In need of good advice

[Advice2014]

Hi I have been searching the Internet for help find the answers and then I thought it might help if I ask someone who doesn't know me or my partner as I've got myself into a mess!

 

I will start from the beginning where me and my partner met at the young age of 18 (we are both 31 now) from then although there were great things with us the relationship was just so toxic! I've known of 3 times he cheated from 18-24 he's also hit me a couple of times. One night he pulled my clothes off in the street after an argument and threw me in a bush. But I stayed with him because deep down I was very insecure! When I was 19 I was told I'd never have children naturally and this knocked my confidence very bad. My partner and I stayed together we went through ivf at 24 but unfortunately had a miscarriage. from then I lost control of myself I gained weight I became increasingly depressed!l I didn't go to work I just didn't do life! I went back to work and started feeling a little better and then we decided to try Ivf again. We are now blessed the most beautiful little boy in the word who we both adore.

 

When I had our little boy I changed! I feel like my worries had gone I was no longer depressed. I found myself losing weight looking good and meeting new people. My partner never bothered with me on Mother's Day he said I just didn't think you cared. He's not very romantic in that way at all in fact all he seems to care about with me (to me) is sex. He does hold great qualities but I'm not sure anymore whether he is very controlling and selfish.

 

Last February I bumped into an old friend (male) who I grew up with in the supermarket we spoke on fb and agreed to meet we instantly felt attracted to eachotber. Although I've spoken to him on and off for a year I met him in December where we kissed and began to like eachother. My partner found out and went mad he punched me in my sleep while our son was sleeping in his room. I get that I pissed him off and I deserve it but nobody else seems to think so. They keep telling me to leave him but I can't because I'm scared I've made a mistake especially having a little boy with him and believe me I feel ashamed of myself for doing what I've done. I just don't know what to do!

 

Advice is very welcomed!

[Wiseman2]

Abuse doesn't justify cheating and nothing justifies abuse. Who is "they" are telling you to leave? Friends? Family? Coworkers? Doctors? Domestic violence agencies?

 

Are you still working? Do you have money or a car? Do you have friends family nearby who know about the abuse? It's unfair to subject your child to a violent home. Hopefully CPS won't take him from you because you "love" your partner more than your child and don't mind being a punching bag.

 

How often have the cops been involved? Soon he'll start beating both of you because 'He does hold great qualities' and you choose to remain in denial about how bad a violent home and abuse really are .

I've known of 3 times he cheated from 18-24 he's also hit me a couple of times.When I had our little boy I changed! I bumped into an old friend (male) who I grew up with in the supermarket we spoke on fb and agreed to meet we instantly felt attracted to eachotber. Although I've spoken to him on and off for a year I met him in December where we kissed and began to like eachother. My partner found out and went mad he punched me in my sleep while our son was sleeping in his room.

[Advice2014]

Yes I work I own my own car. I have never or would ever raise my voice Infront of my child. I understand that this would effect my son which is why I have come here in the first place.

[RainyCoast]

you didn't deserve anything. no one deserves abuse. and even if you were the worst person in the world no one has the right to abuse you. they get to leave you if they don't like you.

 

you should definitely leave. you and your child are not safe there. get social services and the police involved and ask them to help you plan a safe exit. women in abusive relationships are most at risk for being killed when leaving so he must not know you're on the way out until you are out, and by then the authorities will help you have a restraining order in place.

 

get counseling to move out of the mindset that you are too bad to deserve to leave a violent man.

 

don't resort to cheating to have your emotional needs met.

 

feeling loved every now and then doesn't protect you from the violence at home.

[Advice2014]

I didn't say as a swift of this I've cheated.... But I can't help but blame myself for my partners behavior which is why I never left.

[Advice2014]

I think maybe talking to someone will help I just can't get it in my head it's not going to happen again or it's not my fault

[Wiseman2]

He was cheating and beating you before that. Your poor son having to stay in a violent home because of your choice to stay with an abuser and poor self esteem. Do you think when he starts beating your son you'll have the sense to finally leave?

I think maybe talking to someone will help I just can't get it in my head it's not going to happen again or it's not my fault

[Advice2014]

He would never touch a finger on my son that would never happen! I know what your saying that he was doing it before and I did stay but now because I do have a little boy I need to make sure what I'm doing is right!

[Wiseman2]

Watching dad beat mom and screaming and violence and instability are all not a good environment for a child.

 

Agree. It's not just about you anymore.

He would never touch a finger on my son that would never happen! I know what your saying that he was doing it before and I did stay but now because I do have a little boy I need to make sure what I'm doing is right!

[Advice2014]

Yes I agree with that totally

[Advice2014]

I still can't stop blaming myself that's my problem. I think every time it's been my fault so it makes it very difficult for me.