I don't understand... Does he love me?

[Atlantis]

Hi All,

I often find myself wondering if my boyfriend loves me. I never asked him this, but wanted to ask you all instead.

 

He is 33 and I am 25. We met online. First date was so nice that we decided to go on a second date, then a third, and forth..

 

A little bit of a background story. When I first met him, I was just out of my 3 year relationship. Though I didn't have any love feelings towards my ex, I did however had my ups and downs and tolerance issues with my new date. This scared him a little. I used to get mad at him, expecting he would already know what I was mad at, and leave without an explanation.

 

So at the end of our 4th month, we had fights and decided to be friends only. This didn't even last a few days. We came back together and started being together again. However, he did not want to make our relationship official. He said he was nervous and couldn't make 100 % commitment. This broke us up again. We didn't see each other for close to a week, then we asked me out. I said yes because at that point I was so into him and felt really strongly towards him, so seeing him again was the best thing I could think of.

 

At the end of our date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Asked for both of us to put our full potential in this relationship. I didn't say yes then. But a day later he asked again, and I said yes. So we were official starting the new year..

 

Now we have been dating for past 6 months going on our 7th month. However he never told me that he loves me or anything When I ask him if he is glad that we met or together he replies "you ask the silliest questions"

 

Should I be worried? Does he just care about me or does he really love me? Is he settling for me or does he also feel strongly about me? What have been your experiences in situations like this?

 

Thank you for reading!! And I am so looking for all of you all's replies!

[angrythoughts]

If he hasn't said I love you yet he's either not ready to, or doesn't feel that strong of a connection just yet. 7 months isn't that long. I wouldn't worry about something like that. Does he do other things to make you think he doesn't care about you or something? You seem unsure of your relationship with him.

[gebaird]

I used to get mad at him, expecting he would already know what I was mad at, and leave without an explanation.

 

Has this behavior stopped?

 

It sounds like the two of you had a bit of a rocky start -- ex issues, fights, breakups, commitment issues on both sides -- I'm not surprised he hasn't said those three little words yet. He needs be sure it's safe enough to trust you.

 

Don't ask if he's glad you met or got together. That's your insecurity talking. Focus on being a good partner, expressing your feelings through kind and loving actions. He'll say the words when he's ready, but for now you can reassure yourself that he IS glad you met and got together by the fact that he's still with you. Look at his actions, not his words, to determine if his feelings for you are real. By the time the words come, they'll hardly matter because you'll already know how he feels.

[JaggerJim]

Have you told him that you love him? Do you? You don't need to wait for him to say the words first.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately all the hot/cold and turbulence and on/off for 4 mos, would make anyone proceed with caution. You are not committed to him, why should be be committed to you? You don't love him otherwise you wouldn't be keeping him at arms length and playing games.

 

You've shown him over and over, month after month that you have one foot out the door and chronically stomp on his heart breaking up, etc. It's a miracle he even wants to continue this.

So at the end of our 4th month, we had fights and decided to be friends only. We came back together and started being together again. However, he did not want to make our relationship official. He said he was nervous and couldn't make 100 % commitment. This broke us up again.

[KantSleep]

I agree with JaggerJim. You stated: "I said yes because at that point I was so into him and felt really strongly towards him..." but you never say the love word in your post. Which is OK, but that is crux of your post - the fact this has not been said. If you love him, then say so.

[holistic17]

In my honest opinion, I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you're desperate to know how he feels about you so much. You sound like I was when I was a bit younger. You sound like you don't appreciate or love yourself enough and are feeling insecure based on someone else's feelings of worthiness towards you. He's right, you are asking silly questions. The questions are screaming "please tell me how important I am to you, please love me and accept me!" You do sound desperate for his attention, please don't take offence to this. You need to take back your own power and not look at him as though he is saving you or making you more lovable. You will push him away with the insecurities. Do some work on yourself first.

[Atlantis]

In my honest opinion, I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you're desperate to know how he feels about you so much. You sound like I was when I was a bit younger. You sound like you don't appreciate or love yourself enough and are feeling insecure based on someone else's feelings of worthiness towards you. He's right, you are asking silly questions. The questions are screaming "please tell me how important I am to you, please love me and accept me!" You do sound desperate for his attention, please don't take offence to this. You need to take back your own power and not look at him as though he is saving you or making you more lovable. You will push him away with the insecurities. Do some work on yourself first.

 

Once a bf broke up with me out of nowhere. And ever since that experience, I been insecure with relationships. It feels that anyone can take off anytime. I think I am trying to feel secure and not get hurt and therefore acting the way I do.

 

I agree with JaggerJim. You stated: "I said yes because at that point I was so into him and felt really strongly towards him..." but you never say the love word in your post. Which is OK, but that is crux of your post - the fact this has not been said. If you love him, then say so.

 

I heard girls should never say the love word first lol

I do love him though..

 

Unfortunately all the hot/cold and turbulence and on/off for 4 mos, would make anyone proceed with caution. You are not committed to him, why should be be committed to you? You don't love him otherwise you wouldn't be keeping him at arms length and playing games.

 

You've shown him over and over, month after month that you have one foot out the door and chronically stomp on his heart breaking up, etc. It's a miracle he even wants to continue this.

 

This post made me think "maybe he really likes me to continue seeing me even after all i done to him" lol. Thank you

 

Have you told him that you love him? Do you? You don't need to wait for him to say the words first.

I heard girls should never say love you first lol. I do love him

 

Has this behavior stopped?

 

It sounds like the two of you had a bit of a rocky start -- ex issues, fights, breakups, commitment issues on both sides -- I'm not surprised he hasn't said those three little words yet. He needs be sure it's safe enough to trust you.

 

Don't ask if he's glad you met or got together. That's your insecurity talking. Focus on being a good partner, expressing your feelings through kind and loving actions. He'll say the words when he's ready, but for now you can reassure yourself that he IS glad you met and got together by the fact that he's still with you. Look at his actions, not his words, to determine if his feelings for you are real. By the time the words come, they'll hardly matter because you'll already know how he feels.

 

Yes i stopped that behavior. I am much calmer now. And okay. I will focus on being a good girl friend for him. Thank you

 

If he hasn't said I love you yet he's either not ready to, or doesn't feel that strong of a connection just yet. 7 months isn't that long. I wouldn't worry about something like that. Does he do other things to make you think he doesn't care about you or something? You seem unsure of your relationship with him.

 

No. I think the problem is that my previous ex was a lot more vocal and a lot faster with his feelings. He fell in love with me very quickly and was already saying that he loved me starting in month 2 of dating. He told me he loved me several times a day and said all the cute stuff all the time. So after that experience, my new boyfriend is not even half way where my ex was. and i didnt have very many relationships to know what is normal and what isnt