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She got really angry. Was I wrong?


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It sucks cause at times it seemed like she was putting some effort. She would call me everyday to catch up. But i can't force what's no there. You

 

Well maybe, at this moment in time, it's best that you don't spend so much time around each other as I'm not sure you are doing it for the right reasons ... and it seems to be causing confusion, especially for your girls. My girls always knew that mummy and daddy weren't together because we were well established in our own separate lives too. In fact my youngest has never known any different. I can remember a time when my ex-husband gave me a hug after I had split up with my ex-boyfriend. My youngest apparently said to her sisters "Ewww, daddy's hugging mummy. Weird!"

 

Anyway, doing all this family together stuff might be left best until you have both moved on to a healthier place and created some stability for the girls in their lives with each of you.

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My parents and siblings live out of state as do hers. I think that's one of the reasons she hasn't really let go of me completely. By the way I had previously booked a getaway for this weekend. It's already paid for. What do you guys advise I should do?

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My parents and siblings live out of state as do hers. I think that's one of the reasons she hasn't really let go of me completely. By the way I had previously booked a getaway for this weekend. It's already paid for. What do you guys advise I should do?

 

For you and your ex?

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For all of us as a family. A resort with an indoor water park. Again family adventures.

 

Well seeing as it's booked and your girls will be looking forward to it you should really go ahead with it but I think you need to refrain from doing this type of thing for a while. Neither of you are really ready. You both seem to be fuelled by your emotions one way or the other .... and you aren't doing it for the right reasons. You want to play at being happy families when you are anything but.

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Honestly I think it would be best to cancel, but if your kids are already looking forward to it I wouldn't disappoint them. In that case go and make the best of it for the girls.

 

Look, you did a terrible thing that tore your family apart. You know that and I'm not going to beat you up about it. If your ex wants to hate you forever for it, that's her right.

 

However, what you did doesn't mean that you never have a right to be happy again. It really sounds like you are being strung along here. I don't know if your ex is doing that on purpose or not, but it's up to you to decide how long you want to live in relationship purgatory. You don't have to pay penance forever. Maybe it would be best just to bow out, stop trying to rebuild this thing, establish your own life, and start co-parenting separately.

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I wish I knew why she's doing it. I have asked her and all she says is this is the way it has to be. I just don't get why bring up the past if she's not willing to move forward. It's like beating a dead horse. If you're that angry at me then why spend the time with me. That's what I don't get.

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You are the kids dad, she's trying to do right by them, the same way you are. In fact it's great your love of your kids outweighs any hatred, anger, resentment, etc. you have toward each other.

If you're that angry at me then why spend the time with me.
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I wish I knew why she's doing it. I have asked her and all she says is this is the way it has to be. I just don't get why bring up the past if she's not willing to move forward. It's like beating a dead horse. If you're that angry at me then why spend the time with me. That's what I don't get.

Well look, what you're saying here is tantamount to "Hey it's over. It's in the past. Get over it and stop bringing it up." You don't get to do that. If you want to be with her she gets to be angry and hold this over your head for as long as she feels she needs to.

 

Ultimately though, she does need to either agree to be with you and work things out or not. And it doesn't "have to be this way." You can decide that you're done trying to make this work and walk away from the situation entirely. Not your kids, of course, but this woman and your relationship with her.

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I agree. At some point I'm gonna have to make the desicion for the both of us. I just left her place. I picked up the girls from school and dropped them off. I usually stay for dinner but I didn't. She still seemed upset about last night. So I gave my girls a hug and a kiss and the usual listen to mommy and don't give her a hard time. I then kissed her on the forehead and said bye. Her only response was be careful. It didn't faze her that I was leaving.

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I agree. At some point I'm gonna have to make the desicion for the both of us. I just left her place. I picked up the girls from school and dropped them off. I usually stay for dinner but I didn't. She still seemed upset about last night. So I gave my girls a hug and a kiss and the usual listen to mommy and don't give her a hard time. I then kissed her on the forehead and said bye. Her only response was be careful. It didn't faze her that I was leaving.

I'm not a fan of manipulative ploys, but if you want her back I think your only real chance here is to disengage and let her see that you are moving on with your life. Right now she feels that she can string you along indefinitely. I think it's time to walk away.

 

But here's the thing; it won't be a ploy. Accept that you fubared this relationship and there's no going back. Move on, take care of your kids when you have them and stay involved with their lives but disengage from her. Co-parent but that's it. Obviously don't do anything that's going to hurt your kids but spend time with them at your place, not hers. Don't kiss her goodbye, stop asking for her back, etc.

 

Take yourself out of purgatory. One of two things will happen. Either you'll begin to move on with your life and can eventually find someone to have a real relationship with, or she'll realize that she's losing you for real and ask to have you back. The former, however, is more likely, and you need to accept that first and be OK with it.

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yes. I guess it's time I take some control of the situation. I don't like playing mind games. It's childish. We are grown ups and there is no reason we should be playing games. Several times I have asked her if there any hope and she always replies "I don't know. Not right now. Maybe in the future". That's not even a response. I don't know maybe I'm over analyzing things.

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No "family fun vacations". You are no longer a family all together. It is terribly confusing for the children. If its all booked, why don't you suggest she take her sister or her mom or someone to go with the girls, or the girls' older teen cousin, etc. It is an awful yo yo to live away from the girls and then to go on vacations and act like all is well. Its one thing to both show at the child's birthday party but on trips you set the precedent that the kids think if only they behaved really well on the trip, dad would come back to live with them, etc. Sometimes stability is parents living apart and the kids seeing them as separate vs sometimes dad is with mom and sometimes not and its never predictable.

 

I suggest that you never stay for dinner - that either you take the girls to your place to eat or take them out certain nights, or you take care of the girls and have dinner at their house while mom goes out with her girlfriends or goes to the store, or whatever.

 

Also, just because your ex catches up with you doesn't mean she is "making progress". She is used to you, that is why she talks to you to catch up. And if she has no family around it makes it more difficult.

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yes. I guess it's time I take some control of the situation. I don't like playing mind games. It's childish. We are grown ups and there is no reason we should be playing games. Several times I have asked her if there any hope and she always replies "I don't know. Not right now. Maybe in the future". That's not even a response. I don't know maybe I'm over analyzing things.

 

That is not a fair question and its one that she cannot answer. Its hard to look someone in the eye and tell them "no" when a child is in the next room. Again, you need to stop asking her questions! She is playing zero games. You are playing games with your children by being at the house so much and planning vacations for the non existent family

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Abitbroken in a way you are right. Planning family vacations can seem like I'm playing games. I do not do it with any ill intention. I try to do things for my girls, her included. It was part of me showing her that regardless of what happened my family or what's left of it comes first. Im not trying to play games or put on a facade. And I'm definitely not trying to hurt my daughters. It is my way of putting my pride to the side and showing her that I care. Even on Sunday. The issue with the Super Bowl. The reason I ended up at her place was because I cancelled going to a friends house to watch the game because my oldest asked me to take her to the movies. It was more important to me that I spend time with my daughter. That's another reason why I was so hurt by her reaction. I put my daughter first and she didn't even realize that.

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Abitbroken in a way you are right. Planning family vacations can seem like I'm playing games. I do not do it with any ill intention. I try to do things for my girls, her included. It was part of me showing her that regardless of what happened my family or what's left of it comes first. Im not trying to play games or put on a facade. And I'm definitely not trying to hurt my daughters. It is my way of putting my pride to the side and showing her that I care. Even on Sunday. The issue with the Super Bowl. The reason I ended up at her place was because I cancelled going to a friends house to watch the game because my oldest asked me to take her to the movies. It was more important to me that I spend time with my daughter. That's another reason why I was so hurt by her reaction. I put my daughter first and she didn't even realize that.

 

The problem is that you "show you care" and when you decide she seems relaxed and at ease, you ask her where you stand. And then the tension begins again. The other part of care is showing respect - that you respect her space and her parenting when she has the girls. You are only concerned about doing things that bring about a result.

 

Actually, if your oldest wanted to go to a movie, you could have taken her in the afternoon before the game and then went to the friend's superbowl party. You are not putting your child first by doing something with her and then expecting to cozy up with a family dinner. If you want your ex to miss you, you've got to stop being around. But that's neither here nor their now.

 

There are divorced dads that make the mistake of lavishing their kids with trips to Disney, etc, and then leaving their ex in the situation where they can't compete. Its terribly lopsided and does not help kids.

 

For now, focus on figuring out who you are as an individual, get used to living alone, be consistent with your kids (consistent does not mean being around their house constantly), and stop trying to win your ex over. The relationship is irrepairably broken. You can take day trips with your kids on your own without the ex, but don't overdue it right now. Let them finish up the school year. Also, maybe its a good idea after you cool it for awhile with your ex that you talk about how things will go during the summer as far as visits and custody - Do these kids go to daycare during the day in the summer? Are they in all year school? Does that mean you will take them all weekend if mom has them during the week? Lay it all out in a sober way - maybe not yet, but maybe when the end of April and early may comes around.

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