My Odyssey

[Sportster2005]

Hope is Alive

 

Your life didn’t end.

Even though I watched my carefully crafted barge burn and sink.

I stood by and watched as you slipped below the surface.

You left nothing but a whisper of smoke.

 

I was so sure you were not longer breathing,

I was so sure I couldn’t feel your heartbeat.

I wouldn’t have sent you away if I thought you were alive.

 

After you sank I stayed at my sentry while it rained.

 

I looked up at the dark clouds as they took turns transforming,

Into the faces of those I had tried so hard to love.

 

The last face spoke a lie, but it was muffled by the wind.

Then the sky went black.

 

I woke up on a sailboat made of my imagination.

I was drifting out to the ocean.

The horizon became less clear with each passing hour.

Then it was gone.

 

The days turned to weeks, the weeks turned to months.

 

The silence became peace.

 

My spirit was never hungry.

 

My soul was always nourished.

 

The days were blue skies and turquoise waters.

The nights were starry, and the moon was always full,

But every journey, even a peaceful one, has to end,

 

It was time to go home.

 

With nothing more than desire as a navigator I headed toward shore.

 

The familiar places had lost their nostalgic appeal. Everywhere I went was easy. Every thought free of anxiety. I felt at home.

 

Everything I attempted was with calmness. Every challenge slayed with ease.

 

I decided to look you up. Not only were you alive, you had matured and grown. You didn’t want to just simply exist, you wanted to thrive. I hear your plea, and I comply. I make no promises, but I make effort. My actions take precedent over my word.

 

But first I had to release someone of their roll of unrequited lover.

 

It was difficult at first, she haunted me in places I never expected. She was uninvited, but showed up just the same. Then I watched her lose her mind. She went crazy in a most spectacular fashion. Then I realized she was always mad. Then I realized it didn’t matter anymore. She was the answer to the question that was never asked. But it was an important answer.

 

I sifted through the pool of memories. There were answers everywhere for questions unasked. I can’t see air, but I breath it. I don’t know why answers were given, but I’ll take them.

 

I’m not the man I was. I’m the man I am.

 

One journey has ended. Hope can’t die. It’s too strong, it’s too persistent. It’s my companion without my choice. Another journey begins.

[IAmFCA]

Beautiful.

 

"Role" v roll

 

Ive much to inquire of you but tire of writing lately. How has been your bday weekend? Id say you have arrived at this year more as a tiger than a zebra.

[Sportster2005]

Thanks for catching that typo.

 

It was pretty good. Had a few close friends over. We drank some wine, then LD and I gave a little concert. I was up to about 3:00 AM. Woke up at 7:30 and ran 26k. {16 miles}, then an hour of Salsa. Kind of crashed right now While I was doing Salsa I noticed P talking to someone in the smaller studio. I thought he might be practising with LO, even though I'm sure she's in TO. I got all anxietyified. It wasn't her. I laugh at myself HA HA. I hope she stays in TO.

 

This lion is getting hungry, but is too lazy to hunt right now Maybe something will wander into my den and make it easy for me. The only person I chat with on Match is the gal I dated this time last year. TL. It's just friendly blah blah talk. Even if I date again, I'm worried I forget how to boyfriend. Or even if I want to make the effort.

 

CC is weird. Replied in a thread with an xo, said "Happy Birthday to a wonderful man". She never pays attention to me on Facebook. But yet the guy in the photos with her is obviously a new bf. Whatever......I don't have time for it.

[Sportster2005]

I see gym girl almost every time at the gym. She seems to be around me quite a bit. We check each other out a lot. When ever I get close and try and say hi or sumthin, she goes cold. Interesting behavior. I suspect she has a bf and just enjoys the attention. That's O.K I like the attention too. I'll continue to oblige her game.

 

Emailed a runner this morning. She contacted me earlier, I said 'no thanks'. She was looking at my profile again yesterday. She has some new pics. Perhaps I was too hasty. Figured I'd give her a shout. She's very thin. Maybe too thin. I kind of like muscular. But getting wayyyyy ahead of myself. And it's not a deal breaker. She doesn't look unhealthy thin. She almost has an elite marathon runner look. Not quite that thin though.

[Sportster2005]

Things are progressing with running girl(EW). I learned we are pretty close in running ability. I've always questioned the wisdom of dating a runner unless your pace is similar. She claims to be creative and outside the box. She seems to have the traits I'm drawn to. But that is causing some anxiety. We all know what kind of women I pick. Maybe she'll be different. I'm just trying to stay optimistic but cautious. I'm also concerned by the amount of attention. Kind of would like it, if it was a bit less.

 

We are having coffee on Saturday.

[faraday]

Is she smothering you?

[Sportster2005]

Is she smothering you?

 

Bordering on it. This morning at 6:00 AM she texted me telling me what she was doing today, and what time she usually goes to bed, and other details I found odd. I don't mind an hello throughout the day, but getting a long text from someone I haven't met yet was concerning. We are texting a bit throughout the day. I just find when they come on like that, it never ends well. But I don't want to prejudice meeting new people with old experiences. I'm taking a wait and see.

[reinventmyself]

Bordering on it. This morning at 6:00 AM she texted me telling me what she was doing today, and what time she usually goes to bed, and other details I found odd. I don't mind an hello throughout the day, but getting a long text from someone I haven't met yet was concerning. We are texting a bit throughout the day. I just find when they come on like that, it never ends well. But I don't want to prejudice meeting new people with old experiences. I'm taking a wait and see.

 

I agree. 6am is a boundary issue. My closest friends and family know better.

You haven't even met her.

[faraday]

I agree. 6am is a boundary issue. My closest friends and family know better.

You haven't even met her.

 

Really? I don't care about the timing of texts....but my phone goes into nighttime mode so I don't hear it.

 

I mean, everyone keeps different hours. I go to bed at 8pm, so most people text too late for me...but I'm up around 4am so a 6 am text would be more than fine. (Do you like how I added in details like my bedtime, Sportster? Lol. I can also tell you what I had for lunch. J/k)

 

I think the biggest issue is that she's oversharing. I mean, did you ask about what time she goes to bed Sportster? Or anything that would warrant all of the sharing?

 

Hopefully you guys can meet up soon and find out if there's mutual interest.

[reinventmyself]

Unfortunately, between my elderly mother and work commitments, I have to keep my phone on.

Perfectly annoyed by random calls or texts during off hours. ESP-ecially by those I don't know.

[Batya33]

Unfortunately, between my elderly mother and work commitments, I have to keep my phone on.

Perfectly annoyed by random calls or texts during off hours. ESP-ecially by those I don't know.

 

Same here - and when I call/text people I either keep it to very normal hours if I do not know them or if I do, according to his/her routine or I email (because I assume that that won't ding their phone? not sure if that's right). I would find it creepy if a new friend/acquaintance texted me at off hours.

[faraday]

Interesting. I have about 20 numbers programmed to ring through on night mode- my parents, my daughters father (and his parents and gf), my brother, my husband, my daughters school, etc...but everyone else is silenced in between 8pm- 4am. It's also set up to go off silence for any random number that calls twice...that way if it's a neighbour or something it will work (and I say that in my voicemail too).

 

I get too many midnight wrong numbers to leave it off silence. My number must be similar to someone else that is much more fun than I am lol

[Sportster2005]

I didn't initially find her attractive. The more we talked, the more I warmed up to her. She is bordering on smothering. Its seems like she doesn't have much going on and is filling her time messaging me. I'm going to back off a bit. If she keeps bombarding me, I'm going to give her the "not a good match" line. The conversation was easy, I enjoyed her company. She has a sexy and intriguing dynamic to her. I don't normally care a lot about money, but she borders on poor. She can support herself, but not much else. No car. That's going to get tiring quick. She lives far enough away to be a nuisance.

 

Besides I met someone in the same afternoon. But I have to go get ready for Salsa class. The dance, not the dip.

[reinventmyself]

Maybe I'm being unkind, but poor, no car and overly eager paints the picture of a woman looking to be saved by a man.

I like you are giving her a chance. I may be all wrong.

If you enjoy her company and find her attractive then looking further seems like a good plan.

But I'm obviously not telling you anything you don't already know 😊

[Sportster2005]

Maybe I'm being unkind, but poor, no car and overly eager paints the picture of a woman looking to be saved by a man.

I like you are giving her a chance. I may be all wrong.

If you enjoy her company and find her attractive then looking further seems like a good plan.

But I'm obviously not telling you anything you don't already know 😊

 

I appreciate the candid feedback. I think deep down the negatives will outweigh the positives. I don't have a complete picture yet. My phone is quite today. It's kind of nice.

[Sportster2005]

CS. We chatted a bit on POF years ago. Probably as many as five years ago. I'm insecure about my financial situation. It's not dire, but it could be healthier. It's the last wall that I must get over. And I've made some moves and am attacking it. CS and I were in the chatting phase. She mentioned in her profile she's well off, and expected her partner to be. I'm paraphrasing, it may not have been that blunt. Regardless, on our last phone call I said "I don't think we would be a good match". I didn't offer an explanation. And she saved face by agreeing. But I've seen her online over the years. And I seem to bump into her a lot. We frequent a couple of the same places. I've always regretted not going further and wondered if I should have ignored the money thing and forged ahead.

 

When we bumped into each other we exchanged pleasantries, but she didn't strike me as being friendly toward me. A little aloof. Which made me wonder if there was some lingering disappointment.

 

She's a dancer. A good one. About this time last year I saw her online. I was interested in dancing and asked her about options. But she didn't know I would go off and get quite involved in dancing. Fast forward to yesterday. I had finished my date and wanted to drop into one of my hangouts before meeting some family for diner. CS was sitting at the bar. She had her purse on the stool next to her. Next to that was an empty spot. I sat down. In our characteristic way politely said hello. We then ignored each other.

 

Something was different. I've always found her kind of cute. But yesterday she really struck me differently. I decided I was going to try and strike up a conversation with her, see where it went. Get her talking about dancing. I was just going to wait before she finished eating. After she finished eating one the older regulars got her up dancing. When she got back I was just ready to ask her a question, when she started talking to me. She mentioned the gentleman she just danced with was 75. He's always there and a very active dancer. I started asking some dancing questions. I worked into the conversation had started taking some lessons. The conversation became even more interesting. She said we had to get up and dance. Which terrified me. I usually dance with my partner who knows my lead very well. That, and there can be so many variations in the same dance.

 

A song came on and she said it was a good cha cha. So away we went. It went very well. We seemed mostly on the same track. I kept it fairly simple. Sat back down. More and more conversation. I was really enjoying myself. Then we did a jive together that went even better. On the way back I lead her to her stool with my hand on her back. I didn't even realize I was doing it. It just kind of happened. Some more conversation. She encouraged me to go dances here and there. And said she would be at one particular one. We were also getting very physically close. And we danced closed position. Dancers know what I mean. I wanted to put on my big boy pants and get her number before I left for my diner with family. It was easy actually. I was very deliberate. I said "I had a great time, thanks for the dances, would you like to go out some time?", "yes", "Give me your number". I then left. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Everything clicked and there wasn't a moment of awkwardness. Maybe because it wasn't a date, and we both seem to really enjoy dancing and talking about dancing.

 

I'm going to text her tonight. Thanking her for getting me out of my comfort zone and wish her a good week. Wednesday I'll text her and see what she's doing Saturday. Or Tuesday for Thursday. Something like that. MAKE ME DO IT. I'm already falling into ambivalence.

[reinventmyself]

Love those moments, when you least expect it . . .

[Sportster2005]

Ugh, I'm going to have to send the 'not interested' email. Waaayyyyyyy too clingy.

 

Debating what to do with CS. She mentioned the Latin dance this coming Saturday. Maybe I'll see if she wants to go together. Stop first for a casual meal. There's a nice pub around the corner with a nice rooftop patio.

 

I'm actually a little nervous.

[reinventmyself]

Well? Did you text her?

[abitbroken]

Well? Did you text her?

 

Inquiring minds want to know...

[Sportster2005]

Well? Did you text her?

 

About five minutes ago, no answer yet.

[abitbroken]

I am still wondering how you can get out of the recycling realm. You are running in to the same women you communicated with online within the past 5 years whether its online or randomly in public. Sometimes you give eachother a second look, sometimes you don't. Is your town really that small, or do you need to extract yourself from the dance world one night a week and do something different? Meet a whole new group? Be the "new guy" for a change?

[Sportster2005]

I am still wondering how you can get out of the recycling realm. You are running in to the same women you communicated with online within the past 5 years whether its online or randomly in public. Sometimes you give eachother a second look, sometimes you don't. Is your town really that small, or do you need to extract yourself from the dance world one night a week and do something different? Meet a whole new group? Be the "new guy" for a change?

 

I'm in a metropolitan area of about 400,000.

 

The connection between us is we like the blues. There are only two venues who play blues regularly. One has a matinee on Saturday. The same band has been playing it for over twenty years. It's a very popular spot. And it attracts a loyal crowd. A crowd with many over 40 and right up to 70 and 80 year olds. We both go there often. So we bump into each other. The other venue is a blues bar. It's also a good place to dance. We've crossed paths here often also. And there is a local legend that plays all over the city that we both like, and tend to follow.

 

The association isn't dancing. Dancing is a bonus. And she is in a subset of the dance community that I'm not in. More swing/jive. I'm more ballroom/latin/jive. Her and LO are friends. But I don't care. Especially since she's over a thousand miles away.

 

I also run and am in the running community. I do meet women that way, and have dated some runners. I also go to the gym frequently. However I haven't met a lot of the regulars. And don't really intend to. I find that more of a solitary pursuit. Ironically I know a few people at the gym from dancing.

 

I like going forward, at the same time I like to be at least friendly and civil to the women I meet along the way. You simply never know. When I first talked to CS I was a completely different man. And I'm sure she's changed a lot also. I'm also a dancer now. It was fun to dance with her. It's simpler than that. I just saw her differently for some reason. I've always thought she was attractive. But Saturday something just clicked. Can't explain it. I think dancing together was a big part of it.

 

I have no time in my schedule for any new pursuits. I also have a singing partner, we try to practice so we can perform at open mics. And hanging around with my sons........

[Sportster2005]

LOL I was actually fist pumping the air. She said yes very enthusiastically. I haven't been this excited for a date in a long time.

 

We are going to a Latin Dance Party. They give some Salsa lessons, then have a live Latin band, and a way you go.

[reinventmyself]

Full report!