confused :/

[oliviarobinson]

hi there i am 16 and in high school currently. before i start off, i first off want to address the fact that i am not some silly, boy crazy girl who thinks "love" is liking instagram posts, texting a bunch of hearts, and dating for a week. although most high schoolers often don't recognize the true meaning of love and what it really means, i think i am there. anyways, i need advice from anyone with experience or input on my situation. so here goes.

 

one of my good girl friends had been dating a guy for a fairly long time. i had to hang around them and awkwardly third wheel from time to time. of course, the guy had friends of course. one of his friends noticed me, and kept getting my friend's boyfriend to get me with him, without him expressing interest to me directly. this guy is hot and star basketball player and everything. but he is definitely a "bad boy" type character for sure, to an extreme. i am a type A, semi nerdy, good girl so having someone so different from me show any interest in me was weird for me. i brushed it off, not sure what to do. weeks later, it turned out we were in the same dance class. it was awkward. but at the end of the semster, we began to talk. idk how it started, but the conversation between us was so easy and natural. we became very close and flirted quite a bit, and began to date. i really liked him at the beginning, he intrigued me and i just couldnt stay away. our relationship through many months progressed and he told me he loved me. this guy is literally one of those hard, "i pretend not to have any feelings" guys so this was a big deal. i know how much he liked me since before i even liked him. i also knew i loved him too.

 

the problem is, he is controlling. and a major hypocrite. he got angry at me for following any guy on instagram or having anyone on snapchat. if i so much even made eye contact with a guy that was a classmate, not even a friend, he would threaten to break things off with me and say horrible things to me. it has gotten to a point im afraid anything i do will piss him off (btw weve been together almost a year now). one time, he was so pissed at me for a ridiculous reason that he went and slept with another girl. i hadnt lost my virginity yet (still havent). it destroyed me. and i had to beg HIM to come back to ME. i cried for weeks until we got back together. id also like to point out that i never cheated on him. yet he gets mad at me and he has. hes gotten high and walked over to the girl he slept with (whom he promised to never talk to again) to rub it in my face. i make an excuse for him everytime. "he was high, no control. he didnt know what he was doing" or "maybe he shouldve been mad". But im starting to realize those excuses are becoming more and more invalid. Being high isnt okay to me AT SCHOOL because thats just dumb. and i have done everything for him, time and time again.

 

He actually, for the first time, CRIED during an argument last week. i know he has a lot of feelings for me and wants me in his life. he says he "needs me" all the time, and i have gotten to a place where i kinda need him too.

 

i know he cares about me a lot... hes shown that in other ways. he is also very sheltered and has a fragile past. he would do anything for me, and hes very kind to me. we have this fire and passion. i am so deeply attached to him and would never hurt him, but then again he can and does hurt me. but i am at a point where i am emotionally exhausted. our "year" is coming up and i am trying evaluate our relationship. its been okay recently but i know he will flare up at the smallest thing. i am tired of living in fear of that. i would do anything for him but he doesnt realize that. he always thinks im leaving him and says "i cant have that happen." i want to be with him so badly, i know i love him. but i also want to do what is healthy and best for me. please help and comment. thanks

 

also, he has subtly brought up sex. i feel ready but idk, im a virgin. he hasnt pressured me but i know he wants it. idk. im just really confused

[Lone She Wolf]

Wow....your post makes me want to rescue you. I know how you feel about him...most of us feel that way at some point in our lives, sometimes more than once. Unfortunately, it's not healthy....you're confusing emotional addictive clinging and attachment with love. There's nothing to feel bad about...it's just part of being human that we have to learn how to love again.

 

When we are little children, you love unconditionally, right? It doesn't matter to you what your mom or dad looks like, what they say or do...you just love them. As we get older, we develop a concept of pain and fear and then make our love conditional - I will love you if you behave this way, but not otherwise (look at the conditions your bf has set for you, he won't love you if you talk to other boys). This especially blows out of proportion when hormones get involved and you start "loving" romantically. But real love is unconditional and respectful and freeing. Real love is the same between everyone, but the form of the relationship changes...for instance you may love your parents and you love your bf, but your form of relationships changes because you obviously do things with your bf that you don't do with other people.

 

The fact that your bf has conditions under which he will withhold love from you doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it does mean that he's wounded and has a lot of fear inside that makes him act like a jerk. That's in no way condoning his behavior, but it does give you the right to say, "I love you and I will not tolerate this type of treatment and I have to leave you now." Obviously you can't say, "I will not tolerate this behavior so change your behavior so that I can love you"...because then you'd be expressing the same conditional type of love as him, just with different conditions.

 

Bottom line is this....it's ok to love him, but it's not ok to stay in a controlling relationship...at least not if you don't want to. And if you do stay, you really don't have much room to complain since it's your choice to stay. Your job is pretty much to be honest with him and tell how you feel and let him know that certain behaviors will force you to leave him if you are to have any kind of self respect and dignity. Otherwise you can choose to stay with him and be controlled, mistreated, and emotionally exhausted, but then please realize it's not him doing anything to you, it's your decision to stay in such an environment.

 

Hope that helps.

[oliviarobinson]

you seem to understand this perfectly. wow. thank you. i have seen him change bit by bit and slowly become better. but not fast enough. he tries and wants me to be happy but he just doesn't truly understand my position on things. and thats a problem, because i tell him all the time. we are either really good or really bad. i just want to feel in control honestly.

[pippy longstocking]

. one time, he was so pissed at me for a ridiculous reason that he went and slept with another girl

 

This was your cue to walk away for good ... Yes i expect 16 yr olds to be immature , but I still expect 16 yr olds to know right from wrong ...he is already a control freak , a manipulator , unfaithful , self righteous , cruel and really not a very nice person at all ...

 

You can kid yourself darling that he cares ....... no one does this stuff if they care .... dump his sorry ass and get out do what your age group is supposed to do .....have fun and live life ...

[Tinydance]

I feel you coz I still can't help liking "bad boys" and I'm 32 years old lol However I think this guy is definitely bad news, he sounds very up himself and very abusive and controlling. He is cheating on you and then manipulating you into thinking that you should be fine with it because you "glanced at a classmate". Please don't lose your virginity to this guy. I really think he doesn't deserve you and if you want your first time to be special, please don't do it with this douche canoe!! That's just an Australian slang term for "jerk", I hope it made sense lol

[Wiseman2]

Talk to your parents or any trusted adult about dating red flags. Google "relationship red flags" and "teen dating violence" and "controlling relationships" and "signs of emotional abuse". Educate yourself about it: he is definitely a "bad boy" type character for sure.

he is controlling.

he got angry at me for following any guy on instagram or having anyone on snapchat.

if i so much even made eye contact with a guy that was a classmate, he would threaten to break things off with me and say horrible things to me.

it has gotten to a point im afraid anything i do will piss him off

he was so pissed at me for a ridiculous reason that he went and slept with another girl.

hes gotten high and walked over to the girl he slept with to rub it in my face.

he has subtly brought up sex. i feel ready but idk, im a virgin.