Should I invite ex to party?

[CloudLoud]

The obvious answer might seem no, but I have a very specific situation here. I'll try to put it simply using bulletpoints.

 

The context:

 

- Dated this one girl for ages.

 

- I was new to the place so my friendship group mostly consisted of her friends.

 

- Broke up recently. It was/is difficult.

 

- She's recently started a thing with an old friend of hers. Let's call him Bill (not his actual name).

 

- Now, this really rubbed salt in my wounds as Bill was someone she used to cheat on her past boyfriend with. People kept warning me that it might happen again and some made jokes that Bill and her still had feelings for each other. In our relationship she would sometimes mention him to tease me and occasionally "threatened" me by mentioning him (eg. We went through a rough patch once and she tried to annoyed me by talking about how much she prefers Bill and would be with him if I stopped dating her). She never did cheat on me with Bill, but for her to be with him so suddenly seems in bad taste and is bad for my self-esteem. I occasionally feared I was 2nd best to him and now it's like my suspicions were confirmed.

 

- Also, when we broke up she hinted that me and her might get back together at some point if we both improved ourselves. This gave me a false sense of hope and made the revelation she was with Bill all the more confidence-crushing.

 

- Since the break-up, the relationship between me and my/her friends has been rocky. They prefer to hang out with her and since the Bill revelation I've tried to avoid her. So that means avoiding my friends too.

 

- I've been planning a party for a while now.

 

- I'm going to have to leave my friends soon so this party means a lot to me. I was going to make it a very special occasion and invite loads of people to it. The last time I hosted a party for them it was probably the best day of my life and it really helped me to get to know them. So needles to say, doing another one would be wonderful.

 

- But now I'm not too sure about it because that might mean having to invite her and Bill (who is also part of our friendship group).

 

Here's my dilemma:

 

- Not inviting them would make me look like a very bitter person. Some of my friends might back down from the party because of it or question why she/Bill aren't invited and I wouldn't want things to get too personal like that.

 

- But then again inviting them might result in me getting jealous and there being awkward interactions between me and them.

 

- But then again Bill is actually a nice guy (doesn't sound like it but he's a kind person) so I'm sure he'd avoid doing things that might make me feel jealous or restrain himself from being with her at all.

 

- But then again, whenever she gets drunk...

 

- But then again, inviting them would be a sign of maturity, acceptance and that I am moving on from her. Which would make me look good in other people's eyes and raise my confidence.

 

- But then again everyone at the party might get second-hand embarrassment at the fact my ex-girlfriend and the guy they always theorised would ruin our relationship are at my party.

 

And so on, so forth...

 

Advice?

[Wiseman2]

Only invite real friends. Exes are not friends. It's not a sign of "maturity" to invite an ex, it's a sign of poor judgement.

 

Surely you can come up with enough of your own friends and their dates/guests to not have to scrape the bottom of the barrel and dig up guests like an ex and her new bf.

[Snny]

Since the break-up, the relationship between me and my/her friends has been rocky. They prefer to hang out with her

Some of my friends might back down from the party because of it or question why she/Bill aren't invited

TBH, it really doesn't sound like these people are truly your friends. They are her friends and they are going to stay allied with her.

 

The reality of break ups is that friendships also get split. The fact they are spending time with her and her new boyfriend rather than you speaks volumes.

 

Do not invite your ex. This has zero to do with maturity or being the "bigger person." You broke up and you are moving forward without her. If she doesn't get invited, that is her loss. You may need to find new friends after this.

[Chon]

Personally I think having the party doesn't really make sense unless these people are your actual close friends.

 

From what you're describing, most of these people see her as the primary friend and you as a secondary friend.

 

There's a greater chance you'll end up more disappointed when you realise that people don't really feel comfortable hanging out with you, if your ex isn't there.

[CloudLoud]

Response to Wiseman2:

 

I can't unfortunately. Both of them are major members of our friendship group. They're not the bottom of the barrel, they're the top.

Not to mention I know them through her so not inviting her would be very obvious and strange since I've never been with them without her around too.

 

All my other friends who aren't part of the group (and therefore wouldn't mind them not being invited) simply don't like parties.

[Chon]

I can't unfortunately. Both of them are major members of our friendship group. They're not the bottom of the barrel, they're the top.

Not to mention I know them through her so not inviting her would be very obvious and strange since I've never been with them without her around too.

 

All my other friends who aren't part of the group (and therefore wouldn't mind them not being invited) simply don't like parties.

 

Do you meet with any of these friends on a one to one basis/small group by yourself? I think that is a good litmus test for as to whether you should proceed with this party or not.

[CloudLoud]

I think you and Snny might be right. They are definitely people in that group who love me and cherish me but just inviting that specific part of them would be even weirder.

[RainyCoast]

i don't think anyone would expect you to invite your ex and her guy.

 

 

it's not mature. it's weird and uncomfortable and grounds for a terrible party. nobody even expects you to still have her number, talk to her, not have her blocked or consider her a friend.

[CloudLoud]

Response to Chon:

No. Only once and never again.

[CloudLoud]

i don't think anyone would expect you to invite your ex and her guy.

 

 

nobody even expects you to still have her number, talk to her, not have her blocked or consider her a friend.

 

I do, I do, I don't and I kinda do. I can be really spineless sometimes.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Get together with them and reconnect going out to dinner or a small gather at your place for something. You need to move on, branch out and not let your ex anf her new bf run your social life.

All my other friends who aren't part of the group (and therefore wouldn't mind them not being invited) simply don't like parties.

[CloudLoud]

Excellent. Get together with them and reconnect going out to dinner or a small gather at your place for something. You need to move on, branch out and not let your ex anf her new bf run your social life.

 

I guess you are absolutely right.

Plus there's this other girl in my second friendship group... but nah.

[shessofly]

i don't think anyone would expect you to invite your ex and her guy.

 

it's not mature. it's weird and uncomfortable and grounds for a terrible party. nobody even expects you to still have her number, talk to her, not have her blocked or consider her a friend.

 

This.

 

Why put yourself through the unnecessary torment just to appease others, who by the sounds of it are not even truly your friends? You are trying to have a repeat of the first party, which occurred under an entirely different set of circumstances. Have the party if you must, but leave the ex out of it. That's just setting yourself up for a really awkward evening. Sounds like a horrible idea.

[Scoe141]

Absolutely not.

If you need a doormat for the entrance to your party, you already have some experience. I don't mean to sound crude, but you shouldn't be treated how your ex treated you. Not to mention she wants to keep you on the top shelf? What???

 

So they're part of your innercircle? Who's party is this anyway? Any people may not go because they're not going? Who's friends are they anyway? Not to mention you said something about her getting drunk?

 

It's like a bunch of sheep are having a party. And someone invites a lion, coyote and hyena and expecting nothing to happen. Even if it's a few sheep giving the stink eye.

 

Do you man. Forget this girl and her new lover. Time to have your party, heal and move forward.

[CloudLoud]

You are trying to have a repeat of the first party, which occurred under an entirely different set of circumstances

It sure hurts to hear the truth. You are absolutely right.

[CloudLoud]

If you need a doormat for the entrance to your party, you already have some experience.

 

Is that some kind of common expression. Cause I've never head of it. And thanks. You are probably right.

[CloudLoud]

I think I'll just cancel it and simply focus on other/new friends. Even if we're not that close at least it'll be less stressful.

[Scoe141]

Is that some kind of common expression. Cause I've never head of it. And thanks. You are probably right.

 

It just means I don't want your ex walking all over you. It sounds like she has a history of doing that to guys.

 

I just don't want to see you hurting anymore.

[Scoe141]

I think I'll just cancel it and simply focus on other/new friends. Even if we're not that close at least it'll be less stressful.

 

I have nothing wrong with that. Or have a few people over or go out for the night.

[CloudLoud]

Thanks guys.

 

I'm not sure if I'm meant to close this thread or not?

[RainyCoast]

they can't be closed, it's just done when no more replies are submitted. if noone replies it'll just get drowned under new threads.

 

maybe more people will chime in with tips, or you'll want to post an update, ask more opinions in a few days (although you get more responses by starting a new thread).

[Billie28]

Don't host a party. It's creating a dilemma you could do without.

[Annia]

Response to Wiseman2:

 

I can't unfortunately. Both of them are major members of our friendship group. They're not the bottom of the barrel, they're the top.

Not to mention I know them through her so not inviting her would be very obvious and strange since I've never been with them without her around too.

 

All my other friends who aren't part of the group (and therefore wouldn't mind them not being invited) simply don't like parties.

 

Who cares what she thinks?

 

You need to find friends that are not related to her and don't obsess over this. Also if this party is causing you so much anxiety and so many dilemmas just don't do it because you won't be having fun and that's the purpose of parties.

[derroax]

Invite the people you actually want there and don't invite those who might make you feel uncomfortable. That IS a sign of maturity because you know you're still healing and not throwing yourself into something stupid.

 

If anyone asks if/why she is not invited, you can always be honest and say it's been a process of healing and you don't feel ready yet to see them together, but that you will move on and would hope to be friends with her again.

 

Those people who are your friends will understand what you're going through and will know this is the right decision.

[abitbroken]

Invite a few friends and a few new people you recently met who don't know Bill. Forget the ex and Bill. Who cares what anyone thinks about you not inviting them. Better yet, just have 1-3 friends over for dinner and forget having a big party. No one with any class will ask why they are not invited. If they ask, say you and ex broke up and have moved on. End of story. But people who ask are not true friends