abitabove Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 I started dating a serial dater, never been married type guy least June. We broke up from dating around last November, but he still continues to contact me by text and phone calls everyday and we see each other maybe twice a month and hang out, but no sex. I still have very strong feelings for the guy and this daily contact keeps him on my mind for sure. He says he loves talking to me everyday. I date others, but want more from this guy than he can offer at this time. How should I handle this? Any suggestions???
DancingFool Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 Accept that he is never going to offer more. He does this only because you are responding. Frankly, it's you and at least a dozen or more others in his stable. You may not be doing anything sexual now, but as far as he is concerned, some day you will have a weak moment and he will get laid and so it's worth it to him and that's really all it's about. Considering that he keeps a stable full of women, realize that it pans more often overall than you think for him. Players are all about perseverance and the only thing they need from you to keep at it is a response, even a negative one still counts to them. Anyway, to move on, block and delete him and that's that. You are not going to get from a player what you want and you are not moving on and giving decent men a real chance when you are still hung up on this guy and keep ripping off the scab off that wound every couple of weeks.
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 Do you want to be just friends? It seems you welcome his contact and hanging out otherwise you would delete and block him and go no contact. It sounds like you are dating casually hoping for more.I started dating a serial dater, we see each other maybe twice a month and hang out, but no sex. I date others, but want more from this guy than he can offer at this time. How should I handle this?
IAmFCA Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 It may not be a dozen others in his stable. That sort of thinking is distracting. He is a serial dater. So you know why he keeps you, right? He is afraid of being alone. He is afraid of being committed to someone who will leave him. He always has one foot, at least a toe, in the dating pool in case his gf-du-jour dumps him. This is not about you per se. Rather, it is about you but not about you being a future LTR. It is about him needing to keep someone around as a security blanket, and you being likable company and letting him do it. Two pieces of advice: - do not get addicted - live in the moment. If you are fantasizing about a future, then go dark for a while WITHOUT giving him an explanation. When he protests, and he will, say simply, sorry I have been really distracted, how are you? Do this only if you want to reconnect. If after going dark you need more time to disconnect, do not respond, or respond in cryptic shorts such as: super busy ttyl. The most important thing for you to accept, even though none of us know if it is true: He will never offer more to you. Accept that.
Pretzel Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 He likes your attention. In fact he feeds off your attention.... that's why he likes talking to you. I would pull away a little, don't give him all your attention and set some boundaries so he knows he can't have his cake and eat it. Continue to date others, go colder towards him. And if he's serious about you then that'll prompt him to make a proper commitment rather than just float about and latch onto your contact as a security blanket.
surfdiva Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 ]He likes your attention. In fact he feeds off your attention[/b].... that's why he likes talking to you. I would pull away a little' date=' don't give him all your attention and set some boundaries so he knows he can't have his cake and eat it. Continue to date others, go colder towards him. And if he's serious about you then that'll prompt him to make a proper commitment rather than just float about and latch onto your contact as a security blanket.[/quote'] I agree with this. It feeds his ego to hang out with you knowing that you want him. Honestly, this guy isn't worth your time. Move on.
IAmFCA Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 I agree with the backing off a bit; I disagree that he will make a commitment. And if he makes a commitment, i don't expect it to be comfortable and long lasting. He has boundary issues of his own. Investing daily in someone while dating others, never committed to anyone for very long. Unless he is working on his emotional security, he is ill equipped and is more likely to destroy a relationship than nurture it.
katrina1980 Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 I started dating a serial dater, never been married type guy least June. We broke up from dating around last November... Why did you stop dating? Did you stop it, or if he did, did he give you a reason?
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 I told him after 4 months of dating while seeing others that I wanted a relationship with him. He told me a relationship was not his priority and that he wanted to be friends. He continued to contact me many times every day since then and we see each other a couple times a month. He doesn't want sex. That's not what he is after.
JaggerJim Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Why don't you tell him that you are looking to date, and that your not interested in daily phone calls. Does he want to know about other dudes your dating? Does he want details? What do you talk about?
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 He wants to know what I'm up to daily. He gets upset if I mention other men too much. He mentions dates he goes on now and again. He tells me about his day and schedule. Honestly, it's the weirdest thing. He obviously has major anxiety issues about commitment. I guess I am a safety blanket. He enjoys the contact and likes me as a person. I want more, but know this is going nowhere so it hurts my feelings sometimes.
JaggerJim Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Stop being the safety blanket and you need to stop hoping and wishing he will date you. He dates others? That's a slap in the face. Cut contact, tell him your not interested in his schedule, that your not interested if he goes on dates (because he won't date you) and that you really no longer feel the need to keep contact. He's not your friend.
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Agree. I've tolerated this odd bahavior for many months. Time to cut this tie. Waste of my time for sure. Thank you.
JaggerJim Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Yes outlay all the reasons why "this friendship" is not working out. I don't know what his mind-set is, weird for sure. Dont' stick around to find out!
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 I'm starting to think he has some sort of mental issue. Anxiety about pressure in a relationship. But, the daily contact soothes him. But, yes I'm not going to be able to fix him and need to take care of myself and move on from this odd relationship.
katrina1980 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I told him after 4 months of dating while seeing others that I wanted a relationship with him. He told me a relationship was not his priority and that he wanted to be friends. He continued to contact me many times every day since then and we see each other a couple times a month. He doesn't want sex. That's not what he is after. Course he doesn't. To him sex (with you) = relationship (or gasp, commitment), which is precisely what he is trying to AVOID. He needs the emotional connection though ..... without the relationship and without the commitment. He can handle "friendship," there are less expectations with a friendship. And like you said, less ANXIETY with a friendship. He is still free to date others, still free to come and go, to do what he wants, when he wants, with whom he wants..... maintaining freedom is sacred to guys like this (in my experience). And you can bet he is probably having lots of sex with lot of women he feels zero emotional connection with. One of my brothers used to be like this (he's married now so there's always hope and another brother is STILL like this. Big issues with intimacy, relationships and commitment. After a few months of believing she's the "one," he always finds some reason, usually that makes NO sense, why it could never work. At that point he ends it and does what this guy did "let's be friends."
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Right on! So I'm going to tell him our relationship has run it's course. Time to give it a break and move on. I don't see any other alternative.
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may help you sort out the guys who are wasting time from the ones that are interested. : mentions dates he goes on now and again. He obviously has major anxiety issues about commitment. I guess I am a safety blanket. I want more, but know this is going nowhere so it hurts my feelings sometimes.
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Yes, I have read the book twice and saw the movie! lol
katrina1980 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may help you sort out the guys who are wasting time from the ones that are interested. : ] You might also want to read "Men Who Can't Love." It's about men who fear intimacy/relationships/commitment. Your guy's behavior is CLASSIC "commitmentphobe" behavior.... right down to the not wanting sex (with you). He wants it (love, intimacy), but he fears it at the same time. It's a complex issue, and he is in constant conflict with himself about it. It's a difficult fear to shake, but my brother did so there's hope. But if a woman isn't careful, she can get sucked right in. It's a great fun read, check it out! It's on Amazon.
abitabove Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 I will. Thx! I know what I am dealing with and need to cut the tie. I don't have the time or energy to try and change a commitment phobe! Relationships are tough enough without that added burden.
notalady Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I will. Thx! I know what I am dealing with and need to cut the tie. I don't have the time or energy to try and change a commitment phobe! Relationships are tough enough without that added burden. I suggest part of that cutting off to include blocking him, so he can no longer freely make contact with you and take up your brain space and your time. It's hindering you from moving on to better things.
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I'm starting to think he has some sort of mental issue. Anxiety about pressure in a relationship. But, the daily contact soothes him. But, yes I'm not going to be able to fix him and need to take care of myself and move on from this odd relationship. My exH is this way. As you've concluded, the relationship you desire is not available here.
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