Worried about my relationship as im so young?

[Ben Gardner]

I dont know fully how this works so i don't know if you guys can help me but im running out of ideas.

 

I've been experiencing major problems with anxiety for years now, but never on this scale. I began dating my girlfriend February last year and at first it wasn't much. My first girlfriend and i was sort of doing it to have a girlfriend and experience what its like.

 

Around April/June last year my feeling really started to develop. I began feeling really happy when she was round, i enjoyed getting to know her and it became a very strong relationship in which we were both happy. I did however always have a problem that i hated being apart from her. I wanted to see her as much as possible and when she couldn't come i'd get very upset.

 

I began a new college in September and had major worries about it, and for the first few months i handled it, although i was getting upset a lot as the workload was heavy and i was beginning to lose contact with many of my old friends meaning i had little life outside of college and my girlfriend.

 

Around October this one thought popped into my head, "What if this isn't real, what if i dont love her". I cant even remember the cause now but it was something very stupid and it spiralled out of control. I kept thinking about it and it got worse and worse, with other things adding on, I worried about other girls and whether i found them attractive, i worried about if i wold be sad if i was alone.

 

This kept up until December when i began looking at Christmas presents for her. All of a sudden i felt a renewed sense of love because i was doing something for her, making her happy. At Christmas i felt the most joy I've felt in a long time and it was a really nice time.

 

After Christmas it went back downhill though. I was fine till January 3rd when we had a problem to do with sex. I was moaning at her because i wanted to, she didn't, it got out of hand and we argued for most of our night together (we get very few nights together). I face-timed her when she got home and she was fine about it but i felt terrible.

 

That night the thoughts returned. I thought "you cant love her if you did that to her", "you probably only want her for sex". And it began the spiral again. Do i love her? Will i regret it if i stay with her and miss out the single life? Oh this new girl i talked to is nice and attractive, what if shes better than Lauren?

 

I kept it down a bit for January, mainly because i still enjoyed it when i was actually with her, and because i was looking at counselling to try and handle the anxiety. There was even a couple of days where i felt happy again when her strict parents agreed to let her come on holiday with us in the summer (of course after a couple of days i overthought this and put me being excited down to lots of sex, not love)

 

However, In the last 3 days it has hit me on a whole new level. I had "broken strings" stuck in my head by James Morrison on Sunday and i thought "maybe this song has a link to how i'm feeling". BANG, the worst feelings ive had in my life to date. I was so scared, i talked to my mum about it and for the first time i genuinely thought breaking up was the best idea.

 

Sunday night i accidentally said some of this to her and it nearly broke us apart, but we agreed that hopefully i would get better after counselling and i could focus on us instead of the anxiety. However, the thoughts are lodged now. I've had them once and now they wont go away, no matter what i think.

 

She came round yesterday morning and it felt nice for a couple of hours, but then for the last hour i was thinking about "i'm not really enjoying this that much" (even though all were doing was watching TV). This then made me start thinking that maybe i never really enjoyed the time we spend together, maybe i'm just settling for an okay relationship because it easy and i'm scared of doing the breaking up because i don't want to hurt her or i'm afraid of being alone or i'm afraid ill realise a couple of months later that i made the wrong decision.

 

I don't even know anymore if this is just anxiety or if its how i really feel, can anxiety disguise itself that well? All i know now if that i cant go on like this. I WANT to get it sorted out and it turn out that it was just anxiety, but im really scared now its not. I feel really guilty as it feels like im just stringing her along now. I hate saying g i love you because i feel like im lying, and im scared of any commitments ive made like the holiday or the fact its our anniversary in a week and it feels like it another thing shes gonna be excited about and im just gonna upset her more.

 

I just want both of us to be happy. I wish it could be with us together but if it not id at least like to know for certain so i can make the decision. Every text i send now just feels like im betraying her more. I care for her and at least have some love for her, im just unsure on what level. But im only okay now when im in contact with her, and even then im over thinking when im with her.

 

What should i do? Do I deep down have strong enough feelings? Is it just anxiety and should i at least have the counselling before making a decision? Or do i just need to finish it as its whats best for both of us?

 

TL;DR: I'm 17 and am having major relationship worries about whether i need to break up with my girlfriend. I care about her greatly and definitely love her too some degree but am unsure if my anxiety is making me worry about our future or if its just I want to break up and I'm using anxiety as a mental excuse.

 

Thank you for your time

Ben

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Right now it sounds like the hassles of a LDR and your workload are getting to you. It seems fwb or hookups may be a better solution whether with this girl or better yet, start seeing local girls on campus.

we had a problem to do with sex. I was moaning at her because i wanted to, she didn't, it got out of hand and we argued for most of our night together. I thought "you cant love her if you did that to her", "you probably only want her for sex".

[gebaird]

This is concerning. Everyone has some dark thoughts at times, but you seem to be a prisoner of yours:

However, the thoughts are lodged now. I've had them once and now they wont go away, no matter what i think.

 

The girl you are with may not be right for you, but it seems like NO ONE could satisfy you when you are in this kind of mental/emotional state. Some of this could be explained away as "normal teenage stuff" (it's not easy being 17), but it seems like there is more going on than just that.

 

I highly recommend counseling. You could be suffering from an anxiety disorder, coupled with insecurity and possible attachment issues.

[Inner Fire]

Whether you love/don't love her - I can't answer that. But I do know that anxiety can screw you up and make you question everything, even things that are true. As long as you have problems with it, it will be too hard to sort out your real feelings. For her sake, it's probably best to let her go. Seek counseling, perhaps you could benefit from anti-anxiety medication.