video games?? Is he 17?? That sounds so boring. And he sounds selfish and rude. Not sure why you want to be with someone so inconsiderate.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to maintain your own standards and enjoy celebrations and holiday with your friends and family rather than hang around tolerating low-quality time watching him play games. How old is he? Does he live with his parents?

 

You are clearly spending way too much random useless time with him. Do not make him the center of your existence like this.

 

Make sure you have your own activities, hobbies, events, school, work, clubs, groups, interests, etc to focus on. Do that instead of just hang around there aimlessly being ignored.

 

It sounds like he wants fwb/hookups and you believe you are dating or in a relationship. This isn't about holidays, it's about lack of interest.

 

Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? it may help you sort out situations like this and who is wasting your time and who is actually interested in you. spent the majority of his time playing online games with his friends for the entire weekend I was there. So I spent my time just watching him, which I usually have no issues doing, but after the first 7+ hours I would grow agitated and bored.

 

The time we spent together was strictly meals and sex. Usually he makes sure I get off, but during that particular weekend, once he was done, that was it. I'd expressed interest that I wanted to get off, and he blatantly refused, saying he would rather smoke.

[tattoobunnie]

After another year or two of dealing with the opposite of generous guy who you don't share the same beliefs or traditions with, you will be so annoyed with him and completely unhappy. No one needs someone this ungrateful in their lives.

 

God, imagine your kids being selfish, and anti-holiday, anti-celebration...ugh.

[Wiseman2]

Invest that money in a vibrator. At least you don't have to stick around for this nonsense.

Usually he makes sure I get off, but during that particular weekend, once he was done, that was it. I'd expressed interest that I wanted to get off, and he blatantly refused, saying he would rather smoke.

 

The way he had treated me, I would've simply walked out and left except the gas to get down there in the first place was expensive and would've been a waste of money.

[LilyVanilly]

there are things you can do that will not feel Valentiny but yet might feel like doing something. here's some ideas....

buzzfeed.com/gorzauni/romance-is-dead-anti-valentines-day-ideas-for-c-2sfg0

 

is there something he likes but doesn't get to do often? this might be your chance...