Light at the end of the tunnel?

[Person1001]

Well thanks for being honest. once again I'm not trying to judge you. What do you guys have in common? I mean what do you spend your time talking about? lol can you name some of his favorite teams or do you guys watch your favorite shows together. I remember long distance and doing stupid stuff like that with my boyfriend. Are you guys just kind of wing or where do you see this going? Once again I'm just trying to help. I see your still hopeful which I can completely understand.

 

We have the same views and we love talking politics. We send each other political joke type of stuff and we can spend hours just talking about random stuff. Idk just random things.

[evad1]

We have the same views and we love talking politics. We send each other political joke type of stuff and we can spend hours just talking about random stuff. Idk just random things.

 

That doesn't sound too bad. That's a good start actually Did you guys try either video conferencing or talking on the phone just once a day instead of texting all day? That was so helpful when I did long distance. I reread some of your post and it seems like you guys could have something. Did he ever find a job? I kind of get what's going on but do you guys get into arguments about the contact thing still?

[Person1001]

That doesn't sound too bad. That's a good start actually Did you guys try either video conferencing or talking on the phone just once a day instead of texting all day? That was so helpful when I did long distance. I reread some of your post and it seems like you guys could have something. Did he ever find a job? I kind of get what's going on but do you guys get into arguments about the contact thing still?

 

The whole thing blew up cause of contact, he has always been lacking in that sense. We are both travelling atm, I made the mistake of being clingy, obsessive and threatening to break up. I thought he wasnt going on the trip, I caught at a bad time. He asked me to give him breathing room as he felt strained, this has been going on for a week or so. He has been conflicted about the relationship. Its been difficult for me, he still says that he loves me and always has. He feels like i take way too personal when it takes him awhile to respond.

[evad1]

The whole thing blew up cause of contact, he has always been lacking in that sense. We are both travelling atm, I made the mistake of being clingy, obsessive and threatening to break up. I thought he wasnt going on the trip, I caught at a bad time. He asked me to give him breathing room as he felt strained, this has been going on for a week or so. He has been conflicted about the relationship. Its been difficult for me, he still says that he loves me and always has. He feels like i take way too personal when it takes him awhile to respond.

 

Ooooo I see. Yea you can't do that lol. Everyone has said it before but if you really love him you'll trust him. You said he's different from most of the other guys. I really think you guys should cut it down to once a day on the phone or a video call and no more texting outside of emergency purposes. The texting is killing whatever you guys are working to build. I did long distance and it's completely possible to just do a phone call or video call a day and we went months without seeing each other. I don't want to hear excuses. It also forces you to do other stuff. I'm sure you're tired of everyone giving you the same responses. Im sure you're tired of arguing. The fix for this problem is easy. You have more important things to work towards like working towards a future where you guys can get a place and settle down. I believe he was really young so I imagine or I hope he's working on his career and growing in between trying to have fun. I'm sorry you've been hurt before but you're taking a risk here regardless. him texting back automatically will not confirm anything. You should tell him that you don't want to text any longer only calls and video calls. If you continue to try and establish things through texting it's only fair to him if you let him go. If you really care about him like you say it's either change or let him go. lol I'm going to call you on it too if I see posting about this again because I gave you the solution and it's a easy one but if you continue to think about yourself it will be hard.

[Person1001]

Ooooo I see. Yea you can't do that lol. Everyone has said it before but if you really love him you'll trust him. You said he's different from most of the other guys. I really think you guys should cut it down to once a day on the phone or a video call and no more texting outside of emergency purposes. The texting is killing whatever you guys are working to build. I did long distance and it's completely possible to just do a phone call or video call a day and we went months without seeing each other. I don't want to hear excuses. It also forces you to do other stuff. I'm sure you're tired of everyone giving you the same responses. Im sure you're tired of arguing. The fix for this problem is easy. You have more important things to work towards like working towards a future where you guys can get a place and settle down. I believe he was really young so I imagine or I hope he's working on his career and growing in between trying to have fun. I'm sorry you've been hurt before but you're taking a risk here regardless. him texting back automatically will not confirm anything. You should tell him that you don't want to text any longer only calls and video calls. If you continue to try and establish things through texting it's only fair to him if you let him go. If you really care about him like you say it's either change or let him go. lol I'm going to call you on it too if I see posting about this again because I gave you the solution and it's a easy one but if you continue to think about yourself it will be hard.

 

I am tired of not working things out. The problem is he isnt really working towards anything. He is younger then me and i am his 1st adult relationship. Idk if its immaturity or what. I have suggested calling more and communicating in general, a lottle better but still. It just bugs that he says he has been busy, but not too busy to post to facebook.

[evad1]

I am tired of not working things out. The problem is he isnt really working towards anything. He is younger then me and i am his 1st adult relationship. Idk if its immaturity or what. I have suggested calling more and communicating in general, a lottle better but still. It just bugs that he says he has been busy, but not too busy to post to facebook.

 

See there is the big problem! I wish I could tell you otherwise but you can't force him to change. Like someone said you guys make your goals together over the phone. Have a deadline set this should only be one call and you shouldn't have to discuss it again or else at that point it's repetitive and pointless. If he doesn't change you'll have to leave. You've moved on before I saw. There are other nice guys if it doesn't work out but you can't continue like this anymore. Stress is bad for your health and you shouldn't have to waste a year on this guy if he isn't going to change. It's not about quantity but quality. You should enjoy the time you do get to speak even if it's not often as you like and you should see him working towards settling down.

[Person1001]

See there is the big problem! I wish I could tell you otherwise but you can't force him to change. Like someone said you guys make your goals together over the phone. Have a deadline set this should only be one call and you shouldn't have to discuss it again or else at that point it's repetitive and pointless. If he doesn't change you'll have to leave. You've moved on before I saw. There are other nice guys if it doesn't work out but you can't continue like this anymore. Stress is bad for your health and you shouldn't have to waste a year on this guy if he isn't going to change. It's not about quantity but quality. You should enjoy the time you do get to speak even if it's not often as you like and you should see him working towards settling down.

 

Def! He has always said he was out of my league, but i love him and i know his intentions are good. I told hin i want to work on compromises and he said he would work w me. Im praying he isnt saying it to pacify me.

[Batya33]

Def! He has always said he was out of my league, but i love him and i know his intentions are good. I told hin i want to work on compromises and he said he would work w me. Im praying he isnt saying it to pacify me.

 

How many times have you seen him in person and for what length of time?

[Person1001]

How many times have you seen him in person and for what length of time?

 

We have met up 3 times, the longest was him coming over for 10 days.

[Batya33]

We have met up 3 times, the longest was him coming over for 10 days.

 

OK so you've spent less than a month with him in person, right? Of course you might feel loving feelings -you can feel loving feelings for people right away, or for an animal, etc - but the knowledge on which you base your love and vice versa is very narrow - this is a person you are just getting to know and your first impression has been on the clingy/needy side, so understandably he is evaluating that in this short time of knowing you you are exhibiting these traits that are concerning for potential long term.

[Person1001]

OK so you've spent less than a month with him in person, right? Of course you might feel loving feelings -you can feel loving feelings for people right away, or for an animal, etc - but the knowledge on which you base your love and vice versa is very narrow - this is a person you are just getting to know and your first impression has been on the clingy/needy side, so understandably he is evaluating that in this short time of knowing you you are exhibiting these traits that are concerning for potential long term.

 

True, but we have been talking for 6 months and building the relationship for 3. I didnt visit him until about 2 months into us talking. I started being clingy after he left as he was having doubts. This apparently has happened to him before in other relationships, something he didnt tell me until the other day, that he starts doubting. He has a hard time connecting to people, even his friends, thats why Im acting so needy. Also he was 1st to talk about a long distance relationship and to say i love you.

[Tanzi]

Is it normal to w draw like that after he felt suffocated?

 

If he is feeling suffocated? Yes, of course. He is going to have to get his breathing space somehow and if you aren't listening to him then you are leaving him no choice but to ignore you. He is finding his own space. There is only so many times you can ask for space.

 

To be honest LDR's aren't for the faint hearted and, nowadays, it seems that people put a relationship status on an internet connection without having even met in the real world or without having had the chance to feel something special. They just want something.

 

If there is nothing special to begin with in a long distance relationship then it is going to be impossible to realise that online .... not in "real" terms anyway ... only in terms of a "fantasy". This then means, however, that one or both parties will continue to live in the real world and not take their "virtual" relationship seriously enough. It ends up being nothing more than a distraction from the real world when nothing much else is going on.

 

LDR's rarely work out this way. You are now in a catch 22 situation. You want more, you nag for more, he backs away more, therefore you nag more ......

 

Let him have his space and wait to see if he contacts you but, if I were you, I would have a serious think as to whether you are emotionally strong enough to handle a long distance relationship because most of them aren't built on something solid enough to make them last the duration.

 

Also, seeing as you are both travelling, I really don't think this is not the right time for you to be in a LDR. This is the time to be free to enjoy this experience .... and neither of you are doing that.

[Person1001]

If he is feeling suffocated? Yes, of course. He is going to have to get his breathing space somehow and if you aren't listening to him then you are leaving him no choice but to ignore you. He is finding his own space. There is only so many times you can ask for space.

 

To be honest LDR's aren't for the faint hearted and, nowadays, it seems that people put a relationship status on an internet connection without having even met in the real world or without having had the chance to feel something special. They just want something.

 

If there is nothing special to begin with in a long distance relationship then it is going to be impossible to realise that online .... not in "real" terms anyway ... only in terms of a "fantasy". This then means, however, that one or both parties will continue to live in the real world and not take their "virtual" relationship seriously enough. It ends up being nothing more than a distraction from the real world when nothing much else is going on.

 

LDR's rarely work out this way. You are now in a catch 22 situation. You want more, you nag for more, he backs away more, therefore you nag more ......

 

Let him have his space and wait to see if he contacts you but, if I were you, I would have a serious think as to whether you are emotionally strong enough to handle a long distance relationship because most of them aren't built on something solid enough to make them last the duration.

 

Also, seeing as you are both travelling, I really don't think this is not the right time for you to be in a LDR. This is the time to be free to enjoy this experience .... and neither of you are doing that.

 

We are inly travelling a max if 2 weeks, it was def the wrong time to bring it up though.

[Batya33]

True, but we have been talking for 6 months and building the relationship for 3. I didnt visit him until about 2 months into us talking. I started being clingy after he left as he was having doubts. This apparently has happened to him before in other relationships, something he didnt tell me until the other day, that he starts doubting. He has a hard time connecting to people, even his friends, thats why Im acting so needy. Also he was 1st to talk about a long distance relationship and to say i love you.

 

The time spent chatting and talking has little to do with getting to know him in person if the goal was an in person romantic relationship rather than a flirty chat buddy. I wouldn't play therapist/analyst. You're acting so needy because you are choosing to - it won't help you in the least to blame it on him "not connecting" or "being distant". There are other alternatives to someone acting distant than to respond by acting needy. You can: retreat (and explain that you're giving space if you feel it otherwise would come across in a rude way), ask a question in a fact gathering way (as opposed to a needy way), etc.

 

If he says he has a hard time connecting to people and that is true then you have information to then evaluate as to whether he is a potentially good match for you. If you wonder whether that is true or just an excuse that's another thing to consider.

 

Saying I love you and saying words about a long distance relationship needs to be backed up with consistent actions.

[Person1001]

The time spent chatting and talking has little to do with getting to know him in person if the goal was an in person romantic relationship rather than a flirty chat buddy. I wouldn't play therapist/analyst. You're acting so needy because you are choosing to - it won't help you in the least to blame it on him "not connecting" or "being distant". There are other alternatives to someone acting distant than to respond by acting needy. You can: retreat (and explain that you're giving space if you feel it otherwise would come across in a rude way), ask a question in a fact gathering way (as opposed to a needy way), etc.

 

If he says he has a hard time connecting to people and that is true then you have information to then evaluate as to whether he is a potentially good match for you. If you wonder whether that is true or just an excuse that's another thing to consider.

 

Saying I love you and saying words about a long distance relationship needs to be backed up with consistent actions.

 

We have spoken about personal stuff, its not all flirty as we have had heart to heart talks. I have straight out asked him if he wanted a relationship or if he wanted to break up (not needy just straight out truth). He doesnt want to break up, but he was unsure. For now im gonna let it be, once he and i are back home, I will see what we can work out l, if we can work out a relationship. He said he was willing to work w me as long as I left him alone for his trip.

[Person1001]

Btw we have met a couple times, long enough for both of us to feel the connection

[Batya33]

Btw we have met a couple times, long enough for both of us to feel the connection

 

Right. You can feel a connection instantly. You can have lots of feelings but that is not my point. I am not taking about feeling a connection. I am talking about developing a connection, over a period of at least several months, where you see each other regularly in person and spend time together in person. You do not have that yet with this person. What you do have is an early impression of your being needy/clingy and choosing your own need for reassurance over his best interests or needs. He might give you another chance to make a better and more balanced impression or he might not. When I was subjected to someone's neediness and insecurities early on I gave him another chance 3 weeks in especially because he was seeing a therapist and I liked him as a person. Things were better for about a week and then he started behaving in that way again and even worse in some ways. I ended things after about 6-7 weeks mostly because of the way he subjected me to his insecurities. He is handsome, successful, intelligent and now in his 50s, a dozen years later. And single. Maybe he wants to be single these days- not sure -but when I met him he very much wanted a long term relationship leading to marriage and was very interested in me. We met through an online site by the way. I knew that long term I could not deal with the way he treated me when he felt insecure.

 

You are confusing feelings with facts, confusing the importance of feelings with the importance of consistent actions over a period of time (and not just seeing each other 3 times in person for a few weeks total), and not fully accepting responsibility for your choice of how to react to your feelings of insecurity. He is being straightforward and honest with you. What you are experiencing right now is SO hard - I know -the waiting can feel like torture - but it's a great opportunity for you to reflect and make different choices with him -if he chooses to see you again - or with someone else.

[Person1001]

Right. You can feel a connection instantly. You can have lots of feelings but that is not my point. I am not taking about feeling a connection. I am talking about developing a connection, over a period of at least several months, where you see each other regularly in person and spend time together in person. You do not have that yet with this person. What you do have is an early impression of your being needy/clingy and choosing your own need for reassurance over his best interests or needs. He might give you another chance to make a better and more balanced impression or he might not. When I was subjected to someone's neediness and insecurities early on I gave him another chance 3 weeks in especially because he was seeing a therapist and I liked him as a person. Things were better for about a week and then he started behaving in that way again and even worse in some ways. I ended things after about 6-7 weeks mostly because of the way he subjected me to his insecurities. He is handsome, successful, intelligent and now in his 50s, a dozen years later. And single. Maybe he wants to be single these days- not sure -but when I met him he very much wanted a long term relationship leading to marriage and was very interested in me. We met through an online site by the way. I knew that long term I could not deal with the way he treated me when he felt insecure.

 

You are confusing feelings with facts, confusing the importance of feelings with the importance of consistent actions over a period of time (and not just seeing each other 3 times in person for a few weeks total), and not fully accepting responsibility for your choice of how to react to your feelings of insecurity. He is being straightforward and honest with you. What you are experiencing right now is SO hard - I know -the waiting can feel like torture - but it's a great opportunity for you to reflect and make different choices with him -if he chooses to see you again - or with someone else.

 

I only have shown neediness in response to a gut feeling something was off about the way he was acting. I did lash out due to some other stress, but thats what happens when people are not straightforward w me. I was never needy w my ex until sonething was off, i was right. Same thing w the guy who ghosted me. I do plan on seeking help dealing w my emotions wheb crap hits the fan. I feel absolutely freaking helpless, but i know i will have my answer.

[Batya33]

I only have shown neediness in response to a gut feeling something was off about the way he was acting. I did lash out due to some other stress, but thats what happens when people are not straightforward w me. I was never needy w my ex until sonething was off, i was right. Same thing w the guy who ghosted me. I do plan on seeking help dealing w my emotions wheb crap hits the fan. I feel absolutely freaking helpless, but i know i will have my answer.

 

Once again you are avoiding responsibility for your choices. You cannot hope to have a healthy long term relationship without doing the hard work of accepting responsibility and making that your habit, your pattern until it is second nature and resonates with you. If something is off or if someone is not treating you properly or lying to you you have other alternatives (as I wrote above) to acting needy or clingy or lashing out. If you care to, read what I wrote above. Any inkling of "you made me do it" even if it is an internal version or story you tell yourself will be a major obstacle to having a healthy long term relationship.

 

Here is an alternative reaction to feeling helpless. It is not in your control at all whether he contacts you ever again (and if he doesn't it would not be ghosting as he already previewed for you how he is feeling -it would not be the most polite thing to not at least follow up and say "I am not interested in seeing you again" but it would not be disappearing) - so, since it is not in your control you can choose to act in a way that has you moving on, right now (maybe not going on a date until after he gets back from his trip but it's unlikely you would want to). React by getting some vigorous exercise and then take a long hot shower. React by calling a friend who might be in need of a friendly ear and not talking about your issues with your long distance person at all. Just give to your friend. Two ways you can make a different choice rather than "feeling helpless" and reacting as a victim.

[evad1]

We have spoken about personal stuff, its not all flirty as we have had heart to heart talks. I have straight out asked him if he wanted a relationship or if he wanted to break up (not needy just straight out truth). He doesnt want to break up, but he was unsure. For now im gonna let it be, once he and i are back home, I will see what we can work out l, if we can work out a relationship. He said he was willing to work w me as long as I left him alone for his trip.

 

Yes seriously try and work on it. I'm not going to say people don't connect online. I had a friend and she met this really nice guy on Facebook of all places. They talked for some time with no face to face and he took her in when she had no place to go and paid for her way. This is a regular guy making a little over 20K a year. So don't think he was pimping her out or something. The reason why I'm telling this story is because she ruined it!! I begged and pleaded with her to stop overthinking everything,"this is the first nice guy you've ever dated." He was helping her get her life together and she ruined it. When it was all said and done she blamed everyone but herself for what happened. Let it be please lol. Sometimes it's better to just go with the wind. I went with things and I'm happy with my life. I didn't have to learn the hard way lol and I haven't looked back. If you are certain like she was that this guy is different don't ruin it. Look online on how to work on yourself. Don't just do it for him but do it for yourself. You can work on yourself and your relationship. Don't waste this opportunity falling into the same routine. I don't even know if these words will mean anything to you but I'm typing them up because your story doesn't have to end like hers. I'm not saying make this relationship your life. It may not work out between you two or by some crazy chance this will lead somewhere but use this relationship as a reason to realize you have a problem and to work on it. No one but you can do this. It's not impossible I did and someone gave me the same advise on a forum!

[Batya33]

With all respect I don't think your anecdote is relevant to building a healthy relationship. Sounds like your friend was not in a place to have a healthy relationship in the first place. She was in a needy and vulnerable place and found someone who likes to help people in distress. She didn't ruin anything because from the get go this was not an equal or potentially equal relationship. She accepted financial help from a near stranger and they were attracted to each other too. He wasn't necessarily "nice" - a person who would do that for someone else with no strings attached might be a very thoughtful and generous person -and compassionate -but in this case this man got to have sex in return and a willing sexual partner who had nowhere else to go. That's not necessarily "nice".

 

I know of many happy, healthy, relationships that started out with online contact -I know of marriages, engagements ,etc. I met a fiancee through a personal ad many years ago and met many good men through online dating sites. In the OPs case my guess is that if she chooses to react with neediness/clinginess that likely would happen however they met so I agree with her working on herself.

[Person1001]

Once again you are avoiding responsibility for your choices. You cannot hope to have a healthy long term relationship without doing the hard work of accepting responsibility and making that your habit, your pattern until it is second nature and resonates with you. If something is off or if someone is not treating you properly or lying to you you have other alternatives (as I wrote above) to acting needy or clingy or lashing out. If you care to, read what I wrote above. Any inkling of "you made me do it" even if it is an internal version or story you tell yourself will be a major obstacle to having a healthy long term relationship.

 

Here is an alternative reaction to feeling helpless. It is not in your control at all whether he contacts you ever again (and if he doesn't it would not be ghosting as he already previewed for you how he is feeling -it would not be the most polite thing to not at least follow up and say "I am not interested in seeing you again" but it would not be disappearing) - so, since it is not in your control you can choose to act in a way that has you moving on, right now (maybe not going on a date until after he gets back from his trip but it's unlikely you would want to). React by getting some vigorous exercise and then take a long hot shower. React by calling a friend who might be in need of a friendly ear and not talking about your issues with your long distance person at all. Just give to your friend. Two ways you can make a different choice rather than "feeling helpless" and reacting as a victim.

 

I do need to get ahold of my feelings, but i will blame the person if they arent up front w me. I dont go for guys who arent interested. I have little to no respect for a man who has me open up to him, then for him to claim some BS excuse of not being ready. I never lead someone on and yes i have been at the point of not wanting to date due to heartbreak, i avoided dating situations for 3 months after my ex until i slowly started just dating. Being upfront w me (something i told him i needed) is all i ask for.

[Person1001]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I need to work in myself, when i have stress in my life (family, relationships, work etc) it eats my time and thoughts. Something i have always done, very unhealthy for sure.

[Birdie]

I do need to get ahold of my feelings, but i will blame the person if they arent up front w me. I dont go for guys who arent interested. I have little to no respect for a man who has me open up to him, then for him to claim some BS excuse of not being ready. I never lead someone on and yes i have been at the point of not wanting to date due to heartbreak, i avoided dating situations for 3 months after my ex until i slowly started just dating. Being upfront w me (something i told him i needed) is all i ask for.

 

He has been very honest and upfront with you. And sometimes, people aren't going to have the answer and demanding it just comes off again as needy and insecure. He may think he's ready, then realize he's either not ready/into you/able to deal with the distance/etc as your relationship develops. That's not leading you on, that's how relationships work....

 

You seem so freaked out by the idea of a relationship not working out. It happens, it's what dating is. So why waste time in an unfulfilling relationship when there's a better one out there?!