Silly arguments with bf that blow out of proportion

[sunnysky998]

Yesterday me and my bf went on a day trip to the city, it was my idea but he planned the restaurant.

 

After spending the day exploring we sat down for dinner at a restaurant. I suddenly felt very tired so I might not have looked as happy as I was before. He said is it because I didn't like the restaurant and I said no, I'm just tired.

 

Once we got our food, he handed me a piece of his food on his fork for me to try, and I said thanks and tried it. Then I took a piece of my food and placed it on his plate. He suddenly got an annoyed look, first doing a palm up like "what did you just do?" expression and then he said, "what? why did you put it on my plate? You should've asked me first. Next time, ask me before you give me anything. He said it kind of mean and I felt hurt, I said "I was just returning the favor and ok, next time I'll ask before giving food." Then I said I didn't get why he got so annoyed and made such a big deal out of it. He said he didn't think it was a big deal and asked why I felt it was a big deal. I mean I don't know? Am I being too sensitive? After some more back and forth, he finally said thanks for letting him try my food and sorry that I felt upset.

 

He seemed upset that I was upset and we didn't talk much during the entire dinner. Then he asked me why I felt tired when we sat down in the restaurant, he felt I didn't appreciate his making plans, he said he's making all the plans and I don't like them, and why don't I make plans. I never ever said I didn't like his plans. He said he's making plans for me because he knows I like going out and he is perfectly fine staying home and playing video games. He also said he's upset that I got upset which ruined the dinner. I don't know, was it wrong for me to get upset at the food comment? Whys he making assumptions that I don't like his plans? I almost feel like I'm not allowed to get upset even though my feelings are hurt? What should I say to him?

[JaggerJim]

What should you say to him?

 

YOUR DUMPED.

[gebaird]

How long have you been together? How old are you? Do you live together? Have you always had arguments like this, or is it something that's been happening more often in recent months?

 

It seems to me that he may be dissatisfied or just generally on edge for reasons unrelated to you. He may not realize how strongly negative he is being.

 

A lot of couples hit plateaus where things just seem stagnant and boring. The love is still there, but the excitement isn't. Keeping a romance alive is an art that few master. How often do the two of you go on official dates like this? How often do you talk and text? Does it seem like the thrill is gone or was this just an unusual bad moment?

[j.man]

he felt I didn't appreciate his making plans, he said he's making all the plans and I don't like them, and why don't I make plans. I never ever said I didn't like his plans. He said he's making plans for me because he knows I like going out and he is perfectly fine staying home and playing video games.

Honestly, how justified is he with this?

 

That's what this is about, not the food on his plate. Now I wouldn't put up with him pulling this **** of going off on irrelevant and trivial stuff in lieu of an actual conversation, but he did eventually spill his guts. Both his communication and the problem he specified merit a discussion.

[Wiseman2]

It's only been 6 mos and some significant red flags. Stop babying and mothering him, he's a loser. It may be time to consider cutting your losses.

 

Have you read "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression" by Scott Wetzler, PhD? am having doubts about my bf of 6 months. We are both in our mid 20s, working professionals. He spends most of the time and nights at my place, though he still pays rent for his place due to his lease. He just wants to chill at my place, take naps, watch TV, or play games.

[DancingFool]

He sounds like a mean spirited insecure fool. Sorry but I agree with the first post - I'd respond by dumping him. I mean really, you feeling tired is going to be taken as an insult to him? That's too twisted for words. I also find ironic that he sticks his food in your face and expects you to eat it without being asked if you want it, but then if you reciprocate and place some on his plate (not even insisting that he try it like he did with you) he gets angry with you? Like really? He can take his attitude and stuff it and maybe he needs to be single and enjoy his video games all by his lonesome.

 

Honestly, it seems too much like he did a passive aggressive thing where he didn't really want to be out and about, but instead of being honest, he did it, resented it and then found a way to retaliate against you and make it miserable for you so that maybe in the future you will leave him to his video games instead. I'd say leave him to his games permanently.

[notalady]

How long have you been together? Is this kind of arguments common between you two? Or is it a one off?

 

Sounds like the kinds of arguments I would have with my ex of 2.5 years, where he'd get annoyed with some small trivial thing I do (like drips of water on the outside of a glass, or when I took a big spoonful of his dessert when he asked me if I wanted some, because he thought I was going to keep doing it until he had nothing left, when I was only going to take the one spoonful). I'd get upset and ask him why he's annoyed at such a trivial thing, he didn't think it was a big deal, it was just his natural reaction, but now he's upset that I was upset and we have a huge discussion. The whole date is ruined after that, because everything feels gloomy and moody. Rinse and repeat, this happened pretty much every couple of weeks.

 

To me, it's poor communicating skills on his part and just...bad at handling things that don't go the way he wanted to. He's making it about you "you got upset, so now I'm upset", "you didn't like my plans, now it's ruined", but not taking responsibility for his role in this (eg sorry maybe I overreacted to the food on my plate, sorry I just assumed you didn't like my plans). I see it as him instigating a conflict unnecessarily.

 

On a different aspect, is it true that you don't make plans? If so, why not?

 

Staying home and playing video games isn't much of a couples activity unless you're into it too, so sounds like he saying that he'd rather stay home by himself than spending time with you.

 

Honestly, he's making a big deal out of nothing.

[notalady]

Just read your other post... are you dating my ex? Lol.. he used to keep tabs on who spent how much and whose turn it is. I always hated it. And once I got upset because after two meals out, where we took turn paying, he tried to tell me he paid more because I had xyz at one of the meals which was more expensive. I just stared at him and said, seriously? Seriously?! You want to discuss something stupid as this? Ok then. Well, remember you had abc, which was expensive too. He was like, oh yea, I did. I was flabbergasted. It's not about who had what or how expensive or cheap the items are. He's calculating. I can't deal with someone who is so calculating.

 

Your guy sounds even worse, not just calculating, but also being cheap, not just to you, to his own mum!

 

DO NOT give him a key or let him move his things (eg computer) over, and definitely don't let him move in. He's not good long term partner material.

 

Don't get stuck on the good first couple of months, it's easy for things to be good at first, it's almost always good when things are fresh and exciting and they are on best behaviour. As time goes on, they relax and let you see the real them, so now you are seeing his true colour, and suffice to say it's less than impressive.

 

My ex was showing these kinds of red flags in the first 6 months and I should've left. But foolishly I thought "all relationships take work right? We can work this out". I didn't realise that compatibility is something you have or don't have, and people can't change on such a fundamental level no matter how much you talk about it or agree on it.

 

Take heed of my experience, don't waste time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[reinventmyself]

Typically the thing on the surface that a couple thinks they are at odds over is rarely the real issue.

It wasn't you putting food on his plate or feeling or looking tired. Something else if bothering him.

 

You, or both of you, need to drill down a little deeper to find the root of the discontent.

What you just shared are the symptoms and not the real issue.

 

He was looking to pick a fight with you and using stupid reasons to do so.

Why?. . .only he knows.

[Krankor]

"OK, I went out of my way to plan a nice evening out for her. I don't even like going out, I did it for her, and now she's going to sit there and act bored? It's like she doesn't even appreciate any of my efforts."

 

That's how he was feeling is my guess. I'd have had to watch the interaction to know whether he had a legitimate beef. But what I do know is that he lacks the ability to to handle negative feelings in a mature, productive manner.

 

But I had a bad experience with a woman who was somewhat like this. If I wasn't providing her with a steady stream of what she interpreted as positive feedback, especially when we were out, she'd turn nasty. And heaven forbid I should ever feel tired or--worse yet--nod off during a movie or TV show. I owed it to her to fight off the tiredness so I could show the level of pep and enthusiasm she felt she was owed in that moment. I'm not exaggerating; that's literally what she thought. Ultimately, she was a controlling emotional vampire who I let waste 4 1/2 years of my life.

 

Incidentally, she also had a tendency to get really upset over bizarre, random things.

 

For now, I'd try handling a situation like this by saying "I do appreciate you taking me out and was having a good time. I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way. But me being tired has to do with my physiology at that moment. It's not an affront to you. And I will not tolerate being treated that way when I was only trying to do something nice. If you are unable to treat me with respect or talk to me about what's really bothering you then I see no reason to continue this relationship."

 

If this kind of garbage continues I woukd dump him and not look back. It sounds like there's a compatibility issue with him being a homebody and you liking to go out anyway.

[nutbrownhare]

I had an ex like this; in fact it was during my (short-lived) relationship with him that I first came to ENA. The advice I received there was to "run, don't walk, to the nearest exit". I did, and I suggest you do likewise.

 

Going out with someone this touchy, where you feel you're walking on eggshells and don't know what trivial thing will set him off, will really mess with your mind. It won't get better.

[Wiseman2]

Agree...it doesn't sounds promising.

It sounds like there's a compatibility issue with him being a homebody and you liking to go out anyway.

]

[sunnysky998]

How long have you been together? How old are you? Do you live together? Have you always had arguments like this, or is it something that's been happening more often in recent months?

 

It seems to me that he may be dissatisfied or just generally on edge for reasons unrelated to you. He may not realize how strongly negative he is being.

 

A lot of couples hit plateaus where things just seem stagnant and boring. The love is still there, but the excitement isn't. Keeping a romance alive is an art that few master. How often do the two of you go on official dates like this? How often do you talk and text? Does it seem like the thrill is gone or was this just an unusual bad moment?

 

Been together 6 months. We were friends for almost 2 years. We're in our mid 20s. He rents his own place (lease won't expire for a few months) but he spends most of the time and nights at my place. I think it's happening more often in the recent few months. I remember the last time this happened a month ago. We were having a discussion about finances and he said he could get a 10% return on investment, while I said the market is a gamble, then he snapped at me, saying he doesn't know what I'm talking about and why I am talking nonsense. I felt upset and he got upset and then he apologized.

 

This week we went on official dates 2 times. In the past few weeks, it's been more like once every 2 weeks. Most of the time he just comes over to my place, we cook, watch movies, or he plays games. We talk every day basically, we text when we're not together.

 

I don't know if the thrill is gone or what. At the start we would go out and have fun. (By going out I don't mean partying, I hate parties, I mean, just us two together exploring the city.) But lately for the past few weeks he's just been OK staying home and napping, etc. Normally he is still affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time.

[Wiseman2]

You need to stop this. Stop mommying him. Learn to be more independent. Maintain your own friendships, stay busy with groups, clubs, activities, work, classes, family,whatever.

 

You are spending way too much low quality time together and getting sick of each other. Stop being so afraid of being alone that you become a doormat like this.

Been together 6 months. he spends most of the time and nights at my place. Most of the time he just comes over to my place, we cook, watch movies, or he plays games.

[sunnysky998]

Honestly, how justified is he with this?

 

That's what this is about, not the food on his plate. Now I wouldn't put up with him pulling this **** of going off on irrelevant and trivial stuff in lieu of an actual conversation, but he did eventually spill his guts. Both his communication and the problem he specified merit a discussion.

 

Well truth is, we haven't been going out all that much lately. He has chosen the restaurant for the past few times. As for things to do, I've been suggesting things to do. Like yesterday's trip was my idea to check out some museums and stuff. In terms of choosing places he has chosen more than I have, but then again we only went on real dates like 3 times in the past 2 months.

 

I told him I appreciate him making the plans and I like everything he chooses. I said I will try to make more plans in the future, and choose places to eat.

 

He says that he is stressed because he chooses restaurants and I don't like them. Even though I explained that I did *not* dislike the restaurant...

[sunnysky998]

He sounds like a mean spirited insecure fool. Sorry but I agree with the first post - I'd respond by dumping him. I mean really, you feeling tired is going to be taken as an insult to him? That's too twisted for words. I also find ironic that he sticks his food in your face and expects you to eat it without being asked if you want it, but then if you reciprocate and place some on his plate (not even insisting that he try it like he did with you) he gets angry with you? Like really? He can take his attitude and stuff it and maybe he needs to be single and enjoy his video games all by his lonesome.

 

Honestly, it seems too much like he did a passive aggressive thing where he didn't really want to be out and about, but instead of being honest, he did it, resented it and then found a way to retaliate against you and make it miserable for you so that maybe in the future you will leave him to his video games instead. I'd say leave him to his games permanently.

 

I am confused...yesterday, either the fact that I looked tired when I sat down, or the fact that I got upset at his food comment...made him feel like I didn't appreciate him.

 

So I guess the food on his plate thing wasn't the real issue? Afterwards he did say "I feel like I am making all the plans and you don't appreciate them, I made them for you because I know you like going out while I am perfectly fine playing video games at home." Also yesterday during the entire trip, he said he was very sleepy, I figured that was because I gave him a motion sickness pill earlier in the morning while on the train (he said he wanted one). Twice in the day I let him nap on park benches while I patiently waited. But while we were out and about, he did talk a lot with me and seemed engaged while walking through the museums. I attributed his sleepiness to the motion sickness pill. But the thing is, I cared for him and waited for him when he was tired, but when I was tired, he just made it like I was a problem.

[mustlovedogs]

I have to tell you. My ex let me plan everything. And he would rather have been at home playing video games, too.

 

It's exhausting and disheartening to plan things and not get enthusiasm. My ex always acted ambivalent or less at my plans. Like he was going just to go. I don't think he appreciated my plans and I never got the vibe he enjoyed them.

 

It made me feel used.

 

If your boyfriend wants you to plan things, there are two things you need to do: plan more and enjoy - ACTIVELY enjoy - what he plans.

[sunnysky998]

You need to stop this. Stop mommying him. Learn to be more independent. Maintain your own friendships, stay busy with groups, clubs, activities, work, classes, family,whatever.

 

You are spending way too much low quality time together and getting sick of each other. Stop being so afraid of being alone that you become a doormat like this.

 

I think I am afraid of being alone. Frankly when I started dating, I started neglecting other aspects of my life. Lately he's been upping his game a bit, like getting groceries and chipping in with $. I've been more firm with having him do his part while cooking or cleaning, because I sure as hell am not going to be his maid. I felt like cooking together was a nice way to do things together, and we go to the gym together.

 

Ideally, what constitutes as spending good quality time together? I am curious as I've never dated before this, so I'm not sure what's supposed to be a normal or good way of spending time together. All that I hear from my girl friends who have BFs is that they go out a lot and post all the things they do on Facebook. I am a quiet person and I don't like going out and partying, but I do like spending time outside of my apartment.

[sunnysky998]

I have to tell you. My ex let me plan everything. And he would rather have been at home playing video games, too.

 

It's exhausting and disheartening to plan things and not get enthusiasm. My ex always acted ambivalent or less at my plans. Like he was going just to go. I don't think he appreciated my plans and I never got the vibe he enjoyed them.

 

It made me feel used.

 

If your boyfriend wants you to plan things, there are two things you need to do: plan more and enjoy - ACTIVELY enjoy - what he plans.

 

Yeah, I don't know, when I sat down in the restaurant I did feel pretty tired and might've looked a bit down. I might've given off that vibe like I didn't want to be there. I tried to explain to him afterwards that I was just tired but not sure how much he believed me. Maybe I should've just acted not tired even though I was. He is really sensitive and very much in tune with how happy/unhappy I'm feeling, like if I'm suddenly looking a little glum or something, he'd ask if I'm OK.

 

I can do more planning. But sometimes I worry that it'll seem like I'm just dragging him to places if I plan too much. I don't know.

[katrina1980]

 

I am confused...yesterday, either the fact that I looked tired when I sat down, or the fact that I got upset at his food comment...made him feel like I didn't appreciate him.

 

So I guess the food on his plate thing wasn't the real issue? Afterwards he did say "I feel like I am making all the plans and you don't appreciate them, I made them for you because I know you like going out while I am perfectly fine playing video games at home."

 

Well there is no point in guessing about it, you need to communicate with him.

 

Forgive me if this was asked and answered, but when he told you he doesn't think you appreciate the plans he makes (aka appreciate what he does for you or appreciate him), how did you respond?

 

If it were me, I would have responded with something like "Well I do appreciate you and all you do and I'm sorry you feel that way. But in the spirit of resolving this, can you explain more why you feel this way? Specifically what things am I doing that cause you to feel this way"?

 

You're not sorry because you think YOU did anything wrong, you're just sorry he feels this way because it was NOT your intention to make him feel this way. You are just acknowledging and validating his feelings about it.

 

Even though you may have the best of intentions, you just never know how your partner (or anyone really) is interpreting your actions and the situation... and how your actions (and words) come across.

 

Hopefully after he explains, you will have a better understanding, you can then explain your feelings about it so HE can have a better understanding.

 

That said, it could also be this RL has run its course, and thus he is looking for things to pick at you about.

 

You will have to determine that for yourself after to talk to him further.

[sunnysky998]

Well there is no point in guessing about it, you need to communicate with him.

 

Forgive me if this was asked and answered, but when he told you he doesn't think you appreciate the plans he makes (aka appreciate what he does for you or appreciate him), how did you respond?

 

If it were me, I would have responded with something like "Well I do appreciate you and all you do and I'm sorry you feel that way. But in the spirit of resolving this, can you explain more why you feel this way? Specifically what things I am doing that cause you to feel this way"?

 

You're not sorry because you think YOU did anything wrong, you're just sorry he feels this way because it was NOT your intention to make him feel this way. You are just acknowledging and validating his feeling about it.

 

Even though you may have the best of intentions, you just never know how your partner (or anyone really) is interpreting your actions and the situation... and how your actions come across to him.

 

Hopefully after he explains, you will have a better understanding, you can then explain your feelings about it so HE can have a better understanding.

 

After he said he felt like I didn't appreciate his plans, I said that I always appreciate his plans, and I always want to try new restaurants and new things to do, and every place/thing he suggests, I've always liked. I asked him why he felt that way. He said that was because I looked tired and sort of down when we sat down in the restaurant. I said that I must've looked that way because I was tired, not because I didn't like the restaurant. I said I didn't mean to look that way. Then he said that because I got upset at his "food on the plate" comments, I ruined his plan of having a good dinner, and he said he's making plans only to have them end badly.

 

This leads to the next issue...should I not have placed food on his plate? Or should I not have gotten upset over his comments? Earlier at the restaurant, right after he made those comments, he didn't say he was sorry right away, but instead said that he doesn't like people putting food on his plate, and also, why I am making a big deal out of it and getting upset. Then after a little bit he said "I"m sorry you feel that way, that was just the way I talk, I was just being me". I said it's ok and don't worry about it. Maybe I still looked a bit upset at that point, because he said, "How can you tell me not to worry about it when it's obvious you're upset." He seemed upset now and I kept saying don't worry, but things already soured and we didn't talk for the whole dinner.

 

Then after dinner that was when he brought up the issues about me not appreciating his planning and how I should plan more.

[sunnysky998]

Also, an update: Today he showed up at my place to tell me he is sorry for acting like a butthead yesterday. He said no matter how he acts, he still loves me and wants to be with me, and I should always know that he loves me. I said it is OK and I told him again I appreciate his making plans. He says no problem, he likes spending time with me. Then he left and he has other plans tonight with family.

 

Even though I told him I accepted his apologies, I am still afraid this will happen again. I appreciate his apologies, but I don't know if I should let it go so easily. And I don't know if I should talk to him some more about it. I don't want to dump him right away, as that'll hurt us both and I still want to see where this relationship goes even though I am having doubts about it. I mean, I just don't know am I being too rash...

[JaggerJim]

Yes it will happen again.

 

He's a controller. He's getting worse the longer you two date.

[reinventmyself]

How about you ask him what exactly was bothering him? Because it wasn't about spoon feeding each other.

Maybe if you can get down to what it was, you both could work towards fixing it.

 

And. . if he comes up with some random reasons that don't add up you might find you have you just have an unreasonable hot head on your hands.

Find out now. . don't wait until the next blow up.

[katrina1980]

After he said he felt like I didn't appreciate his plans, I said that I always appreciate his plans, and I always want to try new restaurants and new things to do, and every place/thing he suggests, I've always liked. I asked him why he felt that way. He said that was because I looked tired and sort of down when we sat down in the restaurant. I said that I must've looked that way because I was tired, not because I didn't like the restaurant. I said I didn't mean to look that way. Then he said that because I got upset at his "food on the plate" comments, I ruined his plan of having a good dinner, and he said he's making plans only to have them end badly.

 

This leads to the next issue...should I not have placed food on his plate? Or should I not have gotten upset over his comments? Earlier at the restaurant, right after he made those comments, he didn't say he was sorry right away, but instead said that he doesn't like people putting food on his plate, and also, why I am making a big deal out of it and getting upset. Then after a little bit he said "I"m sorry you feel that way, that was just the way I talk, I was just being me". I said it's ok and don't worry about it. Maybe I still looked a bit upset at that point, because he said, "How can you tell me not to worry about it when it's obvious you're upset." He seemed upset now and I kept saying don't worry, but things already soured and we didn't talk for the whole dinner.

 

Then after dinner that was when he brought up the issues about me not appreciating his planning and how I should plan more.

 

You know what? STOP worrying about what you should not have done or trying to analyze his reactions; frankly after reading this^ post, he just sounds like a pill.

 

If you hadn't left food on his plate, he would've found some other reason to gripe at you.

 

Perhaps you guys just need a break, like forever.

 

Sounds like this RL has run its course; I'm sorry.