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The Decompression Chamber


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okay but goal tracker is a great app,



and it’s free. i’ve tried several before i found this and this does everything. you can track your mood, your meds, your water intake, your work assignments, your projects, your down time, your house chores, your outdoors time, your sleep, anything you want and you can organize tasks under categories and break your goals down in as many little steps as you want. it gives you little charts to track your progress and you can set alarms, and for every goal you can add reminders/slogans to remember why you’re bothering with something in the first place.



goodbye pacifica (not specific enough), goodbye trello (wth, i can’t organize that if my life depends on it), goodbye anydo (same), bye various task trackers that are nothing but to-do lists (i don’t need no friggin app for that).



i love this. love it. and i'm not even an app person. discovering the joys of finding a good app that actually does something.



here it is, for anyone else who's a hot mess:

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i'm upset. really upset. i haven't been upset in two weeks. why. i don't like this. stopit stopit stopit!!!!


work just called, my favorite client has been to the er for abdominal pain and for some reason the doctor suspects something is seriously wrong and he's scheduled for several checkups. he already has coronary disease, HIV, diabetes and old injuries from his seven suicide attempts. please please god don't make it worse.


i have been thinking about him for three days. i was upset for NO reason just minutes before they called, like really nervous and irritable.


off to see him.

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he has calmed down but doesn't know what happened. i'll try to get in touch with the doc and ask but she scheduled his scans for may 30th,which doesn't sound urgent so i hope it's nothing huge. praying it's just an ulcer from all his meds or something like that.


i'm okay. that kinda stuff scares me. i know it's to be expected but it's hard to see them going through stuff. at least it puts things in perspective for me.


i dreamt i found a good dentist and someone smashed her head and i picked it up and wanted the staff to refrigirate it so it could be reattached surgically but when i opened the bag with the head it was just someone's microwave lunch.


i'm the true patient lol! weirdo.

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haha you are the best cheerleader HOH. i feel embarrassed with the tiny victories that have become reasons to celebrate for me. i've gotten so dysfunctional over the last couple of months that i wish to evaluate my progress according to one of those "everyone's a winner here's a gold star for just getting out of bed" systems.


most nights I sleep. that is huge for me. i've been an insomniac since childhood, and work nightshift often, so having proper sleep hygiene is a monumental goal for me. the dark circles around my eyes have lessend, i'm not groggy in the mornings, my face is no longer puffy.


i could never bring myself to hydrate. i drank water, sure. poured over coffee grounds. i met and surpassed my water intake goal yesterday, and it was easy, and i have started to actually feel thirst.


i un*uck my mornings by doing the dishes right after dinner (no longer too tired to bother) and tidying up my desk, and setting a timer on the washer so that one round of laundry is done already when i wake up, i then run the second round and it's done before i leave the house. i have gotten through the immense pile of rags that have collected in my hamper, on my hamper, around the hamper, behind the hamper and The Chair™ through my embarrassingly low-functioning depression.


i have cut down on coffee, actually had none yesterday because i didn't need any. i wore a modest amount of make up. yay.


i tackle my early morning anxiety. it used to make me not open the blinds until the afternoon when i got back from work, i had this feeling something horrible could happen at any moment so keeping the blinds closed was keeping "life" at bay until i had to get out (getting out wasn't a problem, ironically). i figured if something terrible is to happen, the shutters won't stop it lol. so i crack them open first thing in the morning now.


i occasionally laugh and it's no longer forced.


i don't eat so late anymore. early early supper. i have no idea why it took me so long to do that.


i try to tell our clients everyone struggles with just being human sometimes when they start to feel their disability as a curse. i don't want to make light of serious illness by comparing it to depression, but some seem relieved when they hear the rest of us let our clothes or dishes grow an ecosystem sometimes too. the other day a developmentally impaired one complimented my hair (have cut the long mane into a lob) and said politely "it was pretty when it was long, but this seems more stylish. why didn't you do that before?", when i said "because for a long time i was feeling bad and i didn't care" she looked stupefied for a second and then said "oh. i understand that".


baby steps. many little ones each day. and things...start to move.


well, this felt good.

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You're not the weirdo, lol. It's probably stress and the medication you're taking. People get crazy dreams when we change things physically. I won't use the nicotine patch for that very reason. My dreams are soooo weird they wake me up when I use it.


yes, i'm pretty sure it is the meds. i used to get them unmedicated also, but this one was so bizzare it definitely sounds like an escitalopram dream. surprised i didn't get them sooner, i'm on my third week already. but i'm still below the therapeutic dose, and i think it hasn't messed with my REM much, i feel good in the morning so i suppose i get good quality sleep. i might get more of these dreams when i up my dosage. i don't mind that much.


it's so surprising. realizing that all the work i had put into the therapeutic part of recovery was taking so long because my brain doesn't follow. i feel double stupid- i have a background in toxicology, enough to know brain chemistry, i should've picked up on it?!! and it took me so long to realize it was effed up. depression crept up on me gradually. i didn't realize when it had gotten to the point where psychological effort wasn't going to cut it. i kept a symptoms tracker, for physical issues, it was to help me identify what triggers the worst flare-ups. but then when i looked at my log from the last two months, a lot of entries had notes that i was feeling emotionally crappy. like, i would list a symptom and jot down "but that's probably because i was very sad about xyz". realized MOST days had a crappy emotional component. i also noticed i was functional at work (leading me to think i was okay) and academically, but waking up and going to sleep with really negative thoughts.


not surprisingly, my physical pain is down to almost non-existent.


it's so hard to see oneself objectively. if this was anyone else, i would've been concerned. me, i just accepted it, "because i'm a mess anyway".

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and the nicotine patch nightmares remind me. i recently picked up smoking again, after being nicotine free for years i have vowed to stop again and for good. i used to break habits cold turkey (how i quit smoking before, after many failed attempts to gradually stop), and introduced new ones just as suddenly and just used sheer willpower to sustain them, but this time around i was so sapped of will and energy that i had to take everything slowly and i doubt i could quit the cigs cold turkey too this time. i don't smoke much, but i hate smoking at all. i hate the smell, i hate the habit, i hate the dependency, i hate the self-destructiveness, and always having to steam the smell out of the couch and washing the curtains all the time and the clothes (two rounds a day, damn, it's like four people live here!). i manage to stop at a certain hour in the day and bypass many cravings, but i know i have done that years ago and continued to smoke nevertheless. i WILL quit this crap. if anyone wants a quitting buddy i'd be interested.


and i don't intend to compensate with eating junk either.

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Scoe has inspired my meal plan with his mouth watering ideas so i'm getting creative in the kitchen and i have found filling healthy foods to eat so i haven't had any hunger pangs between meals today. yay food! plus my bestie came over with her homegrown veggies *drool drool drool*


and the big bang theory reruns marathon is tonight ahhh i love todayyy.


found a good set full body workout i can start with to get fit again. i'm so flabby. kinda skinny and flabby, so weird. skinny pudding. will dust my leg weights off too.

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i know, right...uhggg. i hope i can tone up some without hitting the gym, i really hate the gym. i'll start with stuff i can do at home and see how that goes. not expecting much, just to be a tad firmer.


There's a ton of stuff you can do at home! Planks, push ups, dips with a chair, wall squats, walking up stairs with a laundry basket over your head and of course endless ab work.


I got you sis!!!!!!!

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aww thanks both for the suggestions!


i haven't started yet, i have been spring cleaning madly and told myself it counts as exercise. cleaned the bathroom, steamed the mattresses, washed curtains, cleaned out closets, and those stupid light fixtures, cleaned cabinets and the fridge (threw miscellanous scattered edibles in my stomach), ironed, wiped the shelves, washed most of the windows, dusted the torture chamber, swept the dungeon, washed and dried and folded the skeletons in my closet and put the winter ones on the top shelf, bathed and groomed the basilisk and alphabetised all poltergeists and ordered them to take a shower for peeve's sake; and that was just today.


i'm going to have to prioritize workouts though. at least ten minutes ones, so i can do another ten and another later in the day and if not i've at least done ten.


i really am feeling like i'm having a health scare. a sudden realization of how self-destructive my lifestyle has been, even with just coffee, overworking, dehydration,insomnia, poor food choices. "just". then... started smoking again *bangs head*... i really feel it's urgent to make it up to myself. anyone else get that? sudden sobering moments and a drive for reparation? well, wish i had them more often lol.

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also if anyone knows good UPPER back exercises that would help. google searches mistly end with suggestions involving equipment. i know there must be something i can do.


i'm ordering that book. i need something printed out to be able to follow, with a plan and all. or else i get overwhelmed and distracted.


please think of me tomorrow when i discover that i can do exactly two pushups.

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also if anyone knows good UPPER back exercises that would help. google searches mistly end with suggestions involving equipment. i know there must be something i can do.


i'm ordering that book. i need something printed out to be able to follow, with a plan and all. or else i get overwhelmed and distracted.


please think of me tomorrow when i discover that i can do exactly two pushups.




So glad you asked this question. I like these.

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oh neat!! thanks!! other than the barbell, i could do all the other ones. i like the trick to pretend you're squeazing something between the shoulder blades. they used to tell us to pretend we're holding a stick behind our back and it's held between the shoulder blades in irish dance. i completely forgot about that.


hope wearing myself out physically helps me focus. i'm such a scatter brain. i need to set up notifications for the most basic things (but it's working. for example, i haven't killed any plants lately because i water them). i found myself starting to clean out the closet but something distracted me so i went to cook and i was stirring with one hand and washing up with the other and also trying to organize a cabinet then went to clean the closet again...it all worked out today but i can't tell you how many dinners i've burned that way in the past.


i have done it less since i started the meds but attempting to play octopus and do several things at once had me go "da heck am i doing??"

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ugh i hate repair men!!! why do they always do this?!! we said today afternoon so i took the afternoon off. he said he would call late afternoon yesterday to verify and he didn't so i called this morning and he's like sumting's come up maybe tomorrow afternoon. maybe?!!!! maybe?!!! i'm not sitting on my arse waiting for him to maybe come round some day, i can't keep taking days off. i told him he can come friday because i'm not free before that but i will be looking for a new repair guy in the meantime. the one my work uses sounds like a better option, he wouldn't want to come off as flaky probably.


i hate them. am i going to have to specifically tell them that when we agree to a day that needs to be it and to not change their mind last minute because i can't get time off whenever they feel like it every friggin time? do they know a thing or two about being professional with their clients? how do they earn a living this way??? praying i can get the work repair guy or someone else and cancel on this tool.


well. now i have the afternoon off to....exercise....

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idk, maybe i'm just being a nasty beotch. i get so irritated when people bust my schedule...because i suck at time management and it's a huge effort for me to respect my own schedule. i'm very proud of myself when i have a long streak of good time management but i also tend to fear the next disruption wil throw me off track and i'll need another week to get back in the rhythm of things. i've tried embracing chaos...but it wasn't good. not sure i know how to do it without it getting out of hand so i resort to tyrannical order instead.

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