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Is she 'only' a friend to him?


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When i met my boyfriend over a year ago, he had a best(female)friend. They shared an appartment together (seperate bedrooms) and have been knowing each other since high school. My boyfriend told me that she (lets call her Lara) used to have a crush on him in high school when they were way younger. He never had a crush on her tho. Also he told me that they kissed for a second once when they both were super drunk in a club. But they immediately stopped because they realized that was super weird and they didnt mean to kiss each other it was just a second long quick drunk kiss. I beleive that my boyfriend was being very honest about his relationship to Lara. They both confirmed to me that they are like brother and sister to each other. They would say like ' love you buddy' and your my bestfriend and they would always hug a lot (sometimes very long IN FRONT of me) and he even used to kiss her on her forehead all the time.


BUT as soon as i got into a serious relationship with him they stopped doing things together. I really tried hard to be friends with her cause i know it was important to my boyfriend. I always invited her to do things with us (movies,lunch...hanging out together). She never once joined us all those months. Then I invited her to hang out with me one on one alone because i thought she was a chill cool girl. She finally agreed and we met and we had a great time (laughed a lot) having dinner at the restaurant. I only asked her one question the whole evening about my boyfriend (my bf even told me to ask her that). But that was the only time we ever did anything together. And she even lied to my bf about it and said the meet up with me was 'okay' but i talked all the time about my bf and she thinks i only met her to get details of my bf. WHAT!!!??? That's complete BS! Thats not at all true. Why would she tell that my boyfriend? Talking basically bad about me when we actually did have a great eveninf and i did NOT talk about my bf at all. So a few months later my bf and i moved in together because they could no longer stay at their old appartment for rent reasons. We even offered her that she can also move in with me. Ofcourse she declined. Ever since then, my boyfriend barely saw her anymore. He tried to hang out with her several times and she never has time. Then why would they be so close before he met me? Why would they call each other brother and sister...but then Lara shows NO interest in getting to know me and basically drops my boyfriend as a friend. She hasn't visited our new appartment even once and always ignored my boyfriend. Tonight his friends are supposed to come here to watch the superbowl with us and guess who drops out? Lara. Is it because of me? I have always been nice to her. Always trying. I think she is very disrespectful towards my boyfriend and also me. Does she have feelings for him? She always is very fake and says a lot of things she doesnt mean so i bet IF my boyfriend would ask her about it she for sure would act like she doesnt have feelings for him.

I really think she puts a lot of unnecessary drama between all of us. Because my boyfriend got mad at me because he thought i am the reason she doesnt wanna hang out with him anymore. But everytime he asks her if she has a problem with me she always says no and acts like she is happy for us. And i truly have only been nice to her. I really wanted it to work out.



If you follow up on my last stories, you know that by now he is my EX-bf. The problem i am having is that i know as soon as we are officially broken up (to family and friends), that he will call her and reunite with her. I know my ex-bf is very mad at how she dropped him for apparently 'no reason' but i also know that he will forgive her in a second. I am so unsure what to think. It would really damage me to see my ex moving back with her and being bestfriends again and acting like nothing happened. I feel so disrespected by Lara. I cant stand fake people and i wish she wouldnt have treated us like this. She is african-american and my boyfriend said he is not that attracted to darker skin girls (he is not racist but thats just what he is not into). And my ex also keeps saying ''like now that we are broken up i can honestly tell you i never had feelings for Lara and i did not lie about anyting but i do think it could be true that she still has a crush on me because everytime i used to tell her how happy i am with you, she never showed any reaction. She always tried to change the conversation to somethinf else quickly.'' I asked him if he would still want to reuinte with her even knowing she could be having feelings for him and he said yes. He wants to be friends with her and he doesnt care what she feels for him. He doesnt want her sexually and thats the truth (according to him). But why couldnt he be friends with her all along. Why do they stop the contact and as soon as we are broken up they call each other first thing??????? Am i missing something???

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I believe the lesson you should have learned is to not date a guy with a female best friend. Even if there is no chemistry, the dynamic of opposite sex best friends, in my opinion, is not something I'd ever accept. I know it's common when one is young and unattached to have best friends of the opposite sex, but when a person gets into a serious relationship, those friendships usually gets put on the back burner, or fades away, or the extreme closeness becomes more casual. If I had a first date with a guy and found out his bf was a female, it'd be over for me at that point. Since he's now your ex, it's really none of your business what he does, and is self sabotaging for you to stay involved in what he's doing and with whom. Time to move on and go no contact.

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One, she obviously had feelings for him and she rightly distanced herself when you two were together to protect her heart. Your now ex-boyfriend is a total tool who enjoyed the extra attention from her so much that even though he claims no sexual interest in her, and doesn't want her as a girlfriend, he was still too selfish to see what was in front of his nose all along. Or was willfully blind, because he'd rather have blind adulation than to either have honestly made her his girlfriend OR let distance and time come between them, so she could move on.


I'm sorry, I see these types of relationships on this forum over and over and I've come to decide that the one who claims no sexual interest in a "friend" who everyone else can see is definitely wants more is either incredibly selfish or really enjoys having a hanger on that they know is into them and will just hang in there boosting their ego all the time.


I think your ex enjoyed the drama of two women wanting him, I think he got mad at you not for any rational reason, but because he no longer had his groupie chasing him and it spoiled his fantasy of two women vying for his attention. Also, I think he used her as an excuse to break up with you. I suspect you weren't clinging to him quite as tightly as she did, which again says something not so good about your ex's character, not about yours.


Personally, I think this is a lesson to be learned that if it feels off like that with someone you're dating and a "best friend" in the future it's time to excuse yourself, tell them you don't do Betty/Veronica drama and you bail.


There are a ton of people out there who have no issue with boundaries, none. I have opposite sex friends, so does my husband, no way are we that invested in them, no way do we let things ever get physical. And when we got together and a few opposite sex friends of both of us got upset, they got dropped. We are each others priority and no one is allowed to come between us, no not even friends. And they don't. Our friends and we share and share alike. There is no "you took her/him from me/chased them off" and there never was. It was more like, "Cool, I get an extra set of friends now." But that's because we both know how to maintain boundaries with people and we want to, your ex did not.


Your ex and his bestie enjoy the drama, I say let them have it. Block and delete and move on. Maybe he'll figure it out, but I'm banking more on the idea that he'll try and keep that dynamic going with whoever he ropes into a relationship in the future, because he enjoys it. And he's the one, at the end of the day, that did not have boundaries and that perpetuated that drama instead of realizing he needed to let this girl move on to find someone else. Not blame you who didn't do anything, but think you had a sane guy who wanted a relationship.


My two cents on this.

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Why are you putting so much thought and emotional effort into your ex's friend? He is your ex. What he does doesn't involve you any more. His best friend didn't like you. It might be because she wouldn't like anyone he dated. It might be because she lost her comfy roommate situation. It might be that YOU are just not her type of person. It doesn't really matter why. She didn't like you and she didn't want to hang out with or around you so she didn't. You didn't like her either... so it seems like you both made the right choices and stayed away from each other.


If it's going to hurt to watch you ex become closer friends with her again? Stop watching your ex. Stop talking to him about her. Just stop talking to him. Why are you putting yourself through extra pain? It seems like you are focused on his friend because it's easier to be angry and hurt about her than it is to be angry and hurt about him.

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My brother had a female "best friend" who he often did things with and who he occasionally traveled with. I guess it was kind of a "romantic friendship" because he did tell me that he would like to date her but SHE put the brakes on because she felt their friendship was more important than a potential dating relationship.


But then he reconciled with a woman from his very distant past (they dated as teens, they're in their late 40s-early 50s now) and is in an exclusive relationship with her. And his female "best friend" decided ON HER OWN to pull back on the friendship. She said she felt it would be disrespectful to their (my brother and his current lady) relationship for her to continue communicating and spending time with him. So, he really doesn't have any more contact with the "best friend".


She backed off to show respect for their relationship, not because she was jealous.

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  • 3 weeks later...

She wants to have sex with him and is completely jealous that you are the girlfriend and not her. Make him delete her from your lives, you will be happier, believe me. Your boyfriend needs to step up when she is saying bad things about you to put her in her place, period. Your boyfriend most likely only views her as a good friend (hence the brother/sister thing) but she clearly cant stand you as the girlfriend. Some women will do anything for attention and she sounds like she is conniving and jealous. Just keep being happy with your boyfriend and stop trying to be cool with her-it will never work.

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