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1.5 yr relationship on the rocks


cha53r

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Hi everyone,

 

I wasn't really sure where to find advice...hoping to get some clarity here.

 

Quick backstory: a few months ago I found inappropriate texts between my GF and her Ex-fiancée. There were also some texts of the same nature between her and a much older coworker of hers. The conversations had been going on for months and I tried to break things off. She convinced me there was nothing to them and it was all joking around, and I hesitantly stayed to see if things got better and I could trust again.

 

Since then we have had several heated discussions, sort of broken up, sort of get back together. it feels like were in a limbo. She told me she has blocked certain people, and removed them from FB.

 

Fast forward to today. She got a new job and her life is looking good as she is finally happy with her career again. I was on a business trip for several days and things seemed ok when I got back. She posted some stuff on her FB and I wanted to "like" her posts regarding her new job.

 

She has since added her Ex back on FB. I don't know if he is still blocked from texting her, but my suspicion is that he isn't.

 

my trust is being violated again I feel like. She never bothered to ask me if it was ok to add him back...there aren't any messages or anything that I can tell. I feel like its inappropriate, knowing how much I dislike him.

 

Any thoughts on this?

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Sorry to hear this. How soon after she broke up did you two start dating? Do you think she's not over her ex and you are a rebound?

 

How were the texts inappropriate? Sexting or sexual or flirty? Are you going through her phone? If so what made you feel the need to do so?

 

Without trust there's no relationship.

I found inappropriate texts between my GF and her Ex-fiancée. The conversations had been going on for months and I tried to break things off. we have had several heated discussions, sort of broken up, sort of get back together. it feels like were in a limbo. She has since added her Ex back on FB. I don't know if he is still blocked from texting her, but my suspicion is that he isn't
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Thanks for your input. From what ive been told, we started dating a year or two after they broke up. The texts were on her ipad. the only reason I saw them was that I dropped it, and turned it on to make sure I hadn't broken it. it wasn't locked or anything. and til then had no indication that there was anything to worry about. Her ipad and phone are synced so what ever she sends on her phone, forwards to her ipad.

 

They were inappropriate in many ways, some sexual, some flirty, lots of "i miss you's", "wish I could see you" etc etc.

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I'd bring it up, and ask her what's up. And that if you two are to are to move as partners that this should not have happened. That she needs to consider long and hard what is more important - respecting your relationship and boundaries, or being FB buddies with her ex and coworkers and sending intimate texts back and forth with eachother. Ask if what she has done is good for the relationship.

 

If she tries to defend herself or turn it around on you, tell her to take a hike for good.

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A huge red flag.

 

I think it's pretty clear she's still got feelings for him, and she isn't bothered about protecting your relationship with appropriate boundaries.

 

You know what to do.

 

 

Thanks for the advice...I think it's one of those things where I know the answer. But need some sort of validation. Lessons learned here for sure.

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After this amount of time in your relationship, you can reasonably be looking towards the future and asking yourself if you want to deepen your commitment to her. She is clearly not over her ex, even if nothing physical's happening; and unless she can let go of him and respect the relationship she has with you, there really is no future.

 

That is, unless you want to be in a relationship where you are constantly eating your heart out.

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After this amount of time in your relationship, you can reasonably be looking towards the future and asking yourself if you want to deepen your commitment to her. She is clearly not over her ex, even if nothing physical's happening; and unless she can let go of him and respect the relationship she has with you, there really is no future.

 

That is, unless you want to be in a relationship where you are constantly eating your heart out.

 

Update: she says the FB thing was a total glitch when I asked about it. Told her I believe her. I'll admit I checked her phone when she went to sleep. Found her ex-fb, and another guy "unblocked" now...after she told me she had blocked them about 1 month ago. She even showed me that the had been blocked when she told me.

 

Now what?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Dude, come on...this was no glitch and you know it. She's not loyal to you. I hope you didn't go all out for Valentine's Day. If she deserves anything today it's to get kicked straight to the curb.

 

 

Thanks for that advice. So quick update to anyone following. I finally left last night. I booked an Air BnB for a week in the next town over to get some space. After much circling discussion, begging me to stay, etc., I told her the lies are what killed things for us. Fast Forward a few hours, she calls me frantically. she tells me there is someone in the backyard. I told her to call the police and I went over to see what was going on.

 

She had been drinking (mentioned earlier) and by that time, she was pretty tipsy. She said she was tired, and I offered to help her upstairs to bed. before I could move her she straight up passes out. I'll admit my fault here, but I decided to check her phone to see if she had actually called the police since they were gone by the time I arrived. What I didn't expect to find, was yet another text conversation, with a different previous ex. They were comparing work schedules and when he said "i don't work nights anymore" she replies, "me neither, more time for us!"

 

I finally got her to wake up enough to help her to bed. I asked a few pointed questions, and was lied to yet some more. I put her in bed, and left for the night.

 

"i'll be picking up the rest of my stuff this week.

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Excellent. She probably got drunk and called all her exes including you with this histrionic story about prowlers. All I can say is yeah, move out asap.

she calls me frantically. she tells me there is someone in the backyard. "i'll be picking up the rest of my stuff this week.
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Excellent. She probably got drunk and called all her exes including you with this histrionic story about prowlers. All I can say is yeah, move out asap.

 

She actually did call the Police. I was pleased that she didn't at least lie about that much...

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It sounds like you left for the night, returned after she called you about a prowler, followed by leaving again. This (imo) is simply sending the message that you're not at all serious about ending the relationship, which keeps her in the drivers seat.

 

In short she's clearly demonstrated what she's made of, yet the question is, where are you expecting this to go?

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