100% officially done. Just venting feelings

[TiredOfDating]

So, we've been back and forth contacting since last week.

 

Recap: we agreed to break vs ending relationship.

 

I emailed him that I felt it best to remove from social media. I also tell him I am angry and feel he takes advantage of my patience with his baggage/issues. We agree at end of exchange to check back in after a few weeks.

 

He texts me less than a week later. 5 days later he texts me again. No real purpose, just idle chit chat, and avoids any serious talk.

 

I text him the next night (this past monday). He finally admits he is missing me, and he's tried to find some sort of happiness on his own and is failing. I asks why he keeps trying, he says he thinks he has to. So i ask why he's texted me twice. He says he still cares, suggests we meet in person to talk. I even asked him...do I need to let go of this and he says "i hope that you hang in a little longer".

 

We met tonight. I swear I had a conversation with two different people. It started off strong, saying he has been dealing with the fallout of his marriage in a healthier way, but he knows he doesn't have to go through it alone. He gives me every indication that we will be reconciling. He goes to the restroom and comes back with an entirely different attitude. He basically starts again implying my feelings are deeper, and basically says he doesn't love me as much as he thinks he should love someone he plans on being with long term. I ask him "then why did you say just 4 nights ago that I should hang on longer"? He said "because I still don't know what I want". Then he gets a little angry and says "i thought this is why we were taking a break".

 

So i told him I was making it easy to decide, and I'm done, I refuse to be in limbo, I refuse to hang onto someone who doesn't see long term potential and thinks offering to just go back to how things were is fair. And he cries, looks all shocked, then cries more when I grab my purse to leave and says "so this is it"? Lol yeah. What else is there to do?

 

Got home, blocked him completely on FB (I'd only previously unfriended) and on Instagram, blocked him from calling or texting.

 

Full NC from here on out. I am so over it.

[Crystal Clear2]

You go girl. That's strength. Well done.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. He's got way too much unfinished business and you don't want your heart to be the battle ground for his divorce drama.

[TiredOfDating]

Excellent. He's got way too much unfinished business and you don't want your heart to be the battle ground for his divorce drama.

 

I'm baffled that he really thought he could essentially tell me he doesn't love me enough to be long term and I was just going to be cool with it and keep waiting for him. Like, why in the hell would I put myself through that for someone who just sees me as someone to pass the time with.

 

He's either totally clueless, a really horrible communicator, or just a very thoughtless person.

[Keeping Sane]

Glad you went NC. It'll be better for you in the long term. I use to be in the same positiom. One thing we both have to remember: never settle for less!

[TiredOfDating]

You go girl. That's strength. Well done.

 

Not so strong. Already broke NC yesterday and today.

[Kissa]

I heve this kind of "date" on Saturday. He messaged (on 17th NC day)saying that we need to talk.

Swear to God , I'm gonna say the same if he'll be back and forward like your ex.

Proud of you, girl!! Your my inspiration💪🏻👏🏻

[TiredOfDating]

I heve this kind of "date" on Saturday. He messaged (on 17th NC day)saying that we need to talk.

Swear to God , I'm gonna say the same if he'll be back and forward like your ex.

Proud of you, girl!! Your my inspiration💪🏻👏🏻

 

Don't be too inspired. I already miss him and regret (only somtimes) calling it off. I don't necessarily think this is 100% over. I lashed out at him yesterday via text after I picked up my things. Trying to hurt him like he hurt me, but the meanest thing I could bring myself to say is I never wanted to see him again. But I do. For now. If I can just get through this next week or so, I think I will be okay.

 

Then I emailed him this morning to tell him why I was hurt. He never responded, which I hate when people ignore. Its so rude.

 

The weekends suck. Too much time for memories. At least M-F I can be distracted by work, the gym, etc.

[TiredOfDating]

I heve this kind of "date" on Saturday. He messaged (on 17th NC day)saying that we need to talk.

Swear to God , I'm gonna say the same if he'll be back and forward like your ex.

Proud of you, girl!! Your my inspiration💪🏻👏🏻

 

But good luck to you. Just don't jump to accept breadcrumbs. Alone sucks, but its better than being with someone who doesn't respect you.

[TiredOfDating]

Excellent. He's got way too much unfinished business and you don't want your heart to be the battle ground for his divorce drama.

 

ugh, only 3 days later, and I'm already back to thinking I made a mistake. I don't think he knows what he wants. He admitted as much. I even said "you'll probably change your mind tomorrow" and he said "you're probably right".

 

I just don't get the contradictions. In the first half of the dinner he said "I think a break was better than ending it because what we have is worth giving it another shot." And he was making sure going forward that I was not going to be bothered by him venting to me. He was really quite emotional at times throughout the dinner. But again, when he came back from the restroom, his whole demeanor changed, and it was like he was trying to be mean and hurtful. And then again, as soon as I told him "I'm letting go", his jaw literally dropped, he cried and said "but I thought we were just taking a break".

 

So the part of me that still loves and misses him tells me he didn't really mean it when he said he didn't love me enough or he wouldn't have been so upset by me ending it. But the logical part of me knows that I did what I had to do. I don't know how he expected me to react to being told he didn't see us together long term, and didn't consider our relationship to be serious. I guess he expected me to just sit back and take it because I always had before.

[Kissa]

But good luck to you. Just don't jump to accept breadcrumbs. Alone sucks, but its better than being with someone who doesn't respect you.

 

I know, never breadcrumbs, all or nothing!!!

Just the fact that he got back to me maked me so confident, is gonna be or my way or the highway now.

I feel I'm moving on, doesn't hurts anymore, got to the stage where I'm not sure if still want him back. Will see his attitude on Saturday.

[Kissa]

Don't be too inspired. I already miss him and regret (only somtimes) calling it off. I don't necessarily think this is 100% over. I lashed out at him yesterday via text after I picked up my things. Trying to hurt him like he hurt me, but the meanest thing I could bring myself to say is I never wanted to see him again. But I do. For now. If I can just get through this next week or so, I think I will be okay.

 

Then I emailed him this morning to tell him why I was hurt. He never responded, which I hate when people ignore. Its so rude.

 

The weekends suck. Too much time for memories. At least M-F I can be distracted by work, the gym, etc.

 

The only mistake you made is to contact him after, showed him he is your weak point and now he thinks he has "power" over you.

Missing him is normal, but doesn't mean you have to accept breadcrumbs just cos of that.

If you gonna message him the way you feel, you're not gonna hurt him, you'll make him feel so good about himself, focus on you now, there is a reason you told him your done, remember?

 

Chin up, is Monday( focus on work, gym, friends, meeting new people)

[TiredOfDating]

The only mistake you made is to contact him after, showed him he is your weak point and now he thinks he has "power" over you.

Missing him is normal, but doesn't mean you have to accept breadcrumbs just cos of that.

If you gonna message him the way you feel, you're not gonna hurt him, you'll make him feel so good about himself, focus on you now, there is a reason you told him your done, remember?

 

Chin up, is Monday( focus on work, gym, friends, meeting new people)

 

He finally replied to my email tonight, mostly a bunch of "I'm sorry". I'm like I don't want apologies I want answers. Why did you suddenly flip personalities? Why did you agree to a break, tell me the break was a great idea, then tell me you didn't have feelings for me long term.

 

He said that he only agreed to the break because he saw I had a point about not giving me a chance to talk it over, but he was already feeling that way about me at the time (still a sudden switch as we'd spent NYE together the week before and he kept saying how excited he was about our future this year. And when I pointed that out, he gave me some wordy crap explanation).

 

So then he says "I only felt that way at the end, when things were building up in my mind". No explanation on what "things".

 

Then he openly admits he most likely screwed up a great relationship by over analyzing but only time will tell.

 

I told him it still doesn't explain why he seemed so shocked/hurt when I made the break. And that I agree, he screwed up a great thing as not many people find the love and support I gave him. And I told him maybe I should've treated him badly, been hot and cold, told him he wasn't allowed to do things, maybe the drama we DIDN'T have (but he had with his ex wife) was what he was still seeking.

 

Even others have pointed out though, he was pretty emotional throughout the dinner for someone who doesn't see me in his future.

 

So I MUST maintain NC from here on out. I have enough going on in my life to keep me busy. I have some major changes I need to make. I have my suspicions I will hear from him eventually but I never maintained NC long enough for him to really miss me. He can say he doesn't love me, but he was the one reaching out prior to Friday night, he was the one asking me to hang on a little longer. He doesn't have many friends (nerdy introvert type) and I was his closest confidante.

[Crystal Clear2]

You're only human.

Just start again xx

[Kissa]

Seems like(in my eyes) that he's using you to get over you (if makes sens). In my opinion you guys need time apart, and not only a few days, a bit more. You need time to see things clearer, as now you acting the way you feel only, and he needs time to understand what he really wants, cos he's pretty screwed at the mo.

[TiredOfDating]

Seems like(in my eyes) that he's using you to get over you (if makes sens). In my opinion you guys need time apart, and not only a few days, a bit more. You need time to see things clearer, as now you acting the way you feel only, and he needs time to understand what he really wants, cos he's pretty screwed at the mo.

 

I'm starting to feel mad again over his "word salad" explanation. He says he doesn't remember what he said the first half of dinner. How convenient for him. Because now he can pretend he didn't start things off with leading me to believe we were going to get back together.

 

He also claims he's felt this way since the initial "break" and the time apart did nothing to change his feelings. Yet, HE reached out to ME, twice. And the first time was after me telling him we'd check back in a few weeks. It was only 5 days later. And then last Monday night, he was the one to say he missed me, he wasn't happy on his own. I point blank asked him that night if I was wrong to have requested a break instead of just ending it and he said No. Then again, I point blank asked him if I should just let go and move on or keep hanging on and he said "please hang on a little while longer". And when we were deciding Wednesday where to meet, I said it depends on what he plans to say. He specifically said "just plan on talking, no sweeping decision will be made". Yet in his email, he claims he went into the dinner knowing he "had to tell me" that he didn't see me as long term. If that was true, first of all, he could have told me that via text, why ask to see me? Did he want to see for himself the pain he'd cause. He says in January he knew it was cruel to say it, so when did it become NOT cruel? I gave him several opportunities through the weeks to end the break, and each time, HE CHOSE to continue it. So I'm calling bulls**t on this most recent email.

[Kissa]

Complicated BS indeed. Feels like he's just torturing you, he has a mess in his head and you are his victim.

What's the poit to ask someone to talk over dinner if "don't see you as a long term"

Just ignore him, tell him if he ever will be 100% sure that he wants you , he know where to find you, until then move on. Don't let him f**k you brain ( sorry if I was rude)

[TiredOfDating]

What's the poit to ask someone to talk over dinner if "don't see you as a long term"

 

I ended up emailing him again right after I posted and told him I call BS on the whole email. I pointed out the things I mentioned in my above post. But I also asked him the very question you just posted. Why did he need a whole dinner just to say that? I told him his explanations don't really make sense, but he seems to need to rationalize it, so once again he can be all "poor me, I messed it up again".

 

Then I laid out a huge truth bomb. I told him the fact that he suddenly didn't see me as long term was nothing wrong with ME, but him. I told him that in the beginning, he was constantly provoking his ex wife into arguments. because even if they were being ugly to each other, at least she was interacting with him. Eventually though, she put the fade on those types of discussions with him, and I think that's when he started provoking ME for the same interactions. I used the night he decided to tell me he was still viewing profiles on Tinder as an example. He always had this habit of pushing me away after a particularly intense time in our relationship (I still think this is the root of the whole break up, to be honest). he wouldn't just become distant, but he would say things he had to know where hurtful. And I think he was doing it to get a big reaction/argument. This incident was one of the most glaring examples. We had gone to the zoo earlier that day, with all the kids, and then back to his apartment and he and I talked in his kitchen while the kids played. It was one of our best evenings together. But he let it slip that night that he was still checking dating sites. I didn't react that night. So, a few nights later, at my place, he brought it up again. He was initially purposely vague, like hinting he was still dating, but then when I finally reacted, he said he just views profiles out of boredom. I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else as most nights he didn't have his kids, he was with me, or we were texting before bedtime. And if repeating it wasn't bad enough, he didn't even share this confession in a neutral setting, he dropped this on me right after we had sex. Like, seriously, who does that? But I think he was trying to make me jealous. His ex wife cheated on him.

 

He used to remark about how differently I reacted to conflict than his ex did. And while he always acted like he appreciated the difference, I think subconsciously, he wanted the big dramatic argument that she would have given him. I told him he was addicted to the drama, conflict, and turmoil of his marriage. I told him a lot of people mistake conflict for love/passion. and that some recognize it and seek out low maintenance relationships going forward, but seem people never grow out of that.

 

I told him he needed to increase his therapy sessions to help him figure this stuff out, especially since he admittedly doesn't have many close friendships, and the one person he confided in the most (me), he managed to push away. I repeated to him that he let his mind screw up a really good relationship, and that he was right, only time would tell if he'd realize that or not. And I said I would leave it up to him to reach out to me when he's ready, if he chooses to do so.

 

So after today, BACK TO NC FOR ME!!! I have to stick to this.

[Kissa]

I ended up emailing him again right after I posted and told him I call BS on the whole email.

 

 

I told him he needed to increase his therapy sessions to help him figure this stuff out, especially since he admittedly doesn't have many close friendships, and the one person he confided in the most (me), he managed to push away. I repeated to him that he let his mind screw up a really good relationship, and that he was right, only time would tell if he'd realize that or not. And I said I would leave it up to him to reach out to me when he's ready, if he chooses to do so.

 

So after today, BACK TO NC FOR ME!!! I have to stick to this.

 

You need to leave him alone with his thoughts.You done enough- honestly.

Maybe he likes drama in his life, you just need to decide ''is that what you want for you''? if he's addicted to dramatic arguments, then he'll always gonna find a way to bring you to that, he'll wind you up until he's gonna get what he wants. Do you deserve that? Is that the relationship you wanna be in? Is this the way you see your future?

You know better

[TiredOfDating]

I know. No more reaching out. But I did think that was something important for him to question about himself. Is he addicted to drama? I do think a person can break that cycle if they are aware of it. There was another post on here where the person described multiple breaking up/making up and one of the responses was, it indicates an emotional immaturity. He didn't have a lot of relationship experience prior to his marriage, they married young and she fed into his over analyzing habit. He even told me once that they'd literally fight about what they were going to fight about later on. They fed off each other.

 

I had drama with my relationship previous to him. and I told myself I didn't want that in the future. and for the most part, he and I were pretty drama free, because I rarely reacted to the baiting. I just continued to support him because I recognized the things he was going through due to the fallout of my own previous relationship. He's avoided talking to me (as far as serious discussions about the relationship) for the last month, so I think right now we're just hashing out everything that's needed to be said the last 4 weeks. He hasn't been honest with himself, OR with me, and I had to force him to be for my own sake.

 

I gave him some things to think about. I made it clear I'd be open to contact in the future, but that I expected HIM to make the move when he was ready, and that's all I can do.

[TiredOfDating]

Day 15 of No Contact.

 

Not doing so well these days. Maybe because I have had way too much time to think, not a lot to keep me busy. So my mind wanders.

 

I often wonder if I'm the dumper or dumpee, basically so I can justify that if I'm the dumper, its up to me to reach out first for reconciliation. My last email to him was saying I would leave it up to him to reach out first, so I need to stick to my guns. But he also knew I was quite angry, and he avoids confrontation. So I have these internal battles with myself about reaching out first.

 

He dumped me in January, but then he changed his mind, said he wasn't ready to completely end our relationship, just needed time on his own. I didn't do NC so well during the break. And when we agreed to meet, I ended up telling HIM I had to let go, for my own sake because of something he said to me. Yet, he seemed devastated when I said I was done. And he admitted that despite what he said about not seeing our relationship as serious, he would probably feel differently the next day.

 

I miss HIM terribly. I miss US terribly. Every little thing that comes up lately reminds me of things we did, talked about, places we went and wanted to go. I was doing really good the first week or so, but I think my anger kept my other feelings squashed.

 

But at the same time, I KNOW that NC is best for now. He needs to clear his head, I need to fix my own life. I have a mess going on right now that I am so glad he's not here to see. So in a way, I believe our breakup happened when it did for a reason. And while I know NC is for ourselves, I also know that he won't miss me if I don't give him reason to. I didn't leave him alone much during the break period and it pushed him away. But if I left him alone, he would reach out. I have to leave things be at least another 30 days.

[sweetdesire]

Have you considered him to be emotionally unavailable? It seems now may not be a good timing for a relationship either way since even you bring up the ex-wife and their issues.

Marriage is a big commitment and it seems he's dealing with his divorce and all those lingering emotions. Is the divorce even finalized?

 

Just continue to be strong w/ NC. Know it was his issues and had nothing to do with you as a person. Time heals all woulds.

[TiredOfDating]

Have you considered him to be emotionally unavailable? It seems now may not be a good timing for a relationship either way since even you bring up the ex-wife and their issues.

Marriage is a big commitment and it seems he's dealing with his divorce and all those lingering emotions. Is the divorce even finalized?

 

Just continue to be strong w/ NC. Know it was his issues and had nothing to do with you as a person. Time heals all woulds.

 

Their divorce was final in November. I wouldn't say he was emotionally unavailable. He was always very clear that he wasn't sure about our future due to his situation. But he would always say he felt very much at peace when he was at my house, and that his life was a perfect balance of independence and romance. We both talked like we just assumed we'd still be together in july when he took his family vacation. Just before the breakup, he was talking about how much fun tbis summer would be on the boat at his parents.

 

I always told him we'd take things day by day and I didn't have set expectations of where I expected us to be at any given time. I was very careful about not pushing him into any commitment.

 

I cannot figure out why he would tell me in one breath he didn't really see me in his future and then immediately follow that with being shocked and upset that I ended it. He was seriously hurt by that, and instantly cried, saying "I thought we were on a break"! I don't know how he thought I would react to that. Because I DID see him in MY future.

[TiredOfDating]

15 days ago, I broke 20+ days of NC. I had been determined that he should reach out first, but he knew I was quite angry & hurt, and he avoids confrontation, so I knew he'd need to know any efforts wouldn't turn into an ugly argument.

 

Our conversation was actually quite comfortable vs the awkward/forced small talk we had during our break period. I only brought "us" up once as we were saying goodnight. I said I had wondered if he thought about me and he said he thinks about me a lot. He said he hoped we could talk again more often. And I've not heard from him since. I've had some revelations about him and his behavior during our relationship, such as his need to start unnecessary drama, but under the guise of being truthful. There were many times he gave me red flags that I ignored. So many times he pushed me away.

 

I've gone on a date since our last conversation. That didn't go well, but I didn't have high expectations anyway.

 

I finally decided to start on my BA, an online program. I still have some financial issues to resolve. In a way, him being gone from my life during this period is really for the best. I would have been so embarrassed to go through some of this with him around. This would have been a real strain on our relationship if we were together because of my stress level going through it. I tried so hard to hide these problems from him so I prevented myself from accepting certain defeat. I let myself struggle unnecessarily to always appear as if I had my sh*t together.

 

I also have decided on weight loss surgery later this year. Everything I am doing right now is about ME. These changes will increase my confidence in myself and set up future success. So when the time comes, I will finally feel like an equal partner in the relationships I seek.

 

I still wonder if he and I can ever have a 2nd chance. But I see how important it is to not rush things. I still feel hurt and anger at times and I know that would impact the future. I think the only way we could have a successful reconciliation, I would need to be completely over the pain. And if we don't have a future, that is okay too. I will be okay.

[TiredOfDating]

I don't understand why I'm dwelling on him so much lately.

 

I miss HIM. Not just the idea of having someone. I miss him. I miss sleeping next to him. I miss tracing his big back tattoo as we fall asleep. I miss the way he would hold my hand and kiss me while we were out. I miss how he teased me about not wearing a coat. I miss talking to him about school, our jobs, our kids. From day 1, we could talk for hours and never get tired of it.

 

And when I don't miss him, I'm mad at him. Like super angry.

 

Why? I was doing really good but lately I've just not been able to stop thinking about him.