Am I doing the right thing?

[lostandlonely1]

Long story short, just over a month and a half ago I initiated a break up with my long term boyfriend. I had caught him talking to another girl and he admitted he had feelings for her. I flipped, kicked him out, etc. After all of that, I decided I would be willing to work on things and started to forgive him only for him to turn around and say he wanted our relationship to be over (not for the other girl, they never spoke again after everything went down). Obviously I was heartbroken but went into NC mode as best I could (he still had things at my place, etc.).

 

About two weeks ago we bumped into each other and since then have been hanging out "as friends (with benefits)" but I'm still not even close to over him. I told him how I felt, he admitted he still had feelings for me but that he didn't feel right about us getting back together at this time. We had a lot of issues, on both sides, that even those few weeks of solitude helped me recognize. I told him I feel like because we're cognizant of our issues we could start something new and great but he's too scared and wants to focus on himself. Meanwhile, he's still contacting me and wanting to hang out so it's very confusing. I know space is what's best for us right now if we're ever going to work as friends or more in the future but I'm having a hard time cutting myself off from him.

 

Anyway, I'm seeing him tomorrow for an event I can't back out of and I wrote him a letter eloquently explaining everything about how I'm feeling and basically letting him know either he's in or he needs to be out and let me move on. I'm thinking of giving it to him as I'm leaving and asking him to read it when he gets home.

 

I really, truly feel this is for the best but the idea of cutting ties with him again is killing me.

 

Any advice?

[evad1]

Long story short, just over a month and a half ago I initiated a break up with my long term boyfriend. I had caught him talking to another girl and he admitted he had feelings for her. I flipped, kicked him out, etc. After all of that, I decided I would be willing to work on things and started to forgive him only for him to turn around and say he wanted our relationship to be over (not for the other girl, they never spoke again after everything went down). Obviously I was heartbroken but went into NC mode as best I could (he still had things at my place, etc.).

 

About two weeks ago we bumped into each other and since then have been hanging out "as friends (with benefits)" but I'm still not even close to over him. I told him how I felt, he admitted he still had feelings for me but that he didn't feel right about us getting back together at this time. We had a lot of issues, on both sides, that even those few weeks of solitude helped me recognize. I told him I feel like because we're cognizant of our issues we could start something new and great but he's too scared and wants to focus on himself. Meanwhile, he's still contacting me and wanting to hang out so it's very confusing. I know space is what's best for us right now if we're ever going to work as friends or more in the future but I'm having a hard time cutting myself off from him.

 

Anyway, I'm seeing him tomorrow for an event I can't back out of and I wrote him a letter eloquently explaining everything about how I'm feeling and basically letting him know either he's in or he needs to be out and let me move on. I'm thinking of giving it to him as I'm leaving and asking him to read it when he gets home.

 

I really, truly feel this is for the best but the idea of cutting ties with him again is killing me.

 

Any advice?

 

DONT DO FWB! You have the right mindset. Honestly I'd do it in person. So much more personal. At least I've never felt closure writing a letter or text. It sounds like it may be too late unfortunately. I wish I could tell you otherwise but if he didn't want to get back together that's not a good sign. You should just end things right though.

[MissCanuck]

This whole scenario is a bad idea.

 

The fact that he was talking to another girl while still in a relationship with you indicates he was already gone before you actually kicked him out. Now he's circling back around, probably because she isn't speaking to him anymore and he knows you'll sleep with him. He told you he doesn't want a relationship with you right now - please listen to him. Don't offer him the pleasure of your time and affection while he behaved badly in your relationship and is avoiding committing now too.

 

The letter, while cathartic, won't help. He's already told you his stance. If you absolutely can't avoid him at this event, then simply tell him directly that this arrangement isn't working and you're not interested in being his bed-buddy. Think of it this way: cutting ties will hurt, but you know what will hurt more? Continuing to sleep with him and then finding out he's talking to, seeing or sleeping with other girls too. Cutting him off is self-preservation, OP.

[Matt3939]

He cheated on you but you still sleep with him. He's keeping you on a leash. He's contacting you and being nice to sleep with you. You are seeing him. Tell him how you feel face to face.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, do cut him off. You've just allowed him to maneuver you into what he wanted all along, to have you and other girls too whenever he feels like it.

 

What about what you want though? Shouldn't that matter as much, if not more. Why settle for a lopsided relationship where you've been demoted from girlfriend to bed partner leaving him free to sleep with whoever. And come on, you know he is. Or will once he gets another girl to say yes.

 

Time to tell him it's done, cut him off, don't respond no matter what he says or does. He cheated, you did the right thing, then you waffled and now he feels he can jerk you around no matter what.