Attractive colleague; How to approach

[Lucha]

Hi everyone!

 

I am back for your advice. For the first time in a over a year I have developed an interest in someone and don't know how to proceed.

 

Background information: I'm a 28 y.o. Lesbian woman, had a hard breakup three years ago, some short dating experiences after that, have been single for around 15 months now and had a really hard year last year: mother's health issues (which in fact I received relatively bad news about yesterday, she has a benign tumor in her ear and probably has to undergo surgery), father'/ health issues, had my own health issues (nothing major), a dating experience that ended in a big dissapointment when the girl chose someone else, decided not to date for a while, my young pet died suddenly,... So there has been a dark cloud over 2016 and still overshadowinf the current time. I have been working myself with a psychotherapist to process the past few years and this helped tremendously. I was in fact okay with not dating anyone, and that was new to me.

 

Situation now: due to the above situation, For a long time I felt no-one could catch my interest. And i was eventually okay with that. I felt like I had been hurt too many times to be receptive for any more connections. The past year I have lived a fairly isolated, non-dating life focused on career. I am a medical doctor doing a specialty in psychiatry.

Now, I have started to work in a new place last week (we have to change every six months) and there is this really charming Italian female physiotherapist also working there. She vividly and very friendly introduced herself the first day and I was charmed in an instant.

 

Confused by my apparent ability to still experience feelings of attraction I am contemplating what I will do with these feelings. I in fact looked her up on facebook and the brief visible public information showed she is into woman too!

It is a delicate matter however since I am a doctor in this department and she is a team member, so a certain hierarchy is to be expected.

 

For all I know the woman (who is a few years older than me) might be married or dating or not even interested at all, but I'm hoping to find out and wondering how to do this in a subtle, not too vulnerable manner.

 

PS: I am well aware my new discovered attraction to this woman could reflect my own still vulnerable mental state and codependency, however as stated above I really think I have worked a long way through my issues and this interest I have in her is genuine.

 

Any advice would be great.

[gebaird]

If you are changing assignments every 6 months, I would simply be friendly and kind and wait until the end of the 6 months to approach her. That way if she is uninterested, the awkwardness will be minimized, and if she IS interested, the doctor/team member dynamic won't be an issue for very long.

[Wiseman2]

Since you are colleagues, friend her on fb to find out more about her. Also try to have some lunch or coffee breaks together. As you mention, at this point all you know is she impressed you, but you don't know much about her personal life.

I in fact looked her up on facebook and the brief visible public information showed she is into woman too!

[Matt3939]

Sounds like you are fantasizing this person. I'd just try to get to know them better.

[abitbroken]

Nope. She is a coworker. Friendship only. It is very awkward to be on the receiving end of attraction in the workplace. Just don't.

[Lucha]

Nope. She is a coworker. Friendship only. It is very awkward to be on the receiving end of attraction in the workplace. Just don't.

 

Is it always inappropriate to flirt with a coworker even if the interest is mutual? I agree that I should not go hitting on her straight away but I thought maybe to get to know her better and she if she is open for it.

[Lucha]

Since you are colleagues, friend her on fb to find out more about her. Also try to have some lunch or coffee breaks together. As you mention, at this point all you know is she impressed you, but you don't know much about her personal life.

 

That's definitely true. I'm thinking friending might be a bit too soon though. We haven't really had a good conversation yet, just exchanged professional talk and glances.

[RainyCoast]

be very very careful at the workplace. it's not that it is "always inappropriate to approach the coworker" because of the coworker themselves. you're in psychiatry? great, think of it from a systemic perspective- it can get messy.

 

just tread carefully.

 

also, i don't want to spread stereotypes, but i work with Italians a lot...

this:

She vividly and very friendly introduced herself the first day and I was charmed in an instant.

is sometimes just "being Italian", so make sure you get more explicit signals before you interpret it as romantic interest. They can be very lively, friendly, and in Italy, giving strangers compliments is considered common courtesy. I used to sell bread and pastries when i was putting myself through uni and these italian customers would stop to tell you thanks a million gorgeous, or wow you have beautiful eyes, etc. men and women alike. "gorgeous, beautiful, dear and darling" are generously attributed to people. if she confuses you, try to get very specific signs that she is flirting.

[IAmFCA]

I have to weigh in here because I work in a role that mingles social and professional, and where men are more numerous than women by a long shot. Like a sales role wherein we often go to sporting events, or I ask people to breakfast lunch dinner or drinks, etc. Also, my clients are often individual roles. A CEO sometimes has to meet separately. It isnt like I am taking a team to lunch, but I try for that when I can.

 

I am an extroverted, attractive to some, vivacious woman. Nobody, and I mean nobody, crosses my boundary. I am not flirted with, asked out, or otherwise approached for a personal connection. And I am thankful for it, because if I had to tone down my personality, I would reduce my ability to compete. Men can use their large social personalities to their advantage. I expect, require and assert my ability to do the same. I assert my ability to be me in part by being willfully ignorant of whether others view me in a sexual context. Its just not my concern.

 

At work, we are obligated to be in one anothers company and we invest in one another for professional reasons as well as social ones. We don't take advantage of that familiarity to advance our personal interests. We don't ask each other out on dates, because it isn't fair. We don't have the same flexibility to create boundaries as we have in other social contexts.

 

For that reason, I advise you keep it cheerful and friendly and otherwise stay away.

[Lucha]

be very very careful at the workplace. it's not that it is "always inappropriate to approach the coworker" because of the coworker themselves. you're in psychiatry? great, think of it from a systemic perspective- it can get messy.

 

just tread carefully.

 

also, i don't want to spread stereotypes, but i work with Italians a lot...

this:

is sometimes just "being Italian", so make sure you get more explicit signals before you interpret it as romantic interest. They can be very lively, friendly, and in Italy, giving strangers compliments is considered common courtesy. I used to sell bread and pastries when i was putting myself through uni and these italian customers would stop to tell you thanks a million gorgeous, or wow you have beautiful eyes, etc. men and women alike. "gorgeous, beautiful, dear and darling" are generously attributed to people. if she confuses you, try to get very specific signs that she is flirting.

 

Thanks, I didn't really think of it that way I'll thread with caution keeping in mind it might be just her Italian ways. Nonetheless she is an attractive woman who happens to be also a lesbian so I can't help but be interested in her.

[RainyCoast]

she is an attractive woman

they are all sinfully beautiful and charming. seriously, Italy, what is that you put in the tap-water? do they all drink from the fountain of celestial beauty??

[IAmFCA]

Thanks, I didn't really think of it that way I'll thread with caution keeping in mind it might be just her Italian ways. Nonetheless she is an attractive woman who happens to be also a lesbian so I can't help but be interested in her.

 

You can redirect your interest to imagining what it will be like at work after you date for 7 months, break up, and never really feel comfortable at work again. With everyone knowing your business as well, because they will. The only scenario where it's a good idea is if it is going to be a lifelong thing. In which case, you've got all the time in the world to get to know her as a professional.

[Lucha]

You can redirect your interest to imagining what it will be like at work after you date for 7 months, break up, and never really feel comfortable at work again. With everyone knowing your business as well, because they will. The only scenario where it's a good idea is if it is going to be a lifelong thing. In which case, you've got all the time in the world to get to know her as a professional.

 

I change workplaces every six months due to education so that scenario is out of the question