Travelling Separately. Is it okay?

[Lindy3]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. We're both under 30 and don't have any kids.

 

To start with, we have a tendency to be poor communicators. We were talking about travelling together this year for a few months, but never made any concrete plans. The few times it came up we spoke about it in vague terms, we hadn't settled on a country or rough date.

 

Then we got obsessed with the idea of kayaking around the island we live on. We did our research and bought a pair of boats. The money came mainly from an academic scholarship he was awarded with the idea that I'd pay him back at a later date. So travelling internationally was off the cards. Anyway, shortly after this I enrolled in a 7 week intensive mathematics course at uni and we haven't been able to take the kayaks out more than once this summer.

 

Then I caught up with my best friend of 11 years and she told me about an invitation she'd received to perform in Berlin (she's an opera singer) and she invited me to go with her. The opportunity to travel with my closest friend and see her perform on an international stage was to good to pass up, so I immediately said yes. When I got home and told my boyfriend he was pretty upset. He was upset to be missing out on the trip and upset because we'd (sort of) agreed that we weren't travelling this year and he'd put all this money into buying kayaks (which we hadn't used). I felt pretty bad about it but went ahead with my travel plans, it was just too good an opportunity to miss.

 

Then two days ago he mentioned there was a deal on tickets to Japan and he was thinking of going. I didn't really know what to say to it. I didn't understand why he wanted to go alone or why he wanted to go at all other than maybe feeling jealous about my trip. Although I felt weird about it I said he could book if he wanted. He said he wouldn't. Then I got home from work last night and he'd booked. He didn't give me a date or tell me where specifically he was thinking of going. I feel bad about it, even though I'm going on my own holiday. I feel jealous, I guess the same as he did, and worried about anything happening while he's alone. I'm going for a purpose, why is he going?

 

How should I handle this situation? What should I say or do? Generally our relationship is pretty good, but we've got these big separate plans now. How do we keep from breaking apart? How have other couples coped with travelling without each other and with being the person who's left behind? Thanks

[mustlovedogs]

Don't mistake why you're going as a better reason.

 

In my opinion, you did a sort of betrayal of him. You betrayed two theoretical plans you had together. Why couldn't he go to Berlin with you?

 

He has every right to go to Japan that you have to go to Berlin. His reason can be any reason, including he just wants to.

 

You hurt him and you need to address this because resentment will likely start building.

 

Also, I hope you have money to pay him back for the kayaks - otherwise you broke emotional trust as well as financial.

[RainyCoast]

You weren't enthusiastic about travelling with him, you weren't enthusiastic about the boats (is kayaking strictly limited to summer?), instead of paying for the boat, you're now going to berlin.

 

He is done postponing every fun thing he plans because it's not important to you to cooperate. He was quiet when it seemed it wasn't personal and you just weren't good with plan execution but now it turns out it is just not important to make an effort with him, while your friend in the opera is too good a chance to miss.

 

Either apologize, cancel berlin, pay for the boat and make plans with him, or accept you will do fun things and travelling apart.

 

I would expect some emotional distance to follow if you leve him in the conviction it's just plans with him you don't care for.

[journeynow]

I don't blame him for going. He's no longer part of your plans. He was until you put him on the back burner for things you find more important.

I'm going for a purpose, why is he going?

Your purpose is? To do something you enjoy? His purpose would be the same, to do something he enjoys.

[Lindy3]

Yes, he is going for fun the same as I am. That's fine. I'm happy for him to go, I just want to know how to cope with the situation in a way that will improve it and strengthen our relationship.

[Lindy3]

Also, the plans I made were sort of incidental and I wondered if his weren't a bit reactionary?

[Lindy3]

Should i cancel my trip and put the funds I had aside towards his? Would that be the fairest thing to do?

[Lindy3]

You don't know that I wasn't enthusiastic. I was. It was just a case of miss communication and things coming up for both of us. Also, some context on my friendship: we've been extremely close since primary school and I've gone to every bad school performance she gave through university recitals, through professional performances. Being asked was an honour. Our friendship is an extremely important part off my life. As is my relationship with my boyfriend, which is why I sought advice in how to best approach the situation.

[jujusamples]

Should i cancel my trip and put the funds I had aside towards his? Would that be the fairest thing to do?

 

I'm just going to remind you, communications is key! It's not wrong of you to want to go with your best on a trip. It's wrong at the fact that you didn't talk to your boyfriend about it first before agreeing to go with your friend.

 

I don't blame him for feeling upset and betrayed because you kind of just told him after the fact. Especially if you and your boyfriend already made plans on vacations and etc. Again, communication!

 

He's already booked his trip, so there is not point in you cancelling yours at this point. He's just pretty much doing to you what you did to him. Why are you questioning on why he's going? It doesn't matter because he didn't matter to you when you made plans with your friend without him. He didn't matter to you enough for you to talk it through with him.

 

Point is it's okay to travel without your significant other, I do it all the time. I love it, it gives me a chance to miss my husband and have some fun with my best friend as well. What I would never do is go ahead and make vacation plans without talking it through with my husband first. He would always be happy for me to go and egg me on to go.

 

However, he did make small trips plans with his friend without letting me know first. I could tell you, I was livid. Not at the fact that he is going without me, at the fact that he never told me.

 

How I dealt with is is tell him exactly that. He learned and now would tell me about it his plans before confirming with his friends.

 

Point is, you need to sit down and talk this whole thing through with your boyfriend. Let him know you realized you got excited and kind of made plans without letting him know and that you understand he could be upset. Then you two continue the conversation as it goes. Good luck!

[Snny]

Lesson learned: don't make highly committed plans without talking to your SO/spouse first. You are not asking permission, but it is common courtesy of letting him know and giving him a say/suggestion with the decision before setting it because you both are a social unit. This is what it means to be in a relationship.

[RainyCoast]

it is one thing to show excitement, take no steps towards realization of the plan, let him make arrangements, let him reserve the time and invest finances, then bail on him

 

and another to hit the road the moment you hear about berlin.

 

the first is a reaction, and misleading him to invest, in vain. the other is actually materializing the plan.

 

a show of excitement for plans that not only do you not bother materializing, but also throw away someone else's effort is useless, self-centered, disrespectful and unappreciative.

 

he isn't being vindictive. after his plans with you going down the drain twice, with proof that plans don't need to go down the drain with you if you want them badly enough, he has simply accepted that waiting for you so he can have a good time is pointless and he is taking initiative in having a good time on his own.

 

look, you can justify yourself all you want-- but you don't need to. you can simply tell him you're not so keen on traveling together and suggest you do so separately. he has figured it out himself already, but if you are at least upfront rather than effing him up like that repeatedly, he might not stew for long.

 

honestly, you could've had some respect for him in the summer when you let him set aside the time and money toward the kayaking plans and just suggest you don't make any big plans that can't be cancelled because you might want to take a course. there's still plenty of stuff to do together, even if it's not traveling and kayaking. you also could have had the respect to either tell him you prefer someone else makes arrangements to travel when you were discussing it, or actually look up something, book it, and pay your share and go through with it. instead, you messed up his vaca time twice.

 

so, to now give him the side-eye and call his trip having no legitimate purpose but instead being reactionary takes quite the nerve. the purpose of his trip is to finally get to go somewhere seeing as he won't be going anywhere with you, and it is the move of a person who has stopped counting on an unreliable partner.

 

yes, it would be fair to recompensate him for investments for things you bailed on.

[Lindy3]

it is one thing to show excitement, take no steps towards realization of the plan, let him make arrangements, let him reserve the time and invest finances, then bail on him

 

and another to hit the road the moment you hear about berlin.

 

the first is a reaction, and misleading him to invest, in vain. the other is actually materializing the plan.

 

a show of excitement for plans that not only do you not bother materializing, but also throw away someone else's effort is useless, self-centered, disrespectful and unappreciative.

 

he isn't being vindictive. after his plans with you going down the drain twice, with proof that plans don't need to go down the drain with you if you want them badly enough, he has simply accepted that waiting for you so he can have a good time is pointless and he is taking initiative in having a good time on his own.

 

look, you can justify yourself all you want-- but you don't need to. you can simply tell him you're not so keen on traveling together and suggest you do so separately. he has figured it out himself already, but if you are at least upfront rather than effing him up like that repeatedly, he might not stew for long.

 

honestly, you could've had some respect for him in the summer when you let him set aside the time and money toward the kayaking plans and just suggest you don't make any big plans that can't be cancelled because you might want to take a course. there's still plenty of stuff to do together, even if it's not traveling and kayaking. you also could have had the respect to either tell him you prefer someone else makes arrangements to travel when you were discussing it, or actually look up something, book it, and pay your share and go through with it. instead, you messed up his vaca time twice.

 

so, to now give him the side-eye and call his trip having no legitimate purpose but instead being reactionary takes quite the nerve. the purpose of his trip is to finally get to go somewhere seeing as he won't be going anywhere with you, and it is the move of a person who has stopped counting on an unreliable partner.

 

yes, it would be fair to recompensate him for investments for things you bailed on.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions based on nothing. The money isn't a big deal at all between us. I pay for lots of things, he studies full time and doesn't work. We largely share our finances. He has said to me that I can pay him back whenever I can, absolutely no rush. Also, I haven't at any point "bailed on him". The fact that I had to take this uni course to meet my graduation goals couldn't be helped and he is totally supportive of that. He also studies and neither of us would stand in the others way. I was just using it as an example of our plans together being poorly thought through in regards to other commitments. We haven't thrown in the towell with the kayaks either. When we can go, we will. My point is there's no perception of me having bailed. I don't believe he perceives me as unreliable either. I agree I've disrespected him by making plans without discussing it with him. I've communicated very poorly just as we both communicated poorly when we initially made plans. Also it was never the case that I would rather go with someone else. It just worked out that way. I hope to travel with him again in future (we did Vietnam together two years ago). I have offered to cancel and pay and his response was that he wants me to go and have fun, that it was the lack of consultation that sucked not the fact that I was going at all, and he repeated that the money isn't important.

[Lindy3]

I'm just going to remind you, communications is key! It's not wrong of you to want to go with your best on a trip. It's wrong at the fact that you didn't talk to your boyfriend about it first before agreeing to go with your friend.

 

I don't blame him for feeling upset and betrayed because you kind of just told him after the fact. Especially if you and your boyfriend already made plans on vacations and etc. Again, communication!

 

He's already booked his trip, so there is not point in you cancelling yours at this point. He's just pretty much doing to you what you did to him. Why are you questioning on why he's going? It doesn't matter because he didn't matter to you when you made plans with your friend without him. He didn't matter to you enough for you to talk it through with him.

 

Point is it's okay to travel without your significant other, I do it all the time. I love it, it gives me a chance to miss my husband and have some fun with my best friend as well. What I would never do is go ahead and make vacation plans without talking it through with my husband first. He would always be happy for me to go and egg me on to go.

 

However, he did make small trips plans with his friend without letting me know first. I could tell you, I was livid. Not at the fact that he is going without me, at the fact that he never told me.

 

How I dealt with is is tell him exactly that. He learned and now would tell me about it his plans before confirming with his friends.

 

Point is, you need to sit down and talk this whole thing through with your boyfriend. Let him know you realized you got excited and kind of made plans without letting him know and that you understand he could be upset. Then you two continue the conversation as it goes. Good luck!

 

This is excellent advice. You're very right. I'm glad your post hasn't focused on the money, as I'm sure you realise both partners put a lot into a relationship and it's secondary to the experiences you have together. I do love him and want to include him in my decisions. Thanks.

[RainyCoast]

....*deleted. it's a lost cause.*

[Lindy3]

Lesson learned: don't make highly committed plans without talking to your SO/spouse first. You are not asking permission, but it is common courtesy of letting him know and giving him a say/suggestion with the decision before setting it because you both are a social unit. This is what it means to be in a relationship.

 

Thank you. I agree. I will endeavour to be more communicative.

[Lindy3]

....*deleted. it's a lost cause.*

You're not basing your opinion on the information I've given you. You're not basing it on anything except a propensity to villanise. You did have some good points though. Thanks.

[RainyCoast]

You're not basing your opinion on the information I've given you. You're not basing it on anything except a propensity to villanise. You did have some good points though. Thanks.

 

lmao.

 

actually, i based exactly on the info you provided: that you said you wanted to travel together, then didn't go through with it. that you said you wanted to go kayaking, then didn't go through with it. that he payed for the kayaks alone, which isn't financial equity- in the situation that i was commenting on. i wasn't commenting on your overall way of sharing financial burdens, i don't know where you got that.

 

and you're not basing your disengagement on anything but your unwillingness to take responsibility. your choice-- and then the likely consequence of doing more than just traveling separately will be your choice too.

 

it also doesn't improve your efforts to communicate with him if you insist being defensive with people who leave you to your opinion, your choices, and your subjective perception, despite the fact you came to ask for outside perspective.

 

maybe you will be more realistic with him.

[journeynow]

Just curious, if you have the money for the Berlin trip and the class, why didn't you pay him for the kayak? No matter what he said about paying you "whenever", "no rush", your actions show that making plans with him is not a priority. You had said " we got obsessed with the idea of kayaking around the island we live on. We did our research and bought a pair of boats. The money came mainly from an academic scholarship he was awarded with the idea that I'd pay him back at a later date." That obsession has died out, it sounds. If that is the case, so be it, and don't make a big deal about him going to Japan and you going to Berlin.

 

What I would do is apologize, pay him BEFORE going to Berlin (it's the right thing to do), and make plans (definite plans) now for kayaking together around the island ASAP after you both return from your trips. You put some planning into the kayaking, and a rain date. Don't just leave it hanging or take it for granted that it will happen at some point. Don't judge him for going to Japan or make him defend his choice (and make your choice positive and his negative).

 

And work on communication/listening skills, since you said " we have a tendency to be poor communicators". Work on you to help change that, since communication is relationships of all kinds, period.

[j.man]

[double post]

[j.man]

How do you cope with "being the person who's left behind?" Thanks for that. I do like a good joke in the morning.

 

You bought a kayak with his money to act on a mutual obsession, then by and large reneged on that whole idea, only to leave him with a hole in his pocket while you put the money you owe him to travel internationally yourself (after he'd bought the kayaks under the pretense neither of you would be able to travel). Now, despite it all, he managed to score a deal to travel as well. The fact you feel anything other than happy for him is simply amazing.

 

What's done is done. I don't think there's much saving face here. Go on the trip or make him feel bad because you canceled your plans. There's no real winning for him. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't come back from Japan with some hard realizations.

[jujusamples]

This is excellent advice. You're very right. I'm glad your post hasn't focused on the money, as I'm sure you realise both partners put a lot into a relationship and it's secondary to the experiences you have together. I do love him and want to include him in my decisions. Thanks.

 

 

I understand from both ends. I've been excited about certain things and forget about my significant other and it's also been done to me. We all make mistakes and do weird things without realizing it. As long as you realize you made a mistake and communicate that with him. See what you both could compromise on. Since you both have plans to go on separate trips already, you don't want to both have a bad time stewing over this. So work it out before any of you go on your trip.

[JaggerJim]

I think if you had of just done the kayak trip and not the Berlin trip, then he wouldn't be going to Japan.

 

But I think you just do as you like.