Light at the end of the tunnel?

[Person1001]

My long distance bf and I have been having a rough patch for a week or so. We have been dating a couple months and the reason for conflict is my need for more communication. Im not excusing his lack of effort, but i have been acting needy and it got to a point where i threatened to leave. I regret this deeply and its just been so hard not texting him. I tried to hammer my point home.

We came to the conclusion that we want to work it out. One thing though idk when we will message again (ill let him message me 1st). He is on a trip w friends and asked me to give him that time w friends. Does this look like the light at the end of the tunnel?

[Batya33]

Light at the end of the tunnel -meaning that this is a positive sign that he wants to talk to you after the trip? I think it's mostly neutral - it's unclear whether he is excited to talk to you and at the same time wants his space to be away with his friends and not have to think about being in contact with anyone from home including you. Based on the background you supplied my sense is you will not be hearing from him again and you should move on. I think that your needs to be in contact are just not in sync and once you threatened to leave that probably reached a point for him where he figured he'd tell you he wants to work it out and hope that by going away with his friends and not speaking for awhile, he can then delay the contact and hopefully fade out. I hate to be negative but that is how it looks to me. How are you sure he is actually on a trip if you two are long distance?

 

Also I don't think you wanted "more communication" -I think you wanted him to be in touch more often and to check in more often because you needed reassurance that he still wanted to be with you. And that dynamic can be difficult for the other person because the neediness can feel overwhelming or even suffocating. What does "working things out" mean -that he will check in with you more? Or do you actually want better communication -meaning that when you do talk you have interesting conversations and share meaningful parts of your lives? And if so how often do you want to have conversations and how often do you plan to see each other? "Work things out" is a nice sentiment but you need to get very specific as to what that looks like for you.

[Birdie]

You've been posting regularly about this guy and his lack of communication/commitment since November....

 

I think you really need to be honest with yourself here. This isn't just a "rough week".

[Person1001]

Light at the end of the tunnel -meaning that this is a positive sign that he wants to talk to you after the trip? I think it's mostly neutral - it's unclear whether he is excited to talk to you and at the same time wants his space to be away with his friends and not have to think about being in contact with anyone from home including you. Based on the background you supplied my sense is you will not be hearing from him again and you should move on. I think that your needs to be in contact are just not in sync and once you threatened to leave that probably reached a point for him where he figured he'd tell you he wants to work it out and hope that by going away with his friends and not speaking for awhile, he can then delay the contact and hopefully fade out. I hate to be negative but that is how it looks to me. How are you sure he is actually on a trip if you two are long distance?

 

Also I don't think you wanted "more communication" -I think you wanted him to be in touch more often and to check in more often because you needed reassurance that he still wanted to be with you. And that dynamic can be difficult for the other person because the neediness can feel overwhelming or even suffocating. What does "working things out" mean -that he will check in with you more? Or do you actually want better communication -meaning that when you do talk you have interesting conversations and share meaningful parts of your lives? And if so how often do you want to have conversations and how often do you plan to see each other? "Work things out" is a nice sentiment but you need to get very specific as to what that looks like for you.

 

He did say it was suffocating and i am preparing myself for the worst. Its been a stressful couple of days. He told me about the trip before and he has posts on fb abt it. I thought he wasnt going on the trip as he said he wasnt sure if he was going. I wouldnt have brought up the issue othetwise. I caught him at a bad time and its painful not hearing from him at all, i will not text him 1st.

[Batya33]

He did say it was suffocating and i am preparing myself for the worst. Its been a stressful couple of days. He told me about the trip before and he has posts on fb abt it. I thought he wasnt going on the trip as he said he wasnt sure if he was going. I wouldnt have brought up the issue othetwise. I caught him at a bad time and its painful not hearing from him at all, i will not text him 1st.

 

But you know what, it's not the worst. You behave in a way that is clingy/needy. That might be all you, or it might be your dynamic with him. Certainly if it's the latter, then it's a good thing if you cut ties with him. Of course it's painful being ignored. But hang tight and give him twice the space he seems to need. Long distance relationships are hard. I was in one but only because of very specific conditions and circumstances which made it work. I would focus on meeting someone who lives closer by and evaluating the way you interact with people you believe you care about.

[Person1001]

But you know what, it's not the worst. You behave in a way that is clingy/needy. That might be all you, or it might be your dynamic with him. Certainly if it's the latter, then it's a good thing if you cut ties with him. Of course it's painful being ignored. But hang tight and give him twice the space he seems to need. Long distance relationships are hard. I was in one but only because of very specific conditions and circumstances which made it work. I would focus on meeting someone who lives closer by and evaluating the way you interact with people you believe you care about.

 

Ive been ghosted before by another guy, so this is what triggered my paranoia. He did tell me that he didnt hate me and he wasnt ignoring me, just very busy. He has been straight w me the entire. Im one to hammer my points home, he says he loves me and its extremely difficult as this is the longest ive gone w out hearing from him. My mom said if he truly loved me, he would at least send 1 or 2 messages. Is it normal to w draw like that after he felt suffocated?

[Wiseman2]

Try to get a life outside of him so you are not hammering him, threatening him, depending on him, smothering him,etc.

 

Find more people, places and things in your local real life to interact with so you are not chronically waiting impatiently for him to contact you.

 

Ironically the more you nag and threaten and cling, the more self-defeating it is and the Less he wants to bother with you. What it looks like is he will eventually tire of babysitting your boredom and desperation and find local secure girls and probably will enjoy a breath of fresh air on this trip not tethered to you.

the reason for conflict is my need for more communication. i threatened to leave. I tried to hammer my point home. idk when we will message again.He is on a trip w friends and asked me to give him that time w friends.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think you'll listen to anyone's advice.

[Wiseman2]

That's sexy. No he won't meet or have fun with other girls on vacation. Why would he when he can get an earful of nagging from you instead?

I tried to hammer my point home.

]

[Batya33]

Ive been ghosted before by another guy, so this is what triggered my paranoia. He did tell me that he didnt hate me and he wasnt ignoring me, just very busy. He has been straight w me the entire. Im one to hammer my points home, he says he loves me and its extremely difficult as this is the longest ive gone w out hearing from him. My mom said if he truly loved me, he would at least send 1 or 2 messages. Is it normal to w draw like that after he felt suffocated?

 

He is not ghosting you. He has told you how he feels, he has told you he plans not to contact you for a basically indefinite time (he just said after the trip -who knows when that will be). It is sweet that he says he loves you. He might -but he also might feel that he cannot be with you because it's too stressful/annoying given your clinginess. Of course it's normal to withdraw if you feel suffocated -wouldn't you?

[Birdie]

When did you last hear from him?

[JaggerJim]

That's sexy. No he won't meet or have fun with other girls on vacation. Why would he when he can get an earful of nagging from you instead?

]

 

I think Batya and Wiseman have hammered home excellent points. Long Distance is hard and not fun.

[Person1001]

When did you last hear from him?

 

It will be 2 days

[Person1001]

He is not ghosting you. He has told you how he feels, he has told you he plans not to contact you for a basically indefinite time (he just said after the trip -who knows when that will be). It is sweet that he says he loves you. He might -but he also might feel that he cannot be with you because it's too stressful/annoying given your clinginess. Of course it's normal to withdraw if you feel suffocated -wouldn't you?

 

I would be tired of it too. This is the 1st time it bouled over like this, the 1st time i acted clingy. I guess its good he hasnt removed our pics from social media.

[Batya33]

I would be tired of it too. This is the 1st time it bouled over like this, the 1st time i acted clingy. I guess its good he hasnt removed our pics from social media.

 

I would see that as neutral. He's on his trip now.

[Person1001]

I would see that as neutral. He's on his trip now.

 

Does ot sound good though? I know he is tired of me pestering and said he wasnt ignoring me. It hurts a lot to see him actively posting, but not hearing from him.

[Wiseman2]

Hurt or annoyed? Stop playing the victim if you are the prison guard in this.

D It hurts a lot to see him actively posting, but not hearing from him.

[Batya33]

Does ot sound good though? I know he is tired of me pestering and said he wasnt ignoring me. It hurts a lot to see him actively posting, but not hearing from him.

 

No, it doesn't sound good or bad. Once you start reading into things like social media and whether photos are still up that's a sign that the other person is not that interested in being in contact with you.

 

You hurt him by being clingy -that's not loving, it's self-absorbed and maybe even selfish. He's actively posting because he chooses to. He was honest with you and said he wanted to have space from you, not everyone.

[Person1001]

No, it doesn't sound good or bad. Once you start reading into things like social media and whether photos are still up that's a sign that the other person is not that interested in being in contact with you.

 

You hurt him by being clingy -that's not loving, it's self-absorbed and maybe even selfish. He's actively posting because he chooses to. He was honest with you and said he wanted to have space from you, not everyone.

 

True, I have never brought this up to him. It hurt like heck to have him be so distant. After dealing w stress, I snapped. I understand he doesnt want space from everyone cause he is w friends. Im preparing myself for the very worse and not knowing is more horrible, then just breaking up.

[Batya33]

So stop waiting. Assume he has ended things and move on. Take some time to grieve, have a pity party, whatever and and then baby steps to moving on.

[evad1]

Sent you a message

[Person1001]

So stop waiting. Assume he has ended things and move on. Take some time to grieve, have a pity party, whatever and and then baby steps to moving on.

 

I casually reached out to him and he responded and even sent a little heart emoticon.

[evad1]

I casually reached out to him and he responded and even sent a little heart emoticon.

 

You should leave this alone. What do you like about him? It takes a lot to do long distance. I've had to do it several times with my boyfriend but I had no choice. If you need constant attention long distance will never work for you. I gave you advise in your last thread but I thought this was someone you had know for years. Not trying to offend but what about this relationship makes it worth it?

[Person1001]

You should leave this alone. What do you like about him? It takes a lot to do long distance. I've had to do it several times with my boyfriend but I had no choice. If you need constant attention long distance will never work for you. I gave you advise in your last thread but I thought this was someone you had know for years. Not trying to offend but what about this relationship makes it worth it?

 

I care about him and he does not treat me like a booty call, he has never pushed anything on me. In the past ive had guys that just throw in the towel when i begin to ask for a little more.

 

I admit, i have abandonment issues, esp after the guy i dated before my bf. He lead me on and then ghosted me. I found out he was never over his ex and despite a total change in communication, he claimed everything was fine.

 

My 1st serious relationship ended w complete heartbreak as he began taking me for granted. That has shaped a lot of insecurity and I know that its my fault for puahing so hard. I plan on seeking help w my emotions. My bf has been there for me and i know he wouldnt have come out to see me if he didnt care. When im w him i feel genuine love, something i havent felt since when i 1st started w my ex.

[evad1]

I care about him and he does not treat me like a booty call, he has never pushed anything on me. In the past ive had guys that just throw in the towel when i begin to ask for a little more.

 

I admit, i have abandonment issues, esp after the guy i dated before my bf. He lead me on and then ghosted me. I found out he was never over his ex and despite a total change in communication, he claimed everything was fine.

 

My 1st serious relationship ended w complete heartbreak as he began taking me for granted. That has shaped a lot of insecurity and I know that its my fault for puahing so hard. I plan on seeking help w my emotions. My bf has been there for me and i know he wouldnt have come out to see me if he didnt care. When im w him i feel genuine love, something i havent felt since when i 1st started w my ex.

 

Well thanks for being honest. once again I'm not trying to judge you. What do you guys have in common? I mean what do you spend your time talking about? lol can you name some of his favorite teams or do you guys watch your favorite shows together. I remember long distance and doing stupid stuff like that with my boyfriend. Are you guys just kind of wing or where do you see this going? Once again I'm just trying to help. I see your still hopeful which I can completely understand.