Losing what is probably THE Love of your life

[lucasargeseanu]

Hello everyone. I am deeply interested in your points of view of the situation that I will describe.

 

It all started randomly with me seeing this woman with some friends randomly at the cafe. I didn't have the nerve to go after her at the time, but I found her on social media ( I wrote a story describing the funny situation and she found me actually ). She was in a relationship, but after 1 year passed and she ended that relationship and messaged me. ( we didn't talk at all in that one year )

We went out, had some fun, but she eventually was too broken thinking about the former relationship she had and I was not going to make the effort with her mind being somewhere else.

After another 3 months she came back, lustful, commited, determined and serious. We had the most intense relationship, I never would have thought that I could have that kind of connection with someone in bed , when kissing or touching. It's haunting when I think about it. We both are childish, having inner issues that we do not know how to resolve.

We both had periods when she thought she deserved more, and this is not enough ( as did I ). The reasons are different: mine were that she doesn't do anything for her to progress educational&carreer-wise. hers were the fact that she cannot do some things that she wants with me ( but has the freedom to do with whomever she wants )

The wrong thing that we did were for me to not make an effort anymore because of that and she closed done inside. Every now and then ( like 2 times a year for the last 2 years ) we had our off time but we didn't resist staying more than a month one without the other. The highs overly outmatch the lows of the relationship.

We actually want the same things in terms of family goals which is frustrating to know. We are 25 years old being for almost 3 years together or better said: we were. After I did not want to go on a trip because all my family thought it was a bad idea and I did too because it was a dangerous trip with the car in mountains. In the moment , she went into a depression thinking my family will always have control of my decisions and that she can't do what she wants with me. ( she didn't even check the weather forecast and the warning codes for that area ).

After that I tried to make a change but her mind was elsewhere: a guy was giving her attention ( who was initially a guy with whom she was friends and kept him away until now ) and she asked if she can go play tennis with him because I don't play tennis. So I said she's free to do whatever she pleases. The fact is that after she said she likes this guy but doesn't know what she likes about him and I found out he really knew what to do to win her in her vulnerable moments. He is older, and I presume that is what interests her.

The mind comes after we separated. She started texting me and I did wrong to see her, kiss her , have lunch with her. ( As she intends to give that guy a chance ) . She said that she doesn't know how to fix herself in another way other than running away and starting out something new where she didn't make mistakes yet. She also stated that I lost her because she asked too much of me because of the frustration that she has ( of doing nothing with her life ).

I really am looking forward to healing myself, but I know it's going to be very hard - in these 3 years I didn't saw even once a woman that is as beautiful and interesting as this one. I have had dozens of women, but none with whom I would feel so connected.

I am wondering if we will ever resolve our issues and get back together after we've healed completely so we can start something new as adults not as children.

I could swear this woman would be perfect if only she would have the motivation to accomplish things in her life. She currently doesn't want for us to make up because it's a bad idea and I think that also: we would eventually end up in the same place.

I wonder if there is a way for us to resolve our individual issues in order to have a fruitous and constant happy relationship

[MissCanuck]

Honestly, she sounds too immature and too emotionally unavailable for a serious relationship.

[Andrina]

A person's work ethics stay pretty consistent from the late teens into the twenties and beyond, at least for the people I know. You have to think about all of your major needs being met by a potential lifetime partner. If you stayed with her, you'd probably grow to resent her because she wouldn't be pulling any weight for contributing to the household finances. You devoted yourself to her over the last several years and probably put up boundaries to other women, so it's not surprising that you think of her as THE love of your life. That idea is self sabotaging.

 

With over 5 billion people in the world, do you really think there are no other great women out there? Stay single to mourn the relationship. Stop contact with her for closure. When you open your heart to meeting new women, I have a feeling you will be pleasantly surprised.

[lucasargeseanu]

You have to think about all of your major needs being met by a potential lifetime partner.

 

 

After disappointing my entire family as a teenager, and having a complete lack of trust from them I changed myself entirely. I got rid of all the bad influences in my life, started learning again. I was living an real make-over project: Changed my hairstyle, my clothes , I scored in the top 1000 students with highest finishing highschool scores in my country ( something like S.A.T.s in USA ).

I got myself in a state of mind where all I would look forward to is becoming a better person : having a better life, better girlfriend, better friends, better everything.

 

Having doing so, I've become more pretentious. I have went in casual relationships with a lot of women and never having the will to stay more than 1-2 months with each. Or so it was, until 2014 when I've met my actual girlfriend.

 

The ex is a very attractive woman, a part-time model, I'd say she's dangerously beautiful. What made me so interested, I think ( because I am an very analytical person ) was the fact that she was so hurt and just finished an 3year relationship with her ex. She was so heart-broken that I've set a goal in my mind that I will make her terribly fall in love with me.

 

In just 2 months I've met all her family, moved in with her, did a lot of romantic gestures that could be considered kind of-grand gestures and I nagged about her behavior. She is an ill-tempered person, being very susceptible to aggressive impulses because of her emotive self. She had a lot of fights in her family and psychologically it's easy to observe she has an daddy issue going on.T

Nevertheless she has a list of qualities as well ( as any of us have ) being a very thoughtfull, caring girl , her first priority being getting happily married and having a kid.

 

I started wondering if I am not a kind of person who isn't satisfied with his situation in any given point of his life because:

 

At first I was complaining she doesn't love me as much as she should or as she loved the other guy ( when I was treating her in a way that guy never treated her - the guy had a foul language, was aggresive and distructive to her - He was an 23 old guy and she was 16 y old when they hooked up. [ absurd to me , when I think about it ] .

 

Then 3 months in our relationship she saw him and chose me instead of him. I caught her meeting with her and I told her I don't accept feeling other than the first choice on her agenda. She cried and begged for me to give her another chance because she didn't do anything and I did.

She was then the most loving person I could think of.

 

Time passed and with time moving forward , the way I saw her changed. I started noticing a lot of things that I truly don't like and was considering it will pass as they were a result of the wrong relationship she had in the past.

 

But actually, that is the way she is. And only she can change herself..in time.

 

The thing that is KILLING ME is the connection we had in bed, I cannot explain how it was to kiss her. We were somehow how those avatar characters make love under the life tree. I swear..

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but if you want to fix and change her, you are incompatible, no matter how good the sex was. It sounds like she wants someone more adventurous. On/off for years is often about being incompatible, wanting to change the other but having a good sexual connection and nothing else.

I never would have thought that I could have that kind of connection with someone in bed. I could swear this woman would be perfect if only she would have the motivation to accomplish things in her life.

[Andrina]

"What made me so interested, I think ( because I am an very analytical person ) was the fact that she was so hurt and just finished an 3year relationship with her ex. She was so heart-broken that I've set a goal in my mind that I will make her terribly fall in love with me."

 

This shows you haven't worked enough on yourself. Having a rescuing mentality is always destructive. Someone who is whole and not a fixer upper is the best risk for your heart.

[lucasargeseanu]

This shows you haven't worked enough on yourself. Having a rescuing mentality is always destructive. Someone who is whole and not a fixer upper is the best risk for your heart.

 

I don't think I had the rescuing mentality , maybe the challenge mentality or conquest mentality. Maybe....

[holistic17]

Sexualising chemistry is not the be all and end all. I've had that with a couple of people in the past but we were really not compatible in life! It seems that it's the same for you both. She is all over the place emotionally. She sounds like she doesn't take much time in between each relationship to reflect and learn. Seems like she's hoping to meet someone who will fix her and it all be happily ever after. It doesn't work like that. She has to do the work for herself. Talking of work - if she's not a career woman and you want someone with life goals, then she isn't for you that way either. Stop letting her run back to you whenever she's at a loss and feels it wouldn't work with whoever she's trying to be with! Don't be used like that. Move on. She's not good for you long term.