My Odyssey

[Sportster2005]

My ex dance partner keeps saying good bye. She texted me the day after the dance. Wanted to return something inconsequential. I said "O.K thanks" She never texts me, she uses FB Messenger. On a hunch I went to check if she unfriended me. She actually blocked me. It's a shame we can't be friends. Perhaps she feels slighted. I was always, always up front with her. I did detect some coldness from the people she arrived with. They are mutual acquaintances, wouldn't call them friends. P and MC. I'm surprised people in their 50s still take sides. I think P might even be 60 now.

 

I think it's unfortunate. I could understand if we dated, or if I lead her on. But I did neither. Our paths will probably cross often. There's nothing I can do I guess. Leave well enough alone. If she ever wants to talk I'll listen.

 

More dancing this afternoon with CS. It will be at one of our favorite bars. One we have bumped into each other quite often over the years. We're going to start Salsa lessons in about three weeks. It's the one dance we are kind of weak in. But we are having fun anyways.

[IAmFCA]

I am feeling really really good about this and trying to keep my mouth shut

[Sportster2005]

I am feeling really really good about this and trying to keep my mouth shut

 

Why? ......

[Sportster2005]

We've already agreed we are on the same page as far as our individual relationship goals are. Last night I think CS wanted better definition. She was seeking commitments, just the possibility of. When I mentioned I would love to sell my condo and move downtown, she said something to the affect that you never know would could happen in a year and I should just hold on to it. She also made the comment she's never had the luxury of a dual income and sharing bills. She was also curious and asked if I would consider getting married again. That all sounds scary without tone, body language and context.

 

I told her my life plan was to get re-married eventually after my divorce. I also mentioned a dual income sounded nice. No so sure about re-marriage though. Idle pillow talk.

 

Think of a new runner. Ask them if they might run a marathon someday. They might some day. But it's not in the immediate planning, or an immediate goal.

[IAmFCA]

Why? ......

 

For just the reason of last night's convo. Living in the moment is so important. I am glad for these moments for you.

[abitbroken]

We've already agreed we are on the same page as far as our individual relationship goals are. Last night I think CS wanted better definition. She was seeking commitments, just the possibility of. When I mentioned I would love to sell my condo and move downtown, she said something to the affect that you never know would could happen in a year and I should just hold on to it. She also made the comment she's never had the luxury of a dual income and sharing bills. She was also curious and asked if I would consider getting married again. That all sounds scary without tone, body language and context.

 

I told her my life plan was to get re-married eventually after my divorce. I also mentioned a dual income sounded nice. No so sure about re-marriage though. Idle pillow talk.

 

Think of a new runner. Ask them if they might run a marathon someday. They might some day. But it's not in the immediate planning, or an immediate goal.

 

Unless she talks about rings next week, I wouldn't worry so much. My guy and i did the full inventory by date 4 or 5. - we knew where we stood about kids, whether i would consider re-marrying in the future (obviously smart to not waste his time if i was set on never marrying again), what the general scenario of my divorce was, what his status was (was he ever engaged?) - just consider this all fact finding to determine if two sensible people should continue dating or look for someone different. So if she is asking questions - you ask questions. You probably know by now if she has kids or not. Is she divorced/how long? If not, ever engaged? Is she close with her family? Are her parents alive?

[Sportster2005]

Unless she talks about rings next week, I wouldn't worry so much. My guy and i did the full inventory by date 4 or 5. - we knew where we stood about kids, whether i would consider re-marrying in the future (obviously smart to not waste his time if i was set on never marrying again), what the general scenario of my divorce was, what his status was (was he ever engaged?) - just consider this all fact finding to determine if two sensible people should continue dating or look for someone different. So if she is asking questions - you ask questions. You probably know by now if she has kids or not. Is she divorced/how long? If not, ever engaged? Is she close with her family? Are her parents alive?

 

I agree. I'm not worried.

 

I do know quite a bit about her. We've exchanged the usual information. It's interesting that we have been single for the same amount of time.

 

We've updated or Facebook status's. It's official now

[faraday]

If it's on Facebook it must be real! congrats

[reinventmyself]

. . .just don't forget about us

[Sportster2005]

. . .just don't forget about us

 

I can't forget you guys. You've saved me thousands in therapy

[SherrySher]

You're taken? Damn!

 

Congrats Sportster, I hope it works out.

[Sportster2005]

I was just now talking to CS on the phone. She said she joked that she was a maneater. I laughed and said I don't think you know what that means. I explained it's a woman that chews men up and spits them out. She laughed and said, oh that isn't me. She then said, that's LO. Maybe she's like other women and just doesn't want her boyfriend around LO at all. She's in another province, no threat. Just odd. That is all.

[Batya33]

I was just now talking to CS on the phone. She said she joked that she was a maneater. I laughed and said I don't think you know what that means. I explained it's a woman that chews men up and spits them out. She laughed and said, oh that isn't me. She then said, that's LO. Maybe she's like other women and just doesn't want her boyfriend around LO at all. She's in another province, no threat. Just odd. That is all.

 

It is a little odd that she continues to be focused on LO.

[Sportster2005]

It is a little odd that she continues to be focused on LO.

 

Is she insecure? We both have been witness to some of the destruction she has left in her path. I suspect CS knows much more than I.

 

It's not a big issue, and I'm not looking for trouble where none exists. LO is an odd duck, it shouldn't be a surprise she incites odd behaviour. She should probably be just ignored. She's thousands of miles away.

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes a woman will want someone lime LO explained from a male perspective.

 

Whatever her motivations, its good not to engage. At some point it might even be good to discourage her from bringing LO up, indirectly or head on. Even my friends whose marriage sustained affairs never spoke about the outsiders; they focused on themselves. Very effective way of keeping the outsider outside.

[Sportster2005]

Sometimes a woman will want someone lime LO explained from a male perspective.

 

Whatever her motivations, its good not to engage. At some point it might even be good to discourage her from bringing LO up, indirectly or head on. Even my friends whose marriage sustained affairs never spoke about the outsiders; they focused on themselves. Very effective way of keeping the outsider outside.

 

Excellent advice. I never say anything when she mentions LO. And I kind of don't like it. The mention of her still causes me something. I'm not sure of the feeling.

 

The other day CS was showing me some dancing videos. She pointed out LO in one of the videos. I felt a pang of wanting. It might be ironic if CS is trying to poison the well but it has the unintended consequence of making think about LO again. Regardless of how fleeting and small the thought.

[reinventmyself]

Excellent advice. I never say anything when she mentions LO. And I kind of don't like it. The mention of her still causes me something. I'm not sure of the feeling.

 

The other day CS was showing me some dancing videos. She pointed out LO in one of the videos. I felt a pang of wanting. It might be ironic if CS is trying to poison the well but it has the unintended consequence of making think about LO again. Regardless of how fleeting and small the thought.

 

Ooooo . . shake it off.

 

It's just funny. . thinking of your thoughts and how alot of us would feel the same, IN SPITE of all we know.

Just something to think about, that's all. I just wish I knew why.

[IAmFCA]

I don't engage with the man I loved 25 years ago, even though we broke up affirmatively and are fb friends. I don't engage with my high school bf either. It isn't the same, but it is another example of certain dynamics that exist between people, like constants in a math equation. It just is how it is. I don't wish to be in relationship with either one, but I still feel a stir for each.

[Sportster2005]

I don't engage with the man I loved 25 years ago, even though we broke up affirmatively and are fb friends. I don't engage with my high school bf either. It isn't the same, but it is another example of certain dynamics that exist between people, like constants in a math equation. It just is how it is. I don't wish to be in relationship with either one, but I still feel a stir for each.

 

Nailed it. My voluntary self is at odds with my involuntary self.

 

I find over time I develop a fondness for those people. The woman who is the reason I came here, I am very fond of. I dropped in on her last summer. It was pleasant. There was a stir. But our lives have gone in completely divergent ways. I didn't have a feeling of what if. I had a feeling of happy we crossed paths on our journey. Anyways, I'm rambling.

 

We had a bit of tension last night. CS has taught some dance classes and knows how to lead. She has a bad habit of just out of the blue 'trying' something while we are dancing. It's not too bad when we are at her place practising. But out in public it drives me nuts. Last night I was terse with her. I reacted, didn't have time to think. I told her 'now now'. It throws me completely off and we stumble. I asked her to let me know if she wanted to try something so I could prepare. Or better yet, wait to the song stops and try in between songs. We both seemed O.K. with that. I'm only trying to be a good lead/dancer, and she's only trying to increase or repertoire of dance moves. If that's our biggest problem, I think we are doing well. We resolved it immediately and moved on. The irony is we are both trying to be better at dancing, we just have to agree no a formula.

 

No dancing tonight. I think it's the first time we will spend an evening/day together where we didn't dance. We may have a problem

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes we get short with one another. It happens. It is useful to break that barrier and see how it is with one another. It is a sort of intimacy.

[soookie]

I wish i could say 'I' but i can't, i am far away here in Nigeria and i know how much people don't trust Nigerians. I wanna say your writeup is everything i have always dreamed of and i know one day, they will be done! I wish we could be friends though.. Take care of yourself.

[Sportster2005]

Big test this weekend. My boys are away so I have the entire weekend free. We will be spending a lot of time together. The most we've spend so far. I'm not accustomed to it. I usually enjoy my few hours of being alone Saturday mornings. I usually drop the boys off then go have coffee by myself at my favourite cafe. I'm not complaining. I don't mind making some adjustments. And I imagine at one point we will evolve into that couple that can be together but do our own thing. You know the couple at the cafe who both have their laptops open. Every now and then they acknowledge each other.

 

The end of the month we are going away together for the long weekend.

[IAmFCA]

I find it interesting how kids regulate dating for us, sometimes in ways we don't welcome, other times in ways we find helpful. Sometimes those are the same thing.

[reinventmyself]

I can so relate to that!

It's all new and you'll no doubt find your sweet spot.

Enjoy!

[Batya33]

Big test this weekend. My boys are away so I have the entire weekend free. We will be spending a lot of time together. The most we've spend so far. I'm not accustomed to it. I usually enjoy my few hours of being alone Saturday mornings. I usually drop the boys off then go have coffee by myself at my favourite cafe. I'm not complaining. I don't mind making some adjustments. And I imagine at one point we will evolve into that couple that can be together but do our own thing. You know the couple at the cafe who both have their laptops open. Every now and then they acknowledge each other.

 

The end of the month we are going away together for the long weekend.

 

I know those couples and used to see them a lot when I did my few hours at a cafe most Sundays while my child was at a local activity. And I thought it was nice - it looked comfortable. My husband I have been teleworking together and we sit about two feet away from each other, TV on in between and chat occasionally but also respect that we each need to get work done.