Do I get in touch or wait until he contacts me?

[Lm08]

Hi,

I started to date a guy I'd liked for ages about 2 months ago, I'd known him to say hi to for about a year before and he also used to make a fuss of my daughter whenever we saw him where he worked .

Last year he started texting me for a while and kept telling me he would like us to go out , but it never happened and I gave up... ( turns out he was still with his ex at the time )

 

Anyway around November he asked a friend of mine if I was still single and asked them to put in a good word for him.

 

I got in touch and we started to date, we saw each other about once a week and I let him know I wasn't expecting anything from him as he had a really tough time last year with the bereavement of his step child and had a lot of stuff going on.

I wasn't sure what the situation was his ex but he told me that even though he did still miss her, he hadn't loved her for a while.

 

I knew he was really unhappy though as he was still living in the house where they had lived together and said he hated being there on his own.

 

I encouraged him to surround himself with family and maybe think of moving in with his mom for a bit until he got back on track ...

 

Anyway everything seemed to be going well and he even spent Christmas Eve at my house and New Year, I wouldn't normally introduce a guy to my daughter so soon but it just felt natural because he knew her anyway and she really liked him.

 

I gave him plenty of space didn't bombard him with txts as I only wanted him to be around if he wanted to be...

 

He started a new job in January and I knew he had a lot going on so I didn't push things even though I never really knew when I would see him next

 

Just before he started his job he took a week off work and asked if he could come and stay at my house.

I was thrilled and we spent a really nice week together until the Saturday evening when he was acting a bit off, we were supposed to be going out and he seemed to pick an argument with me over virtually nothing

He said I needed to be more decisive and that he was used to Strong women and that if I carried on a few weeks down the line I'd be wondering why I hadn't seen him!!

 

I was really shocked by how he treated me because up until then he had been so nice,

The next day I tried to discuss it with him but he didn't want to talk about it.

So we exchanged a few texts and he said he was sorry if he had made me feel bad but he would try and make more of effort to see me in future.

 

He told me I needed to tell him when I wanted to see him and to be clear about it...

 

So I did what he said and started asking him if he was free rather than waiting for him to ask.... but as I thought whenever I did he would tell me he couldn't do that day etc ..

A few times he would make plans and then cancel on the day

 

I was starting to get a bad feeling about the whole thing so about 2 weeks ago I just said by txt that I didn't think he was putting enough effort in and that I felt like o was still single( he had said previously he wanted exclusivity)

He turned up at my house that night saying he was crazy about me, he thought the world of my daughter and that we would have regular times to see each other on Thursday evenings and some Sundays

So I felt happy

 

On the Thursday morning he text me to ask if we were still meeting later?

I said yes and he replied saying ok he was looking forward to it but wouldn't be able to stay?

I was disappointed but just said ok

 

Later that night I was getting ready to meet him and text to ask what time we were meeting at this bar, he replied saying he was really sorry but he'd had to go and visit his daughter because her mom had been taken into hospital ....

I knew she had been ill, so the issue wasn't that he wasn't coming it was the fact he hadn't bothered to let me know!!

I was so mad! But just replied ok

 

He txt later that night to say sorry he hadn't made it, but I didn't reply

He text the next morning to say hi, but I just sent a a short txt back

He knew I was made because he asked if I was upset with him and I explained why...

All I got back was fair point !!

I got a text later that night saying I know your disappointed but I contacted you as soon as I knew, but I completely understand I'm not giving you what you need x

 

I just replied saying but you didn't let me know, I had to txt you to find out! And that no your not giving me what I need but you've decided on that not me!!

He just replied ok, nite x

To which I didn't respond

He text me the following day to say hi and to ask about my day I responded but didn't ask after him

 

Anyway since then ( a week ago) he hadn't initiated any contact

I txt him on Tuesday as it was the anniversary of his step daughter's death to say I was thinking of him and he replied later that night saying thank you

Later in the evening when I had gone to bed I got a few texts from him telling me how stressed he is at the moment, etc etc but he didn't ask after me or mention seeing me again....

It was as though he was just treating me like a shoulder to cry on again.

 

I haven't heard since, I've still got some of his things( clothes ) from the week he spent at my house and I haven't mentioned collecting them because really I don't want it to be over.....but I really don't know what's going on in his head!

If he's back with his ex or if he really is just stressed etc???

But I do think how can you really care about someone and then just not make any effort??

I don't know what to do ?,,

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's cheating on his "ex". I'm guessing he never invited you to his home?

 

He stayed a week while she was on vacation or they were on the outs again and then she texted and he staged a fight so he could leave and go back.

 

Go strict no contact and delete and block him from all social media and messaging. Don't let any one who flirts and charms you blind you.

 

Get on some dating apps and start meeting single men/single dads for coffee so you don't feel lonely enough to get involved in "the wife doesn't understand me" type crap.

Last year he started texting me for a while and he was still with his ex at the time. I wasn't sure what the situation was his ex but he told me that even though he did still miss her, he hadn't loved her for a while.asked if he could come and stay at my house. until the Saturday evening when he was acting a bit off, we were supposed to be going out and he seemed to pick an argument with me over virtually nothing

[gebaird]

how can you really care about someone and then just not make any effort??

 

This is a great question, and I think the answer is that you can't.

 

There are a lot of red flags here. First, he was texting you and talking about dating you while still with his ex -- which is a sign that he is willing to cheat, or at least flirt with the idea of cheating.

 

Second, if he says he "still did miss" his ex but "hadn't loved her for a while," what exactly IS he feeling for her? Clearly there is SOME kind of emotional connection there.

 

Third, the fight you had after living together for a week is a VERY bad sign. Some people are able to be fake from a distance, but closer proximity brings out their true character. It's not the fact that you had a fight -- every couple fights sometimes, right? It's the ridiculousness of his overreaction. It could be indicative of deeper emotional and psychological issues.

 

I honestly DON'T think he cares about you -- not the way he could or should. Personally, I'd bet money on the fact that he is back with his ex -- at least for hanky panky, if not for something more. There may even be additional women in the picture.

 

You sound like a wonderful and accepting person who didn't do anything to cause or deserve this kind of treatment. Unfortunately, this guy seems to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. My advice is to cut him out of your life entirely. Block him everywhere (cell phone, social media, etc.) and avoid him in real life. You deserve better than this, and so does your daughter. Letting him go will hurt at first, but it will save you a lot of pain in the long run.

 

Find someone who appreciates and loves you and treats you accordingly.

[Lm08]

This is a great question, and I think the answer is that you can't.

 

There are a lot of red flags here. First, he was texting you and talking about dating you while still with his ex -- which is a sign that he is willing to cheat, or at least flirt with the idea of cheating.

 

Second, if he says he "still did miss" his ex but "hadn't loved her for a while," what exactly IS he feeling for her? Clearly there is SOME kind of emotional connection there.

 

Third, the fight you had after living together for a week is a VERY bad sign. Some people are able to be fake from a distance, but closer proximity brings out their true character. It's not the fact that you had a fight -- every couple fights sometimes, right? It's the ridiculousness of his overreaction. It could be indicative of deeper emotional and psychological issues.

 

I honestly DON'T think he cares about you -- not the way he could or should. Personally, I'd bet money on the fact that he is back with his ex -- at least for hanky panky, if not for something more. There may even be additional women in the picture.

 

You sound like a wonderful and accepting person who didn't do anything to cause or deserve this kind of treatment. Unfortunately, this guy seems to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. My advice is to cut him out of your life entirely. Block him everywhere (cell phone, social media, etc.) and avoid him in real life. You deserve better than this, and so does your daughter. Letting him go will hurt at first, but it will save you a lot of pain in the long run.

 

Find someone who appreciates and loves you and treats you accordingly.

 

Thank you, you confirmed what I already thought , it's just nice to hear another perspective .

 

I'll try and be strong because I know what your saying is right, if a person cares they show it !

[Lm08]

Thank you, you confirmed what I already thought , it's just nice to hear another perspective .

 

I'll try and be strong because I know what your saying is right, if a person cares they show it !

 

Update!!

So on Saturday night 4 days after contact, I send a text asking what he wants me to do with his stuff, I say he can either collect it or that we can drop it to where he works on his day off

 

He replied the next day saying if you could bring it to my work that would be great!!

 

That was not what I wanted to hear

So I reply saying that I was dissapointed that he'd given up on us so early( that was an expression he had used in the past) asking me not to give up on him

That I felt he had used us over Christmas until he was back on his feet!! And that basically he had let me down because I trusted him and felt like it had all been for show !!

 

I got no reply until today...

Basically he said he was disappointed by my last text and that he thought I was a lovely person, but that he didn't think we were compatible and it had taken him a while to realise it!

He said that he had to spend time with me to get to know that and that he hoped we could keep in contact and to say hi to my daughter!!

 

I was so mad!

I sent a long text back, saying I thought it was a joke, how all of a sudden he'd decided we wernt compatible, that it seemed very convenient now things were on the up for him and that the last time I saw him, he was telling me how he was in it for the long haul, serious about me and my daughter and that he'd do everything he could to see me more etc....

I told him he was a liar and that he made it up as he went along , making promises he never intended to keep!

 

I didn't hold back, I told him exactly what a let down liar I thought he was and that I wished I'd never let him into my home or around my daughter.

 

I said if we are so incompatible why would you want to keep in contact!!!

 

So I said thanks but no thanks and that we deserve better than him

 

That I was glad he was feeling better now that he had off loaded all his shot on to me and I wished him well! Lol

 

He simply replied hours later, saying, ok no problem, let me know when your returning my things.

 

I didn't reply

 

Cheeky git!

 

I feel like it's just an excuse because he's probably back with his ex or got someone else!!

 

Why couldn't he have just been honest!! I would have had so much more respect for him then!

Basically I feel like he was trying to put the blame on me, trying to make out I did something wrong or wasn't good enough👎🏻

 

In a way I feel better though because it's shown me what a coward he really is!

 

I'm not planning on returning his stuff, if he wants it, he can come get it!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry it ended badly with this angry text exchange. Drop his stuff off as you promised and stay no contact. And no more scorned women texts. Don't play games with his stuff.

 

Pull your self respect and dignity together and just neutrally return his things. Why waste time dragging this out with nasty dating postmortem texts? Sever everything and move on.

He simply replied hours later, saying, ok no problem, let me know when your returning my things. I'm not planning on returning his stuff, if he wants it, he can come get it!!