Strain

[ReginaQuail]

My fiancé and I have been together for four years and I love him but our relationship has been a bit strained lately. I feel like our relationship is more 80/20 than 50/50 meaning I feel like I'm the one compromising more often than he is. I'm always having to adjust things to fit his needs. Along with that, he doesn't show that he loves me as often as I would like. He works three days a week and is off four days a week while I work five days a week and am off two days a week. His idea of spending time with me is watching tv while he chats on facebook with his "bros" in a group they have called "the brew crew" most of the time I just get ignored. As well as in bed, most of the time we do it when he wants but not when I want because he's always too "tired". Along with him being off more often than I am, I leave a small chore list of thing for him to do while I'm gone. Nothing more than wash dishes or do a load of laundry or tidy up the living room but nothing ever gets done. He just sits and plays video games all day meanwhile on my off days i end up doing all the chores that has stacked up while he gets mad at me because he was "just about to do that". Just yesterday I asked him to do dishes and he only cleaned three plates and left the dishwasher full of dishes but didn't start it and spent the rest of his day playing video games. I feel like I'm engaged to a 12 year old and that I'm always having to mother him and remind him to do stuff. When we first started dating he wasn't like this, he was always so caring and loving and I don't doubt that he doesn't love me but his behavior is a big strain on me. I've tried to talk to him about this many times but it always ends with him crying and saying that he will change and him begging for me to not break up with him even though breaking up wasn't even mentioned or him yelling at me saying that I'm irrational. But nothing changes. This was more of a rant seeing that I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm open to solutions or comments. Just anyone that has insight to help me. I love him and want to be with him, I just need some help.

[j.man]

Three days on as in 8 hour shifts?

 

Are you two 50/50 on finances?

[ReginaQuail]

Three days on as in 8 hour shifts?

 

Are you two 50/50 on finances?

 

We are 50/50 on finances but he works 24 hour shifts three days a week while I work 9 hour shifts 5 days a week which is why when I ask him to do chores on his off day, I just ask for simple small stuff that doesn't take long at all like do a load of laundry.

[Butterfly1983]

If you are both open to it, you could try counseling. On the flip side, I think you'll have to ask yourself, what if he doesn't change? Can you deal with this if you get married?

[Andrina]

Loving someone is only one aspect to be happy in a relationship. Other major things needs to be there also for a lifetime of happiness. You don't spend quality time together. He's not responsible enough to share chores. He doesn't want to lose you and yet he takes you for granted and doesn't care that you're upset, otherwise, he would improve. If you will only be happy if someone changes, the relationship is not right for you. You did the right thing by communicating your wishes. He has stayed the same, which gives you your answer, doesn't it?

 

You're settling. You've found out what you don't want in a relationship. I would leave. Breakups are upsetting for everybody, but being a martyr and sacrificing your own happiness because you don't want your soon-to-be-ex to be upset, is not something you should do with your one precious life.

[westwardho18]

You are in a relationship with a boy not a man it's up to you how much time you waste on him, he is probably a good person but needs to grow up, he has lost respect for you and will continue to take you for granted until it is too late unfortunately this is a life lesson for you both, he needs a massive kick in the hole and losing you will no doubt be what it takes for him to wake up, and you will learn to never let anyone take advantage of your good nature again

[ParisPaulette]

If you think it's bad now, just wait until you marry the guy and he drops any pretense of that 20 percent. Nope, you tell him it's either couples counseling NOW to learn how to have a true two-way street marriage or there's the door.

 

Or yes, expect to be maid, cook and have to keep a job while he runs off to have fun all the time and treats you like his mom, which he is already doing.

 

You aren't a fiancee, you're a mother to a grown man who should know better. Time to insist he change with an outside party to mediate, OR end things and find someone more equality minded.

 

And of course he's going to be upset, losing free labor is always upsetting for those who want others to do their work. This doesn't mean you should settle for a one-way street or slavery to the kitchen though, just because he'll have to do things for himself instead of having someone do it all for him.