Boyfriend is a weed addict, is he suitable to be a father?

[EmmaS93]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years now. Were both almost 24 this coming March, he works in Penny's and plans to go back to college to do a Bachelors in Science while I am in a job having completed a Masters. Considering there is a big gap in what stage were at in our lives it will be a struggle to begin to raise a family when we would like to, by the time were both 28 he will only be finished college and trying to seek employment while I will have an developing career. This will be a challenge for us but I am willing to face this challenge if in the long run were compatible as a couple for the rest of our lives.

My growing concern for the future is primarily focused on his weed habit. He has been smoking since 14/15 years old and he smokes least 3 times a day, with the evening being the peak time. He spends around 50 euro a week on it. I don't mind the smell of it and I don't mind the way he seems when he smokes it. I presume he has built a tolerance to the drowsy affects of the drugs as he is able to function the same as when he is sober. It's actually when he hasn't smoked for half day- day that he becomes irritated. For example when we go on holiday, particularly when we are travelling he is very irritated and snappy and I feel its because he is out of his comfort zone and doesn't have weed to help. He always compares it to me drinking, claiming that drink is the real culprit as it causes deaths and antisocial behavior. I actually agree with him but it's not the same because I don't drink every day, I only drink on the weekend and sometimes I don't drink on the weekend. It also worries me that he could be fined or worse for possession of it. He argues that in 10 years it will be decriminalized because it is happening in many countries across the globe. I seen an article that in the future, if we were going to adopt decriminalization, Ireland would adopt a similar one to Portugal. The system is if a person is caught with the substance it is a civil matter, the person will be registered as a used and will need to attend a drugs counselling session at least once.

But that isn't my main concern, everything is fine now that were young and don't have any heavy responsibilities, but what about when we have children, own a house together etc.As a mother I want to able to rush to my child's attention if they are in need or danger with a sober mind. That's not to say I won't ever drink, I will have the occasional drink. But I don't like the idea that he would be stoned every night, what if we needed to go the hospital all of sudden etc. Also when the children become teens, they will begin to cop on that there dad is out the back smoking when they're in bed or out for a walk every night. He won't be able to hide it from them. How will that influence them? Knowing that they're father smokes weed every night. What if we have a rough patch with little money and we have to cut down on our expenses, will he still pay 50 euro a week on it?

Despite everything, I really do love him. I feel like I can be 100% myself around him and we have a great laugh together. I would be heartbroken to end it with him and It would break his heart too.

 

Am I over analyzing the weed situation in the future or should I break it off before its too late?

[Seraphim]

There is new evidence that weed greatly affects the teenage mind, permanently . It even reduces the IQ if smoked on a regular basis as a teenager . It affects the mature mind less so.

 

I would say you both need to get yourselves together. You need to finish school and establish careers. Gain a secure life before even thinking about children . You are 24, you have tons of time before you even need to think about kids .

[qwaspolk82]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years now. Were both almost 24 this coming March, he works in Penny's and plans to go back to college to do a Bachelors in Science while I am in a job having completed a Masters. Considering there is a big gap in what stage were at in our lives it will be a struggle to begin to raise a family when we would like to, by the time were both 28 he will only be finished college and trying to seek employment while I will have an developing career. This will be a challenge for us but I am willing to face this challenge if in the long run were compatible as a couple for the rest of our lives.

My growing concern for the future is primarily focused on his weed habit. He has been smoking since 14/15 years old and he smokes least 3 times a day, with the evening being the peak time. He spends around 50 euro a week on it. I don't mind the smell of it and I don't mind the way he seems when he smokes it. I presume he has built a tolerance to the drowsy affects of the drugs as he is able to function the same as when he is sober. It's actually when he hasn't smoked for half day- day that he becomes irritated. For example when we go on holiday, particularly when we are travelling he is very irritated and snappy and I feel its because he is out of his comfort zone and doesn't have weed to help. He always compares it to me drinking, claiming that drink is the real culprit as it causes deaths and antisocial behavior. I actually agree with him but it's not the same because I don't drink every day, I only drink on the weekend and sometimes I don't drink on the weekend. It also worries me that he could be fined or worse for possession of it. He argues that in 10 years it will be decriminalized because it is happening in many countries across the globe. I seen an article that in the future, if we were going to adopt decriminalization, Ireland would adopt a similar one to Portugal. The system is if a person is caught with the substance it is a civil matter, the person will be registered as a used and will need to attend a drugs counselling session at least once.

But that isn't my main concern, everything is fine now that were young and don't have any heavy responsibilities, but what about when we have children, own a house together etc.As a mother I want to able to rush to my child's attention if they are in need or danger with a sober mind. That's not to say I won't ever drink, I will have the occasional drink. But I don't like the idea that he would be stoned every night, what if we needed to go the hospital all of sudden etc. Also when the children become teens, they will begin to cop on that there dad is out the back smoking when they're in bed or out for a walk every night. He won't be able to hide it from them. How will that influence them? Knowing that they're father smokes weed every night. What if we have a rough patch with little money and we have to cut down on our expenses, will he still pay 50 euro a week on it?

Despite everything, I really do love him. I feel like I can be 100% myself around him and we have a great laugh together. I would be heartbroken to end it with him and It would break his heart too.

 

Am I over analyzing the weed situation in the future or should I break it off before its too late?

 

Three times a day and he's an addict? Really? How much does he smoke each time? 50 euro appears to be $53.67 a week. (Weed is cheap where you live). You think that's a lot? My ex used to spend much, much more than that a week on meth and weed. I'd much rather he had just smoked weed than meth. And if he only did that a week? He would ask me for $60 every time he wanted to go get something. That was like every other day! I don't see your boyfriend as addicted to weed. But he needs to determine what's more important if you guys have kids. He won't be able to smoke it around them and probably not as often.

 

Drinking alcohol is worse than marijuana. How much do you drink and spend on it when you do?

 

People sometimes change when they have kids. Not all the time. Sometimes. If you're not having kids now what's the problem? How do you know you will even still be together when that time comes? I surely hope he's not going to be stoned every night and would hope he would cut back once kids come along.

 

Have you told him that you aren't willing to have a family with him unless he cuts back on his smoking weed?

[WithLove]

Based on how often he partakes and the length of time (10 years basically), I'd agree that he seems addicted to it. So the question becomes, do you want an addict around future children?

 

I'm pretty sure you already know that you're already mentally checked out of this relationship. you're a smart girl, you know what's good for you and what isn't.

[Wiseman2]

You are thinking way too far ahead however if it's to decide whether to cut your losses or not that may be a wise thing to look at. There is a life stage gap. And if drugs are a deal-breaker definitely take note of this now.

 

It sounds like there are arguments about it already and those will only get worse. Stop the nonsense 'drinking vs "it's a natural herb,etc."' arguments..they are circular and judgmental and go nowhere. That's not the point. Either it's a deal breaker for you or not.

 

Do you both live at home? If you find his ambition and education too stunted for you then you are not compatible on that level either. Don't get complacent and become a mother figure nagging him about weed, getting a better job etc. he's not going to change and you can't fix him.

 

If you don't want to be with a stoner, think about it right now not down the line. You may not want to end the carefree fun amusing times, but the longer you drag out these incompatibilities thinking you can fix him with your "logical arguments" the more it will hurt you. Sometimes you have to accept that a fun college bf is not the guy you want a future with.

Were both almost 24. My growing concern for the future is primarily focused on his weed habit. He spends around 50 euro a week on it. It also worries me that he could be fined or worse for possession of it. I don't like the idea that he would be stoned every night. I would be heartbroken to end it with him

]

[abitbroken]

It may be enough when we are young that a guy is easy going and we can be ourselves around them, but that's not enough to build a life together. We will meet a lot of people who are easy going and we can be ourselves around, but there are other factors like their age range, beliefs, where they see their life going, personality, etc that determine if they are a life match or not. He may be a fun guy to date - but you have to look more closely than that.

 

Friends of mine could not conceive because the husband was a weed smoker - it really wrecked havoc on his sperm count. And they did get him checked out and there was no viable supply. He was fine when he was checked 8 years prior - he was married and his wife passed, he started smoking weed, met someone new, etc, and cut back on weed - but the damage was done.

 

The other thing to keep in mind is that he's irritable without weed. That's an addiction. Also, if your area deems marijuana illegal in any way and its around the house, you could lose your kids - AND not to mention if your kids came to school smelling of it.

 

Do you want to marry a guy like that? You see how he is without weed - he is not fun to be around. And $50 a week - that's $200 per month - that's car insurance, a utility bill, and so forth.

[Bubblegum2991]

As someone who is currently with a pothead, and also smoking now and then, I wouldn't worry about it making them a bad father. I know many fathers who smoke pot and are PHENOMENAL fathers. There really isn't much research on the effects of marijuana, but as long as your children aren't smoking, and your not physically smoking near them, it should be fine. I actually have much more patience with my children when I have smoked. Most people are super functional.

 

That being said, smoke breaks are not easy with little children. You may resent his breaks when you need his help with them. It's also not an expense that is easily justified when you've got children to worry about. Don't compare your situation to someone who smoked meth. Just don't. Diapers, wipes, and formula will break the bank. Weed wont seem as important.

 

You never know, he may care much less about weed when he becomes a father. Still, if you have real doubts, than I don't think you should have children with him yet. You have time. Your 24, seriously wait. At least another year or two. Children are permanent, and if you don't feel sure now, that wont change when the children are here.

[Wolfshook]

"I feel its because he is out of his comfort zone and doesn't have weed to help."

 

Nope,it's because he has no weed. It's called addiction.

 

From my experience,potheads are unable to function propperly. It's hard to rely on people with adiction and they generaly are not people you could count on.

[Wiseman2]

Agree she's in denial. feel its because he is out of his comfort zone and doesn't have weed to help. '

Nope,it's because he has no weed. It's called addiction.

 

From my experience,potheads are unable to function propperly. It's hard to rely on people with adiction and they generaly are not people you could count on.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with most of the others. He sounds like fun college bf but not long term prospect.

[j.man]

He sounds psychologically addicted. Now I'm the last to judge weed smockers given that my vice is just as bad, arguably worse (alcohol), but I'm also not downing shots for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He's dependent. I wouldn't have a child with him unless he can get therapy for his self medication.

[itsallgrand]

Someone who has been smoking since they were a kid and it's every day, that's self medicating. He's 24, and maybe he doesn't even realize that he is doing that. Maybe one day he'll get to what the root is and decide to change, but you have to take him at face value. I have an uncle (and I love him very much, get on very well with him) who started out as your bf but now he's in his late fifties and he hasn't changed in all that time. It's every day, and that's part of his life. For some people it truly is medicine. And sometimes it's the only thing that works for them; even after going the whole traditional therapy and pharma drug route. So I'm not quick to judge on this.

 

For you, all you need to decide if it's your deal breaker now. Some may say my deal breaker of "anything more than an occasional drink now and then, or I'm out", is too harsh. It doesn't matter. It's mine. You pick yours. And it sounds like this level of pot smoking is without doubt a dealbreaker which you already know and understand for yourself.

 

So no point dragging it out.

[qwaspolk82]

As someone who is currently with a pothead, and also smoking now and then, I wouldn't worry about it making them a bad father. I know many fathers who smoke pot and are PHENOMENAL fathers. There really isn't much research on the effects of marijuana, but as long as your children aren't smoking, and your not physically smoking near them, it should be fine. I actually have much more patience with my children when I have smoked. Most people are super functional.

 

That being said, smoke breaks are not easy with little children. You may resent his breaks when you need his help with them. It's also not an expense that is easily justified when you've got children to worry about. Don't compare your situation to someone who smoked meth. Just don't. Diapers, wipes, and formula will break the bank. Weed wont seem as important.

 

You never know, he may care much less about weed when he becomes a father. Still, if you have real doubts, than I don't think you should have children with him yet. You have time. Your 24, seriously wait. At least another year or two. Children are permanent, and if you don't feel sure now, that wont change when the children are here.

 

I said my ex husband was smoking weed AND meth - so he was asking for quite a bit more money to get both. I wish he had JUST smoked weed and that wouldn't have bothered me so much nor cost me so much. I didn't say smoking meth and smoking weed are the same thing. I saw she posted he spends $50 a week on weed. That's astounding to me compared to how much my ex spent on stuff. He was sponging this off me while I paid his child support, the bills, the rent, bought the diapers, clothes food for our daughter and things for his other kids when we had them. If he had only asked for $60 a week instead of $60+ every other day or every day I wouldn't have minded so much. That was MY point. That weed is not that bad.

[DancingFool]

Many people can drink alcohol and not be addicted. Many people can smoke weed and not be addicted. However, when someone has to go without and this is the reaction, "It's actually when he hasn't smoked for half day- day that he becomes irritated." you can bet your life they are in fact an addict.

 

Anyway, I think that above aside, you need to look at him as is and decide if that works for you or not ASSUMING, he is never going to change, never going to go to college, never going to complete his degree, never stop using weed as much as he is using, never stop being irritable without it, never be able to go without it, never admit he is addicted and do anything about it, etc, etc, etc.

 

Literally, what you see right now is exactly what you get from him. Now is that your idea of a life partner and would you be happy with that, with absolutely no changes from him whatsoever? Make sure that you are absolutely honest with yourself and skip trying to play cool or being politically correct and oh so tolerant. This is your life and the choices you make have consequences. If you get arrested for possession, you can kiss YOUR career good bye or worse depending on where you get arrested for that.

[boltnrun]

If weed is not legal where you are, and you are caught with weed in the household, guess what happens to your kids? They will get taken away.

 

It doesn't matter one bit how you or he feels about weed if it's illegal. The police won't ask you if you think it SHOULD be legal and then decide whether or not to arrest you and place your children with Children's Services.

 

Are you willing to take this chance?

[RainyCoast]

what is Penny's (is that a fast food joint?) and when and how does he plan to return to school? who will pay for that?

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But I don't like the idea that he would be stoned every night, what if we needed to go the hospital all of sudden etc.

 

you are saying that he is equally functional when stoned as when sober. so why wouldn't he be able to act in an emergency then?

 

is he functional or not then?

 

and how come he is "out of his comfort zone"-- on vacation? so basically whenever off the couch he is out of his comfort zone? and that is impossible to tolerate hence he needs to escape to a chemically altered reality?

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forget the weed as such (although the legal repercussions are hard to not keep in mind)- aren't you worried about living with a guy who can't bear to face life? basically (unless there's stuff you haven't mentioned on here) he hasn't developed a single coping mechanism other than weed, and zero frustration tolerance.

 

good luck having that one around when you're pregnant, caregiving for your dying parents or in laws, losing your job or having a foot of your intestines resected, when he gets sacked from his job, if your house burns down, if /enter any curve ball life may decide to throw at any given moment/.

[RainyCoast]

What if we have a rough patch with little money and we have to cut down on our expenses, will he still pay 50 euro a week on it?

having dated a pothead, yes, he will. you can bet on it.

 

there are people who can handle their poison, and those who can't. if he can't imagine facing a new place, or even breakfast, or noon, or evening without a means of escape, methinks it's an issue.

[Matt3939]

My best friend has smoked as long as I've known him. 20+ years. He has a wife and child. He is very educated also.

[abitbroken]

what is Penny's (is that a fast food joint?) and when and how does he plan to return to school? who will pay for that?

-

 

I thought she meant JCPenney's but that's my interpretation only

 

Also, i will say once you get a few years out of school, its hard to go back. I wish i had stayed in - just doing one class at a time. If he were not going to school because he was interning abroad, had another learning experience, etc, etc, most people at 24 who say they are going back to school usually don't. There ARE exceptions - people who shifted gears to explore another profession before committing to 2-4 years of school in it, etc, and people who are out because they had kids - but for the most part, the guy drifting between low wage jobs might be giving you lip service. There are no pot breaks in class

 

Do you ever ask where he sees himself in 2-5 years?

[boltnrun]

Not to mention, despite the fact that pot is now legal in my state my employer still tests for it. They don't want us coming to work under the influence of ANY substance and that includes alcohol. You don't want someone who's stoned or buzzed operating a forklift.

 

So it does cut down on job prospects if it is still illegal where you live. Yeah, he could do a "cleanse", but if the company does randoms he could still get caught.

 

And like previously mentioned, there are "cigarette breaks" but as far as I know there are no "weed breaks" at work. So, how would he get through an 8 hour workday??

[Batya33]

I don't think you'd be acting in the best interests of your children if you were pregnant in a house with marijuana smoke or had a child around a man who was high that much of the time especially. So it's not just whether he would make a good father- I don't think you can be a good mother while exposing your children to those chemicals, smoke and of course all the money going down the drain for his weed habit, as well as the legal risks.

[Wiseman2]

as far as I know there are no "weed breaks" at work.

]

[KantSleep]

The amount he smokes would bother me. If he smoked here and there, when out at a party, etc. OK, but this constant smoking sounds like an addiction. I smoked a bit in high school, but it wasn't for me and I didn't find it addictive. However, I have seen this behavior in others. I would not like my partner smoking pot 3x or more a day. I would like the "real" person to be with me, not the stoned one. I would suggest he gets help, or you find a partner that you don't have these types of concerns. Some behaviors are deal breakers, although I know it is easy for me to say - I don't love the guy.

[evad1]

L

 

having dated a pothead, yes, he will. you can bet on it.

 

there are people who can handle their poison, and those who can't. if he can't imagine facing a new place, or even breakfast, or noon, or evening without a means of escape, methinks it's an issue.

 

That's my boyfriend lol. He can't sleep if he doesn't smoke and he gets irritated when he doesn't smoke. But only for like a day or two. lol I like to make fun of him when he gets like that. Oh gosh you're on your man period again lol. I do think he's addicted but I'd prefer weed over anything else. If it's a deal breaker for you then it's best to leave him. He's a awesome dad even when he smokes lol he's even more animated with my daughter when he smokes. He used to be way worse than your husband! He used to spend over 100$ a week on his habit. Smoking all day everyday even at work. It has never annoyed me it's just always been something he's done. lm just dating the average version of whiz khalif lol ]

[tattoobunnie]

Smoking weed actually ruins your sperm production, and also makes them horrific swimmers. So, he may not even be able to get your pregnant, and if he does, the quality of sperm you are getting is pretty sad.