Is this Girl relationship material, what should I do? :(

[Informed101]

I am dating a girl I used to date a few years ago. Back then pretty much every time she drank she got drunk. One day I came home from working and she was gone. Packed and left. She had a history of doing that, three times in fact. Fast forward to today (she's almost 34) and we've had our ups and downs. She cheated on me before but blamed it on the alcohol and said she was taken advantage of by her ex. I told her if she had not lied about going out with a girlfriend and was instead with her ex...while living with me, none of it would have happened. She still blames him and the booze and she doesn't seem to taken any responsibility. This past Friday night she tells me she's working. Although I don't know exactly what she does because she doesn't have a regular job but does different jobs as a "consultant." When she goes off to "work" particularly at night she never answers her phone. I mean I call her and she NEVER answers her phone. I've never experienced that. I think when your BF or GF calls you, especially if you're working who knows where with who knows whom, you should answer your phone, particularly considering our past trust issues and how we're supposed to be building trust now. I think a significant other should answer their phone if they're "working" and its 11: 00 p.m. at night. This past Firday she' was "working" and never answered her phone. Then she calls me around 10:30 p.m. Says she's tired. That she's driving home and almost home and going to sleep. I say I love you and wish her a good night. AT 12:30 my phone rings. It's her. But she's not talking to me. She's laughing and I hear she's talking to some guy. I hear his voice too. I listen and say her name but she does not answer! Line goes dead. I call her a dozen times and she does not answer. I drive to her place which is about 5 minutes away. She's not home. I wait there for her. At 1:30 in the morning she comes home. She's drunk. She obviously lied to me about being almost home. Instead, now she says she had a frustrating night so she went with this guy from "work" to do a couple of shots! In her mind somehow this is okay. I am now the bad guy for being at her place. Saturday we're supposed to go to lunch. She picks me up. Her seat is reclined very far back. I'm a car guy. I tell her her seating position is dangerous. She's out of alignment with airbags, etc. She slams on her brakes and says get out of my car. She gets very angry pretty easy. I get out. Later that day I smooth things over with her on the phone. I spend the night at her place and we make love Sunday morning. I have to leave to move my car from an 8:00 a.m. parking zone. It's Superbowl Sunday, just two days after the Friday night incident. I call her around 1:00 in the afternoon. She tells me she's going to a party, sometime around 2. I say it would be nice if she mentioned this to me. I ask if I can go she says "You're not on the list." I say to her I want to go with her she says no. Now, in my mind, I'm already thinking its not cool for a GF trying to build trust, especially after what just happened on Friday, to go off to a super bowl party without me. Anyway, She's gone all day....and into the night. I call her she never answers her phone. Finally, around 9:00 p.m. she answers. She's drunk. So she's drunk Friday night and now Sunday. I ask her how she got to the party and she says "a friend." I ask who is 'he", the guy that drove you, and She hangs up on me. I go to her place, needing to see for myself. Around 10:30 a car pulls up. Two guys and two girls, one being my GF. She still is not answering my calls. She's drunk. She blows the guy a bunch of kisses, doesn't actually kiss him from where I am standing. I walk up to her and say her name. She turns and sees me. She's mad at me for being there. Says I'm insane for being at her place. Apparently she doesn't think there's anything wrong with coming home drunk, Friday and Sunday and she thinks its okay to not answer my calls, even at night when she's "working." She thinks its okay to go do shots with some guy she meets at her "job" at 1:00 a.m. and seemingly be some guys date to a party. What's going on here? Is this a sign of alcoholism, because she does drink a lot and binge a lot, or just a girl that doesn't care or is self absorbed or has no heart? Is this a girl I should trust? Is this girl relationship material?

[psot2]

Seems like you already know the answer. Why do you insist on staying with this girl? Do you have self esteem issues?

 

She's obviously not worth yours or anyone else's time. She doesn't take you seriously.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is life dating an alcoholic.

I am dating a girl.

She's drunk.

She gets very angry pretty easy.

She's drunk.

So she's drunk Friday night and now Sunday. She thinks its okay to go do shots with some guy she meets at her "job" at 1:00 a.m.

[nutbrownhare]

This girl is relationship material if your idea of a relationship is to be cheated on, lied to and treated like ****. You can trust her to throw tantrums, binge drink and have inappropriate relationships with other men.

 

A better question would be to ask is "Can I trust myself to take care of ME, and not hang around in harmful situations too long?"

[Informed101]

Seems like you already know the answer. Why do you insist on staying with this girl? Do you have self esteem issues?

 

She's obviously not worth yours or anyone else's time. She doesn't take you seriously.

 

I know she had a troubled childhood do I try to be understanding. I do lover her. It's like the old quote from a story, when she's good she's very very good, but when she's bad, she's very very bad. The hard thing is I don't know what to do. I'm a professional. I'm fairly successful and a not bad looking guy. It's not a self esteem issue. I just don't know what to do. I never raise my voice with her and I don't use curse words. I try to talk to her rationally. Yet in her mind I am the bad guy. Like, I'm the bad guy for pointing out that she's doing bad things that hurt me. I posted this thread to see if people thought like me, that what she's doing is inappropriate. Or is it, as she says, "I'm insane."

[Informed101]

This girl is relationship material if your idea of a relationship is to be cheated on, lied to and treated like ****. You can trust her to throw tantrums, binge drink and have inappropriate relationships with other men.

 

A better question would be to ask is "Can I trust myself to take care of ME, and not hang around in harmful situations too long?"

 

That's a good way to put it, and now, at this point, and she's nearly 34, I cannot trust her to take care of me and not hang out in such situations.

[Informed101]

Unfortunately this is life dating an alcoholic. [url="

 

That's what it seems like to me. I try to talk to her about it, about the health consequences, etc., but she says I'm being "insane."

 

Pretty much every time she drinks she seems to binge drink. It's scary because she drives like this. I would have thought by the time someone gets to be nearly 34 they'd be able to see they have an alcohol problem but clearly apparently not.

 

I just don't know what to do. When she does bad things and I confront her about them suddenly I'm the bad guy. I'm trying to "control her." When all I want is a "normal" relationship.

[Wiseman2]

You are because she wants to party and drink and hang out with guys, have sex, stay out all night, etc. and you keep insisting you want to change and fix her for yourself so you can have a relationship. She doesn't want a relationship, she wants to be free to party and drink.

 

Stop telling her how to maintain her car, how to drive, when to be home, when to call, when to answer her phone, when to be with you, how much to drink, etc. She's not interested in your micromanagement of her life..

I'm the bad guy for pointing out that she's doing bad things that hurt me.

[nutbrownhare]

That's a good way to put it, and now, at this point, and she's nearly 34, I cannot trust her to take care of me and not hang out in such situations.

 

The point I was trying to make is that taking care of YOU is YOUR responsibility, not hers. Get out of this relationship, unless you want a permanent diet of this kind of behaviour. She sounds like an alcoholic, and will continue to behave like this unless she decides for herself that she wants to do otherwise. She will almost certainly not change her behaviour in the face of pressure or pleading from you.

[DancingFool]

Stop trying to play daddy to a grown woman and stop trying to fix her. She does what she wants just like any grown adult. If what she does and how she lives her life doesn't suit you, then you part ways and that's that. It's completely unhealthy for you to remain involved with someone you are not actually compatible with trying to play some kind of a hero who will save the poor little woman. She doesn't need you, she doesn't need to be saved by you, and of course your patronizing demeanor irritates her.

 

 

......and seriously she is out "consulting" some guy at 11 pm at night? Get a clue man.....like seriously.....and maybe go check yourself for STD's because if you haven't caught any yet....you will have plenty soon enough.....

[Informed101]

You are because she wants to party and drink and hang out with guys, have sex, stay out all night, etc. and you keep insisting you want to change and fix her for yourself so you can have a relationship. She doesn't want a relationship, she wants to be free to party and drink.

 

Stop telling her how to maintain her car, how to drive, when to be home, when to call, when to answer her phone, when to be with you, how much to drink, etc. She's not interested in your micromanagement of her life..

 

I hear what your saying. I took her to Italy in November. We had a real heart to heart conversation (yes, she was drunk) and she says to me "I'm at this point in my life where I want to make my future, where I need to decide if I am going to be with someone or by myself." She then tells me how I have these wonderful attributes, etc., and ever since then we've been in this "let's see if we can build a relationship mode." I was hoping she'd matured since the last time we were together about 3-4 years ago. The problem is it seems like I'm the only one trying...the only one doing things constructive to building a relationship. Maybe its the alcohol? (She also smokes marijuana daily with a "medical prescription.) But what's crazy to me is she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with what she does. From what I can tell, I'm the closest thing she's ever had to a "normal" relationship and she did grow up with a bad home situation as a child, including being molested by her father's twin brother after her mom left. It seems I'm always making excuses for her

[Wiseman2]

Maybe this will help.

what's crazy to me is she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with what she does

[video=youtube;vwbKYcBdVyk]

[nutbrownhare]

If you genuinely want a loving, committed, reciprocal relationship, then go find one. It's just that you can be 100% certain that this girl isn't the one!

[Informed101]

Maybe this will help.

[video=youtube;vwbKYcBdVyk]

 

A very funny video....and seemingly true in this case.

[Informed101]

If you genuinely want a loving, committed, reciprocal relationship, then go find one. It's just that you can be 100% certain that this girl isn't the one!

 

Yes, that's exactly what I want. That sounds great! Now what's the alternative for people who don't want those things? I wonder how they see the world and relationships.

[justshine1]

Absolutely do NOT trust her.

She hasn't changed at all from the last time you dated her clearly. And doesn't respect you at all.

Anyone actually wanting to work things out and gain trust would never behave this way. Also by letting these things slide your pretty much telling her it's all okay to do.

 

Walk away with your head High before she really screws you over hard!

[justshine1]

This video. ......a guy I'm seeing posted on his fb and titled it best video he has ever seen .....and thanked some girl

 

I commented omg dying

 

Then his best girl friend said....we need to find you a unicorn. He replies ....that's what I've been trying to do this whole time.

Then she said ... I thought you were in the danger zone phase. ...lol jk

He then says 😂😂😂😂 STUCK in the danger zone😂

 

So.....I took that as not a good sign....especially since he's been a bit off lately. ...but I asked him about it in person and he said....he thought I may wonder when he said it but it was only a joke and he doesn't think I fall under danger zone catagory

 

But I still wonder...

[Wiseman2]

I think you know you're in the danger zone.

 

Many a true word is spoken in jest.

it was only a joke and he doesn't think I fall under danger zone catagory

[reinventmyself]

She has no respect for you and you don't either.

 

It's hard to respect someone when you can walk all over them and they just keep coming back for more.

 

This is wrong on so many levels. She can't be trusted and you can't be trusted to take care of yourself.

You should have left a long time ago.

 

Walk don't run. Work on your self esteem and don't date until you know you can go into it and hold your own.

 

You need to recognize when you are getting a negative return for your investment. That's the case here.

[justshine1]

I think you know you're in the danger zone.

 

Many a true word is spoken in jest.

 

Im non of those things listed. I'm actuall marriage material if anything.

 

But he's the type to go with the flow....no official titles. ...things just fall in place kinda person.

 

Anyways. I had said that if you think I fall in that category somethings wrong. And he then laughed and said noooo not at all you don't fit that category.

[Applewhite]

Very sexist video...

[Jibralta]

Informed, this girl is NOT relationship material. I think you should look into codependency.

 

Very sexist video...

 

I thought that, too. It's actually sexist towards both women and men, because it portrays men as idiots. Glorified idiots, but idiots nonetheless.