Postmortem: Whirlwind Romance

[Fools Matrix]

The last time I posted in enotalone, I was going through the after effects of divorce. My divorce was final in June '16. Ive been dating here and there - nothing serious. Just dinners, dancing etc. I signed up on eharmony, thinking I might be ready for that. I met a woman, we'll just call her "A". We had so much in common and off the hook chemistry. Our first date was at a little cafe. Conversation flowed easily and we decided to stroll around, talking. We parted ways a while later. Before I got home, she was already texting me, telling me how much of a wonderful time she had and that she looked forward to seeing me again. (In the midst of our conversation, our second date was already planned). We ended up texting each other until later that evening. Since her job is close to mine, we decided to get together for lunch, both of us feeling like waiting till Friday to see each other was too long. Now, in the back of my mind, I felt like things were moving pretty quickly here... But it felt good, after all I'd been through the previous year. I just rolled with it. Then came the conditions. She wanted me to know before we got too invested, that she was 1) Bipolar2 and 2) studying to convert to Catholicism (and wanted to follow it to the letter i.e. no sex until marriage). The bipolar thing I was somewhat familiar with and felt ok as long as she was undergoing treatment and honestly felt like she could maintain a relationship. The no sex thing, well, I was raised to believe the same but had never practiced it. I decided that maybe for once, I'd try that and keep an open mind. After all, sex can muddy things up a bit when you're trying to get to know someone. We went on our date. We had a fantastic time and truly enjoyed each other's company. So much so that we got together the next night and the night after that. Things seemed to be moving really fast by then. There was talk of future plans. We'd even planned a camping trip in March. Oh, well looks like we're doing Valentines day too! We couldn't get enough of each other and talked every night. When we said goodnight, there was always this feeling that something was going unsaid - that shouldn't be said so soon. Fast forward another week. During a conversation about real estate, I mentioned that I was hoping to buy some land to build on, once I paid down some debt. Things got weird after that. She wanted to know how much debt and what was it for. The total debt is 50k and was the split of marital debt, the cost of my divorce the previous year and my startup costs ( I practically came out of my marriage with nothing but my truck and clothes). I explained this to her, told her I was working on it, had a plan in place. She seemed really concerned that I might be financially irresponsible. Worried that our "financial philosophies" don't match. But since I had some sort of plan in place to remedy it, she was ok with that. This is 2 weeks in to our "relationship" mind you. I really felt like telling her it was none of her business just yet but bit my tongue. After all, we were both looking for something long term and I could see where this could be an issue for some. Then she calls me 2 days later. She's worried about the debt again. A "bad gut feeling". At this point, I'm getting aggravated. She's practically letting me know that she doesn't believe what I'd told her before and that there was some lack of trust going on. We end up breaking up over this. She asked if we could be friends and I had said no, we couldn't. Not under these circumstances. Basically, I was a bit offended by her questioning me again and she was upset because I became a little agitated with the line of questioning. I did end up sending her 2 different emails, trying to get to the bottom of what the hell just happened. That ended up with her telling me not to contact her anymore. So I've deleted all her contact info, unfriended on fb and blocked on eharmony. There's no way for me to get in touch with her now. All this happened in about 3 weeks. My head is spinning and I'm wondering how in the hell did this happen. I'd really like to know. We went from thinking we could be soul mates to "don't contact me" in just 3 weeks! If someone reads this and senses something I should have done /not done or red flags I should have noticed, please let me know. I'll get over this just fine, given the short amount of time, but I am a bit disappointed. I'm just glad it didn't go on longer and that she'd never met my kids.

[Almira23]

Good lord, is her biological clock ticking or something?

All of that nonsense in a matter of 3 weeks sounds like a headache.

You did the right thing by blocking her. She seems like a nut job. I would never ask someone about their finances when I barely know anything else about their life.

I would just take the loss and continue your eHarmony adventures.

[Tanzi]

Wow, I'm not even sure you could call this a "whirlwind romance". There wasn't even enough time to whip up a whirlwind.

 

She could be acting erratically due to her bipolar .... but, whatever, she had no business trying to dig so deep into your finances. It is none of her business and it is quite concerning that she made it so.

 

As we often say on eNA .... you dodged a bullet.

[Lone She Wolf]

Okay...lots of red flags for me, anyway.

 

1. She's blowing up your phone after only one date before you even get home....It's totally ok with either the guy or girl to send a quick, "Thanks for tonight, I had fun" or something like that. But the, "looking forward to seeing you again" is a bit presumptuous unless you had already agreed to see her again.

 

2. Seeing each other on so many consecutive nights....way too much, unless you want a whirlwind romance, which is kinda what you got.

 

3. Planning things out for March after only knowing each other a couple weeks.....could be sincere, but probably just "in the moment" type of talk that can cause lots of emotional trauma via unrealistic expectations.

 

4. Assuming you'd spend Valentines day with her (not sure who's idea that was, but again...too fast)

 

5. Your gut feeling of "things are going really fast" and you not slowing it down.....gut feelings are there for a reason, they're trying to tell you to slow down.

 

6. You thinking about "soul mate" after only 7 months of divorce....especially if it was a financially devastating one. You'd be kinder to yourself and the women you date if you express honestly that you'd like to take things slow and are interested in just dating at this point because you are probably not ready for a serious relationship.

 

and the big one...

 

7. Her freaking out about your finances. If she's seriously considering a serious, long term relationship, I can see her concern, but the way in which she did it was not very elegant. Within a couple of months, guys usually tell me all about their finances without me ever bringing them up....you, yourself mentioned your debt to her at which point, instead of gently probing and waiting for the topic to naturally come up, she totally judged you and freaked out.

 

She's got a list of things she wants to see in a guy and you just failed to check off that one box.... Don't take it personally, men are not shopping lists, and shouldn't be treated like that (neither should women of course). I do hope that you do some research and find out why you feel the need to be in such a serious relationship so soon, you might be surprised at what you find out.

 

Good luck ;-)

[Fools Matrix]

Okay...lots of red flags for me, anyway.

 

1. She's blowing up your phone after only one date before you even get home....It's totally ok with either the guy or girl to send a quick, "Thanks for tonight, I had fun" or something like that. But the, "looking forward to seeing you again" is a bit presumptuous unless you had already agreed to see her again.

 

2. Seeing each other on so many consecutive nights....way too much, unless you want a whirlwind romance, which is kinda what you got.

 

3. Planning things out for March after only knowing each other a couple weeks.....could be sincere, but probably just "in the moment" type of talk that can cause lots of emotional trauma via unrealistic expectations.

 

4. Assuming you'd spend Valentines day with her (not sure who's idea that was, but again...too fast)

 

5. Your gut feeling of "things are going really fast" and you not slowing it down.....gut feelings are there for a reason, they're trying to tell you to slow down.

 

6. You thinking about "soul mate" after only 7 months of divorce....especially if it was a financially devastating one. You'd be kinder to yourself and the women you date if you express honestly that you'd like to take things slow and are interested in just dating at this point because you are probably not ready for a serious relationship.

 

and the big one...

 

7. Her freaking out about your finances. If she's seriously considering a serious, long term relationship, I can see her concern, but the way in which she did it was not very elegant. Within a couple of months, guys usually tell me all about their finances without me ever bringing them up....you, yourself mentioned your debt to her at which point, instead of gently probing and waiting for the topic to naturally come up, she totally judged you and freaked out.

 

She's got a list of things she wants to see in a guy and you just failed to check off that one box.... Don't take it personally, men are not shopping lists, and shouldn't be treated like that (neither should women of course). I do hope that you do some research and find out why you feel the need to be in such a serious relationship so soon, you might be surprised at what you find out.

 

Good luck ;-)

 

I'm not sure what got in to me. I didn't necessarily set out for something serious. But this was the first time since my divorce that the sparks flew the way they did. It's been so many years since I felt that. I guess that's why I sort of ignored the red flags about things moving quickly. It felt good and I just went with it. I do realize now, more than ever, that I'm definitely not ready for the long term. I'm not bad off financially but I have some work to do. Remind me to never bring that up again. On the other hand, maybe that saved me from something worse. Who knows!

[DancingFool]

The thing with unbalanced people, whether they genuinely are on a bipolar high, or some other issue or personality disorder is that their energy, charisma and overall intensity can truly sweep you up and sweep you off your feet. It is intoxicating, but it's a bit like a high from a drug. The effect does't last and the consequences of getting addicted are horrendous and self destructive in the long run if you don't cut them off and get rid of them before you get addicted to all the drama that kind of stuff brings about.

 

Anyway, the thing with dating is that you really do have to have thick skin, be very grounded personally, and be able to weed out unhealthy individuals quickly and ruthlessly. Since you are not ready to jump into a serious relationship, I'd suggest a dating site like Match where not everyone on there is looking to get married tomorrow or joining some meetup.com groups not necessarily for dating, but just hobbies, socializing, to meet new people, make new friends and you might meet some nice woman to date as well. 7 months out of divorce, I'd say make new friends and rediscover who you are as a single man before leaping into dating and being the other half again.

[Fools Matrix]

The thing with unbalanced people, whether they genuinely are on a bipolar high, or some other issue or personality disorder is that their energy, charisma and overall intensity can truly sweep you up and sweep you off your feet. It is intoxicating, but it's a bit like a high from a drug. The effect does't last and the consequences of getting addicted are horrendous and self destructive in the long run if you don't cut them off and get rid of them before you get addicted to all the drama that kind of stuff brings about.

 

Anyway, the thing with dating is that you really do have to have thick skin, be very grounded personally, and be able to weed out unhealthy individuals quickly and ruthlessly. Since you are not ready to jump into a serious relationship, I'd suggest a dating site like Match where not everyone on there is looking to get married tomorrow or joining some meetup.com groups not necessarily for dating, but just hobbies, socializing, to meet new people, make new friends and you might meet some nice woman to date as well. 7 months out of divorce, I'd say make new friends and rediscover who you are as a single man before leaping into dating and being the other half again.

 

Very interesting. I didn't know about them being able to suck you in like that. It's really what it felt like. Seems a little messed up to drop someone because they're bipolar or whatever - I try to keep an open mind. But I don't think I'm equipped to deal with that.

 

I have tried match and had horrible luck. I'm attractive enough, in shape and look young for my age (46) but I have 2 young kids... 6&7. I think that puts a lot of women my age off. I've had better luck w/ eharmony for some reason. I'd already joined meetup but haven't been very active in it, time to jump in I suppose...